Category Archives: National

NASA Rocket Launch Bringing Two Of Every Species To The Moon

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Noah’s Rocket is full of animals!

Moonshine, Illinois – NASA has unveiled its new Noah’s Rocket designed to bring two of every animal species to the moon in a last-ditch effort to save the Animal Kingdom from an imminent world-wide cataclysm.

N.O.A.H. (National Operative Aerospace Hyperchamber) is making its maiden voyage from Moonshine to Cape Canaveral via big truck trailer. NASA will then procure a prolific specimen profile to propel into space aboard N.O.A.H. After which, N.O.A.H. is slated for launch from the Cape in September of this year.

Top secret intel gleaned by FMO shows that in the cargo bay area of Noah’s Rocket will be two of every animal from Planet Earth. During their short trip to the Moon, the in-flight movie will be Eddie Murphy’s Dr. Dolittle. Once safely on the lunar surface, all of the animal pairs will be handed over to the Chinese, who have already secretly established a Table Tennis Complex on the Moon. In addition to Ping Pong, they will be able to add a much anticipated Petting Zoo.

NASA is working hard to make N.O.A.H. a success. “Between now and the day we launch, if science discovers any more species, we’ll be sure to jam em in there,” remarked project lead Whackite Bangtowner. Bangtowner, a Supreme Biologist, noted that there is one animal species they have not yet included in the trip. “If you know any homo sapiens who want to be thrust violently into the moon along with the rest of Earth’s creatures, please, don’t tell Obama.”

Brian Williams’ Entire Identity Now Being Questioned

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Brian Williams? His name is Robert Paulson.

Brian Williams? His name is Robert Paulson.

Nyork, NY – With many beginning to question the factual authenticity of a number of news stories reported by the popular NBC news anchor, some are now even looking into if his name is actually Brian Williams.

Independent investigators looking into the host of NBC Nightly News have now learned that in fact his name is Robert Paulson.

The long-used pseudonym “Brian Williams” was possibly the result of cleverly conflating two names of his former college roommates: Brian Exner and Gordon Williams.

George Washington University is positively confirming his name is Robert Paulson.

Records show that he did not graduate from GWU, which was one of the “big regrets “of his life.

His supposed birthdate of May 5, 1959 also seems to have been bogusly fabricated, along with his presumed affinity for NASCARacing.

Chief Investigator Erron Brooks: “The more we look into this guy, the more questions pop up. But at this juncture, the only thing we know for sure is that: His name is Robert Paulson.”

Drug Companies To Give Bill Cosby Lifetime Achievement Award

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Doctor of Pharmacology

Shelburne, MA – Drug Companies are planning on giving funny man Bill Cosby a lifetime achievement award.

“Never has one person used so many drugs on so many others over such a long period of time,” says Rolf Hoffman-La Roche, spokesperson for the Drug Companies Conglomeration Corporation.

Rolf goes on: “Analyzing the veritable range of drugs purportedly used by funny man Bill Cosby over the years to tranquilize others is quite impressive and shows a mastery of pharmacalogical dispensation.”

Some of the drugs allegedly found in funny man Bill Cosby’s stockpile allegedly used to relax his clients allegedly included: Clonazepam (Benzodiazepine), Rohypnol (Flunitrazepam), Xanax (Alprazolam), Dormicum (Midazolam), Restoril (Temazepam), Liquid X (GHB, Gamma-Hydroxybutyrate), Special K (Ketamine), Ambien (Zolpidem), and Mickey Finn (Chloral Hydrate).

“It’s no wonder that cappuccino tasted a little funny,” said all of the women who are now stepping forward saying that funny man Bill Cosby salaciously drugged them.

When asked how he felt about getting the Drug Companies Lifetime Achievement Award, funny man Bill Cosby’s response was: “No, we don’t answer that. There is no response. There’s no comment about this. People shouldn’t have to answer to innuendos. We don’t talk about it.”

Young Pigs Express Concern Upon Learning Where Bacon Comes From

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Makin' Bacon

Makin’ Bacon?

Swineford, Pennsylvania – The Pork Industry Group (PIG) says that pigs all across this great nation are planning protest marches to raise awareness for violence against pigs.

After seeing a government video depicting where bacon comes from, a number of young pigs began to raise some concerns about their future safety as pigs.

The video was the wonderful brainchild of Michelle Obama who believes that any animals raised for meat should have the right to see a video that clearly shows exactly from where that meat comes.

Peter Porker is the spokespig for the PIG group. He believes that “there is a national anti-pig attitude toward pigs that is putting pigs in an unsafe environment to be who they are and express their true inner pigness.”

Watch for updates on this tantalizing story as pigs all across the nation are organizing pig parades so people can pledge their support for the plight of the piggy porkers.

One tangible thing that you can do to show you care more than others about this issue is to wear a ribbon made out of a piece of bacon anytime you go to a grocery store. Peter says: “Thank You and Help Save Us Pigs!”

Obama To Send All Republicans Into Outer Space

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Obama is urging all Republicans to get on board!

Washington, DC – With his growing unconstitutional powers, President Obama is planning on executing another of his executive memos.

This time he is plotting to ask all top Republican leaders to take a “tour” of a new NASA rocket.

When all are aboard, the tour will suddenly blast off into a one-way ticket to another galaxy.

NASA spokesguy Buzz Almond says: “This is actually a pretty clever way of getting rid of all the gridlock in Washington. We need the President to be unfettered by the old traditional checks and balances. Sending all the Republicans into outer-space should really help the Obamagenda.”

If we could travel at light speed, the trip to the next galaxy would take about 150 years. But, of course, the warp-drive engines are not working, so the trip will take eons.

Unfortunately, because of threatened cuts to the rate of growth for most governmental agencies, the Republican Rocket will only be stocked with enough food for about 12 days.

Upcoming presidential executive memos to watch for are: Nationalizing all public and private golf courses, becoming one large combined country with Mexico, total government control of television and the internet, and the construction of large work camps for all who dare to oppose the Democrats.

Government To Begin Grouping People Into “Sick Camps” By What Diseases We Have

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This group of people all have the same disease. Guess which one.

All of the people in this group have the same disease. Can you guess which one?

Washington, DC – With the help of the CDC (Centre for Disease Control), Big Government will soon be organizing communities into groups of people based on what diseases we have.

Since Big Government already has access to all of your private medical records, the group you will be in has already been decided upon by your local community organizing Obamacare Navigator.

People with similar disease profiles will eventually all be bussed to a special Sick Camp specifically designed just for that group, where they will be provided afforable healthcare based on their income levels and past voting records.

So, as the new year approaches, make sure your bags are all packed and that you and your other family members are all ready to be separated for an “undetermined amount of time” so that Big Government can help you help yourself.

NASA Reducing Its Goal To Just Being Able To Successfully Launch A Rocket

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NASA’s Antares Rocket Wallops An Island Off Virginia

Wallops Island, VA – Despite an apparent ‘glitch’ during take-off, NASA is saying that everything is under control and that no one should have any reason for concern.

Even though many on-lookers witnessed an alleged explosion during the attempted launch of the NASA Antares Rocket, government officials are down-playing the event as a possible ‘abnormal termination’.

Because of this, however, the future goals for the NASA space program could soon be lowered. Rather than shooting to return humans to the moon by 2020 and sending a manned mission to Mars by 2030, NASA is considering changing its goal to just being able to successfully launch a rocket into space without it blowing up on the launchpad.

A NASA spokesperson spoke: “By changing our blueprint for future deep space exploration, we are better aligning our goals with the true capabilities of a governmental agency to effectually bring a mission to a successful conclusion.”

The good news is that even though the U.S. has become totally dependent on the Russians to get us to and from the International Space Station ever since our own Space Shuttle program was ended in 2011, we luckily have maintained a great relationship with our friendly Russian allies.

Clever ‘Calibration Errors’ Ensure Democrat Victories In Every Political Race

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It's not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

It’s not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

Washington, DC – Even if no Democrats show up to vote in the upcoming state and national elections, Republicans better be ready to lose each and every political race in the country.

Democrat community organizers have cleverly rigged all the voting machines in every voting district to register any Republican votes as Democrat votes.

For any Democrats that do show up to vote, each vote that’s actually entered for a Democrat candidate will automagically be duplicated by a special multiplier factor that is specifically, scientifically, and strategically set by the Democrat Party for each voting district.

By rigging each voting machine to only register votes for Democrats, this eliminates the need for the IRS to target troublesome conservative Tea Party groups.

By ridding the U.S. House of Representatives of all Republicans, and increasing the Democrat’s control of the U.S. Senate, this will free Washington of all that paralyzing gridlock so that President Obola can fully implement his “Lean To The Left” transformational agenda for America during his last two years in office.

So, don’t forget to get out and vote early and often in the upcoming elections. What matters is that you do your civil duty to cast your ballot. What doesn’t matter is for whom you vote. That’s already been taken care of.

Lumberjack Union Working With CDC To Stop Treebola

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Feverishly working to rid forests of Treebola!

Lumberjack Woody Axman feverishly working to rid forests of Treebola!

Treetop, North Carolina – Lumberjacks all across the country are wasting no time in their frantic effort to chop down any and all trees suspected of having the dangerous Treebola Virus.

According to the Center for Disease Control’s new Treebola hotline, the best and surest way to identify any trees with Treebola is to look for the telltale red leaves which may also be withering and even falling off a sickly dendrite.

To help slow the spread of Treebola, immediately chop down any trees you think may be harboring this vexing virulent virus, or call your local Lumberjack Union representative for a coordinated assistance response plan (CARP).

White House Ebola Response Team Practicing Their Craft

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Ebola Response Team: Practice Makes Perfect

Ebola Response Team: Practice Makes Perfect

Washington, DC – Luckily for the American people, the White House Ebola Response Team (WHERT) is constantly practicing to improve their game.

Top key players of WHERT, including the newly named Ebola Czarina, Dr. Pam Demic, Senior Professor of Ebology from the University of Ebolia, are focusing their main efforts on playing as much golf as possible at as many different golf courses as possible in an effort to make sure that any golf course the President may want to play is a 100% Ebola-free zone.

Realizing the importance of winning the War on Ebola, each WHERT member has a special disinfected smart phone capable of calling the President at the drop of an Ebola-contaminated hat.

One hazmated WHERT member said: “We’ll allow feverish Ebola patients to board commercial airline flights but we will NOT let anyone who’s possibly been exposed to Ebola to get within 10 miles of any golf course that’s on the President’s list.”

WHERT is also working hard to ensure that any future White House intruders that wildly run through the Executive Mansion have not recently flown to the United States from Nigeria, Guinea, or Liberia in the last two months.

Dr. Pam Demic emphasizes that “WHERT will be focused on fighting Ebola so that the President can focus his attention on jobs, the economy, and making sure golfing is safe for all future generations of anyone who survives this untimely and unfortunate Ebola pandemic.”