National

United States government closing Florida border permanently
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United States government closing Florida border permanently

July 13th, 2013 | by Nick
Washington, DC – With the George Zimmerman verdict serving as the straw that broke the camel’s back, the government of our fair nation has decided to (finally) close Florida’s border off from the rest of the...
Government Spy Birds Are Watching You
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Government Spy Birds Are Watching You

June 27th, 2013 | by Johnnny
Osprey, FL – New information is being leaked by the Governmental Leak Information Bureau (G.L.I.B.) about federally trained birds that are now being used for domestic surveillance. Ospreys (click on picture) and other...
Russia Says It’s Not Harboring Any Pale, Colorless Americans
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Russia Says It’s Not Harboring Any Pale, Colorless Americans

June 25th, 2013 | by Nick
Moscow, Russia—Vladimir Putin and his evil band of KGB cronies vehemently stated earlier today that they are not knowingly in possession of any ghastly-looking American males, especially those named Edward Snowman. Russian...
New Multi-Bike Is What’s Hot This Summer
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New Multi-Bike Is What’s Hot This Summer

June 21st, 2013 | by Johnnny
Riderwood, Maryland – If you’ve been curiously wondering what the hot new trend is going to be for the Summer of 2013, your wait is over. It’s the Multi-Bike! (Click on picture to zoom in.) Just as the FM...
Verizon Wireless Sorry It Let Government See Your Useless Texts
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Verizon Wireless Sorry It Let Government See Your Useless Texts

June 18th, 2013 | by Nick
Washington, DC—Amidst reports and allegations regarding Verizon Wireless’s involvement in the much maligned PRISM scandal, the mobile network titan has finally offered a public apology to its cellular subscribers in...
Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies
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Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies

June 17th, 2013 | by Johnnny
Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota Education Association (NDEA) has decided to officially drop math from the state’s teaching curriculum. The teaching of boring, traditional math will be replaced by super-fun,...
NSA Sick Of Watching Us Screw Up ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’
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NSA Sick Of Watching Us Screw Up ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’

June 9th, 2013 | by Nick
Washington, DC—Reports that the National Security Administration is pulling our phone records have been met with serious outcry over whether or not this action infringes on American citizens’ right to privacy. In...
Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi
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Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi

June 4th, 2013 | by Johnnny
Pilottown, LA – Miss Hazel Brown of Pilottown, Louisiana is about to attempt the unattemptable. Miss Brown (Miss is short for Mississippi) has been preparing to navigate all 2,320 miles of the Mississippi River in a simple...
President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer
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President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer

May 28th, 2013 | by Johnnny
Arlington, VA – After addressing the nation during a somber Memorial Day service at Arlington National Cemetery, the ever-popular President Obama was jumped by a crazed, young Tea Party organizer. Parker Cornell, of Hubert,...
Painfully Normal Guy Discovered Living In Los Angeles
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Painfully Normal Guy Discovered Living In Los Angeles

May 15th, 2013 | by Nick
Los Angeles, CA—SoCal. L.A. Paradise City. The coolest city with the coolest people with the best weather. You gotta be a badass, actor, musician, beautiful person or an otherwise famous celebrity to live there…or so we...