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The Fargo DMV Is In A Terrible Location

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fargo_dmvFargo, ND – The DMV is the last place one wants to be…..ever.  I’d rather be swimming in pig shit than be waiting in line at the dmv.  If having to enter the gates of hell dmv didn’t make your life miserable enough, Fargo decides to stick the dmv between a bus stop and a temporary employment agency.  I’ll tell you why this is a terrible location and where the dmv should be located.

The DMV is a test to everyone’s patience in that if you don’t feel like murdering at LEAST 10 people by the time you walk out and get to your car, your visit is considered a success.  One of the reasons you may feel like a murdering psychopath after entering the gates of hell dmv is that they require you to pay them in ways 90% of society doesn’t fucking pay people anymore, CASH and CHECK ONLY.  Cash, ok maybe i’ll be a little lenient on this one because cash is cash.  Still, not many people carry cash anymore but checks?  Fucking checks?  That alone is a huge red flag that they are there to torment you into submission.  There are various other reasons the DMV sucks that I don’t have to mention but I think the polls are in and the consensus is….

THE DMV GOES TO THE GREATEST LENGTHS HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO WASTE YOUR DAY.

Now onto the location.  The location of the Fargo DMV is immediately next to a bus depot.  That’s cool, buses are cool, what’s not fucking cool is shady people hanging around staring at you or your car.  So now not only do I have to worry about how bad the DMV will try and rape me I have to worry about possibly getting robbed.  Why not?  Seems like it would be pretty easy to break into my car, steal my Very Best of: David Hasselhoff cd, and hop on the bus to never neverland while I’m waiting inside ripping my eyes out wondering how long my ass will hurt.

Here is my proposal of where the location of the DMV should be.

Welcome to the Fargo DMV

The Fargo DMV should be located smack dab in the middle of a hospital and a shooting range.  This way, after leaving the dmv, you can walk right next door to the friendly hospital where they will repair your raped and mutilated ass for a small fee of 20 thousand dollars.  Next, walk on over the shooting range for some good wholesome target practice.  This will relieve your frustrations and send you home calm while forgetting the torment you just had to endure and the pain you are feeling in your ass.

Man Moves Out Of Womb After 28 Years

Child Moves Out After 28 Years–In the Womb!

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Fargo, ND – In a story that has the scientific community completely baffled, Gary “Gum Gum” Jackson, a full-grown 28 year old man, decided to finally move out of his mothers womb.

It’s been 28 long, relaxing years but Gary has decided it’s time to fly the utero.  Gary has been freeloading it inside his mothers womb for a loooong time.  He has had a relaxing, stress free life.  Living expenses have been virtually nonexistent and he didn’t have to pay for food what with that umbilical cord channeling it directly into him and all. Mom’s giant hoop earrings even beamed a picture-perfect DirecTV satellite feed onto that giant chasm of a uterine wall.  The only inconvenience he had was his dad’s (or thought was his dad’s) penis jabbing at him every now and then.  That is a small price to pay for this kind of lifestyle.

The other day, ol’ Gum Gum decided he’d had enough and slithered out of that mushy crevice and into functioning society. With a shivery cry, Gum Gum was officially born unto the world. Gary doesn’t know what his future holds but said he has moved into his parent’s basement and plans to stay there for quite some time.  When asked what he won’t change now that he’s out, he replied, “Nude.  I’m going to stay completely nude.”

West Fargo High School Principal to Step Down and Pursue River Dancing Career

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West Fargo, ND – Gary Clark has been a member of the West Fargo school administration for a number of years now.  Soon this will come to an end as Gary Clark will step down to pursue his river dancing career.

For years, Mr. Clark’s skills as a world class river dancer have laid dormant as he pursued his teaching career.  These skills have gone to waste.  Nobody knew his talents.  Family, teachers, the very kids he taught had no idea of Mr. Clarks remarkable river dancing abilities.  As time would pass, Mr. Clark began feeling more and more restless.  Longing for something more, he knew he had a calling.  Over the past couple years Mr. Clark has been honing his river dancing skills in secret and he says he is ready to take the stage by storm.

Gary Clark seen here river dancing.

Effective May 23rd, Gary Clark will retire once again from the West Fargo School Administration to pursue his river dancing career.  He can be seen on the U.S. Riverdance Tour this summer and will be teaching private and party lessons after the tour ends.

 

free candy halloween fargo

Fargo Pedophiles Feeling Left Out This Halloween Season

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free candy halloween fargo

Why go here when you can go door-to-door?

It’s a somber, sad, and gloomy month for area pedophiles as Halloween is around the corner. Lately, you can see all their vans parked lonesomely in the shadows.

The beautiful month of October is upon us. Vivid colors of orange, gold, red, and brown leaves fall slowly to the ground.  The crisp cool air is a reminder that winter is near. Pumpkins, witches, and ghosts decorations fill the yards of area homes.

What a great and exciting month October is for us, isn’t for area pedophiles.  The Halloween season has been cutting into pedophiles pedophiling time.  Kids are no longer interested in talking to old creepy men offering free candy as they know at the end of the month, free pillow loads of candy await them.

Some area pedophiles have petitioned to allow their candy giving vans to be considered a house or place of residence on the day of Halloween. This will allow them to park up and down the streets in broad day light with signs such as, “Candy Canes For Wieners.”

Others have sunk so low as to not even offer candy anymore.  One area pedophile has started offering a Halloween costume fitting room.

This privately parked pederast can only gaze longingly as parents keep close guard of their children

We can only hope the pedophile business continues to suffer long after the month of October.  However, it will be interesting to see how they adapt in the future.  Police are urging parents to communicate with their children that Halloween costume fitting rooms are not located in vans and to stay away.

Man Arrested In Moorhead Assault Says His Affliction Shirt Is To Blame

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Moorhead, MN – Earlier this month, a man was arrested for assault and sexual assault for attacking a woman in downtown Moorhead.

Douchebag

Richard Haaland, age 46, was arrested at his home after a video near the crime scene identified Haaland as the suspect of the alleged assault which happened on the morning of September 6th near Main Avenue and 5th Street.

Richard Haaland is claiming that it was not he himself that committed the crime but was his Affliction shirt he was wearing at the time that sexually assaulted the women.

Haaland might actually have a case.  Affliction shirts have been known to be worn by men who are afflicted with a disease called douche-baggary.

Haaland has been admitted to the hospital where he is under going various tests to see if his disease is actually to blame for the crime.  It is being advised that all men refrain from wearing affliction t-shirts to reduce your risk of contacting the douche-baggary disease.

Area Homeless Angry Over Mars Rover Landing

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little bud

little buddy

Fargo, ND – What a world we live in! The nerds over at NASA and people across the globe watched as the last 10 years of astrophysics engineering came to fruition early this morning with the landing of the Mars rover, “Curiosity”. The last 10 or so years was a marathon of software computations, physics formulas and jet propulsion engineering which resulted in the placement of Curiosity smack dab in the middle of the Mars landscape.

This has the homeless community outraged. The needy are wondering why the hell the Salvation Army building downtown cannot afford central air conditioning but meanwhile, millions of dollars of federal grant money is being fed to a program dedicated to a planet millions of miles away from where our real problems exist: Earth. Moorhead-area hobo Trevor Sands had this to say during a protest outside of the Moorhead planetarium:

“I’m sleepin’ outside under a heap of shit-covered blankets in the winter because I can’t get health insurance to buy pills that keep the goddamn demons out of me. How much you think puttin’ some damn 4-wheeler on the surface of Mars cost? Probably a lot more than a year’s supply of demon pills, brother. Change? Spare change??”

Sands then showed me the devil carving on his forearm he made using a plastic butter knife that he claimed the “Mars buggy demons” are responsible for. The Observer wishes the homeless best of luck getting demon pill grant money during these trying times.

Famed Downtown Fargo Garbage Peddler Pete Wrigley, Jr– Robbed!

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Fargo, ND – A smelly-looking friend of the Observer is in need of some help. Pete Wrigley, Jr. (remember him from this article) came to the Observer with some rather troubling news–his float boat rust bucket was just robbed! A frantic Wrigley showed up at the doorstep of the FM Observer headquarters (The Empire bar) looking haggard. His brow wet with sweat. He yanked me off my barstool and exclaimed “Some random crackhead stole one of my kneeboards from m’boat!!” I couldn’t believe it.

The mood went from suspicious to somber in an instant. We both stormed outside and into the parking lot only to find Pete’s rustmobile sans one of his kneeboards. I knew right then that I had to enlist the help of our loyal readers. Please, study the picture above to get a good mental picture of Pete, his greasy hairdo, his creaky old vessel, and most importantly, his kneeboard. IF YOU SEE A RANDOM CRACKHEAD CARRYING AROUND A SIMILAR-LOOKING KNEEBOARD, NOTIFY THE OBSERVER IMMEDIATELY.