Dr. Finance: Should I Buy Some Lottery Tickets For The Mega Jackpot?

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When the lottery jackpot gets up to a billion dollars, Dr. Finance says it’s time to go All IN.

Jackpot, Nevada – Dear Dr. Finance: You’ve previously stated that gambling is a tax on the stupid. But would you say it’s OK to buy a lottery ticket when the jackpot gets up over a billion dollars? Thanks, Zephania Winther

Dear Zephania: Buying lottery tickets normally is something I would not recommend. Since the odds are so against you, any sort of gambling is definitely a tax on the stupid.

However, when the jackpots reach ridiculous levels, such as the Mega-Millions lottery game, it then becomes time to go all-in.

At this juncture, I would strongly recommend that you buy as many Mega-Millions lottery tickets as you can comfortably afford.

I myself am using the equity in my home to purchase as many tickets as I can between now and the time of the next drawing.

The chance to win a giant jackpot of $1.6 Billion rarely comes along, so, to answer your question: I would say it’s more than OK to give it a shot because someone has to eventually win it and it might just be you!

To be super proactive, you may want to have the phone numbers of a good accountant and attorney near by.

Indian Summer Celebrated By Many Even Though It’s No Longer Politically Correct

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Indian Summer is one last chance to enjoy summer and prepare for winter.

Summerset, SD – It’s what many in our area have long been waiting and hoping for, and now it’s finally arriving: Indian Summer!

For any employed workers who are lucky enough to have some extra vacation days, it’s a chance to get some final sun on one’s face while perhaps sipping an adult beverage out on the deck.

After we’ve already had a killing frost (and a winter storm), it’s one final time to breathe the last of the warm summer air before heading into the long and dark cold winter months.

The old politically incorrect name for it is Indian Summer while the new hip PC term is now Global Warming.

Indian Summer originally got its name from an old 1919 song by Victor Herbert which helped remind the Indians to get out and add some extra layers of warmth to the outside of their teepees while doing their good-bye dance to summer and happily celebrating a temporary postponement of winter.

Today, it’s more of a chance to tidy up the hoses, get down the snow shovels, put up your Christmas lights, and for street crews to quickly finish up all those road construction projects.

Older Cats Not Too Hip On Trendings Of Younger “Cool Cats”

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Young Felix gets some strong negative feedback from Mama Cat for wearing his new hip hat.

Cathead, PA – There seems to be a growing disconnect between older “establishment” cats and the new younger generation of kittens.

For example, some young kittens, like little Felix, are starting to wear hats to make themselves “look cool” and stand out.

Mama Cat ain’t too keen on Felix wearing his new hat, nor is she super hip on young Felix listening to Miles Davis jazz.

Felix’s mom, Mama Cat, likes a shallow bowl of milk while relaxing to music by Cat Stevens, and sometimes even finds herself meowing along to the musical Cats.

Conversely, young Felix often jams out to Cat Power, Pussy Cat Dolls, and Cat Empire while nibbling on sushi catfish, and sharing some recreational catnip with his “cool cat” friends.

Then when Mama Cat thinks it’s time for a restful cat nap, young Felix and his cat-nipped friends get busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes.

Blood Bank Looking To Hire Vampires They Can Count On

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Vampires sought for Blood Bank

Fargo, ND – The Red River Blood Bank is in dire need of hiring some experienced vampires to be staff phlebotomists and perform venipuncture to collect much-needed blood from client/victims.

During Helloween seasoning, the River Of Red Blood Bank sees a bloody uptick in the need for good blood due to a downtick in those who would voluntarily choose to donate their “liquid life force”.

Venipuncture experience is a +

Undead applicant vampires are being sought to work the graveyard shift, from midnight until dawn, with the monthly exception of full moon nights.

If you’re a well-dressed vampire who’s looking for a regular gig, and who can be counted on to show up for work, please contact Ms. Bella Lugosi at the Red River Red Blood Bank to set up an intravenous interview and a chance to show-off your venipuncture skill set.

Johnnny’s Seventh Retrospective (Posts 600-700)

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My second one hundred posts.

My 7th 100 posts. Now I can build an even longer fence!

Since 700 is such a nice round number, it was decided to use the occasion of my 700th post to take a trip back down memory lane.

So, it’s time once again to look back on Johnnny’s last 100 posts on your FM Observer.

All posts are listed as clickable hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

600. Johnnny’S sixth retrospective (posts 500-600)
601. Woman claims Woodrow Wilson touched her inappropriately during White House visit
602. Expensive study finds that the year 2100 is only about 82 years away
603. Al Franken dedicates new center for groping
604. West Fargo adding seven new robo cops to its police force
605. Winter snow predictions now called flake news
606. Mall Santa resigns after multiple accusations of groping
607. Cigar-shaped alien spacecraft actually a large french bread heading for Fargo
608. Moorhead man who claims to be the real Santa detained for questioning
609. Winter holiday greetings from your FM Observer
610. Top Ten questions to ask family in-laws and relatives during Christmas
611. Fargo man arrested for leaving dog outside too long
612. Moorhead woman builds house all by herself
613. President expected to swear more after study shows profanity is sign of honesty
614. Jeff Sessions voted most out of touch person in America
615. Fargo flocks to car washes before return of dreaded polar vortex
616. CNN’s Anderson Pooper gets South Park award for swearing 81 times in one hour
617. Man who caused Hawaii missile mishap admits he may have pushed the wrong button
618. Readers invited to email us ideas for future posts
619. Selling stolen pets becoming big business
620. Some religious groups demanding statue of David wear some clothes
621. Phi Eagles fans kindly asked to wear purple instead of green to Super Bowl
622. Top Ten things to do instead of watching the Super Bowl
623. Fargo boy first to ride rocket bike into space
624. Tsunami false alarm issued for state of North Dakota
625. Many wondering how curling can be considered an Olympic sport
626. Very varying reviews on First Lady Michelle Obama’s Smithsonian portrait
627. The Fargo Syndrome beginning to affect many Fargoans
628. Fargo Civic Center purchased by Tom Cruise/Scientology
629. Piano playing support group supportive of playing piano
630. Building-like structures discovered on planet Mars
631. Next Olympic winter games to be held in Fargo North Dakota
632. FM Observer lost in the wilderness for forty days
633. All North Dakotans now required to take an annual mental examination
634. The new rage is having a purse puppy
635. Dolphins being introduced to Fargo-Moorhead area hotel swimming pools
636. Mummified monkey successfully brought back to life
637. Fargo’s Wood-Chip-Stock Festival attracting some major attractions
638. FMO considering starting our own line of wedding anniversary cards
639. Vanna White and Pat Sajak getting divorced after thirty five years
640. Court artist accused of drawing under the influence at Cohen/Daniels court hearing
641. Musician flips the bird to Fargo crowd while suppposedly trying to play the F chord
642. Full disclosure: Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are brothers from another mother
643. New Starbucks bathroom policy welcomes all
644. Sign up to join the FMO birthday club for only $100
645. Fargo family finds gold bars inside walls of their newly purchased older home
646. To show respect, they’re leaving Barbara Bush on the one dollar bill
647. Kids warned against playing outside during nice summer months
648. New driverless motorcycles expected to make roads safer
649. Jimmy Kimmel being investigated for using unlicensed monkey to prepare his taxes
650. Lots now being sold around West Fargo lagoon
651. Downtown Fargo adding another bar in an attempt to increase crime and number of drunks
652. Kitchen remodeling company creating questionably satisfied customers
653. New UND mascot needs a name
654. Mueller seeks to penetrate Trump’s personal inner sanctum with long large probe
655. Controlled burn that got out of control now 50% contained
656. Hawaiian officials warning people that hot lava is very hot
657. Emperor penguin elected president of Antarctica
658. Mind expansion seminars can help you reach beyond your full potential
659. Fargo approves funding for Perv Park where area pervs can gather
660. Nursing home residents shocked when told they must run the full Fargo marathon
661. Busload of Fargo folks heading to the royal wedding
662. Fargo dog school successfully teaching young dogs to communicate in English
663. So-called Feng Shui Burglar breaks into homes only to re-arrange the furniture
664. The Orb is now available wherever cool things are sold
665. FMO announces the 2018 smartest kids contest
666. Pope clarifies there is a Hell, otherwise known as Grand Forks
667. Dennis Rodman to receive Nobel Peace prize
668. Contest winner eats 81 tacos in 15 minutes
669. Area marshes getting really bogged down
670. New game show on Fox called Find Your Parents to be hosted by Roseanne Barr
671. Global Spinning is increasing in speed; Is it too late to try and put the brakes on?
672. All West Fargoans asked to make a rock balancing sculpture in their yards
673. Montana tractor picked up by tornado lands in Minnesota
674. Win this 1968 Mercury Cougar by entering your name at our FMO corporate headquarters
675. Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer agree to three UFC-style octagon fights
676. Dog saves drowning man from river and then eats the man
677. Former president Jimmy Carter says Jesus would drink Heineken and vote to legalize recreational marijuana
678. Some Minnesota lakes showing early signs of fermentation
679. Gray stray cat virus now infecting some home computers
680. Medora musical rated most over-hyped attraction in ND because it truly sucks
681. Global Warming changing Algore into a reptile
682. Space Farce soon recruiting members in Fargo
683. Profanity OK at Holy Crap church
684. Many now see the Catholic Church as institutionalized pedophilia
685. Man raised by buffalo running for Congress
686. Woman suing hot sauce for being too hot
687. Red River Diversion still trying to begin long after it should have been finished
688. A brief history of Colorado
689. Shoplifter sentenced to twenty years at the West Acres mall
690. All granite countertops being recalled due to gamma radiation
691. Wandering through some wonderings
692. FEMA cot ready for hurricane Florence
693. Grade school goes into emergency lockdown when Catholic priest tries to enter the building
694. Dear Dr. Finance: Is this a good time to buy gold?
695. The new Aaron Rodgers $10 bills are very popular in Wisconsin
696. Wanting to collect and store everything in cardboard boxes is a sign of superior intelligence
697. An Exclusive FMO interview with Walt Whitman
698. What to do after receiving a presidential alert message
699. Another Autumn golfer nailed by a distracted driver-driven golf cart?

Another Autumn Golfer Nailed By A Distracted Driver-Driven Golf Cart?

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Chalk up another one to distracted drivers! Or was this a hate crime?

Moorhead, MN – During a relatively relaxing autumn round of par-free golf, Mr. Gotlib Haycraft was suddenly hit by a golf cart while trying to hit his tee shot on the par 3 seventh hole at the new Bogie Man Golf Course in Moorhead.

Police are not entirely sure if Mr. Haycraft was accidentally run over due to the normal smartphone distractions, or if he was being specifically targeted because of a political bumper sticker on the back of his Subaru Forester.

When asked if he was OK after the accident, Mr. Gotlib Haycraft said: “No! I’m not OK! And no matter what the reason, this kind of thing just should not happen while I’m out playing a fricking round of golf!”

If it’s determined the cause was distraction, the driver could spend up to a month in jail.

If it is ultimately deemed to be a hate crime, the maximum sentence could be life in prison.

Distractedly, all of the letters in “Gotlib Haycraft” can be trampled to spell: Hit By A Golf Cart!

What To Do After Receiving A Presidential Alert Message

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Put your gas mask on first, and then assist those around you with theirs.

Yourtown, America – If you’re wondering what to do immediately after receiving a Presidential Alert on your smartphone from the National Wireless Emergency Alert System, simply follow these simple steps which were prepared by FEMA:

Do not panic!

Locate your Presidential Alert gas mask.

Quickly put on your Presidential Alert gas mask according to the 8-page FEMA instruction pamphlet.

If you don’t have a gas mask, either borrow one from someone who does, or jimmy-rig one out of a clean dish towel.

Assist others around you to put on their Presidential Alert gas masks.

If outdoors, get inside a sturdy building as quickly as possible.

Go to the lowest area of a building, preferably one without any windows or doors.

Lay down on the floor in the fetal position while monitoring your smartphone.

If possible, pull any available blankets or tables over you for additional protection.

Remain calm and in place for 30-45 minutes while breathing normally.

Then, if all is well, resume normal activities.

An Exclusive FMO Interview With Walt Whitman

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Walt Whitman says hello to all our FMO readers!

A conversation with Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

FMO: How do you feel about having an image of yourself on a postage stamp?
Walt Whitman: If you done it, it ain’t bragging.

FMO: Many consider you one of America’s great poets and some call you the Father Of Free Verse. Your thoughts on this, sir?
WW: To have great poets, there must be great audiences.

FMO: Your bio indicates you were also a journalist, a teacher, a government clerk, and a volunteer nurse during the Civil War. You seem to have a real connection with the common folk.
WW: I dance with the dancers and drink with the drinkers.

FMO: You have obviously written a lot. Do you also like to spend time reading?
WW: A morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books.

FMO: Any thoughts on the current state of world affairs?
WW: Judging from the main portions of the history of the world, so far, justice is always in jeopardy.

FMO: What do you think the future holds?
WW: The future is no more uncertain than the present.

FMO: How do you deal with life on a daily basis?
WW: To me, every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle.

FMO: What lessons have you learned?
WW: I have learned that to be with those I like is enough.

FMO: What advice would you care to share with our readers?
WW: Be curious, not judgmental. Keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.

Note: Every response is an actual quotation from Walt Whitman.

Wanting To Collect And Store Everything In Cardboard Boxes Is A Sign Of Superior Intelligence

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Smart people collect cardboard boxes.

Brainerd, MN – Recent scientific studies show that people who are wanting to collect cardboard boxes in order to store all their belongings in such an organized fashion is a sign of a much higher intellect.

Dr. Debra Brosco-Dax who headed up these studies says that “our findings indicate that wanting to organize things in a collection of boxes is duplicating how intelligent brains organize massive amounts of information in one’s brain.”

The bottom-line take-away of Dr. Brosco-Dax’s research is:

If you are a person who likes to collect cardboard boxes and subsequently use them to store all your personal items, continue to do so knowing full well that you are amongst the smartest people in your community.

If saving cardboard boxes and eventually using them to get all your things organized is not your cup of tea, consider starting to follow in the footsteps of those who do, so as to at least give the outward appearance that you possess a high IQ.

If there is someone at your workplace who is constantly wanting to save boxes, begin to think of this person as one of the smarter ones in your group, and possibly ask that person to mentor you so that you can begin to follow them down the path of wisdom.

Ironically, all the letters in Debra Brosco-Dax can be re-organized to spell: Cardboard Boxes!

The New Aaron Rodgers $10 Bills Are Very Popular In Wisconsin

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The new $10 “Buck Rodgers”

Green Bay, Wisconsin – Folks in the cheese state are snapping up the new $10 federal reserve notes like chiclets.

After quarterback Aaron Rodgers signed his new mega-million dollar contract which runs thru 2023, the U.S. Mint in Milwaukee started printing the new Aaron Rodgers $10 bills mostly for circulation in Wisconsin.

Derck Burgos, who initiated the idea, says that cheese heads are really loving their new currency.

“Even tho Wisconsinites are loving having their beloved quarterback on the ten-spot, we don’t think people in Chicago or Minneapolis are going to go for these new bills,” opines Mr. Burgos.

Ironically, all the letters in Derck Burgos can be re-arranged to spell: Buck Rodgers!