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Fargo Bathroom Swordfighting

Jim Briton Is The Best Bathroom Swordsman in Fargo-Moorhead

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Fargo Bathroom SwordfightingFargo, ND – Bathroom sports are a daily thing and Jim Briton is the best of it all.

Years and years ago, Jim Briton was too young to play bathroom swords with all the other folks.  But after growing up and practicing on his own on a daily basis, he is now the best bathroom swordsman in Fargo-Moorhead.

Being able to practice bathroom swordsmanship on my own all these years has really given me the advantage over the others as my mother would always clean up after me.  Large sporting events bathrooms are the best place to show my skills.  Many men want to challenge my piss swordfighting skills and I gladly take the challenge.  They usually walk out of the bathroom battered and beaten I’m that good.

How did you get interested in bathroom swordfighting?  “Well, I got bored just pissing straight into the toilet.  I’m standing there holding my piss pump thinking there’s got to be more to it than this.  That’s when I started challenging others around me to a swordfighting match.”

Since walking into bathrooms all over the city, Jim Briton’s career has soared.  Everybody knows him.  Everybody fears him.  There is no bathroom swordsman Jim can’t handle.

Just last month Jim Briton beat over 100 men in bathroom swording and the numbers are rising.

I’m on a roll and nobody can stop me.  It’s a great feeling.  I’m continually improving my bathroom swordfighting skills and I feel confident I can walk into any bathroom and beat anyone I wish.

Jim Briton is sure to reach an all-american bathroom swordfighting status soon.  Keep an eye out for Jim in the Fargo-Moorhead area.  This local celebrity could be pissing right next to you.

 

 

Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi

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Goat Boat Woman

Goat Boat Woman

Pilottown, LA – Miss Hazel Brown of Pilottown, Louisiana is about to attempt the unattemptable. Miss Brown (Miss is short for Mississippi) has been preparing to navigate all 2,320 miles of the Mississippi River in a simple wooden boat, with only one paddle, and she will be taking her goats along with her for company. Her hometown friends and neighbors have started calling her the “Goat Boat Woman”.

At 88 years young, Miss(issippi) Brown worked as a high school guidance counselor for 50 years where she guided students down the river of life. Her avocation has always been studying maps, as both of her parents were professional cartographers.

When asked how she decided to do this, she said: “T’was always our plan to do this ever since I was younger, but we seem to’ve procrastinated it a bit now, haven’t we? Well, better late than never, as they always say!”

Hazel’s journey will take her and her caprine (goat-like) friends along or through 10 different states and 128 towns. “As a long-time map lover, I know the route very well.”

The Goat Boat will begins its trip at the river’s source which is Lake Itasca, Minnesota, where the elevation is 1,475 feet above the Gulf of Mexico.

As an amateur cartographer, Hazel knows the first town they will pass by in each of the 10 states:

1. Bemidji, Minnesota
2. Prescott, Wisconsin
3. Lansing, Iowa
4. Galena, Illinois
5. Hannibal, Missouri
6. Wickliffe, Kentucky
7. Tiptonville, Tennessee
8. Osceloa, Arkansas
9. Tunica, Mississippi
10. Waterproof, Louisiana

Their big adventure will hopefully culminate with a big celebration at the mouth of the Mississippi, which is her hometown of Pilottown, Louisiana in Plaquemines Parish at elevation zero.

When asked about dams, Hazel said there’s no need to swear. (Apparently, her three sons will coordinate the portaging of Hazel’s Goat Boat around any dangerous dam-type situations.)

When asked what they will eat, Hazel is hoping that local riverside church groups that she has contacted will bring her small cardboard boxes with some “surprises” in them. For the goats, she says they pretty much eat anything, including broad-leafed plants, any parts of trees, and of course, they love cardboard boxes.

Former Small Town Drug Dealer Living Big City Dream

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Livin’ the dream!

Mapleton, ND—Who said you had to be asleep to live the American dream? That’s baloney! A small-town meth dealer from Mapleton, North Dakota who goes by the street name “Bizznatch” has taken his talents to Minneapolis to pursue his dreams of becoming a drug kingpin.

Bizznatch started his underground meth ring during the early 2000s via a homemade meth lab built in his deadbeat parents’ garage. It was a fly-by-night operation at first. Bizz started pushing one rock here and two rocks there, but as word got out about his penchant for dope slangin’, business picked up. That’s when he knew he really had something to offer.

“I learned math in high school and always had a salesman mentality.” he states. These skills are a valuable commodity in the world of drug dealing. “I trusted nobody and kept my head on a swivel, always looking over my shoulder. You gotta be paranoid in this business.”

His homeboys always knew Bizznatch had what it takes to hit the big time. “Bizz never took no shit from nobody. He always on top of his game.” said his homie C-Slaw. “He slang the rocks like no other.”

Bizznatch soon moved out of his parents’ garage and into his own shitty, run-down meth trailer on the outskirts of town. It was there that he started proliferating his empire.

“I made some real business connections. Loads of cash started coming in. My operation outgrew my meth shack in a hurry. That’s when I knew my 8 cell phones, 47 security cameras, 5,000 pet spiders and I would have to move on.”

meth

toxic rock

Bizznatch loaded up his windowless van and headed east to Minneapolis in 2011. He set up shop in a downtown-area loft and hasn’t moved since. No…seriously. He hasn’t been outside in over two years. Nowadays, he remotely manages a legion of cookers and street pushers via a series of cryptic text messages while the jack continues to roll in. Life is good. He looks back fondly on his early days and says he’ll never forget where he came from.

“Starting out small like that really keeps a drug lord humble. I still remember my first meth sore like it was yesterday…cooking rocks and huffing formaldehyde in my dad’s garage. Man, what a ride.”

Not Giving A Fuck

Local Middle Aged Man Just Stops Giving A Fuck

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Not Giving A FuckFargo, ND – “Hi, I’d like to buy a pair of fucks, please.” “Sorry. Fresh out, bitch.”

A local middle aged Fargo man has been found to have stopped giving a fuck.  The reason behind such a decision is still a complete mystery.  However, due to the FM Observer’s top notch reporting efforts, I was able to not only find this unique man but speak with him as well.

Rodger is a middle aged man from Fargo, ND.  He has two children and a wife.  He seems to be happy and positive.  Full of life.  He still is today but even more so after he just stopped giving a fuck.  See, Rodger says he woke up one morning and wondered why he gave a fuck.  That day he wore his pajamas all day and it all made sense. “I’m not going to give a fuck anymore” he thought.

“What else were you thinking during this time?” I asked.

“Well, it all just came to me pretty quick.  For one I realized I could die at any fucking time.  Then I realized how many douchebags there are everywhere I look.  Ya know?  I mean, then I looked at gas prices, listened to some psycho politicians on the tv and radio, and also thought about how everyone else thinks they know what’s better for you even though they don’t have a damn clue what they are talking about, it got me thinking.  I’m sitting here wondering why I give a fuck about getting raped in the ass everyday by everyone else.  It’s a losing battle, so why give a fuck?  My ass is going to hurt regardless if I care or not.”

“Today Bill, is the day I don’t give a fuck!  It’s glorious! I pissed on the floor by the toilet a little bit today.  Didn’t clean it up.  Why?  Cause I don’t give a fuck.  A grammar nazi corrected my ‘imperfect’ grammar today.  I told him I didn’t give a fuck and slapped him across the face.  Punched a very ugly baby that wouldn’t stop crying.  It totally shut him up.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Rode my bike in normal traffic and at my own pace.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Took a shower nude outside with the hose.  Neighbors were around but I didn’t give a fuck.”

“Not giving a fuck is a good lifestyle choice for me Bill and I’m sticking to it.”

Roger is an interesting case.  Maybe we should follow the ‘not give a fuck’ strategy of Rogers as it seems to be working well for him.

After interviewing Roger, I saw him walking away with a beer in hand, skipping, and yelling out “fuck yea” across traffic.  Said he was going to go take a dump at the closest government building and not in the bathroom.

We wish him well!

Timberlake Concert Cancelled, Replaced By Barrel O’ Monkeys

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Tickets too expensive!

Tickets too expensive!

Fargo, ND – The much-anticipated Justin Timberlake concert that was to be held in Fargo in February 2014 has been cancelled due to high ticket prices. Fargodome officials are planning on making the announcement later this week.

The concert, which was to happen on February 7, 2014 at first seemed like a great fit for the Fargo-Moorhead area. “Since most friendly folks here have televisions, they’ve seen Justin Timberlake on various broadcast shows such as Saturday Night Live and feel like they know the guy.” said Greg Chambers of the Fargodome staff.

“When it was announced that the ticket prices were going to cost upwards of $800 per person, our jaws dropped to the floor as our eyes began filling with water. We knew this was going to be a big problem.”

Since North Dakotans are used to paying less than $75 per ticket to see a good performance, they knew a “Plan B” would need to be quickly devised. After much behind-the-curtains scrambling to find a replacement for the Justin Timberlake concert, a suitable alternative has now been found.

Barrel of monkeys

Barrel of monkeys

Miss Wenhoi Gao from Vietnam and her travelling Barrel of Monkeys will be entertaining the crowd on that night. Her agent and husband, Mr. Gao,  commented that “these monkeys very very funny and fun to watch! Miss Gao train monkeys to do many tricks and stunts, whole family will like, you buy ticket and come see!”

Tickets for this great event will be $5 for children, $10 for seasoned citizens, and $15 for adults. Mr. Chambers feels that these prices are much more in-line with the pocketbooks of people from this region. “Would you rather have a few people paying $800 to hear some silly songs or have the Fargodome completely full of people who get to see some monkeys do their thing for an average of $10 per ticket?”

How To Say A Useful Phrase In 10 Languages

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OMG! My hovercraft is full of eels!

OMG! My hovercraft is full of eels!

Eel River, Indiana – In the FM Observer’s on-going effort to bring you free, cutting-edge, continuing adult educational trainings, we take you to Eel River, Indiana where we’ve been invited to take a vicarious ride with Bob Scarponi on his air-cushioned hovercraft. There, wasn’t that fun?

Mr. Scarponi, who used to work in the Peace Corps, because he couldn’t find a real job, is fairly fluent in 10 languages and he has agreed to teach us all how to say a common and useful English phrase in all 10 languages.

{Tip: Being able to put on your résumé that you can speak 10 different languages can be a major plus when applying for a job.}

Growing up in Eel River, Bob says that finding fresh-water peacock eels on-board his watercraft has been a perennial problem, especially during the eel mating season when the little devils become much more aggressive.

So, without much more further ado, here are Mr. Bob Scarponi’s personal notes on how to say: “My hovercraft is full of eels!” in 10 different languages:

Cornish: Leun a sylli yw ow skath bargesi!
Dutch: Mijn luchtkussenboot zit vol paling!
German: Mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist voller Aale!
Korean: Nae hoebuhkeurapeuteuneun changuhro kadeuk cha isseyo!
Latin: Mea navis volitans anguillis plena est!
Shona: Hovercraft yangu yakazara nemikunga!
Somali: Huufarkarafkayga waxaa ka buuxa eels!
Swahili: Gari langu linaloangama limejaa na mikunga!
Welsh: Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn llyswennod!
Zulu: Umkhumbi wami ugcwele ngenyoka zemanzini!

Look for more up-coming educational trainings offered to you free-of-charge by the FM Observer. Some possible future topics may include: 1. How to defend yourself in court, 2. Painting rocks to look like candy, and 3. Joining a cult to enrich your personal confidence.

Christian Ponder Excited to Study Under Starting QB Matt Cassel

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Christian-Ponder-at-KFANMankato, MN—Minnesota Vikings organized team activities (OTAs) have officially gotten underway at Winter Park. No one player is as excited as Christian Ponder. Ponder is treating OTAs as a prime opportunity to learn from Vikings starting quarterback, Matt Cassel.

“Studying the moves of a proven veteran like Matt will prove invaluable to me in the future if I ever get the chance to start again for the team.” Ponder said. “Matt is our guy now, and I know that. He’s a former Pro Bowler who’s won a ton of games in this league. I can’t wait to learn from him during camp and watch him play next season.”

Ponder knows that while coaches and even general manager Rick Spielman have labeled him starting quarterback going forward, that doesn’t mean anything in this cut-throat business:

“Our team was on the cusp of greatness last season. It makes all the sense in the world that they’d bring Matt in to get us over the hump.”

Ponder has been seen taking many of the first-team reps in camp so far this year. He attributes that to the Vikings’ solid backup plan, should Cassel go down:

“Coach Frazier had me taking most of the first-team snaps while Matt chilled on the bench. It’s a smart move, because I need to be ready in case Matt can’t play.”

Ponder has high hopes for his starting offense this season. He expects to take most of the reps as a starter up until the beginning of the regular season when games start to matter.

President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer

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Don't drool on me!

Don’t drool on me!

Arlington, VA – After addressing the nation during a somber Memorial Day service at Arlington National Cemetery, the ever-popular President Obama was jumped by a crazed, young Tea Party organizer.

Parker Cornell, of Hubert, North Carolina, successfully attempted to attack the president, in spite of a number of Secret Service agents who were surrounding the president at the time.

After jumping onto President Obama’s upper chest, young Parker quickly grabbed and scratched the president’s nose while drooling on his shirt.

Apparently Mr. Cornell (age 4.5 months) was upset about his Tea Party group being audited by the IRS, after the IRS had initially delayed the group’s application to become a tax-exempted 501(c)(4).

Parker’s parents told reporters that their son had been unusually quiet earlier that day and they had no idea of his planned presidential assault.

As a Class D felony, this crime is punishable by five to ten years in a federal prison, along with a maximum fine of $250,000.

When asked about this incident, young Parker held up a sign saying he cannot yet speak English. He also indicated that this would not be the last we hear from this young, right-wing zealot.

Fargo Man Arrested for Marijuana Instead of Concealed Deadly Weapon

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420timeshandcuffs_weed_small11Fargo, ND—The Observer has learned that a Fargo man was caught in possession of marijuana and a concealed weapon last night. Kenneth Noisewater was pulled over for running a red light on south University drive at about 9:45, according to a police report.

The officer noticed the odor of what he suspected was marijuana (a relatively harmless-but-illegal weed) and ordered a search of the vehicle. The vehicle search revealed a baggie containing marijuana, (a plant that, if smoked, gets you kind of high but has never ever killed anybody but can get you into a lifetime of trouble with the law, your family and your employer or future employer if you are caught in possession of it) a misdemeanor offense and a 9mm semi-automatic handgun (a highly dangerous weapon, responsible for literally thousands of violent deaths per year which is totally legal to carry if you have a permit).

The officer was then able to arrest Kenneth for possession of marijuana (a drug that Kenneth and millions upon millions of other humans use to feel good, relax, even relieve chronic pain and again, is responsible for ZERO deaths. A person could argue that a concealed handgun is 10x more dangerous than a concealed sack of hippie lettuce and that person would be correct 100% of the time) but there were no charges filed for the licensed 9mm handgun (a brutal instrument manufactured specifically for the purpose of inflicting severe physical harm, most often resulting in death. If a criminal were to hold a loaded gun in one hand and a loaded ganja pipe in the other, i’m guessing he could do far more damage with the gun than the pot but please, let me know if you ever see a masked man use a loaded water bong to rob a 7-11 and I will gladly retract that statement).

Law enforcement proudly removed another bag of grass from the streets while the deadly weapon remained in circulation.

Time Traveler To Speak In Fargo 14 Months Ago

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Who am I?

What year is it?

Fargo, ND – Time traveler Vern Milton will be giving a talk on time travel on Wednesday, November 21, 2012. This informal gathering in the NDSU Student Union lounge will be Vern’s personal thoughts on what it’s like to be a bona fide time traveler. His must-hear lecture will then be followed by an extensive Question & Answer period. Free hot coffee and powdered donuts will be served by the Physics Department.

If you have any questions for Mr. Milton about time travel, please be sure to jot them down and attend this special happening. Vern said that he did the same event, at the same venue, back in 1956 and 1975 where he had good exchanges of thoughts on this subject with some very interested students from the region. He admitted: “The people I spoke with in 1975 were quite a bit more open-minded about time traveling than back in ’56.”

Since he has seen it all before, here are some of the questions Vern answered back during his previous visits to Fargo:

Q: Being a time traveler, do you have any words of wisdom for us?
A: Yes. If you have something you need to get done, don’t wait until tomorrow to do it.

Q: Are you married, and if so, how does your wife feel about all this?
A: Well, I’ve gotten married a number of times…all to the same woman. She always seems happy to see me again.

Q: Do you have any control over your time travel?
A: About as much control as you do over the stock market.

Q: Can you tell us anything about the future?
A: No, not much, because that might alter the future. But I can tell you that North Dakota continues to do very well!