Tag Archives: fight club

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Asked To Help Fight The Corona Virus

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Super heros to fight super virus!

Super heroes to fight super virus!

Atlanta, GA – The Trump Administration is wisely asking the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for assistance in fighting the Corona Virus War.

President Trump is personally calling upon the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Team to lead our country’s fight against the latest spreading viral threat.

“As this Corona Virus is really starting to go viral, it totally makes sense to have the team of Leo, Mikey, Raph, and Donnie be on the front lines to battle this sick Corona Virus because these Super Turtles have a natural immunity to the Corona Virus,” tweets the president.

The FM Observer has also learned that one possible option on the table is for those who have contracted the Corona Virus to be placed in comfortable Governmental Sick Camps where they can be cared for by the Turtle Team, while being completely quarantined safely away from the rest of society.

Weekly Listing Of Divorces In Cass County

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There are just as many reasons to get divorced as there are divorces.

Fargo, ND – It’s time once again to list the divorces going down in Cass County.

All of the following couples are uncoupling.

They have decided to part ways and go in different directions.

After some matrimonial restructuring, these former life partners will be relieved of their marital duties as they drop the terms “husband” and “wife” from their spousal relationships.

Here is this week’s listing of marriages that are being relocated to Splitsville:

Lori Aveline vs. Butch Barfneck
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: She didn’t take my last name.

Dorine Blavnok vs. Valim Blavnok
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Is Scientology a cult or religion?

Marta Blinkfire vs. Kolt Blinkfire
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Brussel Sprouts!

Jezza Borgwheezel vs. Olaph Borgwheezel
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Definition of “clean”.

Camelia Brandagamba vs. Vernius Brandagamba
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Impossible Impeachment Impasse.

Matilda Brockhouse vs. Cosimo Brockhouse
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My spouse laughs too loudly.

Pamphila Brownlock vs. Jago Brownlock
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My husband spends too much time in the basement.

Trixa Chertofski vs. Kinck Chertofski
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Weed gummy bears.

Robin Chubb vs. Xander Chubb
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My spouse won’t come out of the closet.

Zelda Chunkfest vs. Lester Chunkfest
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Sense of humor differences.

Gringa Clayhanger vs. Niles Clayhanger
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: The juggling of our finances.

Starla DePhilpott vs. Gifford DePhilpott
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Who wears the pants in our family?

Camelia Diggle vs. Uffo Diggle
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Smartphone distraction.

Zoelle Ergerjoint vs. Knute Ergerjoint
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Poor grammar (past participles)

Herkna Fimvest vs. Dorknel Fimvest
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Control of the remote controls.

Bertha Flokmesker vs. Angstoid Flokmesker
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Is the FMObserver real fake news?

Gerda Galbassi vs. Bucca Galbassi
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Global Warming vs Climate Change.

Lalia Gawkroger vs. Sancho Gawkroger
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My husband is losing his marbles!

Ingo Goldworthy vs. Bungo Goldworthy
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Quid pro snow.

Melila Headstrong vs. Eliot Headstrong
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Over-usage of our credit cards.

Lusha Inkshed vs. Joltan Inkshed
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Einstein’s theory of relatives.

Zhway Jongburg vs. Nyork Jongburg
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Different definition of decency.

Milava Konvalb vs. Bilavo Konvalb
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: The 5th Amendment.

Suzetta Lightfoot vs. Fulvus Lightfoot
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Multi-level furniture.

Thora McMolten vs. Judd McMolten
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Prayer breakfasts.

Moxie Nogbanks vs. Buster Nogbanks
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Turning our living room into a pistol range.

Psalm Olgschmacher vs. Wellington Olgschmacher
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Honda vs Hyundai.

Rhoda Puddifoot vs. Segol Puddifoot
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Selection of pizza toppings.

Astoria Quivelski vs. Cyprus Quivelski
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: She is possessed by the devil!

Dayja Rafferty vs. Conrad Rafferty
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Walls dividing every room.

Golden Rumble vs. Holman Rumble
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Number of condiments in the fridge.

Malva Sandyman vs. Filberto Sandyman
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My spouse is colluding with the Russians.

Pandora Smallburrow vs. Togo Smallburrow
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Peanuts envy.

Cameo Stafko vs. Francois Stafko
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Usage of South Park for home schooling.

Juna Tafanofleroid vs. Zix Tafanofleroid
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Excessive flatulence.

Delvina Trumpiano vs. Rectan Trumpiano
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Different levels of hoarding.

Mariposa Twofoot vs. Milo Twofoot
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Difference between work and play.

Jessalyn Ugersmacker vs. Jax Ugersmacker
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: NFL Pickem choices.

Julla VanDruBoaix vs. Betan VanDruBoaix
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Who should walk the dog?

Elna Vanpiper vs. Wermbang Vanpiper
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Abuse of flower.

Merni Vlemeyer vs. Carvon Vlemeyer
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Severe halitosis.

Damarni Whempest vs. Jork Whempest
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Whether “memoji” is a valid scrabble word?

Bing Loo Xing vs. Bong Lee Xong
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Too much/too little makeup.

Jilian Yelpstern vs. Tonk Yelpstern
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Stacking beer cans.

Onesta Zaragamba vs. Haiduc Zaragamba
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Lack of respect for in-laws.

Anima Zorvdunkel vs. Guavchut Zorvdunkel
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Making coffee.

Women Moving To Venus And Leaving Men Behind

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Welcome to Venus! Men not welcome.

Welcome to Venus! Men not welcome.

Venus, FL – With men mostly in charge of things here on Earth, and with the general state of affairs going from bad to worse, women are banding together to head out to their very own beautiful planet: Venus!

Earth women are getting so sick and tired of men running the show into the ground that plans are “in the works” for all women, who are willing and able to make the trip, to travel to their original home planet and once again, make it their home, where men are not allowed!

Pretty much any woman we spoke with said: “Men have created such a Global SNAFU here on Planet Earth that we are packing our bags and getting ready to head on out of here!”

Most men we asked about this were too busy fighting to realize what’s going on.

Heidi Heitkamp And Kevin Cramer Agree To Three UFC-Style Octagon Fights

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Will octagon fighting between candidates become the new normal? Tune in to find out.

Bismarck, ND – Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer, who are both fighting for the same Senate seat, will meet three times prior to the election in order to help undecided voters make their choice.

Their campaigns have agreed that these three meetings will each be a UFC-style fight held within a fenced octagon in which there basically are no rules.

North Dakota is possibly the first state to have their candidates engage in octagon fighting, instead of the normal (and boring) debate setting where they answer questions whilst standing at a podium and sip water for an hour.

These three exciting octagon fights between Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer are expected to be watched by people all across the country, not only because of the importance of the race but also because of the uniqueness of their encounters.

Downtown Fargo Adding Another Bar In An Attempt To Increase Crime And Number Of Drunks

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Downtown Fargo needs more bars to truly be considered a bona fide Drunkfest.

Fargo, ND – As if there wasn’t already enough crime and drunks in the Downtown Fargo area, the addition of a new bar should get those social parameters up to acceptable levels.

Instead of adding much-needed parking spaces, the presence of a brand new bar called Cobweb Jocks will provide Downtown Fargo with the amount of crime and number of drunks it seeks to become a world-class party locale.

“Just like going to a hockey game, what people enjoy the most is seeing drunken fights late at night,” says one late-night bloody-nosed drunk guy who just got done being in a fight.

Coupled with the fact that the Fargo Police headquarters is being relocated from Downtown Fargo to two miles west, people who have chosen to live in Downtown Fargo will soon be nicely surprised by the additional amount of exciting late-night activity happening in their hip-hop hot spot.

Sign Up To Join The FMO Birthday Club For Only $100

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For a mere $100, you will enjoy all the perks of being a proud member of the FMO Birthday Club.

West Fargo, ND – Are you a person who has a birthday and who likes to have fun? Have you been looking for a way to make perfunctory birthdays more functory?

May we suggest that you join the FM Observer Birthday Club by sending us all of your personal identifying information, along with $100 for shipping and handling.

From there, the possibilities are endless!

On or near your birthday, you may receive a personal call or visit from The Pope who might even give you a free rosary, and show you different cool things you can do with it!

We may do a satirically fake-news post about you on our website and unleash it to go viral in South Dakota!

You possibly could get any number of hot pizzas delivered to your current GPS location and/or multiple singing telegrams by entire robed church choirs!

Your name might be entered into a drawing to travel with us to Goosey Goosey Island for an endless bonfire weekend where you may be taught our secret double handshake and possibly be given your very own emergency whistle.

By joining the FMO Birthday Club for only $100, you could maybe win a lifetime supply of some random items selected especially for you.

Finally, for any new and fully-paid members to the FMO Birthday Club, you will not only be invited to go to the Humane Society and select yourself a free puppy, but you will also get to name it and keep it for the rest of your lives!

Fargo Bar Fight Begins After Man Asks Another To Borrow His Toogit

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Hey buddy, do you mind if I borrow your toogit? What the hell did you just ask me?!

Fargo, ND – In what could have been because of a possible misunderstanding, a bar fight broke out last night in a downtown Fargo bar after one man seemingly innocently asked a stranger if he could borrow the other man’s toogit.

Things quickly escalated to the point where push came to shove followed by the obligatory punches to the face.

Police officers on the scene talking to eye-witnesses later determined that the whole thing started due to a simple lack of understanding regarding what is a toogit.

Misunderstanding quickly escalated to perceived disrespect followed by the obligatory pummeling all because of a toogit.

United Airlines Expecting Insignificant Revenue Shortfall Amidst Controversy

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Louisville, KY – $36 billion in annual revenue could turn into a mere $33 billion after video of United airline staff violently re-appropriating or re-accommodating or re-moving or whatever they call what they did to a paid customer surfaced the other day.

“We might lose a couple potential flyers. It is an unfortunate consequence of millions of people witnessing an involuntary de-boarding or mandatory un-planing or whatever we’re calling what we did to that passenger the other day,” said United spokesperson Phishla Crowntank. “He wouldn’t get himself off so we had to get him off.”

There’s no telling what this tiny revenue shortfall will do to the airline. Our guess is that instead of 4 passengers getting up to $1300 apiece for being unavoidably extricated from a flight, perhaps they’ll have their bouncers fist-beat and drag three paid customers for $1000 apiece instead.

Meanwhile, remember to bring a helmet in your carry-on luggage next time you fly United.

Gang Signs Causing Fights Between Rival Retirement Homes

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Some retirement homes in Fargo are “not to be messed with” due to suspicious gang activities.

Fargo, ND – Apparently residents of opposing retirement homes in the Fargo area have been flashing gang signs back and forth at each other to the point where it has become “problematical”.

Police reports indicate that residents of Death Valley Retirement Home have been ramping up tensions between themselves and their opposition gang which resides at Purgatory Senior Living.

“We’re not sure how this whole thing got started but we do know it cannot keep on escalating like it has been without a bloody full-blown gang fight breaking out sometime soon,” offers Police officer Lt. Greg Greeno, who’s been assigned to this case.

Retirement home managers are considering searching resident rooms in search of weapons that could be used in a gang fight such as wooden spoons, rolled up newspapers, and even toothbrushes.

For now, you are being asked to stay away from Death Valley Retirement Home as well as Purgatory Senior Living until tensions can be ratcheted down a bit.

If you are going to visit a loved one who happens to be a gang member at one of these retirement homes, please pay attention to any gang signs you observe during your visit and report them immediately to the authorities.

Fargo Facebook Families Fatally Fear Fifty Foot Fast Flood Forecast

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Trying to be calmly proactive, fearful Fargo families fighting fifty foot fast-melting flood.

Fargo, ND – With the forecast calling for quick climate change from global cooling to global warming, many who fought The Big Flood zactly 20 years are starting to squirm any time the words “sand” or “bag” are mentioned.

The Benson Family: “Yah, we probly should’ve built that Red River Diversion by now, doncha know?”

The Sakimov Family: “We have already started filling sandbags out in our garage, like since last month I think, and we already hava-lota-vum.”

The Grinstein Group: “In school, my son herd that a very fast melt caused by rain could suddenly cause a record fifty foot flood right hier in River City, baby!”

The LaQuan Family Corp: “We are seriously looking into procuring a plethora of sandbags from various reliable sources some of which may be online. We steal sand from wherever we can dig it, man.”

The Nillson Gathering: “We just feel real real lucky to have all our favorite Facebook friends to help us out by firstly liking us on Facebook and secondly leaving such helpful and wonderful comments while they’re supposedly vacationing down there in Guatemala which I half suspect is basically just all trumped up.”