Category Archives: National

Amish Taking Applications For New ND Settlement

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Drive your very own Amish Cruiser.

Drive your very own Amish Cruiser.

Amishville, ND –  Have you been wishing for a simpler life? Looking to do some low-tech manual labor in a no-nonsense friendly rural setting?

The Amish Organization is opening a new settlement in North Dakota soon and is looking for some faithful new members to help grow the group.

Applicants simply need to send a humble picture of themselves along with a hand-written letter describing who they are, without ever using the words “I” and “me”.

Send your application information to Senior Elder Jakob Ammann who is most likely doing chores out at the new Amishville, North Dakota location.

New members who are invited to join are all group-baptized. They will then begin assigned humble chores, attend regular classes to learn Pennsylvania Dutch, and meet with Elders weekly to study Thee Ordnung (Amish Rules Of Order).

When ready to become full-fledged official members, there is the Feast Of The Elders.

This is a big celebration where all new members receive their Amish Membership Cards and learn the Secret Handshakes.

Then, Chief Elders declare Rumspringa, which is basically the one time everyone gets extremely drunk on potent Amish Rum. New members are encouraged to find a mate and engage in Rumspringa during this festive time.

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All new members receive a free cabin.

The following morning, new barns and cabins are quickly built and furniture making kicks into high gear by young and old alike.

Warning to new member-applicants: Any violations of the Amish Ordnung can potentially result in either (1.) being shunned by the community, or (2.) formal ex-communication from the entire settlement.

The most common reason for members being ex-communicated is unauthorized Rumspringa. If you’re lucky, you will only be shunned for a month.

Critics Argue Federal Prisons Too Comfortable

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New federal prison cells said to be too comfortable.

Federal prison cells said to be too comfortable.

Fedhaven, FL – The Federal Bureau of Prisons is under fire for making some of their newest prisons “too comfortable”. A few congressional critics are wondering how the so-called “country club prisons” have started to look more like five-star hotel rooms?

These white-collar Federal Correction Institutions (also sometimes referred to as Club Fed) have housed such infamous convicted criminals as Martha Stewart and Bernie Madoff. In fact, some believe that Martha Stewart is the person most responsible for sparking the tasteful changes that we see today.

Some of the prison cells being criticized have king-sized beds and private on-suite deluxe bathrooms. The Bureau of Prisons defends their actions by stating that their prime directive is to provide guests with safe and humane housing that reflects their core values which are: correctional excellence, respect, and integrity.

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Youngsters Drinking Coffee A Disturbing New Trend

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Maybe your kids are drinking coffee!

Maybe your kids are drinking coffee!

Fargo, ND – In what many parents are seeing as a disturbing new trend, a growing number of very young children are drinking cups of coffee to get that “high school” feeling.

Fargo police have been secretly watching children as young as kindergartners and first graders going into an unsuspecting Walmart store and buying a Mr. Coffee machine.

Some undercover police officers have actually reported watching “small groups of little kids congregate in garages while the parents are gone and hosting wild coffee drinking parties”.

If your young children are acting strange, carefully watch for signs of coffee usage.

Please report any of these tell-tail signs immediately to the police: missing coffee, hyperactivity, dilated pupils, excessive talking, coffee-stained teeth, Mr. Coffee machines, or used coffee filters and coffee cups in the garage.

James Cameron Postpones Avatar 2 Production To Find Missing Plane

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Ready to penetrate the Indian?

Ready to penetrate?

Hollywood, CA—Legendary Hollywood film producer and deep-sea-pod diver James Cameron has waited. He’s sat idly by while these so-called “professionals” attempt to retrieve the remains of Malaysian Airlines flight 370 from the depths of the Indian Ocean. He has tried to be patient, but the tension has proven to be too great.  

“It pains me to witness amateurs stabbing their equipment through the heart of our planet’s salty waters, sifting blindly through The Abyss, rated PG-13,” said Cameron. “I’ve waited long enough. Now I must plunge my pod deep into the bowels of the Indian Ocean. I must spelunk the darkest depths. I will locate MH370.”

Cameron is of course referring to his Deepsea Challenger, a deep sea submersible in which he has reached oceanic depths of up to five miles. Whether Cameron is truly physically prepared to jam his pod into The Abyss at this time is unknown. All we do know is someone needs to find that plane, for Pete’s sake.

Fargo Mom Thought Marijuana Legalization Would Have Destroyed Colorado By Now

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Stop lying to us, Obama.

Stop lying to us, Obama!

Fargo,ND−Area mother Cynthia Lincoln-Baxter finds herself utterly perplexed at the fact that Colorado hasn’t devolved into an absolute wasteland full of crime, poverty and despair since the state’s decriminalization of marijuana last year.

“With pots as dangerous as they are I just don’t understand how cities like Denver haven’t succumbed to all the pots-fueled crime,” hissed Lincoln-Baxter, in between bites of string cheese that she wasn’t even taking apart—just chomping into it like some kind of rage-fueled monster. “Especially if you consider the proven notion that pots leads to heroin addiction. That alone should have killed off half the city’s population by now,” she said.

Lincoln-Baxter also seemed visibly distraught at the media’s lack of pot-related crime coverage. “Why hasn’t Brian Williams been telling us about the pot suicides and driving while high deaths?” she asked, quizzically. “Obama is blocking these reports!! I’ve been reading the Denver Post and not ONE mention of pot suicide or pot driving deaths like I know there has been.”

If you’ve seen any legitimate reports of “pot suicides” or “pot-induced coma” or “pot driving deaths” or “pot riots” or “pots murder” or “bong-related assaults” or “pot-fueled domestic disputes” or “pot on pot crime”, please, let us know in the comment section.

Donatella Versace Shares Her Beauty Secrets

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Donatella Versace shares her beauty secrets.

The one and only Donatella Versace

Hollywood, CA – The FM Observer’s Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, caught up with the most beautiful Donatella Versace for a fun and informative interview. Enjoy!

Tojo Saxton: Thanks for getting together! How have you been?

Donatella Versace: Oh, me be so busy…sooo busy!

TS: Oh? What have you been so busy doing, Donatella? Wanna tell us?

DV: Yes! Me be working on new line of beauty products that make people look reeeal nice, you know?

TS: Well, honey, you should know! Many consider you to be one of the most beautiful women on Earth. In fact, some think you’re so hot that you’re the cause of Global Warming!

DV: Oh, no. But you sooo nice. Thank you. (chuckle chuckle)

TS: Do you have any beauty tips that you would care to share with all ten of the people who will read this wonderful interview?

DV: Well, plenty of sleep is very important, especially if you tired. Me eat lots of Outshine Fruit Bars and only drink Angry Orchard Crisp Apple Ciders.

TS: All of a sudden, I feel like we’re in the movie The Truman Show.

DV: Oh, no, me don’t know about that.

TS: So, Donatella Versace, my readers will never forgive me if I don’t ask you this one question: Have you ever had any work done by any plastic surgeons?

DV: No. Nothing ever done by any plastic sturgeons, but me has gone to see my beauty doctors.

TS: And would you say that your “beauty doctors” have helped you become as beautiful as you are today?

DV: Oh, yes! Me used to not be so beautiful and they tell Donatella they can make me look sooo much more beautiful.

TS: Well, it certainly has paid off for you. And hopefully this interview with the one and only Donatella Versace will pay off for me. Thank you sooo much for sitting down face-to-face to answer a few questions.

DV: Oh, this is not a problem. Donatella love sharing her beauty tips for your website. What is your website again?

TS: I write for the FM Observer.

DV: Oh, no, Donatella never heard of that one.

Read Tojo Saxton’s hard-hitting interview with Tom Cruise about Scientology being a hoax!

Texas Governor To Pardon One Thousandth Death Row Execution

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Electric Chair-M

Smile, you’re being pardoned!!

Austin, TX—Last year, Texas became the first state to murder 500 death row inmates since the US Supreme Court reinstated capital punishment in 1976. The death row frontrunner has disposed of nearly five times as many criminals as Virginia, the second state on the list.

Since hitting that epic milestone, the red state’s lawmakers decided to get a little inventive with Mr. 1000. In an effort to draw some positive publicity to capital punishment, they’ve officially declared a pardon for the thousandth death row inmate.

Texas Governor Rick Perry, in a special announcement from the State Capitol: “Our thousandth violent offender, that little varmint, once he or she gets sentenced to death row we’ll mark it down and when their day finally comes, that lucky duck will receive a formal pardon just minutes before they get sizzled to death.”

When questioned whether this was cruel and unusual punishment, Perry stated “Naw, jack, we’re makin’ em sit on death row ‘n think real long ‘n hard about why they’re there. Then, after they march down Execution Hall ‘n plop down in that there chair with the wires ‘n junk, we’ll break the good news to ’em ‘n throw ’em a little hoedown with balloons ‘n whatnot.”

Governor Perry added that they’re “Fixin’ to hang a buttload of varmints” in the coming years and that death row’s one thousandth customer “Will be in for the ride of his god damned life.”

Titanfall

Respawn Lays Out It’s Future With Titanfall

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TitanfallIn a recent post, Steve Fukuda discussed the developer’s point of view to supporting the future of Titanfall and offered some insight as to what to expect.

Some of these is the promise of ultimate transparency.  They stated they want to let its fans know exactly what to expect.

“We tend the garden and keep the weeds out,” Fukuda posted.

What he actually means is that the current employees (former infinity ward employees) will be required to update the game with the most minimal changes possible.

“Yes.  Our 10 year future of Titanfall releases looks fantastic.  We have made one game now.  Now all we need is a sequel with some added gameplay and you’ve got yourself a series! Once the second game is released, it’s hookers, blow, and suitcases full of quaaludes for the following nine years.”

“Any new and exciting ideas for future releases?”

“Yes of course! By game two we have many scenes created.  We can now just take those same scenes, add some new textures, and create new scenes from those in no time flat.  That means tons of new scenes and textures for our fans.  We will also think about adding titan customization features.  Those will require in-game micro purchases, of course. Lastly, we will just literally try and do the least amount of work possible on future releases so we can continue to sell you the same game for the next 9 years.  We call it “The Call of Duty Format. DLC content will be available for a fee on day one as well.”

The developers got the last word and here is what they stated.

“We think you will love the Titanfall series and hope to see you continue buying the same game every year for the next nine years. We love your delicious tears……..but we love your money even more.”

 

**Job Opening – Grammar Police**

Please leave any grammar mistakes you may find in this article in the comments section below.  Thanks!  Your work is much appreciated!

Tear Duct Implants Gaining Popularity in Washington

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Tears beginning to flow in Washington.

Washington, D.C. – A new cosmetic surgery trend is sweeping the nation’s capital. Tear duct implants, also known as “Sad Sacs”, are becoming increasingly popular among politicians whose inability to connect with their constituents has left them with few other options. The implants, which are surgically inserted into the lower eyelid, draw liquid from the body and store it in small sacs. The liquid can then be released on cue by activating the “Cry Button”, a wireless device that is carried by the user.

According to Dr. Hope Leslie, M.D., “Getting misty-eyed is something that happens naturally for most of us when we feel strong emotions. The problem for the majority of elected officials is that they are complete sociopaths, utterly incapable of human empathy. This leaves them at a real disadvantage when it comes to relating to others. Sad Sacs give these politicians the ability to at least appear like they can understand someone else’s suffering. Quite honestly, it’s the closest thing to compassion we’re ever going to see in Washington.”

“I just plain do not care about people, and that’s been a challenge for my campaign,” admitted one Senator who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, I’ve literally laughed in some of my voters’ faces when they’ve told me how hard their lives are. Now I can turn on the waterworks and by God, it seems like I actually give a damn. These Sad Sacs are just unbelievable.”

Despite their effectiveness, developers admit there are still a few glitches with the implants. “Generally, the problems have been behavior-related,” explained Dr. Leslie. “Things like Congressmen pumping their Cry Buttons too fast in order to squirt others in the face, or the Vice President stealing the Speaker’s wireless device. We’re looking at requiring some maturity training classes, and beefing up security features. All in all, though, demand for the procedure is through the roof. We’re confident that, at least on Capitol Hill, Sad Sacs are here to stay.”

Expiring Windows XP Causes Widespread Computer Suicide

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The last thing the XP user sees before their computer melts their face (kind of like what happened when they opened the ark in that Indiana Jones movie. Wasn’t that fucked up?!)

This is this decade’s Y2K.

 

Redmond, WA—They warned us. They tried to tell us. “We are discontinuing support for Windows XP,” Microsoft said. But did we listen? NOPE. We held onto those old XP computers in hopes that they wouldn’t go completely nuclear on April 8th. Little did we know, this expiring operating system would trigger the End of Days.

PC LOAD LETTER ! !

PC LOAD LETTER ! !

XP owners were led to believe that their trusty old operating system would simply stop doing updates and become a little more vulnerable to cyberattacks. Boy were they wrong. Computers have been blowing up in people’s faces since Microsoft cut the cord at midnight last night. Smoke…fire…the constant smell of death…it is all around us now. Bodies are piling up as Death By Computational Combustion claims the lives of millions of unsuspecting users.

The Observer has learned that any attempt to utilize an XP computer results in the aforementioned (pictured above) error message, directly followed by a fiery complosion.  🙁

Are you or any of your loved ones affected by the XP Meltdown? If so, and if the explosion hasn’t sizzled most of your face, call Microsoft at 1-800-MICROSOFT. They have operators standing by to assist with massive head trauma sustained by heavy compusplosive blowback.