Category Archives: Recipes For Success

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One Of The Most Anticipated Ads During The Super Bowl Is For ‘The Super Bowl’

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The new “Super Bowl” toilet is being called American-sized for customers who might have a slight problem with obesity.

Flushing Meadows, NY – As millions of football fans watch Super Bowl 51, even more people will be tuning in to see the much-anticipated batch of advertisements during the game.

One ad that many will be watching for features the world’s largest toilet now available for public use.

It is simply called The Super Bowl.

This mammoth-sized toilet has been specially designed for large Americans who may be trying to qualify for the show The Biggest Loser.

Its associated plunger (which is included free of charge) is supposedly the size of a tractor hubcap.

The Super Bowl is intended for clients ranging in size from 600 to 2,600 pounds and is guaranteed not to crack under such extreme weights.

The Super Bowl Toilet Company kindly suggests using a common roll of paper towels as an adjunct to their fine product.

After Trump Converts To Mormonism, He Plans To Add Another First Lady

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The awkward moment when the First Lady learned she might play Second Fiddle.

Washington, DC – It has somehow been leaked that President Trump may soon use an executive order to add another First Lady to the White House after his anticipated upcoming conversion from Presbyterian to Mormonism.

Now we know what all the meetings with Mitt Romney were about. Mormons allow polygamy which would fly in the face of conventional past presidential protocol but President Trump has already been full of surprises.

Many suspect that this may be why First Lady Melania Trump has indicated that she will continue living in Trump Tower so that Donald’s additional wife (or wives) can call the White House home and thus reduce the chances of any cat fights (which would actually make for great ratings on the new White House reality show).

Sunday morning pundits are already wondering if a president’s second wife would be called Second Lady or perhaps First Lady 2.0, and so on, and so forth.

UND Offering Classes On How To Wake Up And Get Out Of Bed

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UND’s new WAKE UP & GET UP program is like “trying to push a rope”.

Grand Forks, ND – The University of North Dakota has decided to offer special classes for its students on how to literally wake up and physically get out of bed.

After noticing that a majority of students were not attending early morning classes, school officials came up with the novel idea of teaching how to effectively wake up and get up especially during the hibernatory months of winter.

Ms. Camari Greer who is Acting Vice Chancellor of the Student Affairs Relations Commission tells us that sleeping in during classes is “a threat to our democracy” and “must be properly addressed in no uncertain terms”.

We asked some random students some random questions and got some very random answers:

Thiago Gawkroger who is supposedly studying Social Calculus admits to missing at least a functional derivative of his classes because “they’re just too darn early in the morning! To make it to my 9:50 class, I’d have to wake up by nine o’clock!”

Valentina Jaxon who’s planning on majoring in Art History and Art Garfunkel says that since the very first class which she did attend (but fell asleep in), she has not made it to any of the other lectures which start at 8:20 AM.

Questions for follow-up small-group discussions:
1. What do you think about this somnolent situation?
2. How do you feel about teaching classes to wake up?
3. What would you do if you were the Acting Vice Chancellor?
4. If you only had one year to live, what would you do?
5. What advice would you give yourself three years ago?
6. Is there something important you need to tell your family?
7. What’s stopping you from reaching your full potential?
8. What do you see yourself doing in 80 years?
9. What do you need to eat less of and why?
10. What are your inner voices telling you to do right now?

Large School Bus Full Of Illegal Aliens To Pass Between Earth And Moon

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This is possibly the first of many busloads of illegal aliens trying to enter the U.S. by flying in over the new Trump Wall.

Moonshine, Illinois – Top scientists from our top-notch science department are warning that a large school bus believed to be full of illegal aliens will be passing between the Earth and the Moon soon.

It is not known who if anyone is drinking while driving this bus nor whether or not it will be just passing on through, making subsequent secondary passes, or perhaps even make a stop for supplies and maby even an extended visitation without representation.

The well-respected Dr. Goytam Tesfalem believes that these so-called illegal aliens might even be trying to 1. either leave this sector to escape paying back taxes, or 2. use the space bus to get over the Trump Wall and freely enrolled in Obamacare.

Spaceologists are wanting to point out that the space-travelling busload of alien freeloaders will be visible during upcoming night skies and there is even a chance they may land in your back yard so you might want to stock up on a variety of refreshments so as to be prepared and not seem like you didn’t expect to be having some unexpected guests drop in directly from space, the penultimate frontier.

Local Youth Has Read Every Book In The Fargo Public Library

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Sopan Talleen waits for the Fargo Public Library to get some new books for him to read.

Fargo, ND – A young speed reader who challenged himself to read every book in the Fargo Public Library just announced that he has accomplished his goal.

Sopan Talleen is his name and reading a lot of books is his game.

Sopan is a twelve year old Mensa student who was discovered to be a natural speed reader at a very young age.

His parents recall that at the ripe age of four, Sopan precociously read the entire Hobbit and Lord of the Rings four-book box set in one week and with amazing comprehension.

Without ever taking any speed reading instruction, young Sopan reads an estimated 30,000 words per minute.

Now all young Sopan Talleen says he needs to do is simply “read all the new books that regularly enter the library which should keep me totally up-to-date on all the latest information that I need to know”.

New Fargo Religious Radio Station To Broadcast Only In Tongues

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New Fargo religious radio station is WHAT AM1770

Fargo, ND – Soon to hit the airwaves of the Fargo-Moorhead area will be a new religious radio station which might be rather difficult to understand for some.

All of the on-air personalities will be speaking in tongues, which is believed to be a divine religious language of yesteryear that is completely foreign to the speaker.

Some people supposedly have the gift of speaking in tongues while others have the complimentary gift of being able to understand these vocalized speech-like syllables.

For the rest of us, listening to someone speaking in tongues may simply sound like the Tower Of Babble from which most cannot derive any readily comprehensible meaning.

The man who had the brilliant idea for this new radio station is Dr. Peter Glossolalia, a lifelong member of the Pentecostal church.

We caught up with Peter to ask him about this new radio station. Here is Dr. Peter Glossolalia in his own words: “Oldah ugal fafa ni nas baas uk oon ahd oob usuc de e miid adda ca adi aanye ba allib!”

The new radio station’s call letters are WHAT?! which can soon be heard (but perhaps not understood) at AM 1770.

FMO’s Public Service Announcements For The Fortnight Of January 24 To February 7

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Contact FMO’s PSA Department if you have something to add to our next PSA listing.

West Fargo, ND – Here are your Public Service Announcements offered freely and voluntarily from the FM Observer for the weeks of January 24 to February 7 in no particularly discernable order:

☺Clem Erdman has begun selling Acme cleaning products that are almost guaranteed to be the best cleaning products you have ever boughten [sic] from a sidewalk salesman.

☺The Job Training Centre will be offering free instruction for the following jobs: Chimney Sweeps, Sewer Inspectors, High-Altitude Window Washers, Grave Diggers, and Paralegals.

☺Martha Wippler has a decorative vase that she would like to give to a good home. She says it was given to her by her aunt Betsy Maye who went to Korea in search of an adoptee.

☺Dawn Slanders will be hosting a live cooking demonstration at the former Piggly Wiggly grocery store. Dawn will be sharing her secrets on how to make toast.

☺The Family Walk-In Clinic is planning a free seminar on what to do with your pain medications that have passed their expiration date.

☺Stanley Flash needs someone to help him figure out how to use the new smartphone which was recently sent to Stan by his son Jumpin’ Jack.

☺Is your gambling problem causing problems at home? Join a roundtable discussion group which meets at the Black Jack tables in the Bamboo Lounge every Thursday night from 8 until midnight.

☺Debi Tica has 30 cases of Diet Coke for sale for only $2 per case after Debi recently got diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.

☺Now that the spring melt has begun, Ernie Munnie needs someone to clean up his back yard where his dog Biscuits spends a lot of time barking at nothing.

☺The Integration Institute will be teaching English as a second language specifically for people from Somalia. Baro inaad Ingiriisi wax wanaagsan ku hadal.

☺Euell Eskelson has a few openings for ukelele lessons. Euell claims he can teach anyone to play ukelele like a pro in less than a year.

☺The Caregiver Support Group will be having a wine tasting party featuring 18 wines from the Upper Midwest region. Participants will be invited to vote for their top ten favorite wines.

President Trump To Make Salvation Army Part Of U.S. Military

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Salvation Army to join U.S. Military per President Trump.

Trump Tower, NY – On Day One of his presidency, President Donald Trump stuck to his campaign promise to make the Salvation Army an equal member of the United States Military.

“This is going to be huge, folks, trust me, it’s going to be great,” uttered the in-coming president.

“Now bell ringers with guns will be able to ring their bells and forcibly collect money all over the world.”

A surprised spokesman for the Salvation Army was overheard in the bathroom saying that “this all has come as quite a shock to both the leadership and rank & file workers of the Salvation Army. I most certainly hope we are all somewhat trained in the use of guns and one-on-one personal self-defense combat fighting!”

A spokeswoman for the new Trump Administration recently announced that each and every existing fricking governmental…
1. department, 2. agency, 3. division, and 4. bureaucracy
will first be…
1. reviewed, 2. interviewed, and 3. analyzed
and then either…
1. downsized, 2. amalgamated, or 3. completely eliminated.

Editor’s Note: Obviously, in the case of the Salvation Army, it is being amalgamated.

Volunteers Needed To Test New Bullet-Proof Jackets

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If you volunteer to test a jacket, and everything “goes well”, you get to keep the jacket for free!

West Fargo, ND – Security Test Labs is seeking more volunteers to help test out some new bullet proof jackets poised to soon hit the market.

Volunteers will be compensated for their time and trouble but must first sign a disclaimer form prior to any testing sessions.

The disclaimer states that Security Test Labs is not responsible for any testing sessions that do not go well.

Now to the exciting part!

Here are the guns that will be used to test these new bullet-proof jackets:

The Sig Spartan Molon Labe 1911, the Ruger Blackhawk and Redhawk, the Glock 22, the Colt Python, and the Kimber Warrior.

As the picture caption indicates, anyone who wears a test jacket and survives being shot at by each of the aforementioned six guns, will be invited to keep the jacket at no cost to you. Consider it a gift from Security Test Labs.

Successful volunteers will also receive a free gift basket which includes: a free $100 gift card to IHOP, a free lifetime subscription to Guns & Ammo magazine, and of course, a free bottle of Xanax.

Fargo Teen Accidentally Creates An Actual Wormhole In His Bedroom

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Fargo wormhole proves Einstein’s theory.

Fargo, ND – While working on his school project for the upcoming Science Fair, a Fargo teenager somehow created an actual wormhole in his bedroom.

As we all know, a wormhole is a shortcut to another point in the space-time continuum offering a shorter distance between two vastly separated areas of the universe.

Daron Bainbridge, a sophomore at Fargo’s new Carlmont High School, now knows that wormholes are no longer just a theoretical hypothesis predicted by Einstein’s theory of general relativity.

Daron Bainbridge in his own words: “While tinkering around with some information I was reading about the Einstein-Rosen bridge, all of a sudden I was staring at a tunnel-like connection into spacetime right next to my frickin bed!”

Daron’s Physics teacher, Dr. Markus Lyberth: “Daron is a good student who is always trying to put various ideas together in different ways. Creating a wormhole is not only remarkable, especially at his young age, but at the same time can be quite dangerous due to the possibility of sudden collapse of the wormhole, not to mention radioactivity, along with coming in contact with exotic anti-matter heretofore unbeknownst to mankind.”