Category Archives: Offbeat

Weirdos Believe Secret Underground Community Exists Beneath Hollywood Hills

Leave a reply
What Lies Beneath? (rated R)

What Lies Beneath? (rated R)

Hollywood, CA—Several mentally-troubled outsiders believe there exists a secret underground celebrity community beneath the rolling hills of Hollywood, California. Locals are skeptical, but crazies are convinced that there’s stuff going on underneath the Earth, beneath the HOLLYWOOD sign.

zion

Zion

Conspiracy theorists have presented non-factual evidence of secret activities occurring beneath the Hills. “25 million people living in LA and absolutely nothing going on beneath the Earth’s crust? I don’t think so, Tim,” proclaimed veteran conspiracy theorist Kenneth Noisewater. “Look beneath the Hills, not with your eyes, but with your instincts…you will see an enchanted, subterranean village full of Beautiful People. Backstage at the Hollywood Bowl is one entrance. Jack Nicholson’s backyard, there is another.”

Nobody truly knows what’s going on under there, but weirdos are convinced that it’s absolutely not nothing. Geologists, on the other hand, refute these claims with scientific evidence that if such an underground community did exist, it wouldn’t for long because the weight of the Earth above would collapse it into itself like an incredibly massive sinkhole.

xbox one versus playstation 4

Xbox One VS PS4 Fanboy Off

1 Reply

xbox one versus playstation 4

The Xbox One and the PS4 are set to be released this November.  This leaves the fanboys of each console at war with each other.

They have taken to Twitter and Facebook to do battle!

 

Round 1

xboxonesucks

Winner  – Playstationps4sucks

 

Round 2

ps4sucks2

Winner – Microsoft

xboxonesucks2

Round 3

xboxonesucks4

ps4 sucks big time

Winner – Microsoft – This guy sure does like hashtags

 

Round 4

ps4sucks6

Winner – Microsoft

 xboxonesucks5

Round 5

xboxonesucks7

Winner – Playstation

ps4sucks7

and the winner is……………..

cat gift

Winner by TKO

Microsoft

dont do it

Don’t You Dare Put That Dick Pic Of Yours On The Internet

Leave a reply

dont do itHave you ever been searching the internet and randomly ran into something you were absolutely not looking for?  For example, you were surfing Tumblr or any other blog site.  It’s 11 a.m on a Saturday morning.  You’re feeling great. You thank god for letting you experience another day in the fabulous realm called human life.  You fire up your old trusty computer and type in google.com.  Feeling nostalgic, you search for old pictures of past decades which leads to you Tumblr or any other personal blog site.  You’re scrolling down with pure excitement as you’re looking at all the pictures of things you remember of your past childhood.  Just as you were enjoying yourself you scroll down just a little bit more and BAM……dick pics.  Dick pics out of nowhere.

If you are reading this and are guilty of putting dick pics on the internet, let me explain some things to you.

First of all, women don’t want to see your little wiener on the internet.  Wieners are not attractive.  From a female’s AND male’s perspective.  What makes you think a stranger on the internet wants to see your penis?  Nobody.  Nobody wants to see your willy poking out of the bush.

So much garbage is already on the internet we don’t need to be worrying about running into your dick pics as well.  If you ARE going to do it, it’s probably a good idea to not include your face.  What if your mom, sister, or aunt was searching the internet and accidentally landed on your dick pics?  Me, being the nice guy that I am, I wouldn’t wish that odd conversation you would be having with your mom on anyone.  No woman is sitting there thinking, “Yes!  I finally found Mr. Right.  I could NOT for the LIFE OF ME find a good guy who has dick pics on the internet.”

So, is that too much to ask?  Not having to worry about running into dick picks?  Put popeye back in your pants and go do something constructive outside, ok?  Thanks.

miley cyrus

Objects Miley Cyrus Has Not Violated

Leave a reply

Miley Cyrus has violated a lot of objects over the past few months.  However, there are a lot of objects Miley Cyrus has not gotten to yet.

 

these poodles

poodles

 

 

these witches brooms

witches brooms

 

 this john deere tractor

john deer tractor

 

 

this salt shaker

salt shaker

 

 

all of the marvel heroes

marvel heros

 

 

this power drill

power drill

 

 

miss piggy and kermit the frog

miss piggy and kermit the frog

 

this battleship

battleship

 

 

this guy

wheres waldo

 

 

this coffee maker

coffee maker

 

 

your grandma

your grandma

 

and thank god she hasn’t got to this signed larry bird jersey yet

larry bird

Hashtag Pro

The Pro Hashtagger

Leave a reply

What better way to spend your time than hashtagging the shit out of something.  Whenever I see a picture with hashtags the first thing I think of is, “How can I hashtag the ever living shit out of this thang.”

The commentator below decided the picture alone as well as the comments section didn’t have enough hashtags.  Through hell and high water were they going to leave this picture without the proper hashtags.  If a giant asteroid was going to hit the earth in five min, these pro hashtaggers would rather die making hashtags than seek shelter underground.  Hence their post below.

hashtag pro

Now was that really necessary?  They hashtagged the shit out of this photo via describing the entire damn picture in visual and mental hashtags.  If that is the case, let me add my own visual, mental, and physical hashtags that I think are missing in order to describe this picture in detail.

#poopisinmyrectumbutyoucantseeit #bangedtwoguysatsametimeonce #pastoutonshitter #bleedsfromvaginamonthly

#myselfieisbetterthanyourselfie #noduckfaceforyou #thisismymirror #thisismycamera #therearemanylikeitbutthisoneismine

#Mymirrorismybestfriend #itismylife #ImustmasteritasImustmastermylife #ifartintheshower #tanninglotionqueen

 

I think this picture is properly hashtagged now.  No more guessing as to what is actually going on in the photo as it is properly described in full detail.   Am I right or am I right?

Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area

Leave a reply
The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

Fargo, ND – It is time once again to vote for the worst places in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Our annual compilation of all the places you hate the most is about to begin.

Of course, we need your help in the form of votes.

There are many different categories to be decided, but remember that this is for the places that you think are the worst in each category.

 

 

 

 

Here are the categories for this year’s worst:

[form form-1]

 

Winners will be announced sometime in the distant future.

healthy stoner food

Ridiculously Healthy Foods To Eat While High

Leave a reply

No time for a short intro!  Let’s get to the food!

 

mcgangbang

Yea baby!

 

Combine a McDouble and McChicken together into one.  Feel those arteries clog.  Often called the McGangBang.

Insructions: Buy a McDouble burger.  Buy a McChicken burger.  Take them both out of the wrapper.  Insert McChicken into McDouble thus combining them into one burger.  Stuff mouth.

 

Combining three cereals into one.  For example: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Corn Pops, and Frosted Flakes.

Insructions: Pour 1/3 Cinnamon Toast Crunch into large bowl.  Pour 1/3 Corn Pops into bowl.  Pour 1/3 Frosted Flakes into bowl.  Put milk into bowl.  Stuff mouth.

 

Lunch meat concoction.

Instructions: Get lunch meat and your favorite block of cheese.  Cut slim slices of cheese and wrap around some lunch meat.  Put wrapped lunch meat inbetween two pieces and toast.  Throw on some hot sauce.  Stuff mouth.

 

Macaroni Cheese Dish

Instructions: Make a batch of Macaroni and Cheese.  Put finished Mac and Cheese into large bowl. Make a batch of chili and put some into bowl.  Cut up a hot dog or two and mix into bowl.  Add bacon bits into bowl.  Throw in a little hot sauce.  Stir.  Stuff mouth.

 

Pretzel sticks and bbq sauce

Instructions:  Get a big bag of pretzel sticks.  Pour bottle of favoritae bbq sauce into small or very large bowl.  Dip pretzels into favorite bbq sauce.  Stuff mouth.

 

Spaghetti Pizza

Instructions:  Take out left over pizza from fridge.  Take out left over spaghetti from fridge.  Put spaghetti on top of pizza.  Heat in microwave.  Or, you have the option to eat cold as well.  Stuff mouth.

 

Pancakes full of stuff.  How big is your plate?

Instructions: Make two full, thick, large, pancakes.  Put pancakes onto plate.  Add your favorite toppings such as m&m’s, cut up twix bar, cut up snickers bar. and top with a little syrup.  Stuff mouth.

 

Classic potato chip sandwich

Instructions:  Toast bread.  Spread a generous amount of peanut better on one or both pieces of bread.  Add a generous amount of potato chips inbetween bread.  Add anything else you like such as pickles, honey, a cookie?  Keep bag of chips to your side for easy access.  Stuff mouth.

 

Snickers

Instructions:  Eat one snickers bar.  Eat second snickers bar.  Eat third snickers bar.  Stuff mouth.  Wait…you already were.

 

Nacho Cheese Doritos and then add more cheese.  One of Bills Favorite.

Instructions: Spread a generous amount of Doritos out onto a large plate.  Sprinkle a generous amount of  your favorite shredded cheese (sharp cheddar) on top of Doritos.  Put into microwave for 15-20 seconds.  Stuff mouth.

 

Powdered Jelly Donuts.  Can’t eat just one.

Instructions: Go to your local donut shop and pick up a dozen powdered jelly donuts.  Stuff mouth.

 

All of these foods are 100% accepted and fully endorsed by Bill Burns.  Stay tuned for Part II.

How To Say A Useful Phrase In 10 Languages

Leave a reply
OMG! My hovercraft is full of eels!

OMG! My hovercraft is full of eels!

Eel River, Indiana – In the FM Observer’s on-going effort to bring you free, cutting-edge, continuing adult educational trainings, we take you to Eel River, Indiana where we’ve been invited to take a vicarious ride with Bob Scarponi on his air-cushioned hovercraft. There, wasn’t that fun?

Mr. Scarponi, who used to work in the Peace Corps, because he couldn’t find a real job, is fairly fluent in 10 languages and he has agreed to teach us all how to say a common and useful English phrase in all 10 languages.

{Tip: Being able to put on your résumé that you can speak 10 different languages can be a major plus when applying for a job.}

Growing up in Eel River, Bob says that finding fresh-water peacock eels on-board his watercraft has been a perennial problem, especially during the eel mating season when the little devils become much more aggressive.

So, without much more further ado, here are Mr. Bob Scarponi’s personal notes on how to say: “My hovercraft is full of eels!” in 10 different languages:

Cornish: Leun a sylli yw ow skath bargesi!
Dutch: Mijn luchtkussenboot zit vol paling!
German: Mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist voller Aale!
Korean: Nae hoebuhkeurapeuteuneun changuhro kadeuk cha isseyo!
Latin: Mea navis volitans anguillis plena est!
Shona: Hovercraft yangu yakazara nemikunga!
Somali: Huufarkarafkayga waxaa ka buuxa eels!
Swahili: Gari langu linaloangama limejaa na mikunga!
Welsh: Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn llyswennod!
Zulu: Umkhumbi wami ugcwele ngenyoka zemanzini!

Look for more up-coming educational trainings offered to you free-of-charge by the FM Observer. Some possible future topics may include: 1. How to defend yourself in court, 2. Painting rocks to look like candy, and 3. Joining a cult to enrich your personal confidence.

Learn To Count Just Like Indians

Leave a reply

IndianCommandmentsx2Lakota, Dakota – Besides being your ever-reliable source for the latest in serious satirical fake news journalism, the FM Observer can also be a powerful free educational tool for many who seek to continuously expand their brainpower.

Today’s free educational offering combines learning a Native American language, along with some basic numerology. At the end of this exciting lesson, you will be able to fluently speak the numbers 1 through 10 in the original Dakota Sioux native tongue.

Please note: Once you have committed these new terms to memory, it is very important to use them as much as possible in your daily conversations. Feel free to make flashcards and test yourself, or ask a complete stranger to pop quiz you.

So now, without any further ado, the FM Observer proudly presents:

How to speak 1-10 in Dakota Sioux:
 1. Wanzi
2. Nonpa
3. Yamni
4. Topa
5. Zaptan
6. Sakpe
7. Sakowin
8. Sahdogan
9. Napcinwanka
10. Wikcemna

{Look for more free educational trainings from FMO in the near future. Some upcoming hot topics may include:  1. How to make toast perfectly every time,  2. What to look for while cloud gazing,  3. Twenty creative uses for your vacuum cleaner.}