Baby Duck Swimming In Sink
Leave a reply
Author Archives: Bill Burns
No I’m Not Coming To Your Herbalife Party
Fargo, ND – You’ve probably heard of this company called Herbalife before. Either through your friends or your friends’ friends, and not by choice. Herbalife is a multi-level marketing company and pyramid scheme. They sell average, overpriced, nutrition/weight management/skin-care products.
How does it work? To become a cult member you will need to first murder and sacrifice 10 people. Just kidding! You need to sign up under a sponsor. Kind of the same thing. If you’ve been graced with common sense, like myself, this is the first of many where your bullshit meter will go off. A sponsor is someone who has already been accepted into the cult and will do whatever it takes to annoy the shit out of you until you yourself become a herbalife member under them and only under them. The more members they have under themselves the more money they make. Classic MLM bullshit. If you don’t want to become a distributor, then they will spew copious amounts of bullshit out of their mouth as to why you should buy their shitty overpriced products. This is high comedy. They like to pass themselves off as nutritionists or experts on nutrition. This is just great entertainment for the whole family so be sure to seem very interested when these rocks-for-brains start acting like they actually know what the hell they are talking about.
They try and sell you a dream, a lifestyle. More classic MLM and Pyramid scheme bullshit. What they will tell you is that you can make shit loads of money. “If you sign up under me and buy more shit, you’ll be able to buy yourself a yacht filled with pet dinosaurs in no time! It’s that great!” Sorry numbnuts. Come back to me in a year and let me know how well you’re doing and how much money you’re making. Then take me out on your yacht and we can do herbalife things like the people in the picture below. But, more then likely you don’t have a yacht and are still broke because herbalife is taking all your money.
“I do herbalife things from a boat!”
So you’ve murdered and sacrificed 10 people, sold yourself to the devil, finally gave in and signed up under your sponsor. Now what? Now it’s time to annoy the living shit out of everyone you know to either try and get them to buy shit from you or sign up under you. Your mom, dad, sister, aunt, pet hamster, dog, great grandmother who is dead, everyone. It is within your herbalife cult code of conduct to literally try and make everyone hate you. Literally. They probably won’t tell you, but they do. They hate you. After you’ve annoyed the living shit out of enough people, maybe one or two will cave and start buying your crap only because they want you to shut the hell up and don’t want to talk to you until you ‘place your next order.’
Throw parties!
Ok enough. Enough with the herbalife ‘parties.’ It’s not a fucking party. You want me and everyone else to come over and BUY SHIT. “You don’t have to buy anything.” Well no shit. I don’t go to parties to buy shit. I go to parties to do shots, chug 50 beers, and snort cocaine off tits. That’s a god damn party.
You’re not a business owner or an entrepreneur
I keep seeing these cult members mention their ‘herbalife business’ and how they ‘started their own business’. The main purpose of a business is to increase the wealth of its OWNER. Meaning, the actual owner of HERBALIFE (not you) is making a ton of money. You (herbalife cult member) are an employee. A salseperson for the actual business owner. You make the actual business owners money. You are also a customer. That’s right. You’re their number one customer.
You are not a business owner and probably never will be so quit with your bullshit, ok? Start an actual business and we’ll start taking you seriously. Here’s an idea, “Hooker Tit Diner.” A late night diner & drive-in. If you actually start that then I’ll be your herbalife bitch, now and forever.
Here Is A Picture of A Cute Baby Giarafee
Here is a cute baby giarafee.
Results of the 2012 ‘Best of The Red River Valley’ Competition
Fargo, ND – The Fargo Forum recently ran a poll where readers voted for their favorite foods, events, services and more in the Fargo-Moorhead and surrounding areas. We also ran our own poll where our readers voted as well. The wait is over! Below are the results!
Best of The Red River Valley
Best Bar To Almost Get Thrown Out Of
Best Taxi (Unfortunately we don’t have one. They all suck according to the poll results.)
*check back for more as results are continually coming in
Massive Traffic Jams As Word Gets Out Of Hostess and Twinkies Demise
Fargo, ND – In States all across the U.S., especially Mississippi, Alabama, and West Virginia, massive traffic jams are causing catastrophic mayhem.
On Friday, November 16, Hostess Brands Inc announced that it will wind down the company and go to bankruptcy court after BCTGM Union strike cripples it’s operations.
Word has finally reached the homes of the disabled. Very large and overweight disabled people on electric scooters have been leaving their homes in massive numbers causing massive traffic jams on all major interstates. Overweight people and their electric scooters can be seen in the thousands going as fast as they can, which tops the 10mph mark, to their local Walmart to get their hands on as many Twinkies as their scooter can carry.
AFP/Getty Images
I had a chance to speak to one determined scooter rider. While jogging next to them on the interstate I asked Marlene if it’s really worth it to leave the house as it’s dangerous outside. Her reply was, “AHH! (mumble) MMYEA TWINKIEEEEEEEEES!!!!”
We can expect these traffic jams to continue until all Twinkies are off the shelves.
GIF of Dog Shaking Hands
“Mmmm….ok deal.”
Kellogg’s To Release Brand New Product Line In Colorado and Washington.
Battle Creek, MI – In the wake of the recent election, Kellogg’s plans to release a brand new product line specifically for the states of Colorado and Washington.
For the supporters of marijuana, it was a historic moment as the states of Washington and Colorado recently made it legal to smoke pot recreationally. Gov. John Hickenlooper of Colorado cautioned voters on Tuesday night: “Don’t break out the Cheetos or the Goldfish too quickly.” Why would he say such a thing? That’s because he has your best interest at heart and knows there may be better food to choose from when you get the munchies.
Kellogg’s recently announced that they are to release an entirely new product line specifically for the states of Washington and Colorado. When asked if it has anything to do with marijuana now being legal, Kellogg’s spokesperson had this to say, “Marijuana has nothing to do with our new product line. We feel Washington and Colorado are the best test markets to release a new an improved product line. We want to make it very clear that our products such as pop tarts and cinnamon roll mini-wheats ARE NOT marketed toward marijuana users. We are against this terrible terrible drug and anyone who uses it. Again, our sweet tasting, sugary, FROSTED pop tarts are NOT stoner food nor will they ever be. They are a very healthy snack for anyone. Some of the new products in our line such as Frosted Cheese Dorito Flakes are for the children. We care about providing healthy food to the young and old people of America. Marijuana is the devil!”
An internal product line was leaked and we have some of the new products Kellogg’s plans to release right here!
Cheese Dorito Flakes W/Extra Cheese
Mile High Frosted Pies
Gan Ja Multi-Grain Chocolate Monster Cereal/Lunch/Dinner Bar
Little Bud(ies) Sticky Rice Krispies Bars
Hipstix
Dreaddies Mini-Wheats
Blazed Donuts
Mary Jane’s Smokey Nut Rolls
Giggle Toast (Peanut Butter and Dorito Sandwich – Gluten Free)
Malted Marley Wheat – It’s dank, mon! ®
Aunt Mary’s Wacky Blueberry French Toast Waffles (two scoops of icecream sandwiched between two large blueberry french toast waffles drizzled in a sweet raspberry sauce)
Ashy Kush Balls
Although disappointed that an internal employee would leak such information, Kellogg’s spokesperson would like to reiterate that these products are NOT marketed toward stoners and only just BY CHANCE had already chosen Washington and Colorado as the test markets before it was legalized.
Stay tuned as we release the second part of the product line just recently leaked as well.
What Year Is It? Is That The NDSU Bison Football Team On TV?
Fargo, ND – Another weekend of NDSU football is here. People all over the Fargo-Moorhead area are hunkering down in their warm homes to watch the NDSU Bison try and win another football game.
So here you are. You probably got two pounds of chili to tear through, five varieties of chip dips to eat, and other things cooking on the grill. Your friends are all over, mom and dad stopped by, hell even grandma and grandpa came back down from heaven to watch the game with you. Everything is looking like it’s going to be a great day to watch Bison football. That is, until you turn on the television. You look over to see grandma squinting at the television as she asks, “Is that bull riding on the television? I can’t…..really……..see anything.”
“Are we about to play Tecmo Bowl?” my brother asks.
It is then you realize that you are staring straight into the year 1990. Did you slip into a vortex and time travel back to 1990? Likely not. The broadcast is being beamed to you in standard definition and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Now instead of sitting around the room with your legs sprawled out and nacho cheese on your pregnant looking belly, everyone in the room has to huddle in front of the television to see what is actually going on. Goodbye eyes. Didn’t need you anyways.
Maybe next time you should just just show up at the dome and demand to be let in. State that you are the Bison Thunder God and are here to bring happiness, joy, and pixels for everyone. Or, drive on over to the head office at NDSU and hand them your bill from the eye doctor.
Let Me Bang Bro!
It is mandatory to not wear a shirt in the Ultimate Fighter house.
Romney Loses By Landslide. Walmart To Blame.
Washington, DC – The presidential election is finally over. Obama wins by a landslide and will continue on being President of the United States for another 4 years. However, new reports are coming in as to why Romney lost by such a landslide and Walmart is being blamed.
It is being reported that thousands upon thousands of stupid uneducated voters flocked to area Walmarts thinking that each and every one was an election polling station. Some residents even drove hours upon hours to the closest Walmart only to find out that it was indeed NOT a polling station. Walmart might offer everything, but not voting booths.
Once inside, voters went irate after learning that there were indeed no polling stations. Trampling occurred like that you see on Black Fridays and multiple people have been hurt. Two people reportedly shot. However, this quickly passed as they realized they were in Walmart and could get 50 photo sticker prints printed of their ugly and repulsive baby for ONLY $3!! What a deal!
Without all of these votes, no one will know if Mitt Romney could have won or how much more Obama would’ve beat Romney.
During the next election, Walmart plans on putting up 50ft tall bright neon signs stating that Walmart IS NOT A POLLING STATION in all Walmart locations.