Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

Downtown Fargo Adding Another Bar In An Attempt To Increase Crime And Number Of Drunks

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Downtown Fargo needs more bars to truly be considered a bona fide Drunkfest.

Fargo, ND – As if there wasn’t already enough crime and drunks in the Downtown Fargo area, the addition of a new bar should get those social parameters up to acceptable levels.

Instead of adding much-needed parking spaces, the presence of a brand new bar called Cobweb Jocks will provide Downtown Fargo with the amount of crime and number of drunks it seeks to become a world-class party locale.

“Just like going to a hockey game, what people enjoy the most is seeing drunken fights late at night,” says one late-night bloody-nosed drunk guy who just got done being in a fight.

Coupled with the fact that the Fargo Police headquarters is being relocated from Downtown Fargo to two miles west, people who have chosen to live in Downtown Fargo will soon be nicely surprised by the additional amount of exciting late-night activity happening in their hip-hop hot spot.

Lots Now Being Sold Around West Fargo Lagoon

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Artist’s drawing of how the West Fargo Lagoon is expected to look in twenty years.

West Fargo, ND – What are expected to be beautiful lots someday, are being sold today around the West Fargo lagoon.

Imagine yourself cruising around this future West Fargo lake in your brand new pontoon.

This former sewage lagoon will soon be home to a loon and perhaps a raccoon.

They say it will eventually smell as fresh as a day in June, perhaps more so during a full moon rather than at high noon.

But the advantages of living in an upscale lagoon commune just North of town is it’s walking distance to the West Fargo saloon.

If you think you’d be immune to living on a former lagoon, simply contact the tycoon whose office is under a balloon.

Jimmy Kimmel Being Investigated For Using Unlicensed Monkey To Prepare His Taxes

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Jimmy Kimmel’s attorney allegedly paid this monkey $130,000 to prepare Jimmy Kimmel’s tax return.

Hollywood, CA – Comedy King Jimmy Kimmel, who once claimed that he used a dog to prepare his tax return, has now been told he’s being investigated for allegedly using an unlicensed monkey to do his tax work.

Tax auditors admit the monkey is a hard worker and has built quite the monkey business; basically, whenever there’s work to be done, if monkey see it, monkey do it.

Mr. Kimmel is trying to defend his actions by claiming the monkey is considered family, as Kimmel is supposedly the monkey’s uncle.

New Driverless Motorcycles Expected To Make Roads Safer

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Driverless motorcycles are way safer than cars driven by texting drivers.

La Honda, CA – A new line of motorcycles just introduced by Honda will be able to drive themselves.

Soon, along with driverless cars and buses, expect to be seeing driverless motorcycles on your highways and byways.

Honda’s first model of driverless motorcycles is called The Headless Horseman, which is considered to be the world’s first smartcycle.

These amazing new motorcycles can start themselves, drive themselves, as well as park and refuel if necessary.

Tests have shown that The Honda Headless Horseman is infinitely safer than a car or bus operated by a drunk or distracted driver, and Honda is sure we all agree this is a very good thing.

Kids Warned Against Playing Outside During Nice Summer Months

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Don’t let your kids play outside because it’s probably the worst thing they can do.

Fair Play, TX – The American Safety Society is warning parents to warn their children to not play outside this summer.

“Inside the house is where you should play, for sure at night and also during the day,” raps Dr. Daisy Eplin, who currently presides over the American Safety Society.

Dr. Eplin goes on: “Research shows that going outside to play, on a beautiful summery day, is tantamount to eating sugary snacks, while sitting on railroad tracks.”

According to American Safety Society documentation, the many benefits of keeping your kids indoors include: higher IQ, increased tech savviness, fewer broken bones, less chance of bug bites and getting kidnapped, less bullying, improved self esteem, and better social networking skills.

Ironically, all the letters in Daisy Eplin can safely be re-arranged to spell: Play Inside!

To Show Respect, They’re Leaving Barbara Bush On The One Dollar Bill

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First Lady Barbara Bush will happily remain on the one dollar bill until further notice.

Washington, DC – Out of respect for former First Lady Barbara Bush, the Treasury Department has instructed the Federal Reserve to keep her picture on the one dollar bill, as it has been for decades.

As sitting Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin believes we need to stand up and keep honoring former First Lady Barbara Bush by leaving her picture on the dollar bill where she has gracefully been since the Reagan administration.

President Trump, who might have had something to do with this decision, agrees that leaving Barbara Bush on the dollar bill is the right thing to do, while adding: “Someday soon, I would like to see Melania on some of our money, and I think most would agree that would be a really great thing!”

Fargo Family Finds Gold Bars Inside Walls Of Their Newly Purchased Older Home

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Walls filled with gold bars found in North Fargo home.

Fargo, ND – After purchasing an older home in North Fargo for about $240,000, Mr. Dell Glawson and his dear wife Goldie decided to remodel their older home by knocking out a few of the main floor walls.

In going for that more “open-concept” look, two of the old walls dividing the kitchen and living room had to be removed, which they chose to do themselves.

What Mr. Dell Glawson and his lovely wife Goldie soon discovered inside their walls was shiny gold bars stacked from floor to ceiling.

Based on the current price of gold, it is estimated that the gold they found in their walls is worth about $24 million dollars, or almost exactly 100 times more than the purchase price of their older home.

Ironically, Goldie’s Chinese fortune cookie the night before their big discovery predicted: “Mega-wealth will soon come a-knocking.”

Double ironically, all of the letters in Dell Glawson can be remodeled to spell: Golden Walls!

Sign Up To Join The FMO Birthday Club For Only $100

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For a mere $100, you will enjoy all the perks of being a proud member of the FMO Birthday Club.

West Fargo, ND – Are you a person who has a birthday and who likes to have fun? Have you been looking for a way to make perfunctory birthdays more functory?

May we suggest that you join the FM Observer Birthday Club by sending us all of your personal identifying information, along with $100 for shipping and handling.

From there, the possibilities are endless!

On or near your birthday, you may receive a personal call or visit from The Pope who might even give you a free rosary, and show you different cool things you can do with it!

We may do a satirically fake-news post about you on our website and unleash it to go viral in South Dakota!

You possibly could get any number of hot pizzas delivered to your current GPS location and/or multiple singing telegrams by entire robed church choirs!

Your name might be entered into a drawing to travel with us to Goosey Goosey Island for an endless bonfire weekend where you may be taught our secret double handshake and possibly be given your very own emergency whistle.

By joining the FMO Birthday Club for only $100, you could maybe win a lifetime supply of some random items selected especially for you.

Finally, for any new and fully-paid members to the FMO Birthday Club, you will not only be invited to go to the Humane Society and select yourself a free puppy, but you will also get to name it and keep it for the rest of your lives!

New Starbucks Bathroom Policy Welcomes All

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If you need a bathroom now, now think Starbucks!

Seattle, WA – After undergoing some much needed racial sensitivity training, Starbucks Coffee has come up with a new bathroom policy for all its locations across the country.

Starbucks new Open Door bathroom policy will let anyone use any of their three bathrooms at any time.

The fine print of their new Open Door policy does have a few additional clauses worth noting:

A. You must be carrying in your hand a recently purchased Starbucks coffee with you, along with your receipt, or

B. You must either be a Starbucks employee or be close personal friends with someone who is currently working at that particular location, or

C. You have been pre-approved to do so by joining the Starbucks Bathroom Club and are currently wearing your Starbucks Bathroom Club button with its scannable barcode.

Full Disclosure: Sean Hannity And Michael Cohen Are Brothers From Another Mother

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DNA proves Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are half brothers from different mothers.

New York, NY – Thanks to porn star Stormy Daniels, we have now found out that Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are brothers from another mother.

According to DNA evidence, both men had the same father but each was from a different mother.

Sean Hannity’s maternal DNA points to Margaret Thatcher whilst Michael Cohen’s mother most likely is Janet Reno.

Both women had secret affairs with William F. Buckley Jr. who is then by default believed to be the father of both men.

According to our legal team, since Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are half brothers, their conversational communications should then have been protected by the brother-brother family privacy privilege, and therefore not admissable in a court of law, so help them God.