Tiger Woods Asking For Help And Understanding After Admitting Being Wealthy Ain’t Easy

Leave a reply

Tiger Woods is asking for help.

Jupiter, Florida – In the wake of Tiger Woods getting arrested for driving under the influence (of something), many see this as his quiet way of asking for help.

Dr. Pedigo Elsworth explains that Tiger Woods may be the victim of over-wealthiness which can easily take its toll on an otherwise fairly normal person.

Dr. Dople Seigworth concurs, noting that having an abundance of money can leave a vacuous void in someone’s life which is usually filled with drugs, alcohol, facebook, or liberalism.

Life ain’t easy when you’re super rich. Just ask Tiger, whose hair is now going gray.

A Go-Fund-Me account is being set up to help Tiger Woods however none of the money raised will actually be given to Tiger as that would just make matters worse for him.

Tiger Woods: “Yeah, I really appreciate the help and support since that is what I need. The song lyrics ‘When you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going right’ pretty much describes my life these days.”

Ironically, both Pedigo Elsworth and Dople Seigworth can be rearranged to spell: Help Tiger Woods!

New Tiger Woods Invitational Golf Tournament Only For Legally Drunk Players

Leave a reply

Sometime being legally drunk can actually help your golf game. –Tiger Woods

Jupiter, Florida – The King of modern golf says it is time for him to start his own invitational golf tournament.

Tiger Woods says his new PGA tourney shall be called the Tiger Woods DUI Invitational.

Each participant will be required to consume enough adult beverages prior to each round of golf in order to be considered legally drunk by trained highway patrol officers.

Once each player’s blood alcohol level is at or above the legal limit for blood alcohol content, they will be allowed to tee off in groups of fore.

Tiger Woods: “I think this will be a real good test to see how players can handle normal adversity which is part of most people’s daily lives.”

The grand prize for the Tiger Woods DUI Invitational will be a hot new car and a full case of Mondavi red wine.

Valuable Items For Sale At Inflated Prices

Leave a reply

Call now and use promo code JUNK-17.

Junks, Louisiana – Our new retail affiliate Xing Xang Collectibles has now bargained-priced all remaining items for immediate liquidation.

Since all collectible items must be sold, take half off the already half off prices and then reduce that by another astounding 50%!

These items are guaranteed to be one of kind with less than a million produced in nondescript industrial park factories that have no windows nor exits.

You deserve the best as do all the people waiting to receive a nice gift from you.

Call now and ask for the Xing Xang bonus gift-of-the-day with any gift pack order!

Golfer Ian Poultergeist Somehow Got Trapped In A Television Set

Leave a reply

Ian Poultergeist trapped in this TV.

Buckinghamshire, England – Professional golfer Ian Poultergeist who is known for his bold fashion has somehow gotten trapped in an old television set.

Mr. Poultergeist: “Yes, I am definitely trapped in this TV and cannot seem to figure a way out.”

Becoming trapped in a television set is quite uncommon but has been known to happen from time to time, especially in England.

Cable Company: “We don’t know where Mr. Poultergeist is but would like to ask if you’d like to upgrade to our Premium Package.”

Ian Poultergeist’s golf caddie says Ian will continue to play in all upcoming tournaments that Ian has had scheduled for the 2017 season.

Mr. Poultergeist: “To all my fans: Hello and I’m fine. To everyone: Please help me find a way out of this Telly!”

New MN State Record Set For Smallest Walleye Ever Caught

Leave a reply

This baby walleye sets the new record for the smallest walleye ever caught in the state of Minnesota!

Lakes, MN – Dr. Wayne Tilley didn’t know what he was in for during the Minnesota walleye fishing opener.

Wayne had no idear he would soon be the new state record-holder for the smallest walleye ever successfully reeled in since fishing records first began being kept back during the Taft administration.

Dr. Tilley plans to have the beautiful specimen stuffed and mounted for his children’s children to share with their children, if North Korea hasn’t nuked us by then.

Wayne Tilley in his own words: “Even tho it was only about four inches long and weighed in at about a quarter ounce, the darn little rascal put up a pretty good fight!“

Ironically, all the letters in Wayne Tilley can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Tiny Walleye!

Foolhardy Fargo Men Try Operating A Powerful Magnetron Outside Its Protective Shielding

Leave a reply

These curious men forgot to protect their family jewels from a very powerful magnetron.

Fargo, ND – Some curious Fargo men broke one of the basic Cardinal Rules of Physics: Never mess with an unshielded magnetron especially while not protecting your private parts.

“Just because you can take a microwave apart does not mean it is advisable to do so,” says Dr. Grant Moen of the Institute For Higher Learning.

Among the many things you can encounter by dismantling a microwave oven are 1. testicular ionization from electro-magnetic radiation and 2. structural isomerism from powerful micro-wavelength waves causing irreversible personal cell deformation.

The three men in question are now resting comfortably in their hospital beds while frequently hitting the morphine button to mitigate the magnetronical pain they have been experiencing since their ill-advised experimentations.

Moral of the Story: Always have protective shielding on, when messing with a microwave’s magnetron.

Ironically, Grant Moen’s molecules can all be re-arranged to spell: Magnetron!

North Dakota First State To Make Church Attendance Mandatory

Leave a reply

Sunday church attendance is now mandatory in North Dakota just like Obamacare made buying health insurance mandatory.

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota legislature has now made attending church on Sunday required by law.

The bill which passed unanimously will also give a 10% tithe from each church’s offering plates to the state as a thank you kickback for requiring every North Dakota citizen to attend church each and every week.

“We believe this is what the people who sent us here want, and also what God wanted when she said ‘Thou shalt attend church on Sunday’ in that famous speech on the mountain,” says Lester Walstrum from Zap, who co-sponsored the landmark legislation.

This new law goes into effect today so if you’re a North Dakota resident, you might want to change your plans of going fishing or having family breakfast at Denny’s until after you’ve done your due diligence and attended church and also put your voluntary mandatory offering in the offering plate, so help you God.

Amsterdam Douglass Donates Priceless Painting For Global Cooling Fundraiser

Leave a reply

True Blue Sky by famous local artist Amsterdam Douglass (minimum bid is $500,000)

West Fargo, ND – To get things kicked off for our Annual Global Cooling Silent Auction Fundraiser, local artist Amsterdam Douglass has graciously donated his amazing work called True Blue Sky.

Amsterdam Douglass: “Even tho it’s worth a lot more, we’re setting the minimum bid on this painting at an even $500,000 since fighting Global Cooling is such an impotent cause.”

If you would like to donate a work of art for this fundraiser, please contact Comrade Perkins. Kindly include your name, your highest level of education, and your suggested minimum bid.

If you would like to bid on any of these valuable works of art in the name of Global Cooling, bring a lot of cash and enjoy the music from The Sounds Of Silence during this very silent auction.

Military Developing Pink Night Vision Just For Female Fighters

Leave a reply

Pink is the new Green.

Pink, Oklahoma – The U.S. Military working in conjunction with the color pink has come up with new pink night-vision goggles for its female fighting force.

The traditional green phosphor night-vision was designed for males whose eyes are more sensitive to the green color pallet.

But Dr. Ivon Pinski who heads up Project Pink says the female eye is most sensitive to fifty shades of pink.

Dr. Pinski: “Ya, we pink this will really help our female combat warriors during night-time missions. Plus it shows we care about all pink causes without having to wear a pink ribbon on their already pink camouflage fatigues.”

Coincidentally, all the letters in Ivon Pinski can be re-arranged into: Pink Vision!

Moorhead Names Itself The Most Scenic City In The Moorhead Area

Leave a reply

One of the many scenic viewscapes in and around the lesser Moorhead area.

Moorhead, MN – The city that was originally named after Captain Ralph Moorhead (who opened Ralph’s Corner Bar which Moorhead subsequently tore down) is proud to announce that it has named itself the most scenic city in the Moorhead area.

Some of the fascinating viewscapes in Moorhead almost take your breath away as if you’ve just had a sudden scare by re-watching the Blair Witch Project.

In fact, the Blair Witch Project is planning on using Moorhead as a backdrop for an upcoming Blair Witch sequel in which the entire population of Moorhead gradually disappears one by one as the city grows chronically dark.