Winter Holiday Greetings From Your FM Observer

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For all you Protestants, protest signs like this can be made at Acme dot com slash Chumaker

Southern North Pole – Since saying Merry Christmas is possibly offensive to some, we here at the FM Observer Headquarters want to wish all our faithful readers very warm Winter Holiday greetings, to hopefully help counteract the recent Global Cooling which seems to have overtaken our area thanks to carbon-taxing Algore.

The FM Observer was boldly begun about six years ago by co-founders Cody and Nick, who simply wanted to provide an alternative to all the bad, real news. Cody is sadly no longer with us. Nick is related to Jolly Old St. Nick, who happens to be our Nick’s God-Santa.

After six long years of being at the vanguard of exclusively satirical fake news, we have unfortunately (for some) decided to renew our contract for another six years.

So, for any folks who wished we would just go away like Al Franken is from the Senate…no, we are here to stay – just like Robert Mueller’s never-ending special investigation into possible collusion with the Russians.

Acme.com/Chumaker

Moorhead Man Who Claims To Be The Real Santa Detained For Questioning

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There is a real Santa, and he’s being detained for questioning in Moorhead until after Christmas.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities in the quirky town of Moorhead have detained a man claiming to be the real Santa.

Investigators have a plan to hold the Santa Man until after Christmas to prove that either he is an impostor, or that he is indeed the real Santa, in which case millions of children throughout the world will not receive any presents for Christmas.

In the meantime, the Santa Man has requested some eggnog and cookies to help keep his spirits up, and some hay and salt blocks for his team of nine reindeer.

If you and your children would like to come and visit the Santa Man in jail to request presents for Christmas and possibly pet Rudolph and his friends in a temporary petting zoo, simply contact the Moorhead authorities who are detaining the real Santa and who are possibly going to ruin Christmas for everyone on Santa’s Nice List. 

Cigar-Shaped Alien Spacecraft Actually A Large French Bread Heading For Fargo

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Mr. Hankey believes this is indeed an alien spacecraft based on the fact that it actually has functional headlights.

Oumuamua, Hawaii – The FM Observer is proudly excited to exclusively report that we have just received confirmation from Mr. Hankey that the large meteor which is on a collision course with Fargo, North Dakota is actually an alien spacecraft disguised as a giant French bread even though CNN has been referring to it as one of Bill Clinton’s wayward cigars.

Mr. Hankey in his own words: “By using special equipment at our FM Observatory on Hawaii, we have noticed that the alien French bread not only has headlights, but they are actually turned on, and aiming directly at Fargo, North Dakota.”

“Not only that, but we have also picked up radio waves from this French bread which seem to be continually broadcasting Rush Limbaugh’s theme song, intermittently interrupted with a high-pitched voice asking for a secret meeting with Donald Trump and his son-in-law.”

Because of this new revelation, special counsel Robert Mueller now believes President Trump (with some assistance from Stephen Hawking) has been colluding with aliens, which are seemingly on a collision course with Fargo, North Dakota, whilst travelling at the speed of bread inside a large French-made spacecraft waiting to be lit like a Clintonian cigar.

Mall Santa Resigns After Multiple Accusations Of Groping

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Santa is asking his attorney: “Since when did groping become so politically incorrect?” Santa’s also wondering: “Why doesn’t anyone want to come near me?”

Fargo, ND – One of the real fake Santas at a well-known local Fargo shopping mall has resigned amid numerous accusations of groping any women within a “reasonable groping distance”.

Some disgusted mothers and dejected helper-elves have filed complaints to the North Pole that Santa has been groping some of these adult women during official mall photos, and even during some of Santa’s own selfies and elfies.

Renta Santa, the company from whence the mall allegedly hired this Santa, has denied any legal culpability but did say that this particular Santa had once been a Minnesota state senator who had left the arena of politics due to some “inappropriate sexual behavior”.

A linguistics expert that we consulted with said that the term “Mall” will soon no longer be politically correct because it is homonymistically so very similar to the word “Maul”.

Winter Snow Predictions Now Called ‘Flake News’

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Big Foot seen here walking streets of Fargo during recent blizzard.

Fargo, ND – National weather experts will now be referring to any and all snowfall predictions in the future as Flake News in order to keep up with the changing times and tweets.

The most recent example of Flake News for our particular area is that a half a foot (known as a SmallFoot, as opposed to BigFoot) of snow, accompanied by near-hurricane force winds, has been ordered by Algore to hit North Dakota to help keep out the Riff-Raff here.

Consider the FM Observer your Flake News headquarters as we have many meteorologists on our growing staff that not only like to study meteors but also love predicting snowfall forecasts especially when it comes in the form of horizontally-blowing blizzard snowflakes.

We here at the FM Observer would also like to encourage our readers to be proactive and get outside to do some Pre-Shoveling ahead of any major Flake News.

Prehistoric Rabbit Femur Located In West Fargo

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Prehistoric Gargantuan Arctic Hare femur adored by Beavis the beagle.

West Fargo, ND – What was once the territory of the Gargantuan Arctic Hare is now the coveted land of homebuyers and builders residing in points West. This truth was revealed to excavators during a foundation dig in what is now known as Eaglewood.

Homebuilders Cheirly and Grigg Milkshifter purchased land there with the intention to build. Little did they know what lied beneath tied their plot to the paleolithic era. The backhoe blade carved out a prized archaeological find: A five-foot long, 287-pound Gargantuan Arctic Hare femur that their dog Beavis is infatuated with.

The Milkshifters now know those prehistoric remnants remain. When confronted by the Archaeological Survey Society, or ASS as they are more commonly known, Grigg Milkshifter declared eminent domain over this now sacret plot of land.

“Those ASS people told me I had to leave here ‘n sell. I said nope sir we’re letting Beavis sniff around, see what he finds. ASS can shove it up their ass. Maybe he’ll dig up a giant squirrel pelvis next.”

So if you’re looking to settle down in the far western reaches of town, know that you’re disrupting what is likely a big wooly rabbit mass grave.

 

Trump Names Bali Volcano, Mt. Agung, As New Top Advisor

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Mt. Agung: nice ash!

Washington, D.C. – After losing a number of top advisors in recent weeks, President Trump filled one of the vacant slots with a highly unusual appointment today. Mt. Agung, the active volcano currently erupting in Bali, has been named as his newest high-ranking cabinet member.

“I have a wonderful, beautiful, special relationship with Mt. Agung. That volcano is really, really smart, it’s got amazing ideas, you’ve never heard ideas like these…the best…and it’s going to be a great thing for our country, America, which is a great country, but it could be better, but now it will be better, like way way better,” Trump exclaimed earlier today.

Asked what he was thinking by naming a volcano as a top advisor, President Trump said, “Mt. Agung is yuge and strong, like really strong, and really yuge. Plus it’s a volcano, which is amazing…it’s got the best eruptions in the world, the hottest lava, its ash is the best ash I’ve ever seen…everyone is going to love it, and I mean love it bigly.”

White House staffers had no comment, but insiders tell the FM Observer that they are “drinking heavily” and “mostly just praying”.

West Fargo Adding Seven New Robo-Cops To Its Police Force

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Expect to soon start seeing Robo-Cops like this bad boy in your neighborhood.

West Fargo, ND – To keep up with a growing demand for police presence, West Fargo has gotten the OK to add seven new Robo-Cops to its department.

Analysis of a recent survey showed that the City-On-The-Grow actually needed nine new officers but West Fargo’s Police Chief believes that seven new Robo-Cops should take care of their need to reshape the department in the right direction for the city’s future.

Even though each new Robo-Cop costs about $150-thousand dollars, a generous grant from the justice department will help with that cost.

The Robo-Cop Corporation points out that Robo-Cops can work one continuous 160-hour shift each week, needing only 8 hours for maintenance and to recharge.

West Fargo’s Police Chief also adds that these new Robo-Cops don’t have to be paid like their human counterparts, but he quickly added: “But don’t tell them that!”

Al Franken Dedicates New Center For Groping

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Al Franken’s Center For Groping will be a place where he can do his work.

St. Paul, MN – Yesterday Senator Al Franken proudly dedicated his new Center For Groping, which is conveniently located near the Minnesota State Fair grounds.

At the dedication ceremony, when asked about all the recent groping accusations, Senator Franken cleverly said: “Well, once a comedian, always a comedian. Hey, I was just joking around and having a little fun!”

The alleged groper went on to sincerely apologize to all the women that he has not yet groped, which was a nice segue into the official dedication ceremony for his new Center For Groping.

One Franken fan noted that since Senator Al Franken was a wrestler in high school at The Blake School, he has essentially gone from being a grappler to a groper.

Expensive Study Finds That Year 2100 Is Only About 82 Years Away

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Minnesota scientists have calculated that the Year 2100 will occur in about 82 years.

St. Paul, MN – A recently completed study for the state of Minnesota has made an astonishing discovery about the year 2100.

Minnesota scientists, working with NASA, have determined that the year 2100 in Earth Years is only about 82 years ahead of us in our communal future.

The Minnesota study was funded by a GoFundMe account which was created by Doctor Odem Fung who headed up this amazing study.

Dr. Fung in his own words: “Yes, we raised about $687 million via GoFundMe for this impotent study of which I am in charge.”

“We believe the results of the study will help Earthlings prepare for future concerns such as Global Cooling, the National Debt, Zika Virus, Male Gropers, and the Second Coming of Christ.”

Ironically, all the letters in Odem Fung can be re-arranged to spell: Go Fund Me!