Tag Archives: gun control

Russian Roulette Club (Once Again) Seeking One New Member

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Chances are nothing bad will happen.

Moscow, Idaho – A Russian Roulette Club is actively seeking one new member to fill the vacant seat of a former member who suffered a mishap.

“In any game of chance you have your ups and downs, and unfortunately for our previous club member, he experienced one of the downs,” says this Russian Roulette Club’s president Sonny Moua.

Sonny continues: “Bad things periodically happen but at this point, we just pick up the pieces and move on. It’s just the nature of the beast.”

If you’re looking for a fun time, and want to hang out with people who like to live on the edge, perhaps consider joining a Russian Roulette Club.

Just by chance, all the letters in Sonny Moua can be spun around to spell: Anonymous!

Pandemic Social Distancing, North Dakota Style

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Do like the Lone Ranger did: Don’t get within gunshot distance of anyone!

Medora, ND – Serious times require serious measures, which is why North Dakotans are being asked to stay as far away from each other as possible.

How far is considered safe?

Well, the definition of a plain is one tree per square mile, and this is a good guide for ideal social distancing in North Dakota during pandemically trying times.

Take a lesson from the Lone Ranger, who never contracted any social diseases during his entire career as the Lone Ranger.

Legend has it that the Lone Ranger never got within a mile of anyone, except when he was going out on a date, when he allowed himself to get within shouting distance of the lady.

This would also explain why the Lone Ranger never had any children.

Harambe’s Family To Sue Zoo Who Blew Him To Timbuktu

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Hey bro, don’t shoot me!

Cincinnati, OH – Family members of the recently murdered, captive, and endangered silverback named Harambe (pronounced Harambe) have lawyered up and plan to sue the zoo where Harambe was shot while assisting a young, overly-curious boy who unexpectedly decided to drop in for a visit.

As we all know, the name Harambe means Working Together For Freedom. What’s left of Harambe’s grieving family has decided to work together and is now filing a hefty $100 million wrongful death lawsuit against the Cincinnati Zoo.

Along with wives Chewie and Mara, and sisters Asha and Gladys, the family’s matriarchs M’Linzi and Samantha successfully convinced Jomo, the one remaining male silverback at the zoo, to contact an attorney who specializes in wrongful death zoo murders.

Harambe’s family’s attorney’s initial public statement: Harambe’s life mattered, mmkay? Harambe was very loved by his family here at the Cincinnati Zoo and they miss Harambe very very much. For Harambe to get gunned down in broad daylight just one day after his 17th birthday is just too much for his family to handle, and understandably so. We will be seeking reasonably large punitive damages, along with major distress payments, and the obvious undue hardship remunerations for the remaining women and children, who grieve Harambe’s death every single sad day, without Harambe in their captive lives, here at the incarcerational Cincinnati Zoo.

Crazed Gun Owners Planning Government Takeover Defense Strategy

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We must protect this house!

We must protect this house!

Birmingham, AL – Deranged gun zealots across the nation are banding together in a show of defiance over the Obama administration’s looming gun law initiatives. A gun guy in Alabama is leading the charge by launching a web forum where concerned gun owners can go to congregate.

Bronk Chinters of Birmingham, Alabama has started the Protect This House coalition via his website www.protect-this-house.org.

It stands to serve as a virtual message board that concerned gun owners can use to brainstorm and share strategies on how to best defend against a governmental takeover. Mr. Chinters:

“We fear that the Obama administration is poised to use executive order to outlaw our high-powered weapons. If we don’t take action on this before it’s too late, the National Guard will proceed upon us with enough force to steal our guns and create a totalitarian state. I don’t know about you, but I sure as shit couldn’t take down a tank with a semi-automatic pea shooter. Gonna need my assault weapons and a gameplan in order to defend against such an action.”

Guns don't kill people...

Guns don’t kill people…

Chinters went on to say that he and his “unit leaders” are developing “lock and load” strategies on the website that, in the event of a government takeover, could be used to organize and establish various “defense hubs” around the nation.

What would these defense hubs do, if so provoked? Preliminary strategy indicates they would suit up with riot gear, barricade themselves in a fortress and point their assault rifles at the government until the government sees that giant collection of guns and decides to retreat. Or something like that. Their strategies do not dictate a means to an end.

Protect This House seems convinced that they could take action against the United States government if they had to, but neither the coalition nor any other crazed gun owner has been able to establish a plausible exit strategy for their defense movement.

Gun owners who wish to participate in the effort can visit www.protect-this-house.org for more information. However, in the event that such a website did not exist, it would be every man for himself if the government did decide to completely ruin itself and the country via a hostile takeover.

Local cops prepared in case Obama takes guns

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Domination

Domination

Fargo, ND – Police departments across our F-M area are taking initiative in case Obama uses executive order to “control” the nation’s guns. Local law enforcement agencies are preparing their officers for hand-to-hand perp wrangling if such a drastic measure would, in fact, completely outlaw and remove all guns from the national landscape.

Cops are stepping up their self-defense skills as well as their ability to out-wit and out-muscle dangerous perps.

Officer-in-training Danny Rudd:

“I’ve been watching every James Bond movie on repeat to get real familiar with kickin’ perps’ asses without a gun. The wife has been letting me practice my throat-chop technique on her. Pretty useful.”

Lieutenant Carl Mitchum:

“Perps are dangerous, sure, but they are also dumb. You can pick up any Tom Clancy novel where he writes about war stealth. Stealth is the number one weapon of a Navy SEAL so we will apply it to everyday perp-wrangling. When it’s time to arrest the perp, he will never see it coming!”

Patrolman Roger Hallsworth:

“I cannot wait for my first perp chase ‘n beat. I’ve been running stairs like Rocky, juicing up for the next criminal. Those knuckleheads don’t stand a chance.”

Departments are also handing out Human Growth Hormone supplements and other performance-enhancing drugs in an effort to give their officers the upper-hand. This doesn’t bode well for criminals in the Fargo-Moorhead area as the officers around here are becoming more dangerous and efficient than ever before.