Category Archives: News

Government To Begin Grouping People Into “Sick Camps” By What Diseases We Have

This group of people all have the same disease. Guess which one.

All of the people in this group have the same disease. Can you guess which one?

Washington, DC – With the help of the CDC (Centre for Disease Control), Big Government will soon be organizing communities into groups of people based on what diseases we have.

Since Big Government already has access to all of your private medical records, the group you will be in has already been decided upon by your local community organizing Obamacare Navigator.

People with similar disease profiles will eventually all be bussed to a special Sick Camp specifically designed just for that group, where they will be provided afforable healthcare based on their income levels and past voting records.

So, as the new year approaches, make sure your bags are all packed and that you and your other family members are all ready to be separated for an “undetermined amount of time” so that Big Government can help you help yourself.

Exceedingly Mediocre Restaurant Tip Goes Viral

applebeesCoon Rapids, Minn. — Applebee’s waitress Nicole MaHobbes’s Tuesday night shift ended in misery after she received a tip so extremely average that it could only be explained as “an obvious insult.”

The $6.17 left on a $35.26 check, a tip of exactly %17.5, left MaHobbes infuriated and confused.

“I just don’t understand it,” MaHobbes said. “I gave grade-A service according to the Applebee’s handbook and I get left with this. I ususally get fifteen percent from total jerks and twenty percent from nice folks, but seventeen percent — that’s just cruel. How am I supposed to judge my customers based on that?”

Tipping has been a hot topic lately as servers continue to post pictures of their tips on social media. Some enjoy exceedingly generous tips while others are left with goose-eggs, but very few are left with the empty feeling MaHobbes experienced.

“People don’t understand that servers rely on tips that people leave us,” she said. “If you add six dollars from that tip to the seven that I’m making per hour, that’s only thirteen dollars an hour. How can I live off that? Plus I have other tables to worry about. People just don’t account for the stress of having so many tips to calculate in a day.”

Floor manager Gary Gubiak was alerted of the insulting gratuity shortly after it was left, and was able to track down the couple that left it.

“The customers, who shall remain unnamed, claim that they always leave exactly seventeen point five percent,” he said. “The Johnson’s told me that they feel seventeen point five is highest amount they feel comfortable with and they carry a calculator to leave the exact amount. I didn’t buy Rick and Diana’s charade, but instinctively gave them a free dessert to take home and two ten dollar gift cards to ensure a future visit.”

The Johnson’s wish to remain anonymous, but agreed to comment on their visit to Applebee’s.

“Diana and I thought the service and the food was good, but not outstanding,” Rick Gerald Johnson of 5689 Roark Avenue, Coon Rapids, MN said. “We had decent food at a decent price, so we left a decent tip. We didn’t mean to leave any emotions with our six dollars and seventeen cents.”

The incident sparked by unknown customers Rick and Diana Johnson, parents of Josh, Paula and Natalie Johnson who graduated from Coon Rapids High School, sparked fury from the service industry workers across the country.

“I don’t know who these ‘Johnson’s that attend Mount Calvary Luther Church every Sunday at eight o’clock’ are, but their actions will not go unnoticed” Nashville Applebee’s server Tom Babcock said. “You do the math America. Servers only get seven dollars an hour. Now add horrible tips like six dollars, times three tables and hour, and we can only add eighteen dollars to our wage per hour. Who can live off of twenty five dollars an hour? I have a cat to feed!”

On the other hand, the AARP claims that senior citizens are living off a fixed income and should diligently watch their monthly spending.

“I wish senior citizens could make twenty five dollars an hour,” AARP spokesmen Arty Betker said. “We live off an average of eight dollars an hour and now we get criticized for leaving a six dollar tip? That’s…. We gotta stop these damn kids from skateboarding on the sidewalk!”

 

From The Archives: Woman Trapped In Man’s Body Yearns For Freedom

News of yore, dated 14th June, Eighteen Hundred and Ninety-Five

il_570xN.260685457

Woman trapped in a man on a horse

Fargo, ND—Local cowboy Theddy Crumpsmith longs to be free, the Observer has learned. Crumpsmith is suffering from a disorder not well known to mankind; one for which mankind currently has no solution. You see, Crumpsmith believes in his heart of hearts that he is a woman. He is a woman trapped in a dusty, hairy, smellin-all-kinds-of-awful man’s body.

Theddy is in pain. He truly yearns for a way out. It is clear he wishes the town doctor would clamp those rusty forceps around his ol’ gopher and somehow, by some magical pluck and tuck, transform it into female genitalia.

“If’n I had me a way, I’d free myself from this penis-havin’ prison,” says Theddy. “But there ain’t no way to do that. I’ll forever be stuck here wearin’ women’s britches underneath these here chaps. Can’t tell nobody I’m really a woman for fear of gettin’ laughed at and run outta town.”

Town doctor Emblett Durgiss sympathizes with Theddy. “Every so often, a cowpoke will approach me with some strange request. He’ll say ‘Doc can ya help me, I’m a woman’ or ‘Doc, I don’t want my peener anymore’ and I can only throw up my hands and say sorry, I ain’t a got-dayum miracle-worker. Poor fellers.”

Theddy has lived with this for so long, he’s even considered self-mutilation. “Starin’ off into the prairie sunset at twilight makes a guy wonder: Could I do it? Could I carve up this here weasel and nards in just such a way that I’d turn hussy? Hell, I dunno.”

It seems that this bizarre affliction affects these men who are what they simply are not. These are men of a feminine essence. 

Marijuana-Scented Candles Frustrating Police

Wacky Wax

Wacky Wax

Fargo, ND – Police in Fargo say a recent uptick in disturbance calls can be attributed to the growing popularity of marijuana-scented candles.

Dispatchers estimate they have received approximately 420 complaints about strong marijuana odors in the last 6 months.

“There’s virtually no difference between the scent of marijuana smoke and the aroma of a marijuana candle,” explains Officer Bud Potter. “Because it’s our duty to investigate anything that smells suspicious in the area, you can imagine the time we’re wasting sniffing out these false alarms. The K-9 unit is totally confused, and we’re all just sort of dazed.”

The candles, which can slow burn for hours, are believed to have filtered in as gifts from Colorado hipsters who have roots in the area. Since the initial introduction, sources indicate that most of Fargo’s import shops now stock these ganja glowers, making the inflow of product nearly impossible to stem.

To complicate matters, area potheads have begun using the candles as smokescreens, taking advantage of their camouflaging effect.

Says Potter, “A typical night on patrol now includes the inevitable pie-eyed groups of weedies laughing hysterically as we stand in their flickering dope dens, unable to make any arrests. If I have to hear ‘The candle cops are here!’ one more time…Well, you get the picture.”

There is one upside to this Mary Jane drain on the police force, however. Potter begrudgingly admits, “I have to say, as much as I despise the dreaded cannabis call, it’s a heckuva lot better than dealing with the Downtown Barf Brigade. Given the choice between skunk and chunk, I gotta tell ya, I’ll take the skunk.”

BREAKING: Your Mortal Soul Now Belongs To This Warlock

Has your soul.

Has your soul.

Fargo, ND—The Observer would like to regretfully inform you that your mortal soul, however puny and insignificant it may be, now belongs to this devious warlock.

Yes, you’re really screwed now. It was this whispering demon’s job to capture your body’s nucleus—your very essence—and he has done it.

Don’t you feel empty inside? Hasn’t a never-ending fatigue set in? Aren’t you consumed by anxiety and dread? That is because this warlock (pictured) is usurping your internal life-force. He’s drinking it away like a starving animal.

You never truly had a chance. He was coming for you, and there was no stopping him. All we can now do is wait until he finishes his reaping.

Sign Up Now For Exciting Parade Of Hoarder Homes

Chance to see some unique homes filled to the ceiling with piles of crap.

Chance to see some unique homes filled to the ceiling with piles of crap.

Fargo, ND – With hoarding starting to become rather chic, Fargo is excited to announce its First Annual Parade Of Hoarder Homes.

Parade president Irv Sheik says: “We’re looking for some major hoarders who might want to be included in our First Annual Parade Of Hoarder Homes. It’s going to be a real fun event.”

Please call 1-800-HOARDER to sign up or to nominate a neighbor for the Parade Of Hoarder Homes.

Hoarder homes that are selected for the Parade Of Hoarder Homes will need to have adequate paths through all their piles of crap so that people can parade through each room and get their money’s worth of viewing before voting for the winner of the Best Hoarder Award with the Grand Prize being a $10,000 credit to the Home Shopping Network.

Hunting Mishap Almost Put Youngster Behind Bars

I tried to shoot a goose. Instead I shot a moose.

I tried to shoot a goose. Instead, I shot a moose.

Knife Lake, MN – A young boy named Bruce had just finished drinking some juice when he saw in the air a goose which lately had a tendency to overproduce.

So young Bruce decided to try and shoot the goose on the loose. He ran and quickly found his sling shot and Bowie knife.

As the loose goose flew closer, young Bruce pulled his Bowie knife back in his sling shot and then let it loose.

After it missed the Canadian goose, the flying knife unfortunately found a large moose named Zeus, who was hiding behind a blue spruce.

It just so happened that a Game and Fish officer who was out looking for abuse was watching the whole thing. After seeing Zeus the moose get shot, the Game Warden decided to go down and introduce himself to young Bruce.

By threatening young Bruce with life in prison, the Game Warden scared the juice out of Bruce. In the end, they reached a truce by having the youngster become a junior Game Warden where Bruce will peruse the spruce for moose abuse.

The moral of the story: Don’t let loose on a goose because you might kill a moose behind a spruce. Instead, just stay home and drink your apple juice.

Some Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller

caption here

Cody Matthew Marthaller: Arrived: May 27, 1982 Departed: October 26, 2014

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is very sad to say that we recently lost a friend and one of the Founding Fathers of this website.

On Sunday, October 26th, Cody Marthaller lost his long battle with cancer at age 32. Back in August 2012, Cody had been diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer.

Even though the FM Observer was just a small part of Cody’s life, he was a big part of the FM Observer. Cody Marthaller and Nick Hirchert bravely launched the FM Observer back on March 14, 2012.

Since then, Cody published about 273 posts on this website. Thirty eight were published under his real name, Cody Marthaller. Cody’s personal description of himself was: “I’m biologically human. Full-Time Superhero. Part-Time Human.”

Cody also published 235 posts under the name Bill Burns. Cody’s description of Bill Burns was: “Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.”

Even though it was time for Cody to move on, we will forever have a little part of him through his posts on the FM Observer.

What follows is a collection of some of his more memorable posts from the year 2014. We’ll start with Cody’s most recent (and final) post from Aug 20, 2014, and work our way back to January of 2014.

In the coming weeks, look for Parts 2 and 3 in this series where we’ll also remember some of Cody’s more memorable moments from 2013 and 2012 respectively.

Simply click on any title to be taken to that particular post. Enjoy!

New West Fargo Law Allows Exclamation Points In Names
Police Shoot And Kill Cat For Climbing Tree Illegally
West Fargo Police Officers Investigate Bathroom Bomb
Swimmer Spotted Running On Water After Shark Sighting
If You Missed The Supermoon Here Are Some Pics
Man Arrested For Saying Dude And Man Excessively
Arbys Of Fargo North Dakota Found To Be Hiding Life’s Secrets
Second New Species Discovered At The Red River Valley Fair
New Species Discovered At Red River Valley Fair
CEO Has No Idea What He’s Talking About
Todd Fox Arrested For Evading Police Officers
Fox News Reporter Asks MMA Fighter Some Odd Questions
Pup In A Cup
Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron 3
Question To Ask Before Joining A Religion Part II
New Blarney Stone In Trouble Over Public Urination
Screen Actors Guild To Watch the 2014 FIFA World Cup Closely
Area Man Banned From Having Sex With Teddy Bears Arrested Again For Having Sex With Teddy Bears
Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron 2
Nine Players To Watch In The World Cup
City Of Fargo Releases Pamphlet On How To Avoid Getting Hit By A Train
Surprise Puppy
Local Sandwich Artist Gets Lifetime Achievement Award
Neighbor Refuses To Mow
Fargo Canoer Mistakes Ditch Water For Sheyenne River
Family Held Hostage By Pet Leopard Gecko
Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron
Man Immediately Vaporized As He Stepped Outside
Fargo Man Rescued From Toilet
Multi-Tools Review
Fargo To Introduce New Basketball League
Bill Burns Makes The Fargo Invaders Team
Upworthy Headlines That Never Made The Cut
Online Trolls Say 2014 Will Be A Great Year For Them
Meet The Real Dominos Pizza Makers
Box Of Chocolates
Westboro Church States It’s OK To Be Gay On Valentines Day
Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi
Man Sentenced To 75 Years In Prison For Stealing Neighbor’s Cow
Five Things To Do Instead Of Watch Super Bowl XLVIII
FM Observer Staff Writer Turns 89
Casselton Resident Says He Has Proof Of A Yeti
Two Fargo Children Left Unattended On School Bus Resorted To Cannabalism

ND Measure 9 To Ban Happy Marriages

caption here

Measure 9 is right after Measure 8

Fargo, ND – Due to an avalanche of misleading language, hidden agendas and incompetent proofreaders, North Dakota’s midterm elections will now include a ballot measure that would outlaw all happy marriages.

Measure 9 reads:

This constitutional measure would create and enact a new section to Article Q of the North Dakota Constitution stating, “The inalienable right of every human being to have a miserable marriage at any stage of that marriage must be recognized and protected. No happy, joyous, or blissful domestic union may be recognized as a marriage without an appropriate level of misery.”

“Voters need to understand that the wording of Measure 9 is condensed and simplified for voting day efficiency,” claims Measure 9 sponsor Joe Straitt. “We don’t want folks worrying about the legal consequences of the language, that’s our job. Just have faith that we know what’s best for North Dakotans and their personal relationships. Yes on 9!”

An inside source admits, “Measure 9 has been rewritten so many times, no one can really remember what the original purpose of it was. We just keep supporting it because…well, what else are we going to do with all these posters, flyers, mailers, buttons, signs, flags, banners, pens, mugs, t-shirts and key chains? We’re invested here. Maybe not in a better future, but invested all the same.”

Early polling suggests that Measure 9 is gaining support from voters who identify themselves as “Ball-And-Chain Independents”. Stay tuned to The FMO for up-to-the-minute results.

NASA Reducing Its Goal To Just Being Able To Successfully Launch A Rocket

caption here

NASA’s Antares Rocket Wallops An Island Off Virginia

Wallops Island, VA – Despite an apparent ‘glitch’ during take-off, NASA is saying that everything is under control and that no one should have any reason for concern.

Even though many on-lookers witnessed an alleged explosion during the attempted launch of the NASA Antares Rocket, government officials are down-playing the event as a possible ‘abnormal termination’.

Because of this, however, the future goals for the NASA space program could soon be lowered. Rather than shooting to return humans to the moon by 2020 and sending a manned mission to Mars by 2030, NASA is considering changing its goal to just being able to successfully launch a rocket into space without it blowing up on the launchpad.

A NASA spokesperson spoke: “By changing our blueprint for future deep space exploration, we are better aligning our goals with the true capabilities of a governmental agency to effectually bring a mission to a successful conclusion.”

The good news is that even though the U.S. has become totally dependent on the Russians to get us to and from the International Space Station ever since our own Space Shuttle program was ended in 2011, we luckily have maintained a great relationship with our friendly Russian allies.