Category Archives: National

FM Observer Invites Russians To Bookmark Our Website

The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

The FM Observer reaches out to Mother Russia.

Dear People Of Mother Russia: Дорогие люди России-матушки:

We are your friends. Мы ваши друзья.

We mean you no harm. Мы не причиним вам никакого вреда.

We come in peace and have vodka. Мы пришли с миром и есть водку.

Since Putin has shutdown your state media, we invite you to save our website in your list of favorites. Поскольку Путин имеет выключение государственные СМИ, мы приглашаем вас, чтобы спасти наш сайт в свой ​​список фаворитов.

Our website, the FM Observer, can provide you an excellent source of news from around the world. Наш сайт, FM-наблюдатель, может обеспечить вам отличный источник новостей со всего мира.

The FM stands for Fargo Moorhead. FM выступает за Fargo Moorhead.

We call our website the Observer because we observe people at grocery stores and fitness centers and in parking lots. Мы называем наш сайт по наблюдению, поскольку мы наблюдаем людей в продуктовых магазинах и фитнес-центров и на парковках.

We are decent people who like a good time. Мы порядочные люди, которые любят хорошо провести время.

We can also hopefully make you laugh during the long cold Russian winter. Мы можем также, надеюсь, заставит вас смеяться в течение долгой холодной русской зимы.

We also like to drink vodka and sing songs. Мы также хотели пить водку и петь песни.

Some of us have large vegetable gardens. Некоторые из нас имеют большие огороды.

Some men here like to dress up as women. Некоторые мужчины здесь любят наряжаться, как женщины.

Sometimes when other drivers cut in front of us, we experience Road Rage. Иногда, когда другие водители сократить перед нами, мы испытываем Road Rage.

We are just like you except different. Мы, как и вы, за исключением по-другому.

We want you to like us on Facebook. Мы хотим, чтобы вы были бы мы на Facebook.

If you need anything from the American people, contact Secretary John Kerry. Если вам нужно что-нибудь от американского народа, свяжитесь секретаря Джона Керри.

kanye west white tshirt

Kanye West T-Shirt Available Once Again.

kanye west white tshirt

Bitch, how you not the hobbit again?

A few months back, Kanye west released upon the masses a $120 dollar ‘hip hop’ white t-shirt.  You read that right.  A $120 dollar regular white cotton t-shirt.  If you were planning on trying to stop the planet because you’re done with the ride, now would be the time .  This $120 dollar white t-shirt SOLD OUT immediately.  Yes, stupid people bought this.

It’s been really hard to get your hands on this one of a kind, totally worth it, $120 dollar white cotton t-shirt.  That is, until recently.

The t-shirt is back in stock now but with a twist.  Are you ready to hear this folks?  Probably the best thing you will hear until 2020.  Ok.  Last time.  Are you ready?  You can now buy a $120 DARK NAVY t-shirt!!!!  Yea that’s right.  Starve yourself of food for a couple months so you can go out and buy this one of a kind navy blue t-shirt.

This t-shirt is a genius collaboration between A.P.C and Kanye West.  We can assume the conversation went like this.

Kanye: Yo bitches I got a genius idea, because i’m a genius.  Ok ok.  Get this.  We should sell a white t-shirt!  Nobody has ever done it before! Fuck i’m a genius.  You think i’m a genius?  Yea you know i’m a genius.

APC: You are a true genius nigga.  Let’s get that nigga shit in production right away.  This is fucking genius.  You’re so genius, i’m so genius, we’re just two genius niggas.  I fuck bitches.

You can follow the link to purchase the all mighty, genius, white cotton t-shirt.  Or, if you would like to NOT starve for a couple months, you can go to Target and buy this one for a low low price of $8 dollars.  You decide.

I do think the Kanye West t-shirt is worth it if and only if you buy an affliction t-shirt to wear over it.

You’re a total baller now AND a fucking genius.

One Millionth ObamaCare Signee To Receive Free Healthcare For Life

YOU might be our one millionth customer!

YOU might be our one millionth customer!

Washington, DC—In an effort to bolster support for his controversial new healthcare system, President Obama announced today that the 1,000,000th Affordable Care Act registrar will be awarded free healthcare for life.

“Unlimited doctor visits, a lifetime of x-rays, more prescription pills than your kidneys and liver can handle. They’ll fill you so full of chemotherapy, it’ll be coming out your eye-holes!” Obama proclaimed during a late-afternoon White House presser.

“The Affordable Care Act is meant to provide low-cost health insurance to many, but our one millionth customer will enjoy free MRIs, CATs, PAPs and EKGs for life,” the President added. “No paying out the ass for premiums and deductibles for one lucky Joe. No crippling debt as a result of too many doctor visits for one lucky dog. So, sign up! Let’s get to one million! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

Obama finished the press conference by throwing a handful of ObamaCare KEEP THIS COUPON tickets into the crowd. Who will be the one millionth signee? Visit www.healthcare.gov to find out more.

OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car

Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it

Under ObamaCar, you can keep your current car, if you like it…period!

Warshington, DC – President Obama’s new Affordable Car Act (or as many affectionately call it: ‘ObamaCar’) was secretly rammed through Congress by Democrats in the middle of the night, while unsuspecting Republicans were asleep at the wheel.

Then, to sell the flawed plan to the American people, President Obama repeatedly told cheering hand-picked crowds in all the blue states:

“If you like your car, you can keep your car…period!”

“You and your family, yawl can keep your car, if you like it!”

“I guarantee that if you like your car dealership, and you like your car, you will be able to keep them!”

Unfortunately, it is not playing out this way.

Under ObamaCar, millions of Americans who thought that they would be able to keep their cars, are now losing them.

With the ever-expanding government now taking control of all car dealerships, and mandating that Americans purchase a government-approved ObamaCar, automobile prices are now starting to sky rocket (just as Senator Cruz predicted).

Plus, a new round of taxes will kick in right after the elections to help pay for part of the giant new bureaucracy that is being created to run it all.

The Automobile Device Tax will significantly raise taxes on the Middle Class to pay for free ObamaCars to be given to all undocumented Democrats.

You have until the end of February to get rid of your unapproved car and purchase an ObamaCar, or the IRS will be scheduling you and all your relatives for full audits.

President Obama has personally hired an army of ObamaCar Navigators who are paid well to teach you how to “beat the system”. Many of these Navigators are convicted felons. Some of them will soon be getting out of prison and would love to visit your home and get to know you.

To sign up for ObamaCar, you can either use the handy-dandy website: ObamaCar.gov (which is not ready yet), or call a helpful ObamaCar Navigator via the toll-free number: 1-800-SCREW-YOU.

Snoopy Banned From Parade For Using Inhalants

Snoopy be bad doggy!

Snoopy be bad doggy!

New York, New York – America’s most loved mutt has been banned from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Snoopy has tested positive for using inhalants.

Authorities first suspected the mongrel of inhalant usage after noticing slurred speech, a general dazed appearance, unusual hostility toward others, and rashes around his mouth and nose.

“We are very disappointed in this unfortunate development”, said Webb Eubanks who is essentially the Executive Director for the Big Parade. “In fact, we are disappointed to the point of disbelief.”

Top parade officials admitted that Snoopy was the last celebrity character that they would have thought would use inhalants. SpongeBob, Kermit, or The Smurfs have all had problems with inhalant usage in the past, but they all tested negative.

The investigation is on-going. Charlie Brown’s home is being searched for signs of inhalants since he is the owner of the dog. Linus and Lucy may be included, as they have each gone through detox within the past year.

In an effort to deter youngsters from using inhalants, it should be noted that one of the possible long-term effects from using inhalants is: death.

ISIS Family Celebrates Joyous “Death To America” Holiday

article-2417354-1BC1FC32000005DC-108_634x317Al Jalaa, Syria—ISIS families across the Middle-East are set to gather around the tire fire tomorrow evening for their yearly Death To America holiday celebration. Death To America day coincides with the American holiday of Thanksgiving.

Terrorists are excited for this year’s festivities. “ISIS يكره ويريد أن يقتل الأميركيين كل يوم باعتبارها وسيلة للحياة، ولكن مرة واحدة في السنة التقويمية، ونحن نجتمع في وئام والغضب. الموت لأمريكا” (ISIS hates and wants to kill Americans every day as a way of life, but once in a calendar year, we meet in harmony, angry. Death to America), said terrorist Kabal Akhbar-Jalalabad in an interview via Skype. “نشاهد الأخبار الخاصة بك، ونحن نرى البرامج التلفزيونية الخاصة بك. السعادة نحن يحتقر ذلك. الطريقة الأميركية في الحياة يزعج بشدة الله وجميع أولئك الذين يتبعون. الموت للكفار, (We watch your news, we see your TV programs. Happiness: We despise it. American way of life strongly disturbs Allah and all those who follow. Death to the infidels,)” he added, while tonguing his AK-47.

Akhbar-Jalalabad went on to explain that he is taking his family to Chuck Cheeze. After that, they will return home to perform their “Death to Infidels” ceremony where the family sits huddled around the tire fire with each child picking a random family out of a US phone book whom the child wishes death to via a series of heartwarming Islamic incantations.

The ceremony is typically followed by ritualistic slaughter of Sacred Chickens but times are tough, says Akhbar-Jalalabad, so they are without Sacred Chickens this year. “ربما نحن جزار تركيا الثمين بدلا من ذلك، ها ها ها ها ها. الموت لأمريكا. (Maybe we butcher Turkey precious instead, ha ha ha. Death to America.)”

World’s Greatest Dad Mug Added to Dad Hall Of Fame

worlds_greatest_dad_mug-rb7ab8b6caef243e4aed25519a6fdf9a0_x7jgr_8byvr_512Flint, MI—The results are in! The yearly induction of fatherly memorabilia into the Dad Hall Of Fame has been decided. Executives have voted to induct the World’s Greatest Dad mug into the Dad Hall Of Fame in Flint, Michigan.

The coronation and induction ceremony was held Wednesday, November 13th so as not to interrupt any televised football, baseball or meaningful basketball games.

It was a tight race. World’s Greatest Dad mug beat out other finalist Kiss The Cook apron with a little over 60% of the vote.

Officials placed the World’s Greatest Dad mug in between a pair of cut-off jorts and a pair of Crocs with socks.

Google Maps Street View Boat Discovers Bermuda Triangle

Google-Street-View-BoatMountain View, CA—Google’s proprietary mapping application Google Maps continues to bring locations around the globe to the tips of your fingers with its roving band of Street View camera cars, jeeps and boats. There is reason to celebrate today at Google headquarters as the Street View team seems to have hit the jackpot with their latest discovery.

Bermuda-Triangle

The Bermuda Triangle

The second they are taken, Street View vehicles transmit pictures instantaneously via satellite to Google headquarters in Mountain View, CA.

One of Google’s spyboats snapped this photo (seen at right) from smack dab in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean between Puerto Rico, Florida and Bermuda—also known as the Bermuda Triangle. A giant suction vortex can be seen in the photo which was presumably taken moments before the unmanned spyboat met its doom.

Google executives and Bermuda Triangle theorists alike are ecstatic over the discovery of this giant drainage system in the Atlantic. NASA has already caught wind of it and is said to be preparing a Mars rover for deployment into the Bermuda Sinkhole.

So there you have it–the Bermuda Triangle is an enormous toilet. Perhaps we will finally figure out where all those planes and boats disappeared to over the years?

Flamingo Union To Go On Strike

Angry flamingos to go on strike

Angry flamingos go on strike

Flamingo Road, FL – Angered by the recent government shut-down’s effect on business at FlamingoLand, and the fact that Obamacare is only for humans and not for birds, hundreds of pink flamingos are threatening to go on strike.

One of our more avian FM Observers reported that: “Hundreds of these gorgeous birds are flaming mad and are seriously threatening to get the flock out of here. I haven’t seen anything like this since that massive cat fight at a Fargo strip club, that nobody ever goes to, but whose parking lot is always full.”

Apparently some folks driving by the flock are being flipped the bird, as a sign that these flamingos mean business and want to talk some turkey.

Grebance counselors are being bussed in from neighboring ponds in a last-bitch effort to curtail the strike. If the Flamingo Union’s demands are not met, they might file a formal grebance (the common legal course of action by birds in the Grebe Family).

Even though flamingos are usually non-migratory creatures, they are still threatening to fly the coop and take their colorful culture to pinker pastures, where being disrespected is the exception and not the norm.