Tag Archives: fargo

May is National Awareness Month In Fargo

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b0a0a79a60472f47cff7e9d584bea7ebf47ecc3417e8f031520eef2abfbc451eFargo, ND—Do you or your loved ones suffer from a serious lack of awareness? Research shows that literally billions of Americans are completely unaware. The good news? There is help.

You must be wondering, “What can I do to raise awareness of awareness for Awareness®?” National Awareness Month (NAM) is a chance for everyone to raise awareness in their city. 

The community of Fargo-Moorhead in conjunction with the FM Observer is staging a handful of fun live events to help promote Awareness® awareness during the month of May:

  • NAM 5K Run/Walk, 7pm Saturday, May 3rd, starting at Dike North. Fargo’s first annual National Awareness Month 5K run/walk, sponsored by the FM Observer! Join us for a non-competitive foot race as we run, walk…hell, you can even crawl to raise Awareness®. $300 entry fee; $200 apiece if you bring a friend. Go to fmobserver.com/NAM5K to register. All proceeds go to FM Observer in support of Awareness®.public_awaren
  • MUSKRAT ORGY concert at Pete’s Panic Bunker, 7pm May 10th. $150 cover charge; free Awareness® headbands to be handed out at the door. All monetary proceeds go to FM Observer on behalf of Awareness®.
  • Men’s Class B National Tiddlywinks Tournament, weekend of May 18th-20th at Expressway Inn Convention Center. Come watch the B-league pros wink their tiddlies! The FM Observer and Awareness® representatives will be on hand to promote the state or condition of being aware. Come see us at the booth!
  • NAM Silent Auction/Bake Sale, 6pm May 29th at Fargo Legion Post 498 banquet room. Free-will monetary donations accepted at the door for our silent auction and homemade baked goods sale. We will be auctioning off a plethora of perceptive items. FM Observer staff will provide cupcakes! Contact us at fmobserver@gmail.com if you have an item you’d like to donate. Proceeds go to FM Observer solely for the promotion of–you guessed it–Awareness®. Get conscious with us!

We hope you’ll join us this month in the fight for Awareness®.

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No-Driver Taxis To Be Tested In Fargo-Moorhead

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Just imagine riding in a taxi that has no driver.

Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead area has been selected to be the main testing zone for some new No-Driver Taxis.

Driverless electric taxis were the brainchild of Jensen Torath of Stockton, California. Mr. Torath’s new No-Driver Taxis will soon be driving themselves around the Fargo-Moorhead area, hopefully taking people quickly and safely to their intended destinations.

The president of Torath Taxi Corporation says that his PRTs (Personal Rapid Transit vehicles) are precisely guided by the latest in GPS technology which works in conjunction with Google Maps. Mr. Torath tells folks to think of his No-Driver Taxis as “intelligent robots on wheels”.

This driverless taxi technology was first tested in the United Kingdom where all “the bugs” were gradually worked out. Now, they are coming back to the United States and Fargo-Moorhead is the lucky test area.

How exactly will it work, you ask? Once a Ride Request is put into the system from a person’s smart-phone, one of the driverless vehicles will swing by to pick up any waiting passengers, and then transport them to their exact destination coordinates.

How safe are they, you might wonder? “They are safe. They are very, very safe!” says Penny Nickels, the Safety Spokeswoman for Torath Taxi Corp. “We jokingly like to say that these new automated taxis are certainly safer than riding in a demolition derby with a drunk texting driver at the wheel. While their top speed is 60 feet per second, they certainly are fast enough to safely get out of the way of an on-coming freight train.”

If you and a few of your party people friends are out drinking some evening and would like a fun and free ride in a No-Driver Taxi, simply twitter a tweet to #HeadlessHorseman using your smart-phone. Then just wait a minute or two for one of the No-Driver Taxis to pick you up. Oh, and remember to fasten your safety harness in case there are any unexpected sudden starts or stops!

Man Takes ‘What Superhero Are You’ Quiz, Gets Batman, Attempts To Fly, Dies

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Batman_didn_t_make_it___sf__baytobreakers_by_renaudvisageFargo, ND—FBI Fargo Division confirms this morning that newly-christened local superhero Adam Noisewater, 22, took his own life yesterday by jumping from the top story of the big bank skyscraper downtown.

Upon searching Noisewater’s internet history (which happens to us ALL after we die, so try not to leave a digital trail of utter debauchery. Google searches of “bi-curious tranny Asians camel” most certainly WILL be read off during your funeral in front of your loved ones), investigators noted that a recently-visited sites log included participation in Buzzfeed’s popular “What Superhero Are You” quiz in addition to the online purchase of a Batman costume.

This critical data helped investigators easily piece together the events that led up to Noisewater’s death.

FBI agent Ralph Carswell explains: “Evidence collected by our detectives concludes that the deceased had taken one of those stupid quizzes that convinced him he was Batman which made him go so far as to buy a Batman outfit and attempt to jump off a tall building like the Dark Knight. Case closed.”

The deceased’s parents are preparing to file a mega-lawsuit against the original creators of Batman DC Comics, Christian Bale, Warner Brothers Studios Inc, Buzzfeed, his internet service provider, the inventor of the internet Al Gore, the computer manufacturer who built the computer he used to take the stupid Buzzfeed quiz, the online retail outlet who sold him the costume, the vehicle manufacturer of the car he drove to the building, the shoe company who made the shoes he wore on the way to the building, the bank building management, and finally, the elevator manufacturing company of the elevator he took to the top floor.

The Observer has also learned that Noisewater is now a front-running candidate for the 2014 Darwin Awards.

Man vaporized

Man Immediately Vaporized As He Stepped Outside

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Man vaporizedWest Fargo, ND – A West Fargo man says his neighbor was vaporized this morning.

Earlier this morning police received a call from a man who stated he just witnessed his neighbor being vaporized right before his eyes.

Roger was getting the paper outside this morning when he looked to the left and saw his neighbor immediately vaporize as he stepped outside. Leaving just his clothes behind.

“I looked left and POOF he was gone. Just gone. Once the sun hit him..he disappeared.”

Experts say this weird phenomenon is called “vaportification” and mostly happens in the upper Midwest areas such as Fargo, North Dakota. They say that sitting inside for months and months at a time will drain your body of vitamin c, vitamin d, and other important life ingredients.

“Once you step outside after hibernating so long and the sun hits your skin, it goes into a hyperbolic disistenization. This interacts with the giglictic dispotiosiscalictoma.  Once that happens, your bodies cells begin to klosiform. Due to the suns luminosity of≈ 98 lm/W efficacy, the surface temperature has to be just right for the serapatosas to coligulary follicular the phase of the klosiform. But get this, the milky way also plays a factor! It has to have a mean distance of absolute magnitude so the visual brightness can be on the same equatorial radius as earth.  Now, however, the north pole on earth has to have the same measurable rotational period as the axis of the pole dissemination.  That, is why this man instantly vaporized as he stepped outside.  Pretty easy to avoid.”

These vaporizations can happen to anyone.  Be very careful once spring arrives and you step outside after hibernating for 8 months. If you follow the experts explanation above, you will never be a vaporfication victim.

The police chief just made a statement that he would like to ban the sun and the milky way now and would like to implement a fine for anyone using the sun or being in the milky way. He stated he is an expert in this matter and everyone should listen to him.

Billy Bob Thornton Buys Haunted House Near Fargo, ND

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Billy Bob has found his new haunt.

Billy Bob finds a new haunt.

Moorhead, MN – Billy Bob Thornton said it was “destiny” when he came across an article describing a haunted house for sale in Moorhead, MN, located just across the river from Fargo, ND. The star, whose affinity for the macabre is well known, was quoted exclaiming, “Sheeet yeah, that place is straight-up Billy Bobscene, y’all.” He then proceeded to grab his pet Python, Fang, along with a bottle of whiskey and jump into his helicopter which whirred off into the night.

Apparently, Billy Bob has been looking for a unique home in the Red River Valley for months. After clinching the lead in FX’s upcoming series, Fargo, the actor began searching for what he called, “A place to dig in and develop my character’s roots. Plus, I gotta get that accent down, you know? I’m all southern-trailer-park-redneck and my character is northwoods-ax-murdery-dude. Hell’s bells.”

Moorhead locals near the notoriously wicked haunted house have mixed feelings about their quirky new neighbor. Area resident, Patty Berger said, “Well, when you’ve been living next door to Satan’s sanctuary, it’s hard to see how things could get much worse. Still, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, right? I guess all we can do is hope for the best. Some Hollywood kook who’d wear blood around his neck might be just creepy enough to scare out those damned demons. God help us if he can’t do it.”

Billy Bob's House

Haunted house

Reps for Mr. Thornton would not confirm the actor’s current whereabouts, but sightings have been reported in and around Fargo-Moorhead for weeks. When asked if she had ever actually seen Billy Bob, Patty Berger looked up at the sky quizzically. “You know, come to think of it, I might have. I saw a strange man on the sidewalk a few days ago with a snake over one shoulder. He was a little guy…kinda funny looking.”

Is it solid proof that the celebrity has taken up residence in his new haunt? Probably not. Are folks up here prrrrreetttty sure that Billy Bob’s “In Da House”? Oh, you betcha.

Fargo Facing Severe Clown Shortage

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Bozo says the only thing funny about a shortage of clowns is the clowns.

Fargo, ND – While our country is experiencing a national clown shortage, Fargo’s clown shortage is in the severe-to-extreme category. Circus folk have been warning for years that a clown shortage was looming on the horizon but everyone just laughed it off as a joke. Now it seems like it’s just as hard to find a good clown as it is to find an honest politician.

Uncle Peepers, who’s the president of Clown College, says this unprecedented shortage is the result of a perfect storm. He explains: “Sadly, as older clowns fade away, we aren’t seeing a lot of new clowns to replace them. Some clowns have retired to the Funny Farm. Many are making phone calls from their horizontal phone booth. And others, like Al Franken, are jumping ship and going into politics.”

Dr. Funny Bones, who heads up Clowns International Association (CIA), concurs with Uncle Peepers. Dr. Funny Bones believes there’s been a declining interest in clowning because of new regulations that have resulted in much higher standards for the jokesters. “Clowning just isn’t cool anymore. Once the governments started getting involved, it took most of the fun out of it” says Dr. Funny Bones.

To deal with Fargo’s severe shortage of clowns, local leaders want to host a Clown Convention this summer in Island Park. George Looney, Fargo’s Director of Fun & Games, came up with the conventional idea as a way to possibly recruit a clown or two to choose Fargo as their home. Mr. Looney says that quite a few nationally known clowns have shown an interest in attending, including: Bozo, Cupcake, Dimples, Bubbles, Zero, Smiley, Sparkles, Mr. Whiskers, Lulu, Sunshine, Chuckles, Polka Dot, Ruffles, Jazzy, and Bingo.

If you have a good idea for how Fargo can attract more clowns to the area, please contact the Fargo City Commission, so they can discuss this important subject at an upcoming meeting.

FM-area convenience stores: “We are out of cash so please stop robbing us”

small-time crook

small-time crook

Fargo, ND—A long string of recent armed attacks on gas stations in our town has left tills and registers completely tapped. After Fargo endured yet another pair of convenience store holdups yesterday, the Observer has learned local stop n shops are officially out of money.

Store clerks want the city’s armed hoodlums to know they don’t have any more cash to fork over after being robbed, like, fifty million times.

South Fargo Petro Serve clerk Zelda Holdsclaw:

“We’re out of cash so don’t bother robbing us anymore. You guys took it all. Holding us up again would be a complete waste of your time.”

It would appear that area convenience stores have become easy targets for a quick smash-and-grab. Thankfully, with this new announcement, all that is about to change.

North Fargo Stop-N-Go store manager Randy Noisewater:

“Robbers have finally taken us for all we’re worth. It might be time for criminals to step their game up, take off the training wheels and start robbing banks for Pete’s sake.”

City Waives Alcohol Compliance Fine Because Servers Weren’t Taught How to Use Calculators

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06.2.gifFargo, ND—After serving booze to a minor, Santa Lucia restaurant in south Fargo was hit with a fine as punishment for failing their random alcohol compliance check. The restaurant’s owner disputed the fine, saying that both servers who examined the ID of the patron were never taught how to use calculators during county-mandated server training class. Because if you can’t use a calculator, you can’t properly determine someone’s age.

The city of Fargo agrees. Today, city commission members voted to repeal the fine due to negligence on the part of server training staff.

“Failure to show these college-educated humans how to utilize an electronic device to make routine subtractions resulted in their inability to perform simple arithmetic in a real-life situation,” commission member Jonathan Noisewater stated. “It is obviously the responsibility of a simple government-mandated training seminar to properly educate service staff how to complete grade-school-level mathematical computations.”

Santa Lucia is set to resume incorrect mathematics as early as this week.

Fargo Proud To Be Named Drunkest City In America

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The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

The drunker you live here, the longer you get.

Fargo, ND – Fargo is proud to recently be named the drunkest city in the nation.

How proud is Fargo of this new distinction? So proud that the Fargo City Commission immediately passed a unanimous resolution declaring Fargo’s new slogan to be: Fargo is the Drunkest City in America!

National pollsters who came to Fargo said that virtually everyone who was interviewed admitted they had engaged in binge drinking at least five times within the past week.

Even more surprising was the fact that 80% of the people who were randomly selected to be questioned were drunk at the time of the survey.

One Fargo resident involved in the survey was Curby Feelers who said: “Just because I’m drunk, don’t mean I’m stupid.” Curby then proceeded to walk into a large tree that jumped out in front of him.

All of the other cities and towns on the National Drunk List were considered amateur compared to Fargo. The survey said: “When it comes to getting and staying the drunkest, Fargo is in the professional category.”

Now, let’s all fill our mugs, and toast to Fargo! The most bad-ass drunkest city in the United States of Beermerica!

2 Fargo schoolchildren left unattended on school bus; resorted to cannabalism

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"Is anybody out there?" he stated while eating his friends leg.

“Is anybody out there?” he stated while eating his friend’s leg.

Fargo, ND – In a very short series of unfortunate events, two Fargo school children were left for dead in a Valley Bus school bus Thursday morning.

Temperatures reached a staggering 23 below when the children were left to battle the elements all by themselves.  Unfortunately, the temperature continued to dive and reached a mind blowing 40 below.

One of the children tried to hold on but the elements proved too tough and he ended up freezing to death right there in the bus.  The other child, desperate to survive, had to resort to cannibalism in order to stay awake as he was slipping fast.

The child used a plastic scissor, a scissor that had been used just the day before to cut beautiful snow flakes out of construction paper,  to cut his friends leg off.

For the next grueling 5 hours, the child had to feast upon the leg of his dead friend.  Luckily, a Valley Bus worker who needed to clean the bus unexpectedly walked onto the scene.

“I stepped up into the bus and that’s when I saw it.  Blood everywhere.  There was a leg propped up on one of the seats.  It was horrible.”

The surviving bloody child was then rescued from the bus and taken to the nearest shower.  Presumably to wash the blood and flesh off.

The mother would like to know what went wrong.

“Where did my child get the idea to cut someone’s leg off?  Is this what they are teaching my child?  How am I supposed to trust them with my kids? This is serious and I plan on suing.”

Valley Bus could not be reached for comment.