Man Tries To Rob Convenience Store For A Pack Of Cigarettes Using Only A Pillow

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This is the pillow that was used to try to rob a convenience store for a pack of cigarettes.

Fargo, ND – Henry Doofus was booked on charges of felonious attempted robbery after he tried to rob a convenience store while only carrying a pillow as a weapon.

The store clerk, Richard Stonewall, at first thought it was a big joke when Mr. Doofus demanded a pack of Marlboro Light 100s while threatening to hit the clerk with the pillow.

Once it was determined that this was certainly not a joke, Richard Stonewall pulled out a large baseball bat (after pressing the police emergency call button) and then began to soundly pummel Henry Doofus until the police showed up.

Police officers on the scene found a bloodied Doofus on the floor and then carefully placed the pillow into a clear plastic bag as evidence.

Attorneys for the convenience store will be seeking a life sentence for Henry Doofus just to send a message to future potential would-be doofuses, however, they are in favor of the Doofmeister having his pillow in prison upon which to sleep and dream about that pack of Marlboro Light 100s.

Todd Rundgren Opens Moorhead Concert With A Prayer For President Trump

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Trump-lover Todd Rundgren leads the audience in prayer for President Donald Trump prior to his concert.

Moorhead, MN – Many who attended the Yes/Todd Rundgren concert were pleasantly delighted when Mr. Rundgren opened the concert with a nice long Hawaiian prayer for President Donald Trump.

Unfortunately, they were not pleasantly surprised when YES did not show up due to some serious family problems.

Luckily, Todd Rundgren was then able to dedicate his entire headlining concert to invoking spiritual help for President Trump and his entire administration whom Mr. Rundgren greatly admires.

In fact, the Toddster announced that all of the proceeds from the concert will go to help fund President Trump’s re-election campaign and also to build the tall wall to keep Americans from escaping to Mexico in an effort to avoid paying back taxes.

After the concert concluded, Todd Rundgren got a personal phone call from President Trump who said: “I don’t want to work, I want to bang on the drum all day!”

Man Claims He Simply Forgot To Get Dressed After Walking Into His Workplace Naked

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Naked man forced to wear orange jumpsuit during preliminary court hearing.

Fargo, ND – Terando Kwak got quickly arrested after walking into his place of employment totally stark naked on Monday.

Terando tried explaining to police officers that he simply forgot to get dressed that morning as he had “a lot on his mind”.

Interestingly, Mr. Kwak has a long history of attending area events naked.

He once walked into a NDSU Bison football game at the Fargodome with nothing on except for his birthday suit.

His pastor reports that Terando often sits in church on Sunday mornings only holding a coffee cup.

Police officially booked the kwakster on one count of indecent exposure and have scheduled him for a full mental evaluation at which he must wear at least some overalls.

Ironically, all of the letters in Terando Kwak can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Naked At Work!

Hurricane Limbaugh Set To Wreak Havoc On Liberal Media

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Hurricane Limbaugh has its eye on the mainstream media.

Palm Beach, FL – After Rush Limbaugh suggested that Hurricane Irma is merely a liberal hoax, Hurricane Limbaugh suddenly popped up in its place and is expected to stir things up on the mainland.

Obviously caused by climate change, which is caused by global warming, which is caused by fracking, Hurricane Limbaugh is on track to make landfall in the Palm Beach area, right where the Doctor of Democracy has his home base.

Hurricane Limbaugh is expected to wreak major havoc, just as Rush has been doing with his strong-winded criticisms of liberal ‘Democratics’ for three long decades.

Characteristics of Hurricane Limbaugh include: Very low pressure, an expansively large circulation, a calm and warm center, a strong force going outward in all directions, and many topical disturbances on a daily basis.

Fargo American Idol Audition Winner Lied About Age

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Lamina Ceroid. Wowed the crowd, loud and proud.

Fargo, ND – Auditions for the hit game show American Idol took a pit stop in Fargo today with much ado. Both young and old, women and men from parts known and unknown came forth to profess their talents to a small array of judges, expecting to change their careers and lives for the better.

The minimum age limit is 15. The maximum age limit is 28. But, to competitor Lamina Ceroid age ain’t nothin but a number and her effort has no limit. A what was purported 28-year-old Montana resident stormed the Idol stage at Marriot in Fargo this morning around 10:47 to give what was (regarded by many) a heartfelt rendition of Culture Club’s hit single Do You Really Want To Hurt Me. Man, did she slay! 

Judges were so overtaken by Lamina’s performance that they pronounced her the winner on the spot. However, there is a but. But, Lamina Ceroid might have gently lied about her identity. In fact, she lied completely about her age. The self-glossed 28-year-old is actually a 67-year-old female from Malibu whose actual name has been withheld to protect the innocent.

Not so ironically, all letters in the name Lamina Ceroid can be re-arranged to spell AMERICAN IDOL. Coincidence? We think not.

Minnesota Raising Legal Cigarette Smoking Age To Fifty

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Minnesota’s new minimum age to smoke cigarettes is now 50.

St. Paul, MN – In what many consider to be a bold move, Minnesota is upping the minimum legal age to smoke cigarettes to fifty (50).

“Yes, we believe this is the right thing to do, so this is the reason why we are doing what we are doing,“ says Geier Stockmaster, who authored the bill.

Studies have shown that people who wait until age 50 to start smoking cigarettes increase their chances of living to age 65 by a factor of 10 (assuming they don’t get rear-ended by a distracted driver travelling at 50 mph).

How do you feel about Minnesota’s new minimum age to smoke?

How would you feel if the minimum wage was $50 per hour?

How would you like free Dilly Bars for the rest of your life?

Ironically, all the letters in Geier Stockmaster can be re-arranged to spell: Cigarette Smokers!

President Trump To Vacation In Fargo

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President Trump loves Fargo!

Washington, DC – President Trump has announced that he and his first family will be vacationing in Fargo, North Dakota sometime in the near future, but is giving few details about the presidential trip.

The President has also indicated that his vacations will shift from a time-based approach to one based on conditions, such as: 1. Are we having a good time, or 2. Is Fargo now a functional democracy?

Unlike previous presidents, President Trump is not giving out any arrival date or hasty departure date in order to keep everyone on their toes, or high heels in Melania’s case.

“I will not say when we are going to vacation in Fargo, but vacation in Fargo we will,” Trump said.

Also, President Trump is acting more like a CEO than a president by authorizing his team members to make decisions on their own, such as: 1. Where shall we eat, or 2. How about if we go see a movie at the Fargo Theater?

Protestants are expected to show up when President Trump attends a church service at a local Protestant church.

Solar Eclipse Cancelled As Some Find It To Be Offensive

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Since it’s a religious experience to some, others find solar eclipse to be offensive to their beliefs.

Sunbeam, Idaho – So as to not be offensive to people of certain religious beliefs, the solar eclipse has been cancelled by federal and state authorities.

While statues of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are being pulled down because of their political incorrectness, the once-in-a-lifetime solar eclipse has now been cancelled after a number of religious leaders cried foul.

One politician wearing a Donald Trump mask in order to remain anonymous explained that by officially cancelling the solar eclipse, his chances of getting re-elected next year might improve with the voters in his district.

So, for all of you who purchased special glasses from Amazon for watching the solar eclipse, it’s not too late to return those via drone.

Now that the eclipse has officially been cancelled, this will give the country more time to tear down more monuments to our offensive past such as the Jefferson Memorial and the Washington Monument. Oh, and Mount Rushmore, you can run but you can’t hide, because they’re coming for you too.

National Coffee Shortage Causing Companies To Hoard The ‘Fuel Of Business’

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Sip it while you can because coffee’s days are numbered, just as Algore predicted.

Coffee City, TX – Large and small businesses all across America have begun to hoard coffee in anticipation of a nation-wide shortage due to Global Warming due to Algore’s changing climate.

With coffee in short supply, the speed of business in America could slow to just a trickle.

Mr. Schaffer Gootee who heads up the Coffee Utilization Program (CUP) describes coffee as the “fuel of business“ and without it, American business would come to a decaffinated halt.

Do you drink coffee at home? Do you have a six month supply hoarded in your pantry? This is what the experts are warning us to do if you like to wake to the smell of fresh-brewed coffee in the morning.

Ironically, all the letters in Schaffer Gootee can be re-arranged to spell: Coffee Shortage!

West Fargo Library Being Closed For Displaying Books

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Books such as these were blatantly on public display within the confines of the West Fargo Library!

West Fargo, ND – The West Fargo Library was recently notified that the facility will sadly be shut down at the end of the month for having displayed books within the library.

The Federal Library Administration Board (FLAB) has made it perfectly clear that the displaying of books in public libraries will no longer be tolerated as it might be found to be offensive to some non-bibliophiles.

Mrs. Foglia Strawberry who has been acting executive director of the West Fargo Library since 1978 is asking that anyone who currently has a book checked out from the West Fargo Library please kindly return their book(s) or simply keep them forever since the library is being closed.

What will the West Fargo Library be used for now that it is being shut down? The FM Observer has learned that the former library space will be utilized for Transgender Support Group meetings during the day and Transexual Studies during the evenings.

Ironically, all the letters in Foglia Strawberry can magically be re–arranged to spell: West Fargo Library!