Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Led Zeppelin To Play For Giant Prom Dance At The Fargodome

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All F-M area high skools to celebrate prom together dancing to the tunes of Led Zeppelin.

All F-M area high skools to celebrate prom together dancing to the tunes of Led Zeppelin.

Fargo, ND – Fargodome officials were very excited to announce that Led Zeppelin will perform for an all-high school prom this Spring.

The event coordinator, Ms. Ann Arky puts it this way: “Instead of many small little baby proms each dancing to Barry Manilow CDs, we decided to have all the high schools come together and jointly dance to live music by the band Led Zeppelin.”

Here are some student reactions to this big announcement:

Richard Lucas from Fargo South: “I’ve never heard of Led Zeppelin but I like the idea of all the high schools having one big prom.”

Alissa Dexter from Shanley shared this with us: “I’m thinking this is going to be the best prom ever!“

Clark Coburn of Fargo Davies High School: “I love Led Zeppelin! Maybe the prom theme will be Stairway To Heaven!“

Zika Test Now Available

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Thankfully, a new Zika Test is now available to help fight against the Zika Virus Disease.

Bismarck, ND – A new Zika Test is now available. Most of the test results so far have been quite negative. State epidemiologists are hoping for more positive results in the future. In cooperation with the FM Observer, Dr. Carola Runquist has put together this simple, new Zika Test which can be self-administered in the privacy of your own home.

Zika Test

1. What is Zika?
A: A new dance craze from Brazil.
B: Ford’s new hybrid car.
C: A popular dog name.
D: Something that is very, very bad.

2. How did Zika get the name Zika?
A: From King Zika, inventor of the hammock.
B: During a scramble game in Florida.
C: From the phrase: Zika solution to the problem.
D: Name of a forest in Uganda.

3. What does Zika stand for?
A: Zoom In, Kick Ass
B: Zombies Imbibe Kool Aid
C: Zambian International Knife Association
D: Zika Invasion Killing America

4. When/How was Zika first discovered?
A: During the 1951 filming of ‘African Queen’.
B: When Columbus discovered America.
C: By accident at 3M’s Post-it Division.
D: By a captive sentinel rhesus monkey in 1947.

5. What does Zika cause?
A: Microcephaly.
B: Adult paralysis.
C: Societal panic.
D: All of the above.

6. How is Zika carried/transmitted?
A: Through the U.S. Postal Service.
B: Over talk-show radio waves.
C: By Amazon delivery drones.
D: By amazon mosquitos.

7. Where does Zika occur?
A: At pinochle tables in retirement homes.
B: In co-ed dorms of state universities.
C: Deep within the Earth where fracking occurs.
D: At mosquito-infested tropical resorts.

8. How do people catch Zika?
A: By sneaking up on it with a large butterfly net.
B: With a glove while sitting in the foul ball section.
C: By using high-speed cameras while sitting in trees.
D: Bitten by mosquitos that also carry chikungunya.

9.What are the symptoms of Zika?
A: Weight gain after joining Weight Watchers with Oprah.
B: Violent shaking followed by periods of extreme agitation.
C: Dryness of humor along with wetness of socks.
D: Pyrexia, arthralgia, conjunctivitis, and lethargy.

10. How is Zika treated?
A: With as much respect as possible.
B: As if human survival depends on it.
C: Suggested daily trips to the Dairy Queen.
D: With pain meds, rest, and drinking plenty o’ water.

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The answers to all twelve questions is shown on this stone obelisk.

11. What can I do to protect myself?
A: Wear a hazmat suit at all times.
B: Sign up for LifeLock Ultimate Plus.
C: Watch Dr. Oz Show every day.
D: Prevent getting bitten by mosquitos.

12. Should I avoid travelling to Zika areas?
A: Concentrate and ask again.
B: Better not tell you now.
C: Reply hazy, try again.
D: Signs point to Yes.

FMO’s Final Interview With David Bowie

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David Bowie

David Robert Jones (January 8, 1947 – January 10, 2016)

Manhattan, NY – Here is a portion of the FM Observer’s final interview with David Bowie:

FMO: Would you describe yourself as a serious kind of guy?
David Bowie: I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

FMO: What is the quality you most like in a man?
David Bowie: The ability to return books.

FMO: What would be one of your favorite books?
David Bowie: Don’t you love the Oxford Dictionary? When I first read it, I thought it was a really really long poem about everything.

FMO: Do you think society has changed since your Ziggy Stardust days?
David Bowie: People are so fucking dumb. Nobody reads anymore, nobody goes out and looks and explores the society and culture they were brought up in. People have attention spans of five seconds and as much depth as a glass of water.

FMO: Do you speak any foreign languages?
David Bowie: I can ask for cigarettes in every language.

FMO: Did you have any tricks for writing songs?
David Bowie: When I’m stuck for a closing to a lyric, I will drag out my last resort: overwhelming illogic.

FMO: Is there any kind of music that doesn’t seem to jive with your personality?
David Bowie: Funk, I don’t think I have anything to do with funk. I’ve never considered myself funky.

FMO: What would you say is one of your biggest pet peeves?
David Bowie: I’ve never responded well to entrenched negative thinking.

FMO: What are your thoughts on religion?
David Bowie: Religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, spirituality is for those who’ve been there.

FMO: Has aging taught you any lessons?
David Bowie: As you get older, the questions come down to about two or three. How long? And what do I do with the time I’ve got left?

FMO: What are your thoughts on life and death?
David Bowie: Confront a corpse at least once. The absolute absence of life is the most disturbing and challenging confrontation you will ever have.

FMO: Do you have any plans for the after-life?
David Bowie: I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.

West Fargo’s ‘War On Dogs’ Now To Include Deportation

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West Fargo dog catcher asks for voluntarily compliance to round up all dogs.

West Fargo, ND – The fastest growing city in North Dakota, known as the “City on the Grow”, has also just declared its own “War on Dogs.”

The most recent Dog Census revealed to city leaders that the dog population was growing four times faster than its humanoid population.

“Enough is enough!” declared Carl Fanzer, West Fargo’s Top Dog Catcher.

West Fargo’s new “War On Dogs” will include a simple 3-point plan:

1. Ask owners to voluntarily bring their dogs to the City Pound.

2. Hire professional dog catching teams to round up all remaining dogs.

3. Begin “Doggy Deportations” back to each dog’s country of origin. For example, all German Shepherds would go to Germany, Great Danes to Denmark, as so on and so forth.

To find what country your dog would be deported to, use this handy chart!

Rachel Maddow Announces She’s Running For Governor Of North Dakota

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Rachel Maddow describes herself as a left-looking liberal lady as well as a proactively progressive political pundit.

Bismarck, ND – Rachel Maddow has stunned the political world by announcing that she is running for Governor of the great state of North Dakota.

Most people know Rachel Maddow as a popular political commentator who hosts the Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC.

Some might not know that she is also an accomplished author who holds a doctorate in politics from the prestigious Oxford University.

With a vast dearth of Democrat candidates running for Governor of North Dakota, Rachel Maddow has decided to throw her name into the proverbial political hat.

FMO: Why North Dakota? Why would you want to run for Governor of North Dakota?

Rachel Maddow: “Some people see things as they are and ask why. I see things that could be and say: Hey, what the heck!”

Moorhead Finally Changing Its Name To East Fargo

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Moorhead excited to finally be changing its name to East Fargo!

Moorhead, MN excited to finally be changing its name to East Fargo, ND!

Moorhead, MN – Residents and city leaders in the quirky town of Moorhead, Minisoda are just giddy with the idea they will soon be called East Fargo.

“It’s been a long time coming and I’m so glad to still be alive to see it finally happen” says Dr. Nerv Bulstad, Cartographer Emeritus for American Map Corp.

Moorhead’s city leaders admit that this name change makes sense in so many ways:

Fargo has its West Fargo, North Fargo, and South Fargo but has long been lacking the final missing puzzle piece: East Fargo! Now, anyone who’s a symmetry freak can have the balance they’ve been seeking.

Also, Moorhead has long been living in Fargo’s shadow and can no longer compete with F-Town. As one long-time Moorhead resident who wished to remain anonymous (Mrs. Agnes Vurvbock) put it: “Well, if we can’t beat ’em, let’s join ’em, dammit!”

Rumor has it that there are even some back-room discussions underway to divert the Red River to the East, around East Fargo, so that the newly named Fargo suburb can actually be in North Dakota, like it should be.

Try-Outs Now Open For Fargo’s New Table Tennis Team

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Ping Pong: A serious sport for some serious fun.

Fargo, ND – As the sport of table tennis continues to grow in popularity world-wide, Fargo is being proactive to stay ahead of the competition.

Just as Fargo has its own baseball, hockey, and roller derby teams, the forward-looking city is beginning to put together an official Fargo Table Tennis Team.

By gathering the best of the best from our wonderfully diverse community, Fargo seeks to dominate any and all other cities and towns who dare to put forth their own table tennis teams.

The Chinese call it “Ping Pong” while everyone who participates just calls it “fun“.

No matter if you’re male or female, young or old, if you think you have what it takes to make the Fargo Table Tennis Team, watch for more information on leagues and tournaments that will ultimately determine the proud members of Fargo’s elite Table Tennis Team.

For anyone who likes to brainstorm, the team will also need an official name and logo!

Dr. Finance Explains Negative Interest

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Dr. Finance knows money. That’s why his latest book is called ‘Know Money’.

Green Bank, NJ – Dr. Finance is back by popular demand to answer another money question from one of our smarter readers.

Ms. Evette Ragsdale from Square Butte, Montana asks: Dear Dr. Finance, On a local radio talk-show, a financial expert mentioned the term “Negative Interest”. Could you please explain what this means? Thanks, Evette

Dr. Finance: Thank you, Evette, for that interesting question.

1. The term “Negative Interest” was first coined when scientists in the lab noticed that positive ions were only interested in attracting negative ions to be their life-long spousemates.

2. Later, movie-maker Woody Allen made the term a household phrase in one of his earlier movies when he was not invited up to a woman’s apartment at the end of their first date, because she had “Negative Interest” in pursuing a relationship with him because of his quirkiness.

3. More recently however, that same phrase is being applied by large banks which used to happily help a youngster open a savings account with the coins in their piggy bank. Since it’s usually such a small amount of money, the banks have “Negative Interest” in helping smaller investors because they would rather spend their time helping rich people like Rachel Maddow, who makes seven million dollars a year.

If you have a money question for Dr. Finance, please mail it in a green envelope along with at least $100 cash (for shipping and handling) to the FM Observer, attention Dr. Finance.

Cockpit Of New Boeing 797 Not Dissimilar To Giant Organ

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Captain Jack says to be very careful what keys you push as some can pop open the plane’s cargo bay doors while in flight.

Organ, NM – As former test pilots for NASA, a few of our FMO staff members got to personally witness the unveiling of the latest Boeing 797 airplane.

While having every modern convenience known to man, some might say that the new Boeing 797 plane’s cockpit resembles a large organ.

“But don’t be fooled!” says Captain Jack Perkins.

“Literally every aspect of the new Boeing 797 airplane can be control with the press of a key, or in some cases, a special secret combination of keys.”

As a safeguard against hijackers, the normal flying of the plane is controlled by what type of music Captain Jack plays. If flying through some bumpy weather, Captain Jack plays a lively polka. While flying in calmer skies, the Tennessee Waltz might be more apropos.

Proposed New Downtown Fargo Parking Ramp Offers More Style Than Space

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For the lucky few that find a parking space, they will be impressed by the Rococo design.

For the lucky few that find a parking space, they will be highly impressed by the Rococo-designed ceiling.

Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be getting some much needed extra parking spaces thanks to a proposed new one-level parking ramp.

But instead of focusing on maximizing space for parking, developers have decided to maximize its architectural flair.

“By sacrificing some parking spots, we will be able to deliver to Downtown Fargo some much needed Rococo architectural attractiveness,” says Mel Anoma, who heads up Fargo’s Parking Authority.

The proposed new single-level parking ramp will cost about forty million dollars while the price tag for the impressive one hundred foot Roman-Rococo ceiling is expected to be about eighty million dollars.

Mr. Anoma adds: “As a special treat, we’re planning on having valet parking by trained illegal alien parkers, in order to really pack the cars into the actual parking area, which should hold about sixty cars when parked bumper to bumper.”