Category Archives: National

How To Get Rid Of Man Boobs

Special push-ups to prevent or get rid of man boobs

Special push-ups to prevent or get rid of man boobs

La Push, Washington – For any man with man boobs, a new exercise has been specifically developed just for you.

As you may have seen, man boobs is a growing problem usually among middle-aged men. It affects everyone from some top pro golfers to the person possibly sitting next to you.

Luckily, some body physiology research scientists have come up with a new exercise just for you. It is called the Reptile Push-Up.

To perform the Reptile Push-Up, simply follow these easy directions:

In a standard push-up position, raise your right knee up until it touches your right elbow. In this position, bend your arms to a 90-degree angle and then straighten your arms out again. Straighten out your right leg back to the normal push-up position. This counts as one push-up.

Next, raise your left knee up until it touches your left elbow. In this position, bend your arms to a 90-degree angle and then straighten them out again. Straighten out your left leg back to the normal push-up position. This would be push-up number two.

By lifting a leg like a dog before performing a push-up, you shift more weight onto each arm in each repetition, which helps to build chest muscle more quickly and get rid of those man boobs.

After consulting with a doctor, work yourself up to 100 reptile push-ups in the morning right when you get out of bed and then do another 100 in the evening, probably just before supper.

We would love to hear about your success story if this post helps you get rid of your man boobs.

Oscar The Grouch

Oscar The Grouch Admits He Is Made Of Marijuana


Oscar The Grouch
Oscar The Grouch, a muppet character from the ever so popular kids show Sesame Street, has finally come clean about himself.

Today on Good Morning America, Oscar has revealed to the world that he is actually made out of Marijuana.

“I feel it was time to finally come clean about myself.  I am indeed, one big nug of weed.”

Parents Television Council have been in a huff since this revelation as Sesame Street is a childrens television show.

Concerned parents are afraid Oscar The Grouch will endanger their children, turn them into murderers, and become a gateway to more hardcore drugs.  However, after speaking with some current and former children on the show, they stated that they have been smoking Oscar The Grouch for quite sometime now which explains why they always seem so happy on the show.

oscar the grouch smoking weed

Oscar states that he does not put pressure on any children to smoke him but does admit it helps him, as well as the children, deal with the fact that there is a big yellow talking bird on the show.  It also calms his nerves due to the stress of living in a garbage can all his life.

New Government Board Game: The Red Line

"The Red Line" is a new fun family board game.

“The Red Line” is a new fun family board game.

Washington, DC – The Obamadministration is mandating that all Americans will need to purchase a new government board game called “The Red Line”.

It is, in part, designed to educate the American public about the current Syrian Crisis.

It will also hopefully help build support for Congress to back President Obama’s desire to bomb the hell out of Syria for its continued alleged use of chemical weapons.

This new board game is not only fun for the whole family, but will also teach players about actual evidence collected by the U.S. Government regarding the Syrian leader’s nefarious crimes against humanity.

Each player gets to set their own Red Line. If any other player crosses your Red Line, you can then decide whether or not you want to punish them into submission, let it go unpunished for a week or a month, or wait to see if Congress votes to get the United States involved in another wasp-nest quagmire.

Fun game cards throw in some crazy random twists to your growing problematic situation, such as: President Obama shows strength by going golfing, Secretary John Kerry offers free ketchup to the entire Middle East, Ambassador Dennis Rodman plays basketball with Syrian President Assad.

60% of all proceeds from “The Red Line” board game will go to the Democratic Party to support their candidates in the upcoming 2014 and 2016 elections. The other 60% will help build President Obama’s Presidential Library which has been designed to be transparent, just like his presidency.

Any American citizens who choose to not purchase “The Red Line” board game will be crossing another red line, punishable by a $250,000 fine and up to 10 years in a federal prison.

amanda bynes clown wig ghost

Amanda Bynes Is A Ghost

The Amanda Bynes meltdown is going just as expected.  She has reportedly been moved Los Angeles psychiatric center that previously treated Brittney Spears.  She is following previous celebrities footsteps just wonderfully.

Below she can be seen leaving the Hillmont Psychiatric Center Hospital dressed as a ghost with a blue clown wig.  The thought was that the ghost costume would confuse the paparazzi as ghosts are invisible most of the time.  The blue clown wig kind of  gives it away though.

amanda bynes clown wig ghost

I’m a ghost!

 

We will continue to follow this celebrities meltdown just as long as she doesn’t keep dressing as a ghost.

We can’t report on things we can’t see.

Pink Eye SuperBug Is Highly Contagious

EYE1PX1Pink Hill, North Carolina – Just as millions of children are heading back to school, researchers at the Pink Eye Research Village (PERV) in Pink Hill, North Carolina are studying a new pink eye superbug which is not only very highly contagious, but which also has new ways of spreading.

The normal pink eye (or conjunctivitis, for all you scientists) is the inflammation of the clear lining inside the eyelid and on the white of the eye. It is basically spread by having contact with a person who has it and is best prevented by thorough washing of hands. The inflammation gives the eye its distinct pink color.

Dr. Conrad Madras, who heads up PERV, says that the new pink eye superbug turns the person’s entire head pink and is spread in a number of new and disturbing ways.

German physician Dr. Klaus Schmid, who is a member of the PERV team, explains that the new superbug can be spread by looking at someone who has the new pink eye. “No matter what the distance is, if you look at an infected person, you yourself will be infected, and your entire head will eventually turn pink.”

Italian Dr. Fabiola Giordano is studying how the superbug is spread by coming in contact with any pink clothing. “Any clothes that are pink can be the transfer mechanism for someone to get the pink eye superbug, which loves to hide in and amongst bright pink clothing.”

Chinese researcher and ping-pong player Dr. Li Tsao is very concerned about the new pink eye superbug being contracted through email. “If someone who is infected with the new superbug sends you an email, and you happen to open that email, you will soon have a full-blown case of the new pink eye. We have never seen anything quite like it.”

If you are concerned that you may have possibly been exposed to the new pink eye superbug, you can call the PERV staff at 1-800-PINK-EYE. If you’re in the North Carolina area, you can also stop by the PERV center. Just look for all the pink buildings, and enter at your own risk.

apply now reality show fargo

Fargo Reality Show Details Revealed

apply now reality show fargoFargo, ND – A local promotional company is looking for reality show contestants.  It has been revealed that the contestants will be competing to be Taylor Swift’s next boyfriend.  The winner will also be entitled to any proceeds Taylor Swift makes from any songs she makes of their future break up.

Most people out of the state wouldn’t even know where Fargo was on the map.  It’s most notable mention was the movie ‘Fargo’ which wasn’t even filmed in Fargo.  However, that doesn’t matter to a casting company out of Los Angeles.  They think Fargo, North Dakota would be a great city to host a reality show involving Taylor Swift.

It has been revealed that the the casting company is looking for reality show contestants to compete to be Taylor Swift’s next boyfriend.  Due to lack of interest in other cities, the company thinks Fargo may be the ticket.

“We couldn’t find anyone interested in dating Taylor Swift in 15 other cities so we are hoping Fargo, ND is the last stop for us to try and find interested applicants.”

The company says it already has received hundreds of applications and plans to advertise in the local newspaper and radio next week to hopefully get even more applications.

The winner will officially become Taylor Swift’s boyfriend as well as receive royalty money on any songs Taylor Swift makes of them when they eventually break up.

Russian 2014 Olympics To Be Celebration Of Gayness

When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

Sochi, Russia – As a strong sign to the international community that Russia is becoming more open and friendly, Russian leaders have let it be known that the upcoming 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi will, in part, be a giant gay pride celebration.

Ever since Sochi was chosen back on July 4, 2007 by the International Olympics Committee to be the site of the 2014 Winter Games, the Russian government has been working hard to be more sensitive to the gay lifestyle and to make gay athletes from all countries feel welcomed in Mother Russia.

All competitors are encouraged to wear rainbow colors while at the Russian games. The Sochi International Airport will have hundreds of rainbow flags (as seen in the picture) displayed to welcome gay and lesbian athletes from Austria to Zimbabwe.

Mr. Igor Kuznetsov, who heads the Russian Olympics Preparations Committee says to “think of the Sochi 2014 Winter Games as Russia’s giant coming out party for gay rights and the gay lifestyle in general. If Liberace was still alive, he probably would have been playing for our opening ceremonies.”

As another sign of good will, the Russian government is considering the temporary release of the imprisoned members of the all-female punk band “Pussy Riot” and having them perform at the Olympics. Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Adele, and Sir Paul McCartney all have indicated that this would truly be a loud and positive message “From Russia With Love” to the rest of the world.

White Man To Marry Black Bear

Ted & Barry ask: Please bear with us as we join our lives together.

Ted & Barry ask: Please bear with us as we join our lives together.

Beartown, Pennsylvania – When Barry Ambrose was growing up as a young boy, he loved his stuffed black Teddy Bear. Unfortunately, that original Teddy Bear was suddenly lost when his family’s home went up in flames.

That loss was almost more that Barry could bear. But his love of bears never left him over the years.

As a grown man, Barry set out on a wilderness adventure loaded for bear. He was as hungry as a bear to find a grown-up replacement for his youthful friend.

Now bear in mind, most folks are looking to get away from large black bears. But Barry Ambrose kept hoping that his search would eventually bear some fruit.

One day, when he was just about to give up hope, he finally found what he was looking for. It was truly love at first bite.

Barry and Ted met in an angelic open meadow full of colorful flowers and fluttering butterflies. After they greeted each other with a large bear hug, they continued to frolic in the forest for a fortnight.

Not long after that, they were making plans to get married. Pastor Toni Thompson, who is going to be performing the wedding ceremony, said the two have a very special connection and their own way of communicating with one another.

Even though many friends expressed reservations about a white man marrying a black bear, Barry said they decided to not just grin and bear it, but to smile and do it.

Barry explains: “It’s always a special feeling to fall in love, especially when you’re being pursued by a bear. What I love about Ted is his unpredictability.”

After they were able to bear the brunt of much initial strong criticism from friends and family, they have plans for a large outdoor wedding, followed by a honeymoon in Yellowstone National Park. During the winter, they both will probably hibernate for a few months.

Google To Image Inside Of All Homes

Google Home-View coming to your place

Google Home-View coming to your place

Mountain View, CA – Google recently announced that their controversial Street-View cameras will soon be coming into your home. Ready or not, your home or apartment will have a Google Home-View camera probe and document your personal dwelling space.

This stunning announcement came from the main Googleplex campus near San Jose, California. Google spokesperson Rosemary Belch said: “Think of this as a colonoscopy of your home.”

With state-of-the-art equipment, a Google Home-View representative with a back-mounted 9-directional digital camera will enter your home unannounced.

By law, you must allow the Google representative to enter your residence. Heat-sensing lenses will show them if anyone is trying to hide inside the home. If your house or apartment is unattended, they will enter on their own, with a universal key.

Once inside, they will quickly send high-definition panoramic pictures of your entire living space up to one of many orbiting Google satellites. Some selected homes will be photographed in 3-D images.

Ms. Belch explained: “Since the Street-View cameras already have the outside of your home, now with the addition of complete Home-View images, the entire world will not only know where you live, but also how you live.”

The uses for the Home-View images will be endless, claims Google. Everyone from law enforcement to insurance companies to potential burglars will benefit from seeing a panoramic tour of your living place.

If you happen to be at home when your Home-View imaging is being done, you are asked to simply sit in your favorite chair and smile for the cameras.

FM Observer Wins Best Website Award

FM Observer Wins Award

FM Observer Wins Award

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it has been selected to receive the prestigious Best Website Award. This amazing award came with a short note from the selection committee: “For continuously raising the bar for other websites to meet, we bestow this top award to the FM Observer. May you continue to thrive and lead by example for generations to come. Congratulations on a job well done!”

Obviously, this award came as a shock to us. On the Richter scale, this would be right up there with O.J. selling his Heisman trophy. “We’ve won some other minor awards before but never anything like this!” said a random staff member who was jumping for joy on his desk. “It’s amazing to see so many people all laughing and crying at the same time” said another.

A top team manager put it this way as she popped open a cheap bottle of champagne: “With a staff of over a hundred associates, it just goes to show what can be accomplished with a little hocus focus and a lot of elbow grease. We would mostly like to thank our readers and fans for their loyalty and also our parents for all of their unsolicited feedback.”

Our President and CEO, who wishes to remain anonymous for tax reasons, believes that since this award is the result of everyone’s contributions, from the managers and team leaders down to the translators and proof-readers, this award will be shared equally by all. Just like the Stanley Cup, the trophy will travel from home to home of everyone who helped make this possible. After it makes the rounds, it will finally come to rest in a special trophy case in the lobby area of our main corporate campus headquarters office building, right next to the coffee fountain.