Tag Archives: NDSU

Time Traveler To Speak In Fargo 14 Months Ago

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Who am I?

What year is it?

Fargo, ND – Time traveler Vern Milton will be giving a talk on time travel on Wednesday, November 21, 2012. This informal gathering in the NDSU Student Union lounge will be Vern’s personal thoughts on what it’s like to be a bona fide time traveler. His must-hear lecture will then be followed by an extensive Question & Answer period. Free hot coffee and powdered donuts will be served by the Physics Department.

If you have any questions for Mr. Milton about time travel, please be sure to jot them down and attend this special happening. Vern said that he did the same event, at the same venue, back in 1956 and 1975 where he had good exchanges of thoughts on this subject with some very interested students from the region. He admitted: “The people I spoke with in 1975 were quite a bit more open-minded about time traveling than back in ’56.”

Since he has seen it all before, here are some of the questions Vern answered back during his previous visits to Fargo:

Q: Being a time traveler, do you have any words of wisdom for us?
A: Yes. If you have something you need to get done, don’t wait until tomorrow to do it.

Q: Are you married, and if so, how does your wife feel about all this?
A: Well, I’ve gotten married a number of times…all to the same woman. She always seems happy to see me again.

Q: Do you have any control over your time travel?
A: About as much control as you do over the stock market.

Q: Can you tell us anything about the future?
A: No, not much, because that might alter the future. But I can tell you that North Dakota continues to do very well!

North Dakota State University Bison

Whole Lot of Boner At The Summit League Women’s Golf Championship

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North Dakota State University BisonKELLER, Texas  – The first round of the Summit League women’s championship took place on Monday.

North Dakota State University had four golfers finish in the top ten.  Senior Amy Anderson and freshman Hailey Boner are tied for second place.  They both managed to shoot a 76.

Currently there is a three-way tie for second place with Anderson and Boner while Knutson is part of a three-way tie for fifth place.

Women’s second round play is scheduled to begin at 8 a.m. Tuesday, April 23, and the final round is slated for a 10:15 a.m. start Wednesday, April 24.

Expect to see Boner awake and ready for action bright and early Tuesday morning.  I would expect to see an even more erect and pumped Boner during the final round Wednesday, April 24th.

Boner has nothing to lose.  Boner must get the swing down if she is going to impress her competitors.  Boner should expect to put fear into her opponents by the power and accuracy of her swing.

If Boner’s swing is strong and accurate, it may just intimidate her opponents enough to forfeit.  If Boner is tired and feeling limpy then it may be a long day of golf as her competitors look to pull ahead of her.

If Boner is looking to win, Boner must not forget to wash her balls.  Boner does not want her balls dirty if she is to put them in multiple holes throughout the competition.

We are really rooting for Boner and we wish her the best.  Keep that swing strong Boner!

Valley News Live Coverage Of Sitting Buses Leaves Anchors Struggling To Fill Time

Valley News Live Coverage Of Sitting Buses Leaves Anchors Struggling To Fill Time

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Fargo, ND – After the NDSU Bison football team slaughtered Sam Houston State University, they made their way back to good ol’ Fargo, North Dakota.  Good for them, not so good for the news anchors who had to sit there and fill time on live television.

I understand.  I couldn’t sit there with a straight face while only being given video shots of empty parked buses.  I’d totally bomb as well as everyone else in the country.  After watching this, I’m almost positive they went home, crawled under the kitchen table, and cried themselves to sleep vowing never to get into that situation again.  But, with all that said, there is nothing better then seeing news anchors squirm to fill time.  The unfortunate news anchors, Audrey Dahlgren and Amy Unrau, deserve some drinks and dinner for the hell they had to endure.

 

NDSU Bison scared Sam Houston

Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison

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NDSUBisonPM1

Bison-itis

Huntsville, TX – The Sam Houston BearKat football players are not sleeping well these days. After their nationally televised 39-13 humiliation by the North Dakota State University Bison, many of their squad members are reporting being haunted by recurring bad dreams. These nightly nightmares involve being chased by a large group of angry, stampeding bison.

Losing two consecutive national championships to the same team is apparently taking its toll. It’s now being referred to as “Bisonitis”.

The Sam Houston University school nurse says she’s never seen anything like it. “These boys are really messed up” says Nurse Ratchit.

Some of the players, who wished to maintain total anonymity, expressed their desire to never have to play the Bison again. One player said: “Just imagine, having a recurring dream about being stampeded, by a herd of angry buffalo.” The girlfriend of another player sadly confided: “My boyfriend, who plays on the BearKat football team, is no longer the same person that he used to be before their big loss.”

And it’s not just the football players that are affected, but also the coaches, some university teachers, and the general SHU student body. The head of the psychology department thinks they might need to bus in counselors to their campus that have special training in sports-related mental trauma.

Bison VS Sam Houston State FCS Championship

Thousands of NDSU Fans Lost In Frisco Texas

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Bison VS Sam Houston State FCS ChampionshipFargo, ND – On the horizon lays North Dakota State’s attempt at an FCS championship three-peat.

Thousands of Bison fans have flocked to Frisco Texas the past few days via trains, plains, automobiles, boats, snowmobiles, 4 wheelers, bus, and fighter jets.  But, there is one thing someone forgot to bring: directions.

All bison fans who have already arrived have been roaming the streets of Frisco, Texas completely lost and confused.

Our reporter on scene stated, “The streets of Frisco are complete madness right now!  People covered in Bison gear head-to-toe are wandering and stumbling around the entire town.  They appear to be drunk and asking anyone they can where the game is.  Some have been seen running with their shirts off yelling that it’s so hot out.”

Apparently nobody remembered to bring directions and they are too drunk by this point to either look them up on their phone or find a computer.

Our reporter reached an NDSU fan for comment, “Ohh  oh yeah!  Bissson baby!  Hey, yeah hey you, you know where, where the game is even at?  Because I, I don’t, don’t know.  Would you like a beer?”  He then continued to stumble around looking for the “stadium.”

Our reporter did indeed give a couple sober fans directions so you can rest assured the stadium will be filled with green and gold tomorrow.

So, when you’re watching the game tomorrow, thank the FM Observer for getting all our fans there.

What Year Is It? Is That The NDSU Bison Football Team On TV?

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Fargo, ND – Another weekend of NDSU football is here.  People all over the Fargo-Moorhead area are hunkering down in their warm homes to watch the NDSU Bison try and win another football game.

So here you are.  You probably got two pounds of chili to tear through, five varieties of chip dips to eat, and other things cooking on the grill.  Your friends are all over, mom and dad stopped by, hell even grandma and grandpa came back down from heaven to watch the game with you.  Everything is looking like it’s going to be a great day to watch Bison football.  That is, until you turn on the television.  You look over to see grandma squinting at the television as she asks, “Is that bull riding on the television?  I can’t…..really……..see anything.”

“Are we about to play Tecmo Bowl?” my brother asks.

It is then you realize that you are staring straight into the year 1990.  Did you slip into a vortex and time travel back to 1990?  Likely not.  The broadcast is being beamed to you in standard definition and there is not a damn thing you can do about it.  Now instead of sitting around the room with your legs sprawled out and nacho cheese on your pregnant looking belly, everyone in the room has to huddle in front of the television to see what is actually going on.  Goodbye eyes.  Didn’t need you anyways.

Maybe next time you should just just show up at the dome and demand to be let in.  State that you are the Bison Thunder God and are here to bring happiness, joy, and pixels for everyone.  Or, drive on over to the head office at NDSU and hand them your bill from the eye doctor.

 

Amanda Smock Having A Hard Time Finding A Job After Recent News Coverage

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Fargo, ND – Former North Dakota State University Amanda Smock won the triple jump at the U.S. Olympic Trials last Monday, June 25th.

This great achievement has produced North Dakota State’s first United States Olympic track and field athlete.  However, it hasn’t all been good news.

Since all the recent news coverage last week, Amanda Smock has stated that she has had a very hard time landing a job.  Her recent pictures plastered all over the internet have fooled potential employers into thinking that she may not all be right in the head.  She could possibly have a mental disorder or brain damage and unable to fulfill all required job requirements.

One employer, after seeing Amanda’s job application, searched the internet to creep and get some dirt on her.  What he found were pictures of her running such as the ones below.

amanda smock

“After seeing these I said to myself, there is no way this women can fulfill all the job requirements.  Not with that face.  Nope.  No way.  Something isn’t right there” the employer stated.

Another employer saw her job application as well and did as the previous creepy employer did, searched the internet.  He unfortunately found the picture below.

Amanda Smock Funny Face

Amanda Smock posing for the camera.

Immediately after seeing the picture above he threw her application into the garbage.  “There is no way I can hire a women who looks to be shitting themselves while running.  It just isn’t going to work.  Not gonna happen” the other employer stated.

We wish Amanda Smock the best of luck at the Olympics.  After a win there, hopefully future potential employers will disregard her pictures on the internet and consider hiring her.

 

fargo_swat_bust_college

Cops Leave Hostage Situation To Bust NDSU College Party.

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Fargo, ND – At around 12 a.m. Saturday evening, police were called to a home on N Broadway Dr & 20th Ave N with reports of a hostage situation.  Police arrived on scene to find a man holding his girlfriend hostage inside the house.  He had a gun and a steak knife to her throat threatening to kill her and the police.  For a whole 5 minutes, police tried to talk to the man calmly and to let the women go.

10 minutes later and without success, a report came in about a NDSU college party a few blocks away.  Considering the college party was a much more serious threat, police left the hostage situation and surrounded the young partying men and women with guns drawn.

Those arrested face charges including unlawful assembly, disorderly conduct, and inciting a riot, cops said.  One partier was shot dead while trying to enter a taxi cab to leave.

No word on what happened to the man holding his girlfriend hostage but it is being reported that the women has been missing now for a few weeks.  Nobody knows what could have happened to her.  The boyfriend simply says, “I don’t know.”