Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

FMObserver Lands Exclusive Interview With Mr. Stephen Hawking

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Theoretical physicist and cosmologist, Stephen Hawking, sits down for an interview with your FMObserver.

FMO: What is time?

Stephen Hawking: I invite you to set aside your present preconceptions of time and consider the possibility of creating multiple duration streams as a quantitative measure for the day when demand for increasing services excludes all other choices in the quest for total excellence.

FMO: If a person ate themself, would they become twice as big or completely disappear?

Stephen Hawking: Most people, other than myself, have closed their eyes to the possibility of facilitating cannibalistic social networking as long as a potential for double action becomes the prevailing outlook.

FMO: What is the meaning of life?

Stephen Hawking: My goal for this ultimate theoretical question is utilizing outside-the-box thinking as a technique of experiencing quantum holistic change while maximum opportunity rises to the surface in a sea of ever-shifting credibility for living.

FMO: What’s the difference between good and bad?

Stephen Hawking: Today is your lucky day. I can now tell you that factoring oblique statistical trajectories of good versus bad has an ever-increasing side effect while the good spectrum expands beyond the current expectational matrix of the bad.

FMO: Does thought require language?

Stephen Hawking: You may totally disagree with me on this, but I firmly believe in finding language mining opportunities as the most logical step toward being exquisitely focused on thinking to offset actual thought generation.

FMO: How does a brain think?

Stephen Hawking: It’s not in the industry journals yet, but I’m spear-heading a think tank project group for targeting individual brain advancement incentives as a regenerative move while component brain inter-dependency grows exponentially toward the cerebral future horizon.

FMO: Is there a universal language?

Stephen Hawking: A secret passion of mine has always been the restructuring of vertical and horizontal relationship communicational hierarchies in anticipation of the day when potential for action includes all possibilities while striving for complete transparency.

FMO: Why do good jokes make people laugh?

Stephen Hawking: During a recent sabbatical I came up with the idea of studying the effects of disproportionate humorous reactional access restrictions when the primary win-win relationship substantiates a laughable projection response.

FMO: Is there intelligent life elsewhere in the universe?

Stephen Hawking: I haven’t divulged this to the general public yet, but I’m in the initial stages of enlisting top-down organizational life-finding strategies as a protective measure for the day when demand for increasing universal services continues onward into unknown alien worlds.

Boy Drives Entire Family Nuts Practicing Trumpet

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Practice doesn’t always make perfect.

Trumbull, Nebraska – When Daniel Boddington first decided that he wanted to become a trumpet player in the school band, his family was so happy and excited.

Daniel’s parents spared no expense and bought him a brand new Bach TR300H2 300 Series golden trumpet.

Even though the new young trumpeter diligently practiced at home starting early every morning and until quite late every night, the sounds he produced unfortunately never really started to noticeably show any signs of improvement.

One neighbor described Daniel’s trumpet playing as “a cross between a semi truck’s sad sick air-horn crying out because it just lost its mate and some very bad loud gases being expelled at a flatus festival”.

How does Daniel Boddington’s family feel about his trumpet playing now?

Well, his father has gone completely mad, his mother just completed Phase II of a total nervous meltdown, and all of Daniel’s siblings are sponsored by Xanax and currently are bottoming out on opioid addiction.

As far as the school band, everyone is invited to attend their Spring Concert in which the band director has proudly chosen Daniel Boddington to play a five-minute solo during the piece which is entitled The Call Of the Trumpeter Swan.

North Dakota Unveils Its New State Flag

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North Dakota's new slogan is: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

North Dakota’s new flag displays its new state motto: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

Bismarck, ND – After the Fighting Sioux won their eighth national hockey championship, and with the fifth straight national title for the NDSU Bison football team, North Dakota has decided to change its state flag and state motto.

In an easy-to-read, large, bold font (unlike the new license plates which suck), the new ND state flag will proudly say: North Dakota, and Nos Sunt Optima which is Latin for “We Are The Best!”

The official swearing-in ceremony for North Dakota’s new motto and flag will be in Bismarck on the 4th of July, followed by a massive display of fireworks, free mini-flags for everyone, fantastic foods for sale, fun until midnight, and just a general, old-fashioned fracking good time for all.

If you have a drone, bring it for the drone races! There will also be bocce ball and bean bag toss tournaments. All participants of these events will receive a collector T-shirt emblazoned with North Dakota’s new motto: Nos Sunt Optima.

Undercover Investigation Uncovers Underground Senior Citizen Fight Club In Fargo

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One of our hidden cameras captured this rare photo of one of Fargo’s many super-secretive senior citizen fight clubs during a pre-fight meeting.

Fargo, ND – After a lengthy two-day investigation by your FM Observer, we recently turned up disturbing news about some dangerous seasoned citizens in our area.

What we learned is that some small groups of large men calling themselves F.I.S.T. (Fargo’s Intense Situational Testers) secretively meet at various coffee shops once a month prior to randomly pairing off into fight partners.

Then they proceed to pummel upon one another until one of them waves the white flag, after which the victor treats the loser to a doughnut and a cup of coffee and they both reminisce about their ordeal.

The alleged ring leader of F.I.S.T. is a man named Warren Peace who whispers: “The fist rule of our fight club is to not remember anything about it. And the second rule is, well, I can’t remember that one right now. I’m sorry, what was your question?”

Police say that if you see any small groups of large older men in a doughnut or coffee shop, please stay away from these dangerous trained fighters and call the police if you feel at all threatened.

Plans For New Clay County Jail Looking Quite Penal

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Inside the new jail

This is the architect’s illustration of the proposed new Clay County Jail, which is to be one of the most punitive in the country.

Moorhead, MN – With the current jail having been built in the 1890s, Clay County Commissioners were excited to finally see plans for their new jail.

Even though it will be a brand-new, state-of-the-art facility, architect Archie Cutter used some old, famous, draconian prisons from around the world as his inspiration for Clay County’s new jailhouse.

It is designed to comfortably hold 300 inmates, so once it gets up to 900, new additional “pods” can easily be added with a crane.

For the warden and correctional officers, an executive suite will provide a hot tub, steam room, sauna, and game room where they can relax and play pinochle.

As a reward for good behavior, the inmate population can earn special privileges such as access to library books and being allowed to participate in the weekly square dancing.

Obama Pens Exec Order Forcing All States To Raise Min Wage To $30/Hour By 2040

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I can do whatever I want because I have all these pens.

I can do whatever I want because I am President and I have all these pens.

Washington, DC – Not to be outdone by Governor Jerry Brown in California, President Obama just signed into law via another Executive Order, a new law which mandates that all 57 states increase their minimum wage to $30 per hour by the year 2040.

If that seems like a big increase, the President defends it by pointing out that it’s less than a dollar per year: “It comes out to only 83.3 cents per year, aaaand, I would bet that most people have 83 cents underneath their couch cushions”, says Obama.

But what about the issue of Big Government dictating yet another unfunded mandate to the private sector which in reality will cause many businesses to cut staff or even close their doors permanently?

To that, the President retorts: “Big Government is always willing to help. In this case, we can provide another bail-out program to assist struggling businesses, or with the stroke of my pens, I can sign another Executive Order which will disallow businesses to cut staff aaaand permanently close their doors.”

Delegate To Sue Party Convention Because Nobody Would Caucus With Her

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If nobody wants to caucus with me, I will bring you down.

If nobody wants to caucus with me, I’ll bring you down.

Bismarck, ND – Dorothea Toppen went to the 2016 North Dakota Democrat Convention wanting to caucus but no one would caucus with her.

So, Dorothea Toppen is planning on filing a lawsuit against the North Dakota Democrat Party for 1. non-inclusion, 2. disrespect, and 3. emotional damages.

The plaintiff also says that someone looking a lot like Donald Trump meanly grabbed her by the arm and pushed and pulled her in a direction she did not want to go.

So, Dorothea Toppen is also considering filing a secondary lawsuit against Donald Trump for 1. strong-arming, 2. disrespect, and 3. emotional damages.

Moral of the story: When you go to your political party’s convention wanting to caucus, you can sue their ass if nobody wants to caucus with you.

Excitement Builds For New ‘Fargo Diversion’ Theme Park

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The new Fargo Diversion theme park will redefine what fun is!

Fargo, ND – As support for the proposed FM Red River Diversion Project wanes due to emotional and financial fatigue, excitment is now waxing for a brand new theme park to be called: The Fargo Diversion!

City Commissioner Tom Popcorn reports: “People these days are looking for some sort of diversion from their normal lives of ruts, routines, and responsibilites.”

Popcorn goes on: “Would you rather endlessly plan for flood protection that will never happen OR spend the entire summer using your Fargo Diversion Fun-Pass to experience every fracking ride at the new Fargo Diversion theme park? I know what my family would rather do!”

While the money for a river diversion does not add up, the money for a Fargo Diversion theme park certainly DOES add up, and maybe even multiplies!

Instead of spending $2 billion to route the Red River where it does not want to go, Fargo city leaders now see the benefit of profiting $2 billion in expected revenue from “the most kick-ass fun park between Sioux Falls and Winnipeg!”

North Fargo’s Ponyland To Become Largest Refugee Resettlement Camp In America

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North Fargo's Ponyland to be the site of a 5,000 tent Syrian refugee resettlement camp.

North Fargo’s Ponyland to be the site of a 5,000-tent Syrian refugee resettlement camp.

North Fargo, ND – City Commissioners unanimously approved moving ahead with the rezoning of Ponyland into a Syrian refugee resettlement camp.

Workers have already begun transforming the old Ponyland into what will soon be home to 50,000 Syrian refugees living in 5,000 tents.

The new Ponyland tent city will also have 50 latrines, five mini-mosques, a special tent for free Obamacare, plus an outdoor petting zoo and an indoor ping pong activity center.

“There is not a lot of wiggle room when President Obama signs an executive order that basically demands we make this happen”, says Ponyland president Yemane Fikru.

“However, I’m thinking this will be a win/win type of scenario because North Fargo needs a boost, a shot-in-the-arm if you will, so let this be North Fargo’s big booster shot, to begin its revival, back to a thriving community just like South Fargo, West Fargo, and East Fargo.”

Travel With All Your FMO Friends To Magical Goosey-Goosey Island!

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Goosey-Goosey Island is waiting for you!

The magic of Goosey-Goosey Island is waiting for you!

Ocean Butte, Atlantic – Are you in minor need of a major getaway or vice versa?

Has your March Madness turned into March Sadness?

Looking for a trip to trump all trips?

It’s time once again to sign up for FMO’s Annual Migration to Goosey-Goosey Island!

Spread your wings and fly away to FMO’s #1 destination for relaxational challenges that most only dream about.

Flock like birds of a feather with others who share your twisted views of reality.

By signing up for our Goosey-Goosey Island Travel Package, it shows you are a person of insightful keenness of mind while also having a stout heart and an appetite for living.

Leave your smartphones, remote controls, church choir practices, and road rage behind.

Don’t worry about the travel details or dates because we always work around YOUR schedule, so there’s really no excuse not to go.

This is all about you, and all of your FM Observer friends. This is all about you experiencing first-hand the magic of Goosey-Goosey Island.

Sign up now and get a free travel packet which includes: an inflatable life jacket, some hot-hot-hot jalapeno beef shtix, an official emergency signaling mirror, and a 3-D Google map showing all the magical wonders of Goosey-Goosey Island!