Tag Archives: west fargo

New Species red river Valley fair

Second New Species Discovered At The Red River Valley Fair

New Species red river Valley fairWest Fargo, ND – YesterdayDr. William Francis and his team discovered a new species at the Red River Valley Fair in under one hour.  Today, Mr. Francis and his team have done it again!

His expedition team was yet again at the Red River Valley Fair looking and searching for new species today.  After an exhausting day wandering around with no luck, it was after a team member needed to get a refreshment that they stumbled on yet another new species.

Meet Specvitualis Hiviest.  A rare species of the Adult Baby Kingdom.  It’s natural habitat is that of an urban setting.  They can most definitely be found in and around all baby strollers.

If you run into one of these animals, please allow them to nest in your baby stroller until animal control arrives.

red river valley fair new species

New Species Discovered At Red River Valley Fair

red river valley fair new species

Locusslayer Solarus

West Fargo,  ND – Scientists gather to search for new species.

Yesterday evening, Dr. William Francis and his team set out on an expedition to look for a new species of human.  A mission that took two years to put together.

“We have been surveying the Red River Valley Fair for over 20 years now.  It was time to put together an expedition.”

It didn’t take Mr. Francis and his team more than one hour to discover and document a new species.

“The new species we found is called ‘Locusslayer Solarus‘.”

They describe this animal as a nocturnal creature who survives on Bud Light, Doritos, and  World of Warcraft.

“It’s habitat is that similar to a nomad.  He moves from fair to fair when not slaying beasts in World of Warecraft.”

Mr. Francis and his team caution that the Locusslayer Solarus is a wild animal and very unpredictable.  They advise on keeping your distance and to watch them from afar.

Please click the picture to get a close up. The new species is wearing the black shirt with writing on the back.

Man vaporized

Man Immediately Vaporized As He Stepped Outside

Man vaporizedWest Fargo, ND – A West Fargo man says his neighbor was vaporized this morning.

Earlier this morning police received a call from a man who stated he just witnessed his neighbor being vaporized right before his eyes.

Roger was getting the paper outside this morning when he looked to the left and saw his neighbor immediately vaporize as he stepped outside. Leaving just his clothes behind.

“I looked left and POOF he was gone. Just gone. Once the sun hit him..he disappeared.”

Experts say this weird phenomenon is called “vaportification” and mostly happens in the upper Midwest areas such as Fargo, North Dakota. They say that sitting inside for months and months at a time will drain your body of vitamin c, vitamin d, and other important life ingredients.

“Once you step outside after hibernating so long and the sun hits your skin, it goes into a hyperbolic disistenization. This interacts with the giglictic dispotiosiscalictoma.  Once that happens, your bodies cells begin to klosiform. Due to the suns luminosity of≈ 98 lm/W efficacy, the surface temperature has to be just right for the serapatosas to coligulary follicular the phase of the klosiform. But get this, the milky way also plays a factor! It has to have a mean distance of absolute magnitude so the visual brightness can be on the same equatorial radius as earth.  Now, however, the north pole on earth has to have the same measurable rotational period as the axis of the pole dissemination.  That, is why this man instantly vaporized as he stepped outside.  Pretty easy to avoid.”

These vaporizations can happen to anyone.  Be very careful once spring arrives and you step outside after hibernating for 8 months. If you follow the experts explanation above, you will never be a vaporfication victim.

The police chief just made a statement that he would like to ban the sun and the milky way now and would like to implement a fine for anyone using the sun or being in the milky way. He stated he is an expert in this matter and everyone should listen to him.

Not Giving A Fuck

Local Middle Aged Man Just Stops Giving A Fuck

Not Giving A FuckFargo, ND – “Hi, I’d like to buy a pair of fucks, please.” “Sorry. Fresh out, bitch.”

A local middle aged Fargo man has been found to have stopped giving a fuck.  The reason behind such a decision is still a complete mystery.  However, due to the FM Observer’s top notch reporting efforts, I was able to not only find this unique man but speak with him as well.

Rodger is a middle aged man from Fargo, ND.  He has two children and a wife.  He seems to be happy and positive.  Full of life.  He still is today but even more so after he just stopped giving a fuck.  See, Rodger says he woke up one morning and wondered why he gave a fuck.  That day he wore his pajamas all day and it all made sense. “I’m not going to give a fuck anymore” he thought.

“What else were you thinking during this time?” I asked.

“Well, it all just came to me pretty quick.  For one I realized I could die at any fucking time.  Then I realized how many douchebags there are everywhere I look.  Ya know?  I mean, then I looked at gas prices, listened to some psycho politicians on the tv and radio, and also thought about how everyone else thinks they know what’s better for you even though they don’t have a damn clue what they are talking about, it got me thinking.  I’m sitting here wondering why I give a fuck about getting raped in the ass everyday by everyone else.  It’s a losing battle, so why give a fuck?  My ass is going to hurt regardless if I care or not.”

“Today Bill, is the day I don’t give a fuck!  It’s glorious! I pissed on the floor by the toilet a little bit today.  Didn’t clean it up.  Why?  Cause I don’t give a fuck.  A grammar nazi corrected my ‘imperfect’ grammar today.  I told him I didn’t give a fuck and slapped him across the face.  Punched a very ugly baby that wouldn’t stop crying.  It totally shut him up.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Rode my bike in normal traffic and at my own pace.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Took a shower nude outside with the hose.  Neighbors were around but I didn’t give a fuck.”

“Not giving a fuck is a good lifestyle choice for me Bill and I’m sticking to it.”

Roger is an interesting case.  Maybe we should follow the ‘not give a fuck’ strategy of Rogers as it seems to be working well for him.

After interviewing Roger, I saw him walking away with a beer in hand, skipping, and yelling out “fuck yea” across traffic.  Said he was going to go take a dump at the closest government building and not in the bathroom.

We wish him well!

Gary Clark Dancing With The Stars West Fargo

Gary Clark To Be On The Next Season Of Dancing With The Stars

Gary Clark Dancing With The Stars West FargoWest Fargo, ND – In October 2012, Gary Clark made the decision to follow his heart and stepped down as the West Fargo High School principal to pursue his river dancing career.

Read the story here.

Since then, Gary Clark has been traveling around the world blowing audiences’ minds with his unique and remarkable river dancing talents.

Those talents have paid off as Mr. Clark has been chosen to be on season 17 of Dancing With The Stars.  It is a remarkable accomplishment as Mr. Clark is the first river dancer to ever be featured on the show.  He is also the first contestant from the city of Fargo.


“I’m excited to show the world what river dancers are capable of.  I’m not all about tapping my feet.  I can move like a swift gazelle!”

Gary Clark has recently completed the U.S. Riverdance Tour and has been teaching private and party lessons since the tour ended.

“There is no downtime for me.  I have so much energy!  My dance students will miss me while I’m off doing the show but they will be ok.  I’m coming home with a win!”

As with his river dancing, we can surely expect Gary Clark to take the Dancing With The Stars stage by storm.  He is at the top of the talent crop.

Gary Clark promises to represent Fargo with pride.

Semi Loses Control On I-94 In West Fargo

Semi Loses Control On I-94 In West Fargo

Semi Loses Control On I-94 In West FargoWest Fargo, ND – After 12:30 yesterday afternoon, a semi heading west on 1-94 was exiting the West Fargo exit ramp when it rolled.

Police are still investigating what happened but would like to note that the semi did indeed somehow roll.  Thankfully the driver wasn’t left at the wreck but was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries.

The driver was likely going from Point A to Point B.  My best bet would be he lost of control of the semi which made it roll.  Sadly, the semi was most likely not a Transformer.  A Transformer would be able to transition into it’s robot self before sustaining any damage in a measly rollover.

As of today, no Transformers have been located in Fargo.  We are glad the driver has non-life threatening injuries and wish him a speedy recovery.

Fargo, West Fargo, Moorhead Cleanup Week

Fargo, West Fargo, and Moorhead Cleanup Week Postponed Until 2020

Fargo, West Fargo, Moorhead Cleanup WeekWest Fargo, ND – Every year in May, Fargo, West Fargo, and Moorhead conduct their yearly cleanup week where people may throw out their hordes of crap.  Not this year.

This year you will have to hold onto your complete and utter crap for another……………7 years.  All three cities has postponed cleanup week until the year 2020.


City officials expect the weather  to be utter crap for the next 7 years and would like to plan ahead.  They anticipate they will be busy with other responsibilities such as flooding, snow blizzards in July, the abominable snowman, and potholes.

Fargo Potholes

The Cities of Fargo, West Fargo, and Moorhead All Hate You

Fix itAs I was driving around in my car today it came to my attention that the cities of Fargo, West Fargo, and Moorhead hate everyone and want to punish you with potholes to death.

Why they would want to punish us or my car is confusing.  They want people to leave the state even faster?  My car didn’t do anything to any of these cities so why the hate?  That is the question everyone needs answered.

Every street I drove on and I mean EVERY SINGLE STREET, there were potholes everywhere that wanted to kick me and my car’s ass.  Below is what I literally felt like driving around town.


Every turn, every lane, there was disaster waiting for me.  “Alright I’m going to be smart about this and get into another lane.  Dang…gotta turn here, ahhh dammit!  Pothole right after the turn.  There goes my strut!  Better get into the other lane.  Ahhh dammit!  Didn’t see that pothole because the car in front of me.  There goes my tire!  Going to pass this car here to get away from the po….dammit!  Another pothole in between lanes!  There goes my entire underside!  I’m going to just close my eyes the rest of the way home.”  Any bump or crash will just be another pothole I told myself.

I finally arrived home with a mangled car that resembled nothing of its former self and I have the cities of West Fargo, Fargo, and Moorhead to thank.

Please, do me a favor and visit http://pothole.streets.cityoffargo.com/ and literally just report the entire city.  As you can see below, I went ahead and submitted a pothole.

Submit a pothole Fargo

Submit a pothole Fargo

I’ll sit right here and await their reply.

How Schools Decide To Close During Weather Events

How Schools Decide To Close During Weather EventsA number of factors come into play when a school is deciding whether or not to close their doors due to weather events.


Below are some of the obvious factors:


– It is so cold that your balls shrivel all the way up into your scrotum so you no longer have balls and literally freak out wondering where your balls went.  No school for you.

– At least TWO of your children slip on the ice while going to school and suffer severe brain damage then school might be called off.  Remember it has to be at least two children.

– Zero visibility. It better look like Lindsay Lohan just sneezed on an 8-ball out there. Basically, if you can see two inches in front of you, get your ass to school and learn some french!

– If you don’t have at least two feet of snow in your driveway in the morning then school’s on, bitches.

– If the majority of every road is an ice rink, then school’s on.  Ice skate your ass to school, pussy.

-Are there polar bears roaming the streets? No matter. Ride one to class! But if you see Sasquatch, get the hell inside.

-Let’s say you walk outside and immediately seize up into a human icicle. That doesn’t mean you won’t thaw out after your mommy drags you to homeroom. Get moving.

-Your local liquor store must write you a typed long-form note explaining that they are out of Hot 100. That is one of very few viable excuses you can use to stay home.

-There is a Three Stooges marathon on cable.

-You are 99% completion on Grand Theft Auto. Understandable that you need that final mission badly.

-Your home is literally made of dirt and you bathe in a hollowed-out bison skull and burn buffalo chips for heat.



In a nutshell, if the National Guard isn’t called in, your ass is going to school in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

West Fargo Police Pumpkin Humper Arrested

Man Caught Having ‘Sexy Time’ With Area Pumpkins

West Fargo, ND – Pumpkins missing from your front door step?  West Fargo Police finally have an answer for you.

Early this morning, a West Fargo man was arrested for having sexy time with pumpkins all over the West Fargo area.  One neighbor was walking to shut the front light off when he spotted a man in dark clothing erratically humping away at his defenseless smurf carved pumpkin.  Once spotted, the man ran away taking the pumpkin with him.

Another incident 2 hours later, Ted was walking out to his car to lock it when he caught the pumpkin humper with his pants down and a small pumpkin hanging from his genitals.  Again, the man ran away, pumpkin and all.

The last witnessed incident was the pumpkin humpers embarrassing downfall which did him in.  Becky was watching a movie late last night when she heard some rustling on her front door step.  She went down to investigate and opened her front door.  There lay the pumpkin humper sprawled out on her front door step, completely passed out, pants down, pumpkin seeds everwhere.  Scattered around him were five of Becky’s pumpkins, broken and bruised.  Who knows the torture they had to endure.

Police say the pumpkin humper is in their custody and it is once again safe for everyone to put their pumpkins out on their front door step, just in time for Halloween.