Tag Archives: north dakota

Amanda Smock Having A Hard Time Finding A Job After Recent News Coverage

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Fargo, ND – Former North Dakota State University Amanda Smock won the triple jump at the U.S. Olympic Trials last Monday, June 25th.

This great achievement has produced North Dakota State’s first United States Olympic track and field athlete.  However, it hasn’t all been good news.

Since all the recent news coverage last week, Amanda Smock has stated that she has had a very hard time landing a job.  Her recent pictures plastered all over the internet have fooled potential employers into thinking that she may not all be right in the head.  She could possibly have a mental disorder or brain damage and unable to fulfill all required job requirements.

One employer, after seeing Amanda’s job application, searched the internet to creep and get some dirt on her.  What he found were pictures of her running such as the ones below.

amanda smock

“After seeing these I said to myself, there is no way this women can fulfill all the job requirements.  Not with that face.  Nope.  No way.  Something isn’t right there” the employer stated.

Another employer saw her job application as well and did as the previous creepy employer did, searched the internet.  He unfortunately found the picture below.

Amanda Smock Funny Face

Amanda Smock posing for the camera.

Immediately after seeing the picture above he threw her application into the garbage.  “There is no way I can hire a women who looks to be shitting themselves while running.  It just isn’t going to work.  Not gonna happen” the other employer stated.

We wish Amanda Smock the best of luck at the Olympics.  After a win there, hopefully future potential employers will disregard her pictures on the internet and consider hiring her.

 

The Asian Nudist Ninja

West Fargo Police Searching For Elusive Asian Nudist

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West Fargo, ND – One small Asian man is causing quite the ruckus in our growing city of West Fargo, North Dakota and people have started to call the police.

The West Fargo Police Department have stated that they are looking for a nude man who has been showing up all over town.  Several people have called the police department in the last couple months about the nudist running through fields, random backyards, and in one instance, going down slides at random city parks.  Ouch.  That has to hurt.

Officers have had absolutely no luck finding him and have no idea who this man is.  He is simply too elusive.  I would like to name him “The Asian Nudist Ninja” if that is ok?

Police will continue to look for this individual but would like to state that since Asians have such small penises, it is very hard to arrest The Asian Nudist Ninja with indecent exposure because he technically isn’t “exposing” anything.

Please keep an eye out.  If you see a nude man running wildly through your back yard, jumping fences like a gazelle, you are asked to please call the West Fargo Police Department.

Young Bird West Fargo

Naked Young Bird Found Dazed and Confused

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Young Bird West Fargo

West Fargo, ND – Junior, a young bird from West Fargo, was seen this afternoon looking dazed and confused, lost, and completely wrecked.  He was also not wearing any clothes.

I tried to talk to him but it was no use.  He couldn’t understand a damn word I was saying.  He just looked at me with a very confused and puzzled face.

Finally I was able to locate his parents nearby who have been looking for junior since this morning.  I found out he left with some friends last night to go “learn nest building skills” but never returned home.  After taking one look at junior this morning it’s pretty evident that they went out and got totally shit faced.

Junior was last seen stumbling back home guided by his pissed off parents.

Although I would have loved to hear Junior’s crazy stories from last night and why he was found not wearing any clothes, he was at least found which makes for a great ending to a story on a Friday.

North Dakota declines offer to secede from America & join Canada

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North Dakota, USA – In what many in the geography community have called a desperate attempt at coolness, Canada, our gracious neighbors to the north, made a pitiful request to the USA to secede North Dakota & add it to the southern region of Manitoba. Canada, being as envious and so totally jealous of our perfectly run country as they are, figured they could alter their reputation by adding a piece of American culture to their vast, snowy landscape:

“We really like America, eh? America is soo coool, eh? Maybe America wouldn’t care if North Dakoota left the country, eh? Come be a part of Canada, eh? We’ll even move the border for you. Okeh?”

Upon finding out about Canada’s bold proposal, the United States government showed no concern over the threat of losing one of its Dakotas. When questioned about the possibility of ND seceding from the union, President Obama had this to say:

“Whatever. We’ll just suck out all the oil, let ’em move and replace ’em with Puerto Rico. No big deal.”

After a few minutes of careful deliberation, the 39th state of our great union made the final decision to stay a part of the US:

“This was a very tempting offer, but we ultimately decided we’re already as close to being Canadian as we’re willing to get.”

The Observer has breathed a collective sigh of relief at this great news. We think we speak for everyone when we say ZERO FLANNEL IS ENOUGH FLANNEL.

North Dakota county hopes somebody will run for prosecutor

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERACavalier, ND – Pembina county is in need of a lead prosecuting attorney. Amidst political controversy that forced the last county prosecutor out of office, the position has been left vacant for the past couple months. This has county officials absolutely terrified that nobody will run for the primary election this June.

The deadline to file for election is fast approaching, and city officials are getting anxious. “We don’t suspect anyone in a 300 mile radius would be willing or sufficiently able to occupy the position of county prosecutor,” explained Cavalier mayor Burp McGwire. “There are no lawyers here. Only farmers and the occasional shop-keep. Also got a mechanic. We’re offering a generous compensation of 2 milk-cows, a steer, and a 3-acre pasture for the elected official. It’s the best we can do. Would anyone with an online law degree or a forged bar association certificate like to throw their straw hat in the ring??”

This would be a crippling blow to the Pembina county legal system if nobody is willing to run for this elected position. The county will be unable to prosecute wild wild west showdowns, buggy theft, barn trespassing and other such infringements.

Cone Monster signals Construction season has arrived in North Dakota

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Fargo, ND – The dawn of spring is upon us in North Dakota. This is a welcome change to the region, but with one humongous downside: ROAD CONSTRUCTION. The ugly orange beast is making his presence felt in a major way this year. Since the snow is completely gone already, the DOT has decided to shut down traffic on every major thruway in the Fargo area starting Wednesday.

This construction season is estimated to be so brutal, experts say the mass of Cone Monsters will be visible from space. The Observer recommends that you wear sunglasses at all times as the reflection off of his scaly, orange skin will be so bright it could cause blindness. Also, please do not look the Cone Monster directly in the eye. This leaves you vulnerable to attack. Just, please, stay as far away as humanly possible from the Cone Monster. They can smell the fear on you…especially if you’re speeding through a construction zone.

The Cone Monster is coming to reap!

North Dakota Senators Tired of Being Overlooked

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Washington, DC – Muffled discussion can be heard from inside a capitol building janitorial closet by members of the senate as they stroll by. You see, this is where the North Dakota representatives of the United States Senate can be found conducting business. It’s funny to imagine, but not at all unusual. North Dakotans are quite used to being disregarded. It all began in many years ago when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed internal legislation to have the ND senators “moved to an off-site location” so that the senate could “find someplace to put all these goddamn empty boxes.” The ND senators were to conduct business from OUTSIDE the capitol! With pride in mind, senator Byron Dorgan fought back, earning a convenient spot in a hallway broom closet.

This state is growing very accustomed to being forgotten about. In the senate, it’s been going on for many years. Nowadays, the senators are lucky if their votes even count. Senator John Hoeven can usually be seen sprinting down the hallway, ballot in hand, desperately trying to get his vote handed in before voting cutoff. He remarks, “It’s fun! It adds excitement to the job. I just never know if i’ll get it there in time. I’m like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible LOL!” He seems to handle it well, but deep down, he’s frustrated. “Sometimes I really wish that things would go back to the way they were before. Give Kent Conrad his own broom closet again, for Christ’s sake.”

North Dakota State University (NDSU) Bison

Cuts are coming to North Dakota State University. Dean Bresciani Faces Tough Decisions.

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Fargo, ND – North Dakota State University Head Mafia Boss President Dean Bresciani is facing very VERY tough decisions these days.  This comes after the State Board Of Higher Education denied a request for a half-percent hike in NDSU’S tuition. ” Waa Waa Waa” was heard from people who actually have a door to enter their office on the NDSU campus.  They were last seen crawling out of their offices, opening the door, and peeing on everyone in a cubicle.

In another example of “We can’t make this up” the President Dean Bresciani said, “there’s nothing left to cut.”  With President Deans ridiculous salary of over 300k, we at the FM Observer know exactly where to cut it.  Instead of cutting heads off mafia style Bresciani, let’s cut your salary.  What do you actually do that warrants 300k a year when your “subordinates” probably do all the work anyways?  Not to mention last year, the top dogs, which included you, were given pay raises approved via North Dakota’s Board of Higher Fuck You In Your Ass.  Even with that kind of money you couldn’t buy a hooker hot enough to give your ugly faces a lap dance.

More common sense from the common folk Bresciani, had this to say, “”We’ll try to shave that bone versus cutting that bone.” “We want to do everything possible to preserve the educational environment here.”  He left out “cutting that bone” to include him and his cronies salary.  That means doing everything necessary to GIVE ME RAISE he meant.  One year ago the board of higher education approved a nearly 9% tuition increase at NDSU but yet earlier that year approved a raise to the d bags who don’t even deserve it.

Good job higher education.  Take all the money you can.  Your bubble will soon BUST and then your left with Karma.  This Karma gal is a complete bitch we heard.