Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

Foolhardy Fargo Men Try Operating A Powerful Magnetron Outside Its Protective Shielding

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These curious men forgot to protect their family jewels from a very powerful magnetron.

Fargo, ND – Some curious Fargo men broke one of the basic Cardinal Rules of Physics: Never mess with an unshielded magnetron especially while not protecting your private parts.

“Just because you can take a microwave apart does not mean it is advisable to do so,” says Dr. Grant Moen of the Institute For Higher Learning.

Among the many things you can encounter by dismantling a microwave oven are 1. testicular ionization from electro-magnetic radiation and 2. structural isomerism from powerful micro-wavelength waves causing irreversible personal cell deformation.

The three men in question are now resting comfortably in their hospital beds while frequently hitting the morphine button to mitigate the magnetronical pain they have been experiencing since their ill-advised experimentations.

Moral of the Story: Always have protective shielding on, when messing with a microwave’s magnetron.

Ironically, Grant Moen’s molecules can all be re-arranged to spell: Magnetron!

North Dakota First State To Make Church Attendance Mandatory

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Sunday church attendance is now mandatory in North Dakota just like Obamacare made buying health insurance mandatory.

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota legislature has now made attending church on Sunday required by law.

The bill which passed unanimously will also give a 10% tithe from each church’s offering plates to the state as a thank you kickback for requiring every North Dakota citizen to attend church each and every week.

“We believe this is what the people who sent us here want, and also what God wanted when she said ‘Thou shalt attend church on Sunday’ in that famous speech on the mountain,” says Lester Walstrum from Zap, who co-sponsored the landmark legislation.

This new law goes into effect today so if you’re a North Dakota resident, you might want to change your plans of going fishing or having family breakfast at Denny’s until after you’ve done your due diligence and attended church and also put your voluntary mandatory offering in the offering plate, so help you God.

Amsterdam Douglass Donates Priceless Painting For Global Cooling Fundraiser

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True Blue Sky by famous local artist Amsterdam Douglass (minimum bid is $500,000)

West Fargo, ND – To get things kicked off for our Annual Global Cooling Silent Auction Fundraiser, local artist Amsterdam Douglass has graciously donated his amazing work called True Blue Sky.

Amsterdam Douglass: “Even tho it’s worth a lot more, we’re setting the minimum bid on this painting at an even $500,000 since fighting Global Cooling is such an impotent cause.”

If you would like to donate a work of art for this fundraiser, please contact Comrade Perkins. Kindly include your name, your highest level of education, and your suggested minimum bid.

If you would like to bid on any of these valuable works of art in the name of Global Cooling, bring a lot of cash and enjoy the music from The Sounds Of Silence during this very silent auction.

Military Developing Pink Night Vision Just For Female Fighters

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Pink is the new Green.

Pink, Oklahoma – The U.S. Military working in conjunction with the color pink has come up with new pink night-vision goggles for its female fighting force.

The traditional green phosphor night-vision was designed for males whose eyes are more sensitive to the green color pallet.

But Dr. Ivon Pinski who heads up Project Pink says the female eye is most sensitive to fifty shades of pink.

Dr. Pinski: “Ya, we pink this will really help our female combat warriors during night-time missions. Plus it shows we care about all pink causes without having to wear a pink ribbon on their already pink camouflage fatigues.”

Coincidentally, all the letters in Ivon Pinski can be re-arranged into: Pink Vision!

Moorhead Names Itself The Most Scenic City In The Moorhead Area

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One of the many scenic viewscapes in and around the lesser Moorhead area.

Moorhead, MN – The city that was originally named after Captain Ralph Moorhead (who opened Ralph’s Corner Bar which Moorhead subsequently tore down) is proud to announce that it has named itself the most scenic city in the Moorhead area.

Some of the fascinating viewscapes in Moorhead almost take your breath away as if you’ve just had a sudden scare by re-watching the Blair Witch Project.

In fact, the Blair Witch Project is planning on using Moorhead as a backdrop for an upcoming Blair Witch sequel in which the entire population of Moorhead gradually disappears one by one as the city grows chronically dark.

Groups Of Homeless Living In Trees East Of Glyndon

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Each homeless group elects their own mayor.

Glyndon, MN – Even though you perhaps cannot see them from Highway 10 as you’re driving to/fro Detroit Lakes, they can certainly see you driving by.

Many of the groups of trees visible from Highway 10 just East of Glyndon, Minisoda now house numerous groups of homeless people living in hammocks and cleverly designed lean-to shelters.

By mastering most of the survival techniques in the U.S. Army Survival Manual, these groups of homeless folks are “doing quite well for themselves,” so says Dr. Helbert Tessler who has been studying people who live in shelter belts as part of his doctoral thesis for the past 20 years.

Dr. Tessler: “What these survivalists are doing today is not dissimilar to what the original pioneers did back in the 18th century.”

Ironically, Helbert Tessler can be rearranged into: Shelter Belters!

Rooftop Dancing Is The New Downtown Fargo Party Craze

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Paden & The Crofooters doing the dance that began the whole Rooftop Dancing Party Craze in Downtown Fargo!

Fargo, ND – As we all know, each and every new national craze usually starts as a spark in someone’s brain.

Well, the new craze is Rooftop Dancing and it began in renascent Downtown Fargo.

The idea came to Mr. Paden Crofoot after he had consumed multiple adult beverages during a brainstormy evening in Fargo’s hip downtown area.

Mr. Crofoot in his own words: “My idea was what if there were party people dancing at midnight on all the rooftops in downtown Fargo, and it was just like one big party?! Think of it as Fargo’s version of Dancing With The Stars!”

Ironically, all the letters in Paden Crofoot can carefully be re-arranged to also spell: Rooftop Dance!

Fargo Man Suing Hospital For Mistakenly Removing His Novanoid

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Now I gots to go thru life with no-vanoid.

Fargo, ND – After having his novanoid removed erroneously by a distracted surgeon, Donovan Ion is lawyering up to sioux the hospital.

The surgeon-at-fault admits he may have been sexting during the botched operation but veinly consoles by saying not having a novanoid taint the end of the world.

Since the hospital in question clearly lacks plausible deniability, Donovan Ion’s attorney is smelling money all the way to the bank while gathering evidence such as his client’s former novanoid.

Ironically, all the letters in Donovan Ion can be re-arranged to spell: No Novanoid!

May Is Take-Your-Pet-Water-Skiing Month

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Good times begin NOW!

Detroit Lakes, MN – With global warming moving into Minnesota lakes country, dogs and cats all across the region are excitedly anticipating hitting the water for some seriously fun water sports.

Your FM Observer is unofficially declaring that May is officially National Take-Your-Pet-Water-Skiing Month.

What puppy or kitten would not want to be dragged around a lake behind a boat to show the rest of the world that they have arrived?

Never mind the fact that the frigid water is only about 40 degrees because pets are warm-blooded meaning they were essentially designed for this type of activity.

Please send us photos of your proud pets showing off their lake-patrolling party prowess for a chance to win free a free meal at the brand new All-It-Can-Eat Pet Buffet House.

FMO’s ABCs For Living Happily Ever After

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Being happily married all comes down to following these 26 simple nuggets of wisdom.

West Fargo, ND – With wedding season just around the coroner, your FM Observer is offering free marriage counseling advice to those who seek to soon enter the gates of matrimonial blissful harmony.

FMO’s ABCs For A Happy Marriage!

Always admit you’re wrong even when you’re right. Be accountable especially when paying taxes to the IRS. Communicate constantly either with words or mental telepathy. Don’t try to change your spouse unless it is necessary. End all debates with a hug, a glass of wine, and a massage. Focus on making your self better than it was yesterday. Go for a fun run together in the morning if it’s not blizzarding. Have regular meetings with a Life Coach to discuss your goals. Invest in your marriage by giving yourselves nice big raises. Jot down any ideas that could translate into mega-wealth. Keep a list of everything you do together, with dates and comments. Learn how to agree to disagree, or vice versa. Master the art of small talk before moving on to any big talk. Never begin a sentence with the word ‘you’, or with profanity. Organize everything you own alphabetically into stackable boxes. Pray for longevity prior to each and every happy meal. Questions don’t always have answers that make sense. Recognize accomplishments with a handshake and milkshake. Spend money in hundreds while earning it in thousands. Touch more, argue less, is a way to decrease stress. Understand what is being said and unsaid by your spousemate. Visualize your marriage as a flower that needs daily watering. Write and hide anonymous little thank you notes to each other. X-Ray every box delivered to your home prior to opening. Your spousemate is your boss unless you get fired. Zoom out if zooming in is causing too many problems.