Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

How To Tell If A Bird Has The Bird Flu

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SuperFLUous Bird

Birdeye, Arkansas – With the Avian Flu starting to spread its nasty wings, it might be helpful for us all to know the signs of a Sick Bird.

After months and months of careful research, the FM Observer has put together a fairly long short-list of the most common ways to identify a bird that may be carrying the dreaded Bird Flu:

1. Flies into walls and windows at full speed.
2. Just generally looks kind of “koo-koo.”
3. Spontaneous dry heave-tweeting.
4. Sits in bird bath eating off-brand chicken soup.
5. Calls in sick multiple times a day.
6. Uses too much beak lotion.
7. Unusual bleeding from the eyes.
8. Tries to mate with its own reflection.
9. Refers to all other birds as “Harold.”
10. Sings “Smoke On The Water” instead of its normal birdsong.
11. Nest is made entirely of Doritos.
12. Incessantly posts bird flu jokes on its Twitter account.
13. Repeatedly steals the Jehovah’s Witness propaganda from your doorknob.
14. Flies into a pharmacy looking for XanaX.
15. It flu North, when all its friends flew South.

If you notice a sickly bird manifesting any of these signs, first try not to panic, then immediately call your local Avian Flu Response Center Association and mention the Promo Code KTG723JWSKFYS3V2M.

Montana Pipe Dream A Religious Experience

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Old Man Hubbard

Helena, Montana – On this day in history, a veterinarian named James W. Hubbard (just call me “Jim”) would meet the love of his life, one young Philena “Jane” Potter.

Jim and Jane would then, soon after, adopt a young boy named Henry August Wilson, who would later change his legal name to Harry Ross Hubbard.

Harry, while working for the military in Nebraska, one day met a lovely teacher named Miss Ledora May Waterbury.

Together they had a boy whom they named Lafayette Ronald Hubbard. As a youngster, Lafayette loved spending time reading cheap fiction and visiting his grandfather back in big sky Montana.

While looking up at all the stars on Saturday nights, Grandpa Jim would make up crazy stories for young Lafayette about aliens from other planets while sitting around a campfire, smoking a peace pipe with their blood-brother Blackfeet Native American friends.

The next morning, the Hubbard family would all attend church together while young Lafayette was still stoned from smoking the Blackfoot peace pipe. Every time the pastor, who had a bad lisp, would thay the word “Satan“, young stoned Lafayette thought he was thaying the word “Thetan“.

When he grew up into a man, Lafayette Ronald Hubbard would go on to write a book about all of his grandfather’s kooky stories, and turn it into the largest, successful, fake-religious cult in the history of mankind, and call it Scientology. And now you know, the rest of the story!

Drought-Stricken California Looking To Dip Into Swimming Pools

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You never miss the water till the well runs dry.

Drytown, CA – As California continues to suffer from its worst drought since their last bad drought, the California Water Authority is searching for ways to deal with the problem.

It’s so dry in California that the only way to do laundry is by bringing it to the dry cleaners.

The California Water Authority is considering using all public and private swimming pools as a major source of water.

Just in the greater Los Angeles area, there are at least 50,000 swimming pools with an average of 18,000 gallons of water per pool.

Jasmine Cogbill who heads up the California Water Authority says: “That alone would provide about 900 million gallons of water. Just imagine if we used water from swimming pools in the entire state of California.”

Some private swimming pool owners claim that the idea is half-baked. Jasmine Cogbill says to that: “Oh no, it’s fully baked!”

Vegas Casinos Ridding Roulette Of Number 23

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Roulette Wheel #23 is the most often hit number.

Roulette’s #23 is the most often hit number.

Las Vegas, NV – Most of the casinos in Las Vegas will soon be removing the number 23 from their Roulette wheels.

Enough people have finally figured out that 23 is the luckiest Roulette number, which is now starting to cause a problem for casinos that offer the game.

Roulette pit boss Lester Morton has been running the Roulette wheel for years and says: “Yeah, there seems to be something special about the number 23, especially around any full moon. The Roulette ball more often than not finds its way to that 23 slot. That’s why Michael Jordan chose that number for his basketball jersey. He knew that 23 was a lucky number.”

If you happen to be at a Las Vegas casino that still offers the 23, and it’s close to a full moon, you might want to give it a try. But don’t mention that you heard it here. In fact, we will soon be removing this post from the FM Observer website.

Burning Ban Does Not Include Throwing Lit Cigarettes Out Car Windows

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What’s the big deal about throwing a burning cigarette butt out a car window during a burning ban?

Fargo, ND – Moderate drought conditions in North Dakota are sparking burning bans to be implemented on both the state and county levels.

The extremely dry conditions due to Global Drying have precipitated government leaders to douse all fire-related activities until further notice.

So, using covered firepits for social gatherings, singing around the campfire, making bonfire s’mores, and controlled burns on windy days are now all considered to be unacceptable activities and could put you in the hot seat.

However, the tossing of burning cigarettes from cars is still an acceptable habit.

All drivers who smoke know that it would be such a disgusting inconvenience to have to put a smoke out in their clean unused ashtrays.

Throwing the last of a hot burning cigarette out the car window has never been considered to be littering or a potential fire hazard, even if it happens to roll off into a ditch full of parched dry brown grasses.

Cliff Uckerson says of this practice: “Yeah, it ain’t no big deal. Once I toss it out the window, it’s gone. I ain’t gunna see it again.”

With strict new burning bans going into place to prevent widespread fire disasters, it would be asking way too much to request that smokers discontinue the ritual of flicking their burning butts out the car window.

Miraculous ElderHaus Magically Cures Whatever Ails You

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ElderHaus to be torn down.

Moorhead, MN – It’s the oldest building in the motley city of Moorhead.

Known as just ElderHaus, everyone who’s ever stayed there claims it has magical powers to rid one’s body and mind of all sorts of ailments and afflictions.

Housemother Rigletta Azmoff has hosted ElderHaus for the last forty years.

“People seeking a cure to a wide range of physical and mental problems need only spend one night sleeping in ElderHaus. They usually pay whatever they can afford. Guests then simply go to bed and wake up feeling 100% fantastic! I’ve seen ElderHaus help with everything from Assburger Syndrome to Phlebitis.”

Unfortunately, ElderHaus will have to be demolished later this year due to a legal loophole in the Unaffordable Care Act.

Federal Regulator Ivan Nashtikov admits it’s too bad that the old building has to be razed but “the law’s the law.”

Fargo Starts New Program To Help Juveniles Avoid Jail

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Persuasion through Dissuasion

Fargo, ND – With the upwardly mobile trend of crime in Fargo due to Global Fracking, a new program is being started to dissuade area youth from landing themselves in jail and prison.

The program is called Incarcerational Detention Improves Obstinate Teenagers (or IDIOT).

Troubled teenagers who are heading in the “wrong direction” will hava chance to tangibly experience real-life jail living while wearing a bright pink uniform labeled IDIOT.

Nominations for participation in the IDIOT program can come from parents, teachers, police, or even anonymously.

Program enrollees will get to spend anywhere from 1-6 nights in jail depending on the roll of a dice. Program Director Jack Hammer believes: “By rolling a dice to determine the length of their stay, they begin to learn they’re no longer in control.”

Before graduating from the IDIOT program, each misguided youth will learn how to do laundry, sleep with the lights on, make their beds, make other’s beds, exercise upon waking, appreciate jail food, exist without television and smartphones, and be respectful of authority.

The New West Fargo Recycling Bins Are The Size Of A Hot Tub

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“It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s gigantic!”

West Fargo, ND – The new West Fargo recycling bins were delivered this last week. Obviously recycling is a good thing that everyone should be doing. But the size of these new recycling bins has many residents dumbfounded. Ours stands almost four feet tall, about two feet wide, and about a yard deep. Its outside dimensions put it at taking up roughly 23 square feet of garage space. It’s as high as our Honda Civic. So, just the size of it seems to be a problem, since they’re about the size of a refrigerator.

Residents are to put all recyclable materials in them including paper, newspapers, and cardboard, with nothing in plastic bags. I can just imagine what’s going to happen on one of their bi-weekly pickup days if there’s any sort of significant wind. If the wind is blowing from the West, the City of Fargo can expect a ton of loose paper to be blowing in from West Fargo.

At our home, since we’ve already been manually recycling for years, we don’t really need to keep our new giant mega-bin for its intended purpose. Since it’s large enough to sit in, I might fill ours with hot water and use it as a hot tub and maybe pull the top lid down for that authentic steam room effect. Since it has wheels, anyone with children or pets could use it as a fun wagon. Get everyone inside and pull them around the neighborhood for a co-mingled fun tour. Who wants to go on a Fun Tour? I do! I do!

FM Observer Donates Million Dollar Painting To Help Save Fargo’s Horse Park

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“Where The Horses Graze” by Amsterdam Douglass

West Fargo, ND – In a singular Herculean effort to raise money for the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park which has been hounded by special assessment fees and unpaid property taxes, the FM Observer has decided to donate a million dollar painting created by our very own Amsterdam Douglass in order to: 1. Help raise awareness of the financial problems that Fargo’s Horse Park has been having since its inception, and 2. To kick start a Fund Razor which would help raise funds to help kick start another subsequent Official Fund Razor which will be called Just Hold Your Horses.

Naturally, the first Fund Razor will be called The FM Observer To The Rescue To Help Save The Struggling North Dakota Horse Park In Fargo Fund Razor.

Most of the money raised in this initial Fund Razor would go toward: 1. Getting Fund Razor #2 off the ground, and 2. Trying to reach the ultimate goal of getting the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park in Fargo 1. Out of the doldrums, and 2. Back on track toward providing clean family fun where youngsters of all ages can learn the joy of betting on horse races, in order to prepare themselves for a lifetime of profitable gambling enjoyment.

If you would like to Meet & Greet the soon-to-be-famous Amsterdam Douglass and ask him questions about his million dollar painting, which is being donated to Fund Razor #1, simply show up, down by the Red River, under the Main Avenue bridge (which connects Fargo to Moorhead), about an hour after sunset, on any Friday night.

Large Sinkhole Creates New Minnesota Lake: Lots Selling Quickly

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Minnesota: The Land Of 10,001 Lakes

Sinkhole, MN – After a large sinkhole unexpectedly created a new lake in Northern Minisoda, realtors are wasting no time selling front row seats to the new gem.

The sinkhole, which is approximately 166 feet deep, naturally filled with early melting Spring snow due to Global Warming.

Geologist Marc Richlander: “It is rare that we get to witness what normally takes a million geological years to happen, and see it all unfold in a matter of mere weeks.”

Realtor Paddy Swanson: “Yes, we’ve already sold zero lots on the new Sinkhole Lake and are expecting to sell a lot more!”

Minnesota DNR Field Commander: “We are hoping to get Sinkhole Lake stocked with fish and zebra mussels as soon as possible.”