Tag Archives: fargo

Most People In FM Area Consider Themselves To Be Above Average

Most of the people in Fargo and West Fargo are above average but not as many in Moorhead.

Most of the people in Fargo and West Fargo are above average but not so much in Moorhead.

West Fargo, ND – Our annual survey results are starting to be compiled and are showing that most of the people in the Fargo-Moorhead area consider themselves to be above average.

West Fargo tops the list where 84.7% of people surveyed strongly consider themselves to be above average which is up a bit even from last year.

The City of Fargo had about 78.4% of its people believing that they are above average which is about the same as previously discovered.

Moorhead, Dilworth, and Glyndon bottomed out the list as only 48.7% of their residents think of themselves as being above average.

We request that all neighborhood captains report your survey results within the next few weeks so that the official final numbers can be tallied and included in our year-end final reports.

Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani To Stay In Guestroom Of Randomly Selected Fargo Home

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If you have a nice guest bedroom, we would very much like to stay with you and your family.

Fargo, ND – With Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani coming to Fargo for a concert stop, the superstar couple is requesting to stay with “some normal folks” in a randomly selected Fargo home during their stay here.

Would you be willing to share your guest bedroom with Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani?

If so, you will need to fill out an official application which should include photos of your guestroom, you, and your family (sorry, no pets).

All qualifying applicants will be put into a random drawing and the lucky selected winner will be hosting Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani in your home for one night during their visit to Fargo, North Dakota!

Fargo Skool Board Reveals Its List Of Lofty Goals For The Upcoming Year

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Fargo Skool Board members wear their red choir robes to sing in unison on critical issues affecting future generations of tax payers.

Fargo, ND – It is that exciting time of year again when the Fargo Skool Board announces its list of goals for the upcoming skool year.

Not only is it important to set easily understandable and attainable goals but it has been shown that sharing these goals with parents and students at the outset of the year also creates accountability.

Plus, providing Fargo Skool Board members a good exercise in well-defined goal setting demonstrates for others how to properly function in a post-industrialized society for future generations to come during good times and bad times regardless of one’s fiscal propensities.

Here are the Fargo Skool Board’s Top Ten goals for the upcoming year listed in order of how long they are:

1. Implement classroom-based enrichment through experiential-based learning processes.
2. Seize standards-based mastery learning within professional learning communities.
3. Revolutionize over-arching risk-takers through a collaborative process.
4. Exemplify real-time schemas through authentic, real-world scenarios.
5. Pool bottom-up experiences across cognitive and affective domains.
6. Embrace assessment-driven critical learning via self-reflection.
7. Operationalize real-world models for our 21st century learners.
8. Engineer inquiry-centered styles within the core curriculums.
9. Triangulate over-arching student success via introspection.
10. Deliver intuitive schemas through cognitive disequilibrium.
11. Grow critical guiding coalitions in data-driven schools.
12. Enable dynamic living documents across content areas.
13. Amalgamate dynamic experiences through “Big Ideas”.

When asked to list them in priority order with the most important first, here is the order we were given: 10, 12, 7, 8, 5, 13, 11, 3, 6, 1, 9, 2, 4.

When asked to list them in order of the most challenging down to the least challenging, here is that order: 12, 4, 8, 6, 5, 13, 1, 7, 11, 9, 3, 2, 10.

When asked to list them in order of the most cost-effective if achieved within a set timeframe, here is that order: 6, 8, 2, 9, 11, 1, 3, 10, 4, 5, 13, 7, 12.

Finally, when asked to list them in numerical order based on their randomly assigned goal numbers, here is that order: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

West Acres Mall Stolen By Man Dressed As Security Guard

Forensic photographers capture images of the crime scene where West Acres Mall was stolen.

Forensic photographers capture images of the crime scene where West Acres Mall was allegedly stolen.

Fargo, ND – The West Acres Mall was allegedly “stolen” during the night but investigators on the scene are still only using the phrase “temporarily missing”.

Unfortunately, police do not have the luxury of looking at any good security camera footage because that was also stolen, along with the entire mall.

By cleverly monitoring Facebook chatter, officials believe they are looking for a former mall security officer named S. Rae Hickok because of his claim on social media: “I just stole the West Acres Mall!”

Needless to say, West Acres Mall will be closed today and until this crime is solved.

In the meantime, if you have any information about this case or if you happen see the West Acres Mall somewhere, please call your local authorities immediately for a possible reward.

Young Fargo Inventor Hits It Big On Shark Tank

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Smart Cream will cure what ails you!

Fargo, ND – On an upcoming Shark Tank show, a youthful Fargo inventor wows all five sharks and walks away with a mega deal.

The FM Observer received a brief notification about this breaking story with limited details.

What we do know is that twelve-year-old Kim Klug was offered $10 million from each of the five sharks for her Smart Cream.

Kim’s invention, when rubbed on skin, will cure whatever ails a person.

In Kim’s words: “My Smart Cream figures out what the problem is and then fixes it.”

With her Shark Tank deal, along with additional possibilities for some of her other inventions, Kim Klug could be a billionaire by her 13th birthday.

When we contacted Kim about her sudden success, here was her response:

“From a young age, my parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life, that your word is your bond and you do what you say and keep your promise, that you treat people with respect. They taught and showed me values and morals in their daily lives. That is a lesson that I continue to pass along to others. And we need to pass those lessons on to the many generations to follow. Because we want our children in this nation to know that the only limit to your achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them.”

New Fargo Motorcycle Gang Called ‘Hell Monkeys’

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Fargo cautiously welcomes The Hell Monkeys to town.

Fargo, ND – Whether it likes it or not, Fargo now has a new motorcycle gang with which to contend.

The Hell Monkeys are their name and they claim to be more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Hell Monkey members tend to emulate one another because: monkey see, monkey do.

They purportedly only deal with monkey business that may or may not land them behind monkey bars.

Fargo Police might throw a monkey wrench into their plans if The Hell Monkeys decide to monkey around any laws.

The gang’s leader is named Bingo – a grease monkey by trade, a beer monkey during the evenings, a monkeyshine on the weekends, and a monkey’s uncle to Bubbles who lived at Neverland Ranch with Michael’s Jackson.

The Hell Monkey motto is “see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil” which includes disregarding all speed limits since they cannot read street signs.

The gang concurs with the old saying: if you pay peanuts, you get chunky monkeys but if you don’t pay any peanuts, you get angry monkeys.

They are also warning Fargo residents to never monkey with another monkey’s monkey.

If you ever need to get a monkey off your back, you may need to monkey up and do the monkey hustle with some fresh bananas, lest one or more gang members go ape on you.

‘Black Lights Matter’ Has One Small Problem

Blacklight Smatter

Blacklight Smatter

Fargo, ND – A number of people in the North Fargo area had recently replaced their normally white porch lights with blacklights to show support for the Black Lights Matter movement.

Not only did this look real cool but it showed that these neighborhoods cared with this expression of solidarity for a trending national cause.

Unfortunately, in practical terms, the dimly lit streets in these areas have allowed the crime rate to dramatically increase.

The number of robberies, burglaries, break-ins, car-jackings, and muggings more than tripled overnight ever since the brighter white lights were replaced with the blacklights.

Kimbrell Scavetta, a spokesperson for Black Lights Matter commented: “We have no comment at this time about this matter, although I will say that we positively disagree with any negativity directed towards Black Lights Matter as a result of these unsubstantiated statistical findings.”

Moral of the story: Sometimes trying to support national causes causes more problems rather than helping to solve problems.

Psychic Predicts Large Number Of Fargo Sinkholes To Appear In The Coming Months

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Psymon Soothsayer says: “This is the first of many chasms to come.”

Fargo, ND – A well-known psychic has predicted that Fargo will soon be riddled with many good-sized sinkholes.

Psymon Soothsayer recently went on the record with the FMObserver and prognosticated that “numerous sinkholes will soon be forthcoming in and around Fargo, with the first one to manifest itself just north of the West Acres area.”

Now that it’s happened (at the intersection of 9th Avenue South and 42nd Street), city officials are giving Psymon Soothsayer’s sinkhole prediction much more credibility.

Psome of Psymon’s other recent predictions that have turned out to be correct include:

> The Minnesota Twins would have a dismal year.
> Donald Trump would become the presumptive GOP nominee.
> Prince would unexpectedly expire without a will.
> The Rio Olympics would be moved to Zanzibar due to The Zika.

If you discover a new sinkhole in the Fargo area, please report it to the Fargo Sinkhole Hotline: 1-800-SINKHOLE.

If you end up down inside a sinkhole, it’s probably best to call 9-1-1!

Zombie Jimmy Hoffa Emerges From South Fargo Sinkhole

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Cell phone photograph of Zombie Jimmy Hoffa inside the sinkhole!

Fargo, ND – After many years of wondering, pontificating and scouring its whereabouts, the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body has finally revealed itself. Shortly after a gaping sinkhole opened up on 9th avenue and 42nd Street south, the zombified body of the notedly-vanished former Teamster’s Union President slowly emerged.

Seen via cell phone footage: “No employer really accepts a union,” said Zombie Hoffa from inside what is and has apparently been his grave for over 40 years. “People have a right to a fair day’s wage for a fair day’s work.” 

Hoffa continued to blather on and on about unions and fairness until a conspicuously nearby Speaker Of The House Paul Ryan kicked him back into the hole.

It is believed that this F-M area “sinkhole” has been Hoffa’s government witness protection facility since his disappearance in 1975.

FM Observer Recruits Pizzaologist To Analyze Alleged New Pizza Corner Flavor

Not the new logo.

Not a/the new logo.

Fargo, ND – As you are surely aware, Valley City’s own Pizza Corner pizza has been bought out by a Minnesota company named Bernatello’s. Much hubbub has been tossed about over the “new flavor” reveal. People are talking.

An example: “It smells like corporate influence. Like a suit and tie got caught in the packaging. It tastes shallow and pedantic, like a wealthy conglomerate,” states longtime Pizza Corner customer 2ddie Pophentopp via a Facebook post.

What we’ve gleaned from all this commotion is that there is a high probability of difference between pre-buyout and post-buyout Pizza Corner, although who can be sure?

Caxton Nudewrath, Pizzaologist®

Caxton Nudewrath, Pizzaologist®

That is why the FM Observer has recruited noted Pizzaologist Caxton Nudewrath to settle the debate over whether or not the new entity is doing anything different to the famous ‘za.

Nudewrath’s credentials leave no question as to his qualification. “I come to you with a major in Oven Physics and a minor in Grease Tactics; and a Masters in AmerItalian Cuisine with a PhD in Pizzaology.”

His colleagues agree. Ertson McFluck, noted Pizzaologist with sub-studies in flatbread and pot pie, has traveled the world analyzing pizza with Nudewrath. “Caxton has tried every type of ‘za in every major city in America and even abroad during his 6-month stint in Sicily. He will dissect every delectable dissimilarity–however numerous–between pre-buyout and post-buyout Pizza Corner. You can trust him as far as you can throw him.”

The summation of Nudewrath’s final analysis of Pizza Corner’s esteemed taco flavor variety:

“Initial comparison between pre-buyout and post-buyout Taco Pizza leaves me little to discuss. If you put a gun to my head and asked me to….well, actually, why would you threaten my life over pizza? Are you completely insane?? You’re the kind of person who should fail a background check. Anyway, the difference here is negligible and mostly indiscernible. They are compositionally, olfactarily and flavorously the same. Now if you’ll excuse me, i’m desperately needed at Pizza Palace headquarters in Veltchasm, Kentucky.”