Tag Archives: sex

Teams Of Foreign Specialists Coming To Fargo To Study The Mating Habits Of Fargo Natives

Mating habits of Fargo folks to be closely examined by Dr. Abraham Notti-Figgs and his team of sexperts.

Fargo, ND Fully equipped with lab coats and clipboards, multiple teams of mating habit specialists from various foreign countries will soon be descending upon Fargo for a long-term scientific study.

Dr. Abraham Notti-Figgs will head up the research group comprised of experts from a dozen countries that are particularly interested in the mating habits of Fargo natives.

The scientific study team selected Fargo, North Dakota as the focus of their study based on numerous factors, including 1. general remoteness, 2. extreme weather, 3. excessive alcohol consumption, 4. regional birth rates, and 5. cultural diversity.

Dr. Notti-Figgs explains that their mating habit research study of people native to Fargo will be divided into three (3) main groupings:

Volunteer Video Ventures (V.V.V.)
Secret Stealth Studies (S.S.S.)
Mating Methods Matter (M.M.M.)

If you would like to volunteer for the V.V.V. study, please contact Dr. Abraham Notti-Figgs and his team.

If you would like to not be included in the S.S.S., please maximize the privacy settings on your smartphone, smart TV, and any other smart devices in your home and office.

Interestingly, all the letters in Abraham Notti-Figgs can be re-arranged to spell: Fargo Mating Habits!

Peter Pan Claims He Was Abused By Michael Jackson, Until Tinker Bell Found Out!

Michael Jackson is looking more and more guilty until disproven innocent.

Neverland, CA – The real Peter Pan is now alleging that the late Michael Jackson sexually abused him in Neverland.

[FMO wonders: Was this the reason why Michael Jackson wrote “I’m Bad, I’m Bad, I’m really, really Bad!?”]

Michael Jackson is posthumously arguing that it never, never happened and all he wanted to do was just sleep with the forever-young Peter Pan.

Peter Pan’s attorneys are saying that Mr. Pan is willing to take a lie-detector test to prove that the truth is on their side (plus, it’s all on videotape).

Luckily for Peter Pan, Tinker Bell was there at the time, to protect him from Michael’s alleged lewd advances.

Once Tinker Bell caught wind of what was going on, she used her formidable Pixie Dust powers to thwart Michael’s possible pedophiliac activities post haste.

Hungry Teddy Bear

Area Man Banned From Having Sex With Teddy Bears, Arrested Again For Having Sex With Teddy Bears

FargoHungry Teddy Bear,ND – A local Fargo man with a very long list of public indecency charges was arrested AGAIN this week for having sex with teddy bears.

Jim Hankly was arrested Thursday evening after witnesses say they saw Mr. Hankly with his pants down humping a large teddy bear in Island Park.

According to the police reports, witnesses also saw the man running in circles while humping the stuffed animal as well.  They also noted that children were very disturbed by witnessing this and may now need to be put on prescription drugs their whole life.

In 2002 Jim Hankly was arrested for humping teddy bears at the local swimming pool.  Later in 2005 he was arrested again for humping teddy bears in one of the local McDonalds.  Specifically in the ball pit.  Then for a third time, he was arrested for fornication with multiple teddy bears in front of his house scaring his neighbors.

Hankly has been arrested 6 other times.  All for public indecency charges.

While I have an addiction to gummy bears, apparently Mr. Hankly has an addiction to humping teddy bears in public.

We will follow this story as it will be interesting to see how he will be judged.  Does he belong in jail or does he need counseling?  And what about the bears?

What do you think?


Gillette Ad FAIL


Gillette recently released an ad that they thought somehow didn’t look dirty at all.  You may see the ad directly below.

Gillette Ad Fail

We asked a few residents around town what their thoughts were after viewing the ad.  Below are their responses.


“Is that Barack Obama raping another American? What are they doing to each other?”

“That dude is getting humped in the rump!”

“That guy in the black is going to slap the guy in the red in the butt while in the mud.  That’s dirty!”

“That guy is totally getting raped in the butt.”

“Its baracka-back mountain.”

“Gooooo spank some butt on Gillette Mountain.  In the mud and everywhere.”

“Smell nothing?”

“That certainly looks like butt sex.”

“The guy in black sure is giving everything he’s got!”

“That is gay porn right there.”

“Is he humping a guy stuck in the mud?”

“That’s gay.”

“He’s definitely smelling something.”

“Well, they are definitely having butt sex.”

“Poor guy is getting raped right in the butt in the mud there.”

“Well this certainly reminds of their old saying, ‘The best a man can get.’ Ads certainly have changed.”


Well I have to agree with everyone in their response.  The guy certainly looks like he’s getting raped in the buttox.  I’ll leave you with this to cleanse your mind.

List: Top 10 Things to Do In Fargo During Winter

Downtown Fargo In The Winter


Fargo, ND – Guess what? Acutally, don’t bother guessing. We all know because we all dread it. That’s right–winter’s here! You can literally feel your guts seize up each time you step outside. Temps across the region have dropped faster and farther than a Walmart rollback. Always the low temp. Always.

That being said, the Observer has compiled a short to-do list for the coming months in an effort to help everyone cope. Here are some fun winter activities to get you through the season:



  1. GO TO MCDONALD’S- There are 8, count ’em, 8 McDonald’s restaurants in the F-M area. This strikes me as an unnecessarily high McD’s-per-capita ratio. Compare that with only two Noodles & Co., and ZERO Tokyo Joe’s. To get a better feel for how overpopulated McDonald’s restaurants are, try this: go outside right now, turn in the direction of the nearest McDonald’s and throw a rock as hard as you can. I bet you’ll hit it.
  2. DRIVE ON THE ICE- The Earth literally turns into an ice rink here in the winter. Once the snow falls, it gets compacted into a sheet of frozen tundra that has zero chance of melting until maybe April. This makes for some exciting adventures out on the streets! Bumper cars, doing donuts in any open parking lot or getting hammered and ruining some lives all become viable options when out and about in your vehicle.
  3. NOTHING- Chances are you’re afraid of the creeping death waiting for you right outside your front door. The odds of catching pneumonia and/or frostbite after leaving the house are a solid 2 to 1 (in layman’s terms, pretty much a sure thing). So what does that leave you with? Literally nothing. Survive off of what you have indoors–just don’t bother leaving the house for fear of dying due to the wind chill factor being stuck at -50 degrees Fahrenheit all hours of the day. But, if you’re feeling brave, continue to #4 on our list…
  4. TEMPT FATE- Think you’ve got what it takes to stay alive? Go outside then. I dare you. Put Old Man Winter’s abilities to the test. But before you do, pray to the good Lord in the sky that you don’t slip on the frozen tundra, fall and break your hip because if you don’t have someone there within 5 minutes to help you into your car/house, you’re a goner. Nice knowing you.
  5. BLOG ABOUT WINTER- You have a couch? Internet access? Great! Then you can tell the internet how much you despise winter. Visit twitter.com, facebook.com, tumblr.com or the comment section of this article and jam away on that keyboard. Let your fingers go numb from an activity other than contracting frostbite. Vent your frustrations to anyone and everyone willing to hear them because dammit, you have a voice!
  6. HAVE SEX- I honestly cannot think of a better way to keep warm than rubbing your body against someone else’s. Get out there right away and find a sex partner before it gets too cold out. Trust me on this. I don’t care whether you go bareback or not–that’s your call. Anyway, here’s why: a furious makeout sesh will create friction. Friction creates heat. Heat is absolutely vital to staying alive during the winter season. It makes perfect sense! I would make a run at having intercourse at least twice per hour during winter. Just saying.
  7. EXERCISE- Did you plan on hibernating this winter? Don’t! That raises the likelihood of freezing to death. Statistics say the more active you are, the warmer you will be. I would say join a local fitness center, but that would require leaving the house. Not smart. Instead, find an in-home workout routine that’s right for you. Stretch the limits of your body. Do it for your own personal wellness, but more importantly, to survive.
  8. VIDEO GAMES- Ever heard of a little game called Grand Theft Auto? I bet you have. It’s a brilliantly engineered Playstation/Xbox game that puts you in the shoes of a deranged criminal. You can steal cars and gun down pretty much anybody you see walking the streets, not to mention all the other felonies you get to perpetrate. Wrap yourself in 80 blankets, shut off the cell phone and whittle the hours away terrorizing the mean streets of “Los Santos”. Buy GTA V if you don’t have it. The game is so addicting, you’ll be old and decrepit by the time you’re sick of it.Trevor-GTAV-BurningCar
  9. METH- Maybe you’re one of those self-destructive types who loves to gamble on your life? If Breaking Bad has taught us anything, it’s that meth is badass. You can add meth to your daily routine and accomplish nearly double the amount of tasks you used to (since sleep has now become an afterthought). Be warned, however–meth use comes with some very life-altering and dangerous side-effects. Schizophrenia being one of the funnest!
  10. SNOWMOBILE- A winter activity that is performed outside and is enjoyable?? Sign me up! Oh, wait…it’s 4,000 degrees below zero. Nevermind. But you can go right ahead! It’s like taking a jet ski on land. Dashing through the snow on a motorized sled might not be a bad time as long as you can fit 27 layers of clothing on and still manage to grip the handle bars. Best of luck with that.

Well, there you have it. I’ve given you plenty to work with this year. The list is yours–please use it. Have as much fun as you can before the river floods next spring!

McDonald’s Sandwich Lover Awarded $2 Million Settlement

Pittsburgh, PA – A McDonald’s customer suing the world-famous restaurant chain for damages caused after burning himself on a hot Big Mac has won his case. Ryan Deerfield of Pittsburgh, PA took it upon himself to sue after a piping hot Big Mac burned him while he was enjoying it–but not in the way you and I are picturing. Oh no. Deerfield had taken his love for the Big Mac to a whole new level…

Have you ever heard someone profess their love for a restaurant with such vigor and enthusiasm it made you wonder what sort of drugs they were on? Well, Deerfield made his love of the McDonald’s Big Mac very apparent to store patrons one fine day back in February. According to the lawsuit, Deerfield was under quite a spell that upon ordering the Big Mac, he got so “excited” that he decided to take the sandwich to an enclosed bathroom stall where he proceeded to have “carnal relations” with the food item. Ryan had sex with his Big Mac and the meat grease burned his meat.

Ryan filed suit with the company, citing “gross negligence” for selling a sando that was “too hot to handle” much like the coffee burn victim did many years ago. Damages were awarded to the tune of $2 million dollars and a new disclaimer to be posted on the side of every McDonald’s sandwich wrapper:

“Surgeon General Warning: Sandwich not meant for external application. For internal use only.”

Congratulations, Mr. Deerfield, on being awarded for the disgusting act of sando rape. You are a despicable, deplorable human being. It behooves you to chip off the Observer some of that Big Mac love money, bud. Come on. Hook us up!