Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Brian Williams’ Entire Identity Now Being Questioned

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Brian Williams? His name is Robert Paulson.

Brian Williams? His name is Robert Paulson.

Nyork, NY – With many beginning to question the factual authenticity of a number of news stories reported by the popular NBC news anchor, some are now even looking into if his name is actually Brian Williams.

Independent investigators looking into the host of NBC Nightly News have now learned that in fact his name is Robert Paulson.

The long-used pseudonym “Brian Williams” was possibly the result of cleverly conflating two names of his former college roommates: Brian Exner and Gordon Williams.

George Washington University is positively confirming his name is Robert Paulson.

Records show that he did not graduate from GWU, which was one of the “big regrets “of his life.

His supposed birthdate of May 5, 1959 also seems to have been bogusly fabricated, along with his presumed affinity for NASCARacing.

Chief Investigator Erron Brooks: “The more we look into this guy, the more questions pop up. But at this juncture, the only thing we know for sure is that: His name is Robert Paulson.”

Retro Spective Of Johnnny’s Last 100 Posts

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My second one hundred posts.

My second 100 posts. Now I can build a longer fence.

Since 200 is such a nice round number (and Roman Numeral CC), it was decided to use the occasion of my 200th post to take a trip down memory lane.

South Park celebrated its 200th episode by calling it simply “200”. It took them until Episode 5 of Season 14 to get there. In that episode, Tom Cruise, along with all of the celebrities ever mocked by South Park, filed a class-action law suit against the town.

So, it’s time once again to look back on Johnnny’s last 100 posts on FM Observer.

All posts are listed as hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

100. Johnnny’s First 100 Posts
101. Fargo Facing Severe Clown Shortage
102. Moorhead Haunted House Worth Avoiding
103. New Luxury Apartments Look Like Stairs
104. Wasps That Killed the FMO
105. GM Recall Expands To All Cars Ever Made
106. Replace Insomnia With 15 Possible Side-Effects
107. First Visionary Church Offers Portal To God
108. New Aquatic Nuisance Species Is A Nightmare From Hell
109. FMO Announces Summer Camp For New Observers
110. Assburger Syndrome Awareness
111. Donatella Versace Shares Her Beauty Secrets
112. No-Driver Taxis To Be Tested In Fargo-Moorhead
113. Youngsters Drinking Coffee Is A Disturbing New Trend
114. Critics Argue That Federal Prisons Are Too Comfortable
115. Amish Taking Applications For A New ND Settlement
116. Church Bazaar Selling Some Bizarre Items
117. Many Towns & Cities Are Being Taken Over By Dogs
118. Fargo Landfill To Be Permanently Closed
119. FM Observer Photo Caption Contest
120. Funny Looking Man Finds Bar Of Gold In Red River
121. Beautiful Meadow Is A Killing Field For LandShark
122. Cloned Cloners Create Two-Headed Mule
123. Bean Bag Toss Game (Cornholio) Goes Back To Caveman Days
124. World-Wide Jogger Returns Home To Nobody
125. Star Trek’s USS Enterprise Coming To Fargo Airport
126. Lady Attacked By Grocery Store Lobsters
127. Janitor Charged With Fondling Church Organ
128. Man Who Weds Daughter Fathers His Own Granddaughter Whom He Marries
129. Winning Lottery Ticket Being Sought In Knoxville Landfill
130. Dr. Finance On Making Big Money With Garage Sales
131. Koi Ponds Provide Hungry Families With Unlimited Fish
132. KFGO Required To Broadcast Half In Spanish
133. WE Fest Cancelled Due To Massive Invasion Of Diseased Ticks
134. Sir Paul McCartney Returning To Fargodome For Another Concert
135. North Dakota Gets One Of Eight Newly Added NFL Teams
136. Dr. Willy Nilly Discusses Living With Phlebitis
137. Janet Reno Named New Vikings Special Teams Coach
138. West Fargo Imposes Total Watering Ban Due To Global Drying
139. Fargo Man Often Mistaken For 16th US President
140. New Detroit Mountain Recreation Area Offers Fun For Everyone
141. Bowler Union Plans Multiple Strikes
142. Moorhead Crocodile Charged With Killing Of Defenseless Calf
143. Many Are Concerned About UFO Lights South Of Moorhead
144. Wendy’s Pay-It-Forward Program Offers Free Meals After Midnight
145. FMO Launching FMO TV From New FMO Corporate Headquarters
146. Area Outdoor Pianos Maybe Not Such A Grand Idea
147. Feral Rabbits Being Readied To Secure Southern Border
148. Star Trek Captain Janeway Wearing Prison Orange For Being Romulan Spy
149. Moorhead Family Found Living In A Pumpkin
150. Red River Zoo Soon Adding One Large Triceratops
151. How To Prepare For The Coming Ebola Pandemic
152. Early Fargo Business Man Attacked By Giant Blue Mountain Swallowtail Butterfly
153. Fargo College Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million
154. Many Fargo Homes Choosing To Go Off The Grid
155. Fargo Leaders Considering Allowing Chicken Fighting
156. Bags Of Money Hidden All Over The FM Area
157. Civilian Trumpet Militia Groups Now Forming In Your Area
158. Meditation Tents One Way To Combat Stress From Mosquitos
159. Ghost Convention To Be Held In Fargo North Dakota
160. New Green Shoes Designed To Lessen Carbon Footprints
161. Wear Pink To Show Support For The NFL
162. White House Ebola Response Team Practicing Their Craft
163. Lumberjack Union Working With CDC To Stop Treebola
164. Fargo Debates Issue Of Downtown Vomit
165. Clever Calibration Errors Ensure Democrat Victories In Every Race
166. Fanatical Mathematical Radical Goes On Problematical Sabbatical
167. NASA Reducing Its Goal To Just Being Able To Successfully Launch A Rocket
168. Vote Yes On Ballot Measure 11: Make FMO The Official Website Of ND
169. Consider Giving Komodo Dragons For Christmas
170. Some Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller (2014)
171. Hunting Mishap Almost Put Youngster Behind Bars
172. Sign Up Now For Exciting Parade Of Hoarder Homes
173. Ray Rice Challenges Any Woman To Fight Him In An Elevator
174. Government To Begin Grouping People Into Sick Camps By What Diseases We Have
175. More Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller (2013)
176. Stephen Kink’s New Toxic Santa’s Revenge To Change Christmas Forever
177. How To Keep Your Dog From Pissing On Your Christmas Tree
178. Join FMO On A Whirlwind Trip Around The World
179. Heineken Home Deliveries Being Well Received
180. Wrap Framed Art To Decorate Your Home For Christmas
181. Win A New Robot For The New Year
182. Obama To Send All Republicans Into Outer Space
183. Missing Cat Found Wrapped Up Under Tree
184. FMO To Sponsor Fargo Senior Citizen Soccer Team
185. Young Pigs Express Concern Upon Learning Where Bacon Comes From
186. Million Dollar Painting Found In Garage Rafters
187. Drug Companies To Give Bill Cosby Lifetime Achievement Award
188. Looking Back On Some Of The Top Stories In 2014
189. Local Man Who Dreamed He Was Flying Wakes Up In Tokyo
190. Top Ten Norwegian Proverbs
191. Hundreds Of Misguided Bison Fans Mistakenly Went To San Francisco
192. Art Show To Help Dog Owners Buy More Dog Food For More Dogs
193. How Many Clones Are Running In This Circle?
194. New PolyPax Chance To Turn Your Life Around
195. New Dollar Hotel Perfect For Some Budgets
196. Another FMO Adult Education Class: Computer Maintenance
197. It’s The Year Of The Owl
198. Prejudicial Scapegoating OK Except When It Comes To Goats
199. New Duplicator Machine Can Duplicate Anything!

The New Duplicator Machine Can Duplicate Anything!

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Whatever you put in here, you will get two! Now available wherever machines are sold!

Whatever you put in here, you will get two! Now available wherever machines are sold!

Dupo, Illinois – If you were waiting for the next new big thing by way of inventions, wait no longer. What some may think is straight out of an episode of Star Trek, is now a reality.

Brought to you by the same folks who brought you time travel, The DupliTron 3000® allows Joe Consumer to virtually and literally clone anything he can cram inside.

Just imagine being able to create a back-up of that beautifully expensive engagement ring you just purchased for your future ex-wife. Simply put it in The DupliTron 3000® and presto, you now have two!

Here’s how it works: You place an object inside the DupliCation Chamber, close the door, set your DupliCation Coordinates on full blast then hit the ‘Start’ button. The DupliTron 3000® then arranges your item’s molecular structure in just such a way that it clones each and every atom. Presto! You now have two of the same object!

Here’s what some stunned people are saying about The DupliTron 3000®:

“I am totally stunned,” said Merv Bankwood from Golden Grove, AZ.

“Seeing is believing but I still don’t,” admitted Blanche Paterson from Ronco, TX.

“Maybe I’ll buy two of them!” opined JJ Tatonio from Hato Candal, CA.

Inventors of the DupliTron 3000® strongly advise against attempting to clone anything twice. Don’t be greedy! This will result in a loss of fidelity much like what happens at the Pet Sematary. Any twice-cloned items will come out disfigured and rank with pure evil. Do not do this! You can’t sue the company if you’re dead.

Look for your DupliTron 3000® at any stores where cool stuff is sold. With your very own duplication machine, your imagination is the only limit!

Prejudicial Scapegoating OK Except When It Comes To Goats

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These goats are pissed off, and for good reason.

These goats are pissed off, and for good reason.

Social Circle, Georgia – We all know that in the world of social psychology, the breakdown of healthy family relationships can result in nasty prejudicial scapegoating.

But don’t try telling that to these goats, who say they will have nothing of the sort!

When it comes to unresolved conflicts that can threaten the stability and continuity of family relationship systems, count these goats out. They’re not playing the Scapegoat Game, if you will.

“Anyone who is ‘different’ often becomes the victim and therefore becomes punished by the others”, explained a clearly upset spokesgoat for the Goat Group. “And more often than not, scapegoats who attempt to address unresolved family conflicts end up being held responsible for the very problems they are trying to rectify!”

Luckily, these goats have a time-tested solution which they have found works for them and will hopefully also apply to you and your messed up family situation.

The answer lies in simply disentangling all of the interlocking pathologies that have grown together like weeds in an abandoned garden from which you and your family used to derive pleasure, joy, and that wonderful togetherness which Father Goat intended for all in His flock.

So now, get the flock out of here and go find some greener pastures in which to practice the art of prejudicial scapegoating avoidance.

It’s The Year Of The Owl

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Who are you?

I’m kind of a night owl.

Owls Head, NY – Even though it will be the Year of the Sheep for the Chinese New Year, for the rest of the world it is the: Year of the Owl!

Owls seem to be the new hip thing that everyone is into, and for some very good reasons.

Here are some interesting facts about our owl friends that you may or may not have known.

Owls are super smart, which is why a group of owls is called a parliament. The oldest owl is referred to as the Speaker of the House. Whenever you hear owls saying “Hoo Hoo”, this means they are taking a voice vote on an important owl issue in their area.

Owl eyes do not move in their heads because they are like an expensive pair of night-vision binoculars. This is why most people close they window shades at night before getting ready for bed.

Owl ears are not symmetric on their heads just like Stephen Colbert’s ears. This is so they can better determine where sounds are coming from, in order to find where the parties are.

In flight, owls can fly completely silently due to their stealth technology, which they eventually shared with the U.S. military aircraft industry, who then went on to share it with all of our enemies.

Owls are nocturnal, which means that when it’s hunting time, they make a “knocking” sound when it’s their “turn” to go get a snack. This is their special way of communicating with other hungry owls in order to prevent embarrassing mid-air collisions.

Just like the girl in the Exorcist, all owls can turn their heads 720 degrees which (may sound hot, but it) translates into two full head spins. They do this to attract a mate during dating season (or a date during mating season).

Finally, just like Hedwig from Harry Potter fame, every owl has a name. If you call out to an owl with its correct name, chances are you will soon have a visitor landing on your deck, who would love to listen to you talon a story.

Another FMO Adult Education Class: Computer Maintenance

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caption here

Computer Maintenance is as easy as 1-2-3!

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to bring you another free on-line adult education class.

We here at the FM Observer believe learning should never stop.

As Fred Robertson always says: “Instruction ends in the school-room but education ends only with life.”

In this latest installment of our free on-going on-line classes, we turn our attention to: Computer Maintenance.

Everyone knows that the best person to teach such a class is any random 4th grader from the area.

Spencer Haskins, who is 10 years old, has put together some great tips and tricks to help you with your computer. Enjoy!

  • To speed up your random access memory swaps, remove the hardrive with a pliers and scrub it down with some steel wool pads that have been soaked in warm rubbing alcohol.
  • A common mistake most computer owners make is to not take their new computer completely apart when they first remove it from the box.
  • To protect your computer from unwanted viruses, wrap it in a towel and then in a combination of duck tape and aluminum foil which should keep out those nasty malwares.
  • If your computer is running as slow as a government worker, try pouring some espresso onto the main power drivebox.
  • To switch out your spambox, first calibrate your functional load capacitator which should be listed on the motherboard back safety panel.
  • If you sense your computer is developing a negative capacity backload, try reloading the spark magnets which are available at any Ace hardware store.
  • To check your switchload relay box, remove the amp pad and rewire it over to the torsion bar equalizers.
  • Try to not let your cookies touch your firewall as you may experience a burning smell not unlike your doorbellbox on Halloween eve.
  • To calculate your overall bandwidth, carefully measure the width of your band and then multiple by the band thickness (measured in nanometers).
  • To clean your keyboard, hold it upside down with both paws and begin hitting it onto the edge of your kitchen counter until all the keytops have become unattached.
  • If your modem is running slowly, it could just be cold, so simply grab another analog and throw it on the firewall.

New Dollar Hotel Perfect For Some Budgets

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Bunk for a Buck @ The DoHo

Moorhead, MN – A new budget hotel is coming to the Fargo-Moorhead area.

The Dollar Hotel will offer basic discount luxury.

“Think of the DoHo as the hotel version of the Dollar Store”, said someone.

Each room will smartly come with a single bed.

Also provided will be an alarm clock radio, a Rubik’s cube, some unique art, and an adorable used stuffed animal.

In addition, DoHo guests will have access to a shared bathroom called the Water Closet (just like in Europe).

Looking for a nice little get-a-way? Only have a dollar? Find your way to the Dollar Hotel where their slogan is: Bunk for a Buck!

New PolyPax Chance To Turn Your Life Around

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Get PolyPax. Go PolyPax. Live PolyPax.

With PolyPax, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Venturia, ND – Polypax Corporation is now accepting applications for extremely motivated entrepreneurs to expand the PolyPax domination of the PolyPax marketplace world-wide.

If you have moderate to zero experience using any previous PolyPax make or models and have not been convicted of more than one felony in the past six months, PolyPax wants to talk to you immediately in Conference Room B.

“Why make 10% of 10% of the profits when you can make 90% of 90% of the profits”, says Bev Shepler from Idaho Springs, Colorado.

And it’s all Tax-Free!

“As a night-shift accountant, PolyPax Corporation really seems to have their ducks in a row”, believes Harold Block, who’s had PolyPax installed in every room of his garden-level apartment.

Hurry to contact PolyPax today!

Dumpster Johnstone says: “I am so glad my x-wife told me about PolyPax. Now that we’re re-married again, this time it might actually work out just like in the movies, thanks to PolyPax.”

Ask to arrange for a free MRI at any of the three participating Radiological Convenience Stations.

Use Friend Code “PolyPax-123” when they ask who gets the kickback.

PolyPax President Mukesh Bindra: “Once you try the PolyPax advantage without experiencing any of the many possible adverse side effects, you will never not want PolyPax again, guaranteed!”

Go PolyPax! Get PolyPax! Love PolyPax! Live PolyPax! And do it today before PolyPax Corporation gets shut down by curiously persistent Federal Regulators!

Art Show To Help Dog Owners Buy More Dog Food For More Dogs

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“Dog Food Factory” by Amsterdam Douglass

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer will soon be hosting an art sale to help assist pet owners who cannot afford to buy food for their ever-hungry pets.

FMO Staff artist Amsterdam Douglass has donated his famous “Dog Food Factory” painting to get the ball rolling. Hopefully other area artists will jump on board once they see the benefit of helping people feed their dogs so that we can perhaps increase the overall pet population in our area.

Jerry Mumbo, Executive Director of Feed Animals Today (FAT) believes it’s good to increase people’s dependency on supplemental sources of incomes.

“By helping low-income dog owners purchase dog food for their little Shih-Tzus, this might encourage these people to eventually add a dog or two to their pack thus increasing their need for further assistance.” says Jerry.

Mr. Mumbo: “I’m sure everyone agrees it’s a real win/win situation: Hungry dogs get fed. Dog owners have more money to spend on beer and cigarettes. The assistance program creates good-paying jobs, like mine. And finally, neighborhoods throughout our area will end up with more and more dogs to shit in our yards and bark during our sleep.”

If you would like to help, dial any random phone number and tell whomever answers that you love dogs, especially when they’re untrained and off-leash.