Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

McDonald’s To Introduce Two New Sandwiches

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McDonald's new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

McDonald’s new McHorse and McPony sandwiches

Oak Brook, IL – Ronald McDonald is excited to announce the addition of two new meat sandwiches to their international chain restaurant McMenu.

The McDonald’s Corporation will soon be unveiling the McHorse sandwich, for people who are “so hungry they could eat a horse”.

Hungry children will have a chance to pony up with the new McPony sandwich.

The larger McHorse sandwich will cost $3.99 while the smaller McPony sandwich will be marketed on the popular Dollar Menu*.

McDonald’s is trying to take the lead in providing high-quality processed horse meat – an idea they got from the British.

Ronald McDonald claims that their new sandwiches will be at least 50% actual processed horse (or pony) meat and less than 20% crushed bone.

In addition, “attractive and interactive” new McPetting Zoos will be replacing most of the out-dated McPlayLands.

“Kids just don’t like playing on large boring plastic equipment anymore.” says Jonita McJammer, one of Ronald’s many corporate assistants. “But put a live McBunny in their lap, and let the magic begin!”

*The McPony sandwich will also be available in Happy Meals, along with four different McPony toys. Collect all four of them! Their names are: McTibbets, McPerky, McRangler, and McPaco. 

FM Observer Invites Russians To Bookmark Our Website

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The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

Dear People Of Mother Russia: Дорогие люди России-матушки:

We are your friends. Мы ваши друзья.

We mean you no harm. Мы не причиним вам никакого вреда.

We come in peace and have vodka. Мы пришли с миром и есть водку.

Since Putin has shutdown your state media, we invite you to save our website in your list of favorites. Поскольку Путин имеет выключение государственные СМИ, мы приглашаем вас, чтобы спасти наш сайт в свой ​​список фаворитов.

Our website, the FM Observer, can provide you an excellent source of news from around the world. Наш сайт, FM-наблюдатель, может обеспечить вам отличный источник новостей со всего мира.

The FM stands for Fargo Moorhead. FM выступает за Fargo Moorhead.

We call our website the Observer because we observe people at grocery stores and fitness centers and in parking lots. Мы называем наш сайт по наблюдению, поскольку мы наблюдаем людей в продуктовых магазинах и фитнес-центров и на парковках.

We are decent people who like a good time. Мы порядочные люди, которые любят хорошо провести время.

We can also hopefully make you laugh during the long cold Russian winter. Мы можем также, надеюсь, заставит вас смеяться в течение долгой холодной русской зимы.

We also like to drink vodka and sing songs. Мы также хотели пить водку и петь песни.

Some of us have large vegetable gardens. Некоторые из нас имеют большие огороды.

Some men here like to dress up as women. Некоторые мужчины здесь любят наряжаться, как женщины.

Sometimes when other drivers cut in front of us, we experience Road Rage. Иногда, когда другие водители сократить перед нами, мы испытываем Road Rage.

We are just like you except different. Мы, как и вы, за исключением по-другому.

We want you to like us on Facebook. Мы хотим, чтобы вы были бы мы на Facebook.

If you need anything from the American people, contact Secretary John Kerry. Если вам нужно что-нибудь от американского народа, свяжитесь секретаря Джона Керри.

Coach Bohl To Become Pastor Bohl

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The mountains are calling me.

Fargo, ND – The spiritual leader of the champion NDSU Bison is about to trade in his coaching cap for a clerical collar. Coach Craig Bohl has announced he will be packing his bags and moving to Wyoming. He will become the head pastor at Harmony Lutheran Church in Lusk, Wyoming.

The FM Observer asked: “Whyoming?” Pastor Bohl calmly answered: “Because that is where I have been called to serve my higher power. Not to mention, that I have always loved the mountains.”

As the most successful coach in NDSU history, Harmony Lutheran Church can expect that Pastor Bohl will be their most successful minister ever. Church committee members there said they really liked his God-given ability to recruit new church members and bring out the best of everyone’s talents in their church community.

Mr. Jonas Bagley, who headed up their search committee, said that during his interview, Pastor Bohl’s ability to motivationally speak to their hearts about doing the Lord’s work in Wyoming really put him head and shoulders above all the rest of the candidates.

Church treasurer Ms. Connie Francis said she is very excited about what Pastor Bohl’s influence will be upon their upcoming stewardship drive. Their goal is to raise $1.5 million to build a new Sunday School Center and also help translate all their current teaching materials into Spanish.

OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car

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Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it

Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it…period!

Warshington, DC – President Obama’s new Affordable Car Act (or as many affectionately call it: ‘ObamaCar’) was secretly rammed through Congress by Democrats in the middle of the night, while unsuspecting Republicans were asleep at the wheel.

Then, to sell the flawed plan to the American people, President Obama repeatedly told cheering hand-picked crowds in all the blue states:

“If you like your car, you can keep your car…period!”

“You and your family, yawl can keep your car, if you like it!”

“I guarantee that if you like your car dealership, and you like your car, you will be able to keep them!”

Unfortunately, it is not playing out this way.

Under ObamaCar, millions of Americans who thought that they would be able to keep their cars, are now losing them.

With the ever-expanding government now taking control of all car dealerships, and mandating that Americans purchase a government-approved ObamaCar, automobile prices are now starting to sky rocket (just as Senator Cruz predicted).

Plus, a new round of taxes will kick in right after the elections to help pay for part of the giant new bureaucracy that is being created to run it all.

The Automobile Device Tax will significantly raise taxes on the Middle Class to pay for free ObamaCars to be given to all undocumented Democrats.

You have until the end of February to get rid of your unapproved car and purchase an ObamaCar, or the IRS will be scheduling you and all your relatives for full audits.

President Obama has personally hired an army of ObamaCar Navigators who are paid well to teach you how to “beat the system”. Many of these Navigators are convicted felons. Some of them will soon be getting out of prison and would love to visit your home and get to know you.

To sign up for ObamaCar, you can either use the handy-dandy website: ObamaCar.gov (which is not ready yet), or call a helpful ObamaCar Navigator via the toll-free number: 1-800-SCREW-YOU.

Snoopy Banned From Parade For Using Inhalants

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Snoopy be bad doggy!

Snoopy be bad doggy!

New York, New York – America’s most loved mutt has been banned from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Snoopy has tested positive for using inhalants.

Authorities first suspected the mongrel of inhalant usage after noticing slurred speech, a general dazed appearance, unusual hostility toward others, and rashes around his mouth and nose.

“We are very disappointed in this unfortunate development”, said Webb Eubanks who is essentially the Executive Director for the Big Parade. “In fact, we are disappointed to the point of disbelief.”

Top parade officials admitted that Snoopy was the last celebrity character that they would have thought would use inhalants. SpongeBob, Kermit, or The Smurfs have all had problems with inhalant usage in the past, but they all tested negative.

The investigation is on-going. Charlie Brown’s home is being searched for signs of inhalants since he is the owner of the dog. Linus and Lucy may be included, as they have each gone through detox within the past year.

In an effort to deter youngsters from using inhalants, it should be noted that one of the possible long-term effects from using inhalants is: death.

West Fargo Teacher Stung By A Sting Operation

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Sting Stang Stung

Sting Stang Stung

West Fargo, ND –  A young teacher at the West Fargo High Skool named Gordon Summers (age 32), was allegedly, the subject of a school-girl fantasy. She wanted him, so badly, and she knew what she wanted to be. Inside her, there was so much longing, and this girl was an open page. The problem is, that the girl, (let’s call her Lolita), was only half his age (16).

Mr. Summers, after noticing her nearness, initially tried to maintain a professional distance from Miss Lolita by repeating to her: “Please, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me.”

For good reason, her friends became quite jealous, you know how bad girls can get. Sometimes, it’s not so easy, to be the teacher’s pet.

Temptation coupled with frustration got so bad, that it made him almost cry. Then, while she was waiting at a wet bus stop, he drove by in his car, all warm and dry. When she got in, he repeated to her: “Please, don’t sit so, don’t sit so close to me.”

With a lot of loose talk in the classroom, to hurt Lolita, her classmates would try and try. There were also many strong words in the staffroom, and (as you can imagine) the accusations began to fly.

At this point, there was no use in denying his attraction to Lolita. Everytime he saw her, he would begin to shake and cough, quite similar to Humbert, in that one book by Vladimir Nabokov.

Update #1: Mr. Gordon Summers was recently arrested and taken to jail for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. While in jail, he would often tell his cellmates: “Please, don’t stand so, don’t stand so close to me.”

Update #2: It turns out…that Lolita was actually the daughter of the Police Chief, and the whole thing was one giant set-up. Basically, Mr. Gordon Summers was stung by a Sting Operation.

Update #3: This entire multi-level plot was written by a very creative sophomore named Stewart Copeland from West Fargo High Skool for a homework assignment in his Film Studies class.

Update #4: Ironically, the teacher of this Film Studies Class is named Mr. Humbert, and his daughter, whose name is Lolita, is going to prom with…Stewart Copeland!

Kangaroo Boxing Coming To Fargo

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Boppers, the boxing kangaroo, is coming to Fargo and looking for some worthy challengers.

Fargo, ND – The Australian champion kangaroo boxer is coming to Fargo. Boppers is his name and boxing is his game.

Kangaroo boxing is one of the most popular sports down under in Australia. The sport is quickly gaining popularity in the United States.

When his trainers and handlers asked Boppers where he wanted to go in the United States, Boppers indicated on the map that Fargo was his choice.

Boppers will take on any challengers in the form of one adult male, or a pair of adult females, or any three teenagers, or any four children under the age of twelve.

Boppers will fight any challengers in either traditional boxing or full contact fighting. If you are considering the full contact event, please remember that Boppers has one very large tail and two very large feet.

This unique event is currently being planned to be held at The Hub in Fargo but may be moved to a larger venue such as the Civic Center or Fargodome if needed.

If you are interested in fighting Boppers, please contact the FM Observer or The Hub and indicate what type of team and level of fighting experience you would bring to the challenge.

Other important information about Boppers to carefully consider before a challenge: Boppers is twice as fast as Muhammad Ali and thrice as powerful as Mike Tyson. Boppers is constantly watching videos of classic boxing matches on large flat-screen TVs throughout his training center. Boppers is very proud of his record: 1,230 wins and zero losses.

Red River Diversion On Hold Due To Analysis Paralysis

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Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Red River Valley – After years of maps and meetings, officials are throwing their hands up and saying “Enough is enough!”

“We give up and need a fucking break from all this shit.” said Norman Assberger, chairman of the Diversion Research Information Project (DRIP).

“If one more person comes up to me in the grocery store and wants to talk about ‘The Diversion’, I swear my fist is going to land in their fracking face.” he continued.

With tensions building between opposing groups regarding where the Red River diversion should go, a past all-star wrestler/governor suggested having an alcohol-induced free-for-all brawl to reduce the level of animosity amongst former friends who now are on opposite sides of this polarizing issue.

Some are talking about the possibility of having a ‘Diversion to the Diversion’. This would translate into bringing in Shania’s Twain for a special series of concerts in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

At some participating retirement homes in the area, the map of the diversion project will be made into beautiful quilts in an effort to raise enough money so that members of the Diversion Committee can go on an extended vacation to some remote island and experience the relaxing effects of hot-stone massage therapy.

Professional mediator and website-ordained pastor Harry Bongmeister says that he has seen this type of situation before.

“Yeah, I seen this type of situation before, don’t cha know. Back when them there sugar beet union workers were locked outta that there one building. After too much stress, people just start to snap, crackle, and pop!”

“My professional advice would be: If ya don’t like the stress of being in the limelight no more, take that there lime and mix it with a generous portion of tequila, and propose a few margarita toasts to yourself, if ya know what I’m saying. It certainly works for me!”

How To Build An Underground Bunker

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Build your very own underground bunker!

Your Town, USA – In our on-going effort to bring you free adult education classes, the FM Observer is proud to present our next, in a series of lessons for modern day survival.

This article focuses on “How To Build Your Own Underground Bunker”.

Like us, if you have ever desired to live in a unique home, and also wanted to have the CIA-type security of an underground bunker, this lesson is just for you.

Underground bunkers come in all shapes and sizes and can range from small storage bunkers to entire living facilities equipped with beds, food, and beer.

Whatever your paranoia, an underground bunker is sure to solve your problems, and give you and your family the peace-of-mind you seek.

Here are a few simple steps to build your very own underground bunker:

1. Design your underground bunker. Plan your work before you work your plan.

2. Build it yourself or hire a qualified contractor. Make sure you find someone who can keep a secret.

3. Ensure that your underground bunker is safe and well lit. Check for improper ventilation and avoid a roof collapse.

4. Stock your underground bunker with everything that you and your loved ones will need. Take a trip to Sam’s Club and buy at least $250 of supplies, including water, non-perishable foods, and Advil.

5. Enjoy your underground bunker for the rest of your natural life!

Please feel free to send in photos of your underground bunker to the FM Observer. We’ll show you ours, if you show us yours.

Downer Changing Its Name To Xanax

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Time for a name change...from Downer to Xanax.

Time for a name change…from Downer to Xanax.

Downer, MN – The sleepy town of Downer, Minnesota says it is time for a name change. All seven residents voted unanimously to change the name from Downer to Xanax.

The mayor of Downer, speaking from his basement couch, said: “The name Downer has served us well for hundreds of years, but it is time for a new beginning. As of January 1st, 2017, I will certify that the official new name of our town will be Xanax. We believe Xanax will more aptly reflect the feeling and energy level of this humble little community.”

If you are a person who suffers from panic attacks, anxious insomnia, or are just clinically depressed, Xanax might just be the place for you.

Please call 9-1-1 if you start to develop hives, or you can no longer breathe, or if your face and lips begin to swell up.

Stop living in Xanax if you have constant thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself.

Xanax might not be the best place for you if you no longer fear danger and your behavioral patterns swing toward unusual risk-taking, coupled with profound confusion and hyperactivity.

Have someone call a doctor if hallucinations lead to hostility and unnecessary agitation.

If you think you might pass out, or find that you can no longer urinate, it might not have been such a good idea to move to Xanax in the first place.