Tag Archives: fargo

Proposed New Downtown Fargo Parking Ramp Offers More Style Than Space

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For the lucky few that find a parking space, they will be impressed by the Rococo design.

For the lucky few that find a parking space, they will be highly impressed by the Rococo-designed ceiling.

Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be getting some much needed extra parking spaces thanks to a proposed new one-level parking ramp.

But instead of focusing on maximizing space for parking, developers have decided to maximize its architectural flair.

“By sacrificing some parking spots, we will be able to deliver to Downtown Fargo some much needed Rococo architectural attractiveness,” says Mel Anoma, who heads up Fargo’s Parking Authority.

The proposed new single-level parking ramp will cost about forty million dollars while the price tag for the impressive one hundred foot Roman-Rococo ceiling is expected to be about eighty million dollars.

Mr. Anoma adds: “As a special treat, we’re planning on having valet parking by trained illegal alien parkers, in order to really pack the cars into the actual parking area, which should hold about sixty cars when parked bumper to bumper.”

Fargo Band Selected To Perform During Halftime Of Next Super Bowl

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Double Negative is not expected to not perform during halftime of Super Bowl 51!

Fargo, ND – The ever-popular Fargo band “Double Negative” has just been chosen to play during the halftime of Super Bowl 52!

Even though the news came as quite a surprise, the seasoned band members all took it in stride.

Lead singer Mattie Guzman: “At first, we thought we didn’t have what it takes, but that attitude won’t get you nowhere.”

Guitar and saxophone player Tony Malone: “We can’t not be any worse than Coldplay was.”

Drummer Jimmy Chambers: “We haven’t never played for an event as big as the Super Bowl.”

Keyboardist Garland Gendron: “Nobody with any sense isn’t going to miss playing this gig.”

Bass player Adam Stokes: “I don’t not think this is a very, very big deal!”

Some of the songs that Double Negative often plays at gigs in Fargo include:

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction
We Don’t Need No Education
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

Some of the songs written by Double Negative and which you can expect to hear during halftime of Super Bowl 51 are:

That Won’t Do You No Good
I Ain’t Got No Time For You
She Never Kisses Nobody

Fargo Man Performs Amateur Exorcism

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exorcismFargo, ND – An area man, without the help of a brave Catholic priest, has completely freed his significant other from demonic possession. Blenn Fristle, 42, was able to purge the darkest beast from within his wife Pavia by quickly skimming through the 2013 edition of Exorcism For Dummies.

“I won’t get into it too far, but chapter 4’s Scream Away The Ghost worked damn well in a pinch,” said Fristle. “It’s an easy read. You don’t gotta recite no spiritual hibbajib like they do in movies. You basically yell ‘get out of here, ghost!!’ a buncha times ’til you pass out. And, boom! The devil’s gone.”

Fristle’s wife Pavia isn’t convinced she had ever taken in an evil spirit. “I wasn’t possessed by nuthin’. Blenny just thinks i’m ‘full of the devil’ when it’s that time of the month. It weren’t no damn exorcism.”

The Observer commends Mr. Fristle for standing tall against Satan on his wife’s behalf. Exorcism For Dummies can be found at a bookstore near you.

Barry Manilow’s ‘No Apologies’ Tour Announces Possible Stop In Fargo

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Barry Manilow offering ‘No Apologies’ for any of the songs he’s written.

Barry University, FL – The one and only Barry Manilow with his latest “No Apologies” Concert Tour has announced he is considering a concert tour stop in Fargo.

A few contract details still need to be ironed out such as the final price tag, and all the specific requirements for snacks in Barry Manilow’s dressing room.

FMO: Why is your concert tour called “No Apologies”?

Barry Manilow: Because I refuse to apologize for some of the songs I wrote!

FMO: Why would you apologize for some of the songs you’ve written?

Barry Manilow: Only because some people and websites are calling for me to apologize for some of the songs that I’ve written. Apparently they really do not like them and wish I’d never written them.

FMO: Do they mention which songs you should apologize for?

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Long list of required dressing room “snacks”.

Barry Manilow: I guess some of them might include: Lay Me Down, Talk To Me, Marry Me A Little, Freddie Said, The Night That Tito Played, Can’t Smile Without You, I Want To Be Somebody’s Baby, Turn Up The Radio, and I Write The Songs That Make The Young Girls Cry.

FMO: So, why don’t you just apologize?

Barry Manilow: No! I am Barry Manilow and I will apologize for nothing! I like all of my songs, including my latest one that I just wrote yesterday which is called “No Apologies”.

Mail Delivery In Some Fargo Neighborhoods Described As ‘Random’ At Best

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In some Fargo neighborhoods, the chances of getting someone else’s mail is: 100%

Fargo, ND – “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

But nowhere in the U.S. Postal Service’s motto does it say that mail will be swiftly delivered to the correct address.

In some Fargo neighborhoods, the chronic problem of mail being delivered to the wrong address is so bad that it has gone beyond just a maddening irritation to the point of being a laughable joke!

“It’s gotten so bad” says Ann Velope, “that it seems like they’re either screwing things up on purpose, or blind chimpanzees are sorting and delivering our mail.”

The Postmaster admits there might be an occasional problem but is quick to point out that “when a piece of mail is successfully delivered to the correct address, it’s a miracle that should be celebrated, especially when you consider that many mail carriers have dyslexia. But since no one can ever be fired from a government job, they either keep working their current job, or get promoted, like I did.”

Wife Divorcing Husband For Christmas Shopping At A Strip Mall

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Better think twice before shopping at a strip mall!

Fargo, ND – A Fargo woman is filing for divorce after finding out her husband was doing some “Christmas shopping” at a strip mall.

Maxine Garrison said she was driving by a local “strip mall” when she allegedly saw her husband walk into that strip mall. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. So I called my husband on his cell phone. When he said he was still at work, I knew something was up.”

Mr. Lewis T. Garrison later tried to explain in vain that he was just out doing some last minute Christmas shopping for his lovely wife and also wanted to pick out a nice card from the Hallmark store for his wife of 19 years. However, divorce papers have already been filed and the matter is now headed for the dreaded Divorce Court.

Maxine Garrison warns: “If husbands think it’s just OK to go spend time in some seedy strip mall, especially just before Christmas, then they damn well better be ready to lawyer up!”

Fargo’s New Party Barge To Run On Red River Yearound Thanks To Global Warming

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Fargo’s Red River Party Barge

Fargo, ND – Thanks to Algore for first inventing the Internet, and then Global Warming, Fargo’s new Party Barge will be providing tours of the Red River throughout the entire year.

The Party Barge is an actual decommissioned Navy tugboat recently taken out of service during the overall downsizing of our military.

Depending on the season, Party Barge tours up and down the Red River will serve hot cocoa, wine, beer, or shots of tequila.

While riding on the Party Barge, passengers will be able to get a first-hand view of our local nature, wildlife, and homeless population who live under the bridges.

The covered docking area which will be maintained by a group called Pier Group Pressure will sell homemade scones, donut holes, and lefse.

Pier Group Pressure chairwoman Flavia Gracestone says she envisions the Party Barge docking area to be a wonderful new community resource rentable by various support groups, cults, gangs, churches, and political parties.

Endangered Sea Monkeys Found In Fargo’s Red River

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Rare family of Sea Monkeys throw monkey wrench into Fargo’s water supply!

Fargo, ND – Scientists have discovered a family of Sea Monkeys living in the Red River near downtown Fargo.

Sea Monkeys were recently moved off of the endangered species list. These cute little suckers are now considered critically endangered and thus are a very protected species of living creatures.

The Environmental Protection Agency has declared that Fargo can no longer use the Red River as its source of drinking water, effective immediately.

Fargo is now scrambling to find alternative sources of water.

Some possible ideas proposed by Fargo leaders include: Devil’s Lake, Sam’s Club, or buying dehydrated water off of the internet.

If you have any ideas that could possibly help, please do not hesitate to contact the Fargo City Commission immediately.

In the meantime, Fargo’s rare family of lovable little Sea Monkeys can be seen playing in and around the Red River by Dike East.

New Designated Driver ‘Party Bus’ Offers Free Rides To Bars In The Fargo Area

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Fargo’s New Party Bus offers free rides to all bars!

Fargo, ND – Fargo is now offering a new free service for those who have been drinking. It is called the Party Bus!

The Party Bus will provide drinkers free rides to and from all bars in the Fargo and West Fargo area. As punishment for tearing down Ralph’s and Kirby’s, Moorhead is not included.

If you and your friends have been drinking quite heavily, perhaps after a heart-breaking Bison football loss, just use your smartphone app to request a free ride to your next pub on the Party Bus!

This free service, which is thoughtfully provided by Alcoholics Anonymous, will only be available from noon to midnight and will run every Thursday through Sunday.

Have you been wanting to get out more and do more binge drinking but were always worried about getting pulled over by the cops? Now you can, and leave all the driving to the Party Bus!

Visit Fargo’s Famous Upside Down House

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Take your frown & turn it upside down.

Fargo, ND – One of Fargo’s lesser known but more popular tourist attractions is the Upside Down House.

Executive Director Chidinma Obialo who grew up upside down says Fargo’s Upside Down House is the only one of its kind in the entire country.

Guests are encouraged to write upside down comments on the walls of the house.

The comments range from: “˙uǝǝs ɹǝʌǝ ǝʌɐɥ I ǝɔɐld dn pǝʞɔnɟ ʇsoɯ ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ”

to: “˙uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝʌᴉl oʇ ʇuɐʍ ᴉ dn ʍoɹƃ ᴉ uǝɥʍ”

The Upside Down House is easy to find: Just go six blocks East, turn North for about a half mile, and then turn onto Upside Down Drive.