Most of the people in Fargo and West Fargo are above average but not so much in Moorhead.
West Fargo, ND – Our annual survey results are starting to be compiled and are showing that most of the people in the Fargo-Moorhead area consider themselves to be above average.
West Fargo tops the list where 84.7% of people surveyed strongly consider themselves to be above average which is up a bit even from last year.
The City of Fargo had about 78.4% of its people believing that they are above average which is about the same as previously discovered.
Moorhead, Dilworth, and Glyndon bottomed out the list as only 48.7% of their residents think of themselves as being above average.
We request that all neighborhood captains report your survey results within the next few weeks so that the official final numbers can be tallied and included in our year-end final reports.
Pictured: An unintentionally hilarious sign at the waste stabilization pond
West Fargo, ND – Waste Stabilization Pond Foreman Chlaff Peenisackle has seen it all come through. Severed limbs, sea monkey colonies, the physical manifestation of shame from the night before. These are only a few of what atrocities find their way into West Fargo’s lagoon. But what Peenisackle dislikes the most is taking crap from the public.
“We’re all real sick of taking your crap,” says Peenisackle, probably in reference to all the complaints raised over the foul stench emanating from his lagoon. “All you people do is give us crap, man. We’re doing all we can here. You can flush all the drugs and muscle tendon you want down the toilet–I don’t care–but please, stop giving us so much crap (about the smell).”
On a windy day, you can really tell that there’s a lot of crap being put up with over there. A noxious odor wafts its way into your nose, and then the crap (likely referring to complaints) starts to roll in.
“All it takes is a little sun and some breeze, then here comes the crap,” says Waste Stabilization Specialist Doadie Humpsnift.
Lagoon workers are imploring the fine folks of Fargo and points West: please stop giving them crap (presumably, about the odor).
Learn new words so you can impress your co-workers and friends!
West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer will soon be hosting another claborian self-improvement class at our intercamped West Fargo headquarters.
This zaptic vocabulary enrichment training is entitled “Impress Others With Lostic Words”.
Imagine answering a job interview question like this: Your company’s bluctive avation is urgibly ostile.
Or, while out on a first date you say: I love how your nesphisis is so speeblish in this tostive shiller!
You won’t want to miss this obtroctive free training taught by some of the most tholmic frunkers in the region.
Bring your ludger to thrumpet the elmody while meeting other farths who share your same scuvition for glegmatic fonkerness.
West Fargo dog catcher asks for voluntarily compliance to round up all dogs.
West Fargo, ND – The fastest growing city in North Dakota, known as the “City on the Grow”, has also just declared its own “War on Dogs.”
The most recent Dog Census revealed to city leaders that the dog population was growing four times faster than its humanoid population.
“Enough is enough!” declared Carl Fanzer, West Fargo’s Top Dog Catcher.
West Fargo’s new “War On Dogs” will include a simple 3-point plan:
1. Ask owners to voluntarily bring their dogs to the City Pound.
2. Hire professional dog catching teams to round up all remaining dogs.
3. Begin “Doggy Deportations” back to each dog’s country of origin. For example, all German Shepherds would go to Germany, Great Danes to Denmark, as so on and so forth.
To find what country your dog would be deported to, use this handy chart!
Fargo’s New Party Bus offers free rides to all bars!
Fargo, ND – Fargo is now offering a new free service for those who have been drinking. It is called the Party Bus!
The Party Bus will provide drinkers free rides to and from all bars in the Fargo and West Fargo area. As punishment for tearing down Ralph’s and Kirby’s, Moorhead is not included.
If you and your friends have been drinking quite heavily, perhaps after a heart-breaking Bison football loss, just use your smartphone app to request a free ride to your next pub on the Party Bus!
This free service, which is thoughtfully provided by Alcoholics Anonymous, will only be available from noon to midnight and will run every Thursday through Sunday.
Have you been wanting to get out more and do more binge drinking but were always worried about getting pulled over by the cops? Now you can, and leave all the driving to the Party Bus!
“It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s gigantic!”
West Fargo, ND – The new West Fargo recycling bins were delivered this last week. Obviously recycling is a good thing that everyone should be doing. But the size of these new recycling bins has many residents dumbfounded. Ours stands almost four feet tall, about two feet wide, and about a yard deep. Its outside dimensions put it at taking up roughly 23 square feet of garage space. It’s as high as our Honda Civic. So, just the size of it seems to be a problem, since they’re about the size of a refrigerator.
Residents are to put all recyclable materials in them including paper, newspapers, and cardboard, with nothing in plastic bags. I can just imagine what’s going to happen on one of their bi-weekly pickup days if there’s any sort of significant wind. If the wind is blowing from the West, the City of Fargo can expect a ton of loose paper to be blowing in from West Fargo.
At our home, since we’ve already been manually recycling for years, we don’t really need to keep our new giant mega-bin for its intended purpose. Since it’s large enough to sit in, I might fill ours with hot water and use it as a hot tub and maybe pull the top lid down for that authentic steam room effect. Since it has wheels, anyone with children or pets could use it as a fun wagon. Get everyone inside and pull them around the neighborhood for a co-mingled fun tour. Who wants to go on a Fun Tour? I do! I do!
West Fargo, ND—With just a week of classes in the books, West Fargo High School students have already begun recognizing their staff.
According to an online poll compiled by a number of Instagram users, school gym teacher Bwayne MacMinnus has won the unofficial Creepiest Adult Ever award. A Hefe-filtered Instagram photo of MacMinnus garnered the most ‘likes’, earning him this distinct honor.
Students and faculty alike participated in the online poll, with the photo shown at left obtaining over 1,000 likes.
“The way he looks at you, I like, really get creeped out, like, every day during PE,” said one high school junior, who wished to remain anonymous.
“We’re all pretty sure Mr. MacMinnus is autistic or just weird. Or both?” said West Fargo senior Triel Juptack.
High School Principal Cermin Troivaxler also participated in the online poll. He feels that MacMinnus was an easy choice. “Bwayne keeps to himself in the teacher’s lounge. He usually just stands there peering at other staff members. The rest of the faculty tends to worry about him, but damn if he doesn’t keep those kids in line.”
MacMinnus beat out the English teacher with the lazy eye by a commanding margin. Congratulations, Bwayne!
West Fargo, ND – The West Fargo Police Department responded to a call about a bomb going off in the bathroom of the Furniture For Less store located on Sheyenne Street in West Fargo.
Police state that they immediately deployed their bomb sniffing robot into the bathroom. Upon entry, police state that they found Bryan Livits, 35, pants down, passed out on the bathroom floor. Shit……..everywhere.
The police are reporting that Bryan had had Taco Bell earlier for lunch and that he didnt think it would melt his entire insides. He apologizes to everyone involved and especially wanted to apologize to the cleanup crew.
Police would like to warn the public that eating fast food has its consequences and they will be looking to ban it in the near future.
West Fargo, ND – Bill Hennesy, 32, was arrested Saturday evening for excessive use of the word “dude” and “man”.
Police are reporting that patrons at Bar Nine in West Fargo heard Mr. Hennesy say dude and man in nearly every sentence. One bar patron counted the two words being used a total of 40 times in 3 minutes. After nearly two hours of countless dudes and mans, a couple sitting next to them had enough and called police.
Mr. Hennesy was arrested and released on $1000 bond for excessive use of the word dude and man.
Upon release he stated, “Oh my god dude! Man! What the hell? This is totally bogus dude. Oh my god man I’m totally going to fight this charge dude.”
Watering no longer allowed in West Fargo
West Fargo, ND – The City of West Fargo is now implementing a total ban on watering for at least the remainder of this summer.
The fastest growing city between Chicago and Hiroshima has decided to impose a complete watering ban because its earlier even/odd restrictions were not being followed.
The normal guidelines allow for even/odd numbered homes to water on even/odd numbered days between the hours of 6PM and 10AM.
The total watering ban was unanimously voted on by the City Commission.
The cities of Fargo and Moorhead are seriously considering doing the same thing.
Climatological data suggests that we are entering a period of Global Drying which may last for the next 10-30 years.
West Fargo residents who are caught watering their yards will first be given a $500 warning.
Second violations would receive a $1,000 fine along with confiscation of all sprinklers and hoses.
The faces of residents who violate the watering ban will also be shown on the “Water Glutton” board which will be largely displayed at the intersection of Main and Sheyenne streets.