Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

Not Giving A Fuck

Local Middle Aged Man Just Stops Giving A Fuck

Not Giving A FuckFargo, ND – “Hi, I’d like to buy a pair of fucks, please.” “Sorry. Fresh out, bitch.”

A local middle aged Fargo man has been found to have stopped giving a fuck.  The reason behind such a decision is still a complete mystery.  However, due to the FM Observer’s top notch reporting efforts, I was able to not only find this unique man but speak with him as well.

Rodger is a middle aged man from Fargo, ND.  He has two children and a wife.  He seems to be happy and positive.  Full of life.  He still is today but even more so after he just stopped giving a fuck.  See, Rodger says he woke up one morning and wondered why he gave a fuck.  That day he wore his pajamas all day and it all made sense. “I’m not going to give a fuck anymore” he thought.

“What else were you thinking during this time?” I asked.

“Well, it all just came to me pretty quick.  For one I realized I could die at any fucking time.  Then I realized how many douchebags there are everywhere I look.  Ya know?  I mean, then I looked at gas prices, listened to some psycho politicians on the tv and radio, and also thought about how everyone else thinks they know what’s better for you even though they don’t have a damn clue what they are talking about, it got me thinking.  I’m sitting here wondering why I give a fuck about getting raped in the ass everyday by everyone else.  It’s a losing battle, so why give a fuck?  My ass is going to hurt regardless if I care or not.”

“Today Bill, is the day I don’t give a fuck!  It’s glorious! I pissed on the floor by the toilet a little bit today.  Didn’t clean it up.  Why?  Cause I don’t give a fuck.  A grammar nazi corrected my ‘imperfect’ grammar today.  I told him I didn’t give a fuck and slapped him across the face.  Punched a very ugly baby that wouldn’t stop crying.  It totally shut him up.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Rode my bike in normal traffic and at my own pace.  Didn’t give a fuck.  Took a shower nude outside with the hose.  Neighbors were around but I didn’t give a fuck.”

“Not giving a fuck is a good lifestyle choice for me Bill and I’m sticking to it.”

Roger is an interesting case.  Maybe we should follow the ‘not give a fuck’ strategy of Rogers as it seems to be working well for him.

After interviewing Roger, I saw him walking away with a beer in hand, skipping, and yelling out “fuck yea” across traffic.  Said he was going to go take a dump at the closest government building and not in the bathroom.

We wish him well!

Slowpitch Softball Guy

Friendly Reminders For The Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

 

Slowpitch Softball GuySoftball season is upon us.  That means run-ins with softball guy.  You know, the guy who tries too hard playing in recreational adult slowpitch softball leagues.  The guy who takes things WAY too seriously.  The guy who thinks he is one hit away from getting signed professionally.

 

 

Here are some friendly reminders for that Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

1.  It’s just a game.

2.  You are not Babe Ruth.

3.  There are no scouts in the bleachers looking to recruit you.

4.  You do not play for the Twins nor are they interested in you.

5.  There is no need to own more than 5 bats.

6.  It is unnecessary to argue with the umpire after every play.  You’re just an asshole.

7.  Your teammates do not appreciate your constant ‘advice’ and ‘tips’.

8.  There IS more to life than recreational softball.

9.  Practicing in a batting cage 5 months before softball season is a waste of time and money.

10.  If playing co-ed, it’s kind of a dick move running over the female catcher so you can score.

11.  Just because you’re team captain doesn’t mean you get to play every minute of the game, play any position you want, and put yourself in the batting order 6 times.

12.  Your teammates don’t appreciate the 11 p.m phone call the night before a game asking them if they are psyched for tomorrow.

13.  Playing on 5 different softball teams is a bit much.

14.  It should not take you anymore than 6 seconds to get ready at the plate. It’s slow pitch softball.  Keyword: SLOW

15.  Stepping away from the plate after already spending 10 seconds getting ready so you have even more time to get ready to hit the ball is FORBIDDEN.

16.  It’s considered weird if you have 5 years of softball statistics saved.  Even weirder if you frame them.

17.  Don’t get pissed if your teammate decides to not kill himself by diving halfway over the fence to spoil a home run.

18. Don’t forget to bring a towel!

19.  It’s not ok to grunt after every swing.  It makes people wonder if there is something wrong with you (which there probably is).

20.  It’s not ok to fight the other team.

21.  Purposely taking walks is not cool.  Swing the bat there, Babe Ruth.

22.  If you literally look like a professional baseball player (eye paint, pants, 2 gloves, shirt, socks, arm bands, full blown under armor gear under your clothes, etc….), you’re out there for the wrong reasons and should just put the bat down and go home.

 

If you ever do run into ‘softball guy’ just simply ask them one question and one question only, “Why don’t you go pro?”

North Dakota State University Bison

Whole Lot of Boner At The Summit League Women’s Golf Championship

North Dakota State University BisonKELLER, Texas  – The first round of the Summit League women’s championship took place on Monday.

North Dakota State University had four golfers finish in the top ten.  Senior Amy Anderson and freshman Hailey Boner are tied for second place.  They both managed to shoot a 76.

Currently there is a three-way tie for second place with Anderson and Boner while Knutson is part of a three-way tie for fifth place.

Women’s second round play is scheduled to begin at 8 a.m. Tuesday, April 23, and the final round is slated for a 10:15 a.m. start Wednesday, April 24.

Expect to see Boner awake and ready for action bright and early Tuesday morning.  I would expect to see an even more erect and pumped Boner during the final round Wednesday, April 24th.

Boner has nothing to lose.  Boner must get the swing down if she is going to impress her competitors.  Boner should expect to put fear into her opponents by the power and accuracy of her swing.

If Boner’s swing is strong and accurate, it may just intimidate her opponents enough to forfeit.  If Boner is tired and feeling limpy then it may be a long day of golf as her competitors look to pull ahead of her.

If Boner is looking to win, Boner must not forget to wash her balls.  Boner does not want her balls dirty if she is to put them in multiple holes throughout the competition.

We are really rooting for Boner and we wish her the best.  Keep that swing strong Boner!

Here Comes The Boom DMX

Best Rap Lyrics of The Week – DMX Here Comes The Boom 4-21-2013

This weeks Best Rap Lyrics of The Week award go to the late and great DMX.  Is he still in jail?  Anyways, this is from the song Here Comes The Boom.  An older song but so so great.  A sniplet of some of the best lyrics ever concocted is listed below.  You may enjoy the song in it’s entirely below also.

 

Chump nigga, I stomp a mud hole in your face
Muthafucka, rip your butthole outta place
Cock the glock to your head, let off about two in it
Yea its a dirty job but I just love doin it.

 

That is fantastic.  Nobody wants their butthole ripped outta place.  Enjoy this classic song below.  It is worth turning up real loud if you actually have a nice sound system.

Human Assault Weapon

Ban On Human Assault Weapons

 

Human Assault WeaponDue to the large number of incidents involving human beings using weapons to kill other human beings there will now be a ban on being a human being.

The state department released a report to Congress recommending a background check on all humans and will be closing all private birthing loop holes.

Also in the report, a call to expand prison systems to accommodate all human assault weapons.  It also suggested offering fifty bucks for voluntary submissions of any human assault weapons.

 

 

Detroit Lakes Police Gotdonuts?

Does That Say What I Think It Says?

Detroit Lakes, MN – In a sad story blooms something funny.

Valley News Live interviewed Tim Eggebraaten in what seemed to be a poor choice of location.  If you look closely behind Mr. Eggebraaten, you can see their comical sign they have up that says “gotdonuts?’

Now was this planned for shits and giggles?  Was the KVLY interviewer feeling daring and positioned him in front of the sign without his knowledge?  Was this Mr. Eggebraaten’s idea for laughs?  We may never know.

Regardless, it’s pretty funny.  Click the pictures for a better view.

 

Detroit Lakes Police Gotdonuts? Detroit Lakes Police gotdonuts?