Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

It’s Official: Jar Jar Binks Is Moving To Fargo!

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Donatella Versace shares her beauty secrets.

Say hello to Fargo’s newest celebrity!

Fargo, ND – After much behind-the-scenes planning and excitement, Jar Jar “JJ” Binks has decided to “settle down” in Fargo, North Dakota.

Known for being one of the most popular of all the Star Wars characters, a large portion of JJ’s vast wealth comes from his Binks Armored Truck services and for briefly being married to the very lovely and super rich Donatella Versace.

Mr. Binks says he is moving to Fargo because of the region’s relative safety and lack of paparazzi.

Jar Jar’s message to the people of Fargo: “Mesa called Jar-Jar Binks. Mesa your humble servant!”

Jar Jar is also seeking a life mate.

JJ likes walks down by the river, sipping wine, back rubs, book discussion clubs, and watching Kung Fu late at night.

New UND Nickname And Logo Soon Announced: The Sundogs!

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New UND Sundog Logo

The New UND Sundog Logo

Grand Forks, ND – With the Fighting Sioux nickname found to be too politically incorrect and the top vote-getter “North Dakota” being thrown out by The Committee, it looks like those with the power to decide are leaning toward: The Sundogs!

Since the term “Sundog” has so much meaning and history associated with the University of North Dakota, it seems like the obvious logical best choice.

“The UND sports teams are bright spots on the halo surrounding the University as are Sundogs around the Sun,” says one anonymous committee member who has no past association with UND in any way.

Ironically, another committee member, whose dog recently went to the vet and had a neck cone put in place to prevent it from licking its wounds, noticed that the cone looked like a beautiful sun halo around Barf’s head. “Hey, Barf looks like a Sundog!”

Early polling indicates that almost all Fighting Sioux alumni think Sundogs is a wonderful replacement name and cannot wait the for official announcement to come.

Fargo Police Give Blue Angels Speeding Ticket

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How fast is too fast?

How fast is too fast?

Fargo, ND – Just as there are speed limits on the ground, a Blue Angels pilot just discovered that there are also speed limits over the city of Fargo.

Blue Angels pilot Bucky Houston found this out the hard way when our local police pulled his speeding jet over for a not-so-routine traffic violation.

Clocked going a mere 765 miles per hour, this Blue Angel will have to pay a hefty fine after almost breaking the sound barrier and shattering the windows of the police car.

The Blue Angels will once again be doing their thing for the Fargo Airshow but hopefully at speeds that don’t land them in more hot water.

Local Idiot Support Group Has Standing Room Only During First Meeting

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Moorhead’s Idiot Support Group

Moorhead, MN – After receiving an overwhelming number of requests, the City of Moorhead’s Idiot Support Group had its big kick-off meeting this week.

It was scheduled to take place in a meeting room at the Public Liberry but probably should have been located in a much larger school gymnasium.

Anonymous moronic idiots from the entire region converged to share idiotic stories about themselves.

Group leader Blanche Muggler commented after the meeting: “I have never seen so many idiots in one place at the same time in my entire life. It was truly a sight to behold.”

Upcoming day-long gatherings of the Idiot Support Group will be held at the Concordia College gymnasium on the 6th Tuesday and 7th Thursday of every month.

BigFoot Spotted Roaming WE Fest Area

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Arrow indicates where BigFoot slept.

Detroit Lakes, MN – Some call him BigFoot while others say Sasquatch. But all experts now agree that the overgrown Yeti now appears to be roaming around and sleeping in the Sioux Pass Ranch area, just in time for WE Fest.

Apparently driven out of Canada by the forest fires, BigFoot has been known to enjoy County Western music, beer, and snack foods.

So it comes as no big surprise that The Beast has shown up in the Detroit Lakes area just a few weeks before WE Fest starts to ramp up.

If you happen to encounter BigFoot in the Becker County forest, remember to not make direct eye contact with The Creature, and certainly do not mention anything about Obamacare.

In the past, Mr. Big has shown an affinity for Shania Twain songs, large bags of Doritos, and Heineken.

Woman Living In Hammock Above Fargo Park

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Hammock woman tells FMO reporter to "Fuck off!"

Hammock woman tells FMO reporter to “Fuck Off!”

Fargo, ND – One of our best junior reporters (who recently attended FMO Summer Camp) somehow discovered a woman living up in a hammock in Fargo’s Lindenwood Park.

Our on-the-scene reporter cleverly asked the lady why she was there, living in a hammock?

Her reply was that she was getting set up early for the WE Fest and wanted to “grab a good spot before they all were taken.”

After our reporter kindly informed her that the WE Fest is down by Detroit Lakes and not in Fargo, the stunned hammocker became quite irate and proceeded to drop multiple F-Bombs on our staffer while madly throwing empty tunafish cans down from her high-hanging hangout.

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with the WE Festers, especially when they’re high.

Source Of Haze Over Fargo Discovered

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Listen to my demands, or the smoke will continue!

Listen to my demands, or the smoke will continue!

Northwest of Fargo, ND – The source of the smoke that’s been causing the haze over Fargo has been discovered.

It turns out to be coming from Mr. Gary Lofton’s continuous bonfire.

Unfortunately, according to Mr. Lofton, the smoke won’t stop until his list of demands has been satisfied.

For starters, he apparently wants his own free parking spot in downtown Fargo. Mr. Lofton is sick and tired of not being able to park in downtown Fargo!

Also, Gary wants the Red River Diversion to protect his property. He also wants construction of the diversion to begin immediately.

Finally, Mr. Lofton is not going to put his bonfire out until binge drinking is allowed for everyone at Fargodome Bison football games, and NOT just for people in the suites!

Binge Drinking OKed In Fargodome Suites During Football Games

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Raise your beer pitcher and let’s toast to binge drinking in all suite seats!

Fargo, ND – The Good News: The decision has been made to finally allow binge drinking during Bison football games.

The Bad News: Binge drinking will only be allowed in suites. So, if you’re not in a suite, all your drinking will have to be drunk during the tailing gating party in the parking lot prior to entering the Fargodome.

The Other Good News: The entire Fargodome has now been zoned as one giant “suite”, so no matter where you are, binge drinking will not only be allowed, but encouraged.

New FM Lakes Shuttle Service To Alleviate Weekend Traffic

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Fargo-Moorhead providing shuttle service to and from "The Lakes".

Fargo-Moorhead providing shuttle service to and from “The Lakes”.

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead Corporation will begin providing driverless shuttle service to the popular Minnesota lakes area in an effort to alleviate weekend traffic jams.

Pick up points in the FM area will be from all Sam’s Club and Walmart parking lots.

Shuttles will leave once every hour. The cost per person will be $15 or 10 Bitcoins.

Once all passengers are on board, smartphone GPS technology will automatically determine the quickest and best route based on everyone’s destination coordinates.

“We think this is a great plan based on the fact the everyone involved is trying to take credit for the idea,” said Shuttle Captain, Charlene Melacon.

NDSU To Offer Rock Balancing As Major Field Of Study

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NDSU welcomes Professor Dr. Michael Grab

NDSU welcomes Professor Dr. Michael Grab

Fargo, ND – North Dakota State University is proud to announce that a major in Rock Balancing is being added to its fields of study.

Canadian-born Professor Dr. Michael Grab who now headquarters out of Boulder, CO will oversee NDSU’s Rock Balancing classes.

Dr. Grab has long been one of the world’s foremost authorities on the Art of Rock Balancing.

With the recent rise in popularity of rock balancing, job opportunities abound for trained rock balancers as many resorts, hotels, and restaurants are seeking to hire them to their staff.

Dr. Grab also believes practicing the Art of Rock Balancing provides many meditative benefits and helps to promote patience.

NDSU will be offering Rock Balancing classes to all undergraduate and graduate students and also through on-line study courses.