Tag Archives: headline

Amanda Smock Having A Hard Time Finding A Job After Recent News Coverage

Fargo, ND – Former North Dakota State University Amanda Smock won the triple jump at the U.S. Olympic Trials last Monday, June 25th.

This great achievement has produced North Dakota State’s first United States Olympic track and field athlete.  However, it hasn’t all been good news.

Since all the recent news coverage last week, Amanda Smock has stated that she has had a very hard time landing a job.  Her recent pictures plastered all over the internet have fooled potential employers into thinking that she may not all be right in the head.  She could possibly have a mental disorder or brain damage and unable to fulfill all required job requirements.

One employer, after seeing Amanda’s job application, searched the internet to creep and get some dirt on her.  What he found were pictures of her running such as the ones below.

amanda smock

“After seeing these I said to myself, there is no way this women can fulfill all the job requirements.  Not with that face.  Nope.  No way.  Something isn’t right there” the employer stated.

Another employer saw her job application as well and did as the previous creepy employer did, searched the internet.  He unfortunately found the picture below.

Amanda Smock Funny Face

Amanda Smock posing for the camera.

Immediately after seeing the picture above he threw her application into the garbage.  “There is no way I can hire a women who looks to be shitting themselves while running.  It just isn’t going to work.  Not gonna happen” the other employer stated.

We wish Amanda Smock the best of luck at the Olympics.  After a win there, hopefully future potential employers will disregard her pictures on the internet and consider hiring her.

 

Aliens Invading Fargo Moorhead

Mothership! Aliens Invading Fargo-Moorhead Workforce!

Aliens Invading Fargo MoorheadWest Fargo, ND – It’s True!!!  Aliens have been spotted around the Fargo-Moorhead area.  However, they are in a place you would least expect.  Working right next to you!

That’s right.  Aliens have been trying to mingle amongst us here on earth for quite sometime and now their act has been compromised.  How long has this been going on?  How long have they been infiltrating our human race?  All good questions that we have no answers to.

These human like aliens have been showing up in the Fargo-Moorhead workforce recently.  Not because of their looks but because of the way they act.

Reports have been coming in of co-workers, managers, and bosses projecting weird and confusing like behavior from these “humans.”

Some reported observed behaviors include:

– micromanaging
– eating very loud crunchy food at their desk
– shitting in the bathroom as loud as possible and not flushing
– somehow getting their pubic hair on the ceiling in the bathroom
– using corporate phrases such as “synergy”
– running to the bathroom out of nowhere because they are probably shitting an alien baby out of their rectum
– eating more food at their desk
– laughing while wheezing uncontrollably
– take 1 hour 30 min lunches and then complain when you take 1 hour and 10 min lunches
– creating unnecessary meetings or stand-up meetings when there are only two people
– talking where the words “bullshit” literally come out of their mouth, all in visible colorful letters
– creating answering machine greetings for their voicemail every morning where they make sure to include today’s date
– making sure they press the hang up button on their phone first before putting the phone down (aliens don’t know that they can just hang the phone up)
– business casual to them means t-shirts, flip flops, and christmas sweaters in march

These are just a few of the obvious signs that this person is NOT HUMAN.

Recent research has suggested that the mothership of these alien “humans” or “workers” is located in Tioga, ND.  It is believed that they convene there to get new instructions uploaded into their alien brains, training, maintenance, and other things.

This is serious business people.  If we don’t act now, what will become of the world?  What will your children have to deal with?  I’ll tell you.  Stinky alien shit.  That is what everyone will have to deal with if they don’t act soon.  You will all be eating stinky alien shit for the rest of your lives, your children’s lives, and your children’s children’s lives.  Now that is something to NOT look forward to.

Local 10-year-old Heard Cussing At Dinner Table Denied Ice Cream

Fargo, ND – An area 4th-grader was recently denied the privilege of dessert after his mother overheard him voice his disapproval of dinner. The boy, said by his mother to have been watching an “inappropriate movie” with his father, is alleged to have called dinner “cold and shitty by the time we all sat down to eat”. The mother, upon hearing the child mutter these profanities under his breath, immediately sent the child to his room which, in turn, revoked his privilege of dessert that the rest of the family was able to indulge in. The Observer caught up with the boy to get his side of the story:

“Liver and onions is fucking shitty and I hate it, so…”

The lesson learned here is simple: avoid liver and onions at all costs, even if it costs you dessert.

Trucker Breaks Guiness World Record Clogging Toilets In All 50 States

Richmond, VA – Trucker Randy Burton has made history in one of the grossest ways possible. Mr. Burton has plenty of time to think about life while on the road, and recently, he let his crazy thoughts get away from him while on the john. Early on in the spring he pondered to himself, “I’m about to absolutely destroy this toilet here in Alabama. I could probably demolish a toilet in Arkansas tomorrow. If I really dedicate my ass to this, I could decimate a toilet in every state in America!”

Randy, you could not be more correct. So right on, in fact, that the good folks at Guiness took notice and made Randy’s toilet trek worthwhile by awarding him the world record for slaying “50 Johns, 50 States, in 50 Days”. Congratulations Randy, you big nasty bastard.

Sting Operation At Dog Park Results In Arrest

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Public fornication

Fargo, ND – The police K-9 unit in Fargo, acting on an anonymous tip, recently enacted a sting operation resulting in an arrest at the dog park on 45th Street in Fargo.

The tipster, who shall choose to remain anonymous, informed police that he or she witnessed many acts of public lewdness and fornication occurring at the 45th Street doggie harem. Canines were reported by the informant to have been copulating each other in the act of “doggystyle” publicly, in broad daylight. The horror!

Fargo police, acting on this tip, promptly sent in a member of their K-9 drug-sniffing unit dressed as a prostitute to try & nab one of the alleged pervert pups. The K-9 hung it out there, and one of the dogs went for it almost instantly. Police crashed the sex party and arrested the drooling canine on the spot, citing “public indecency” among other charges.

Chalk up a victory for the Fargo Police Department for bringing another sex-crazed pervert to justice.

The Asian Nudist Ninja

West Fargo Police Searching For Elusive Asian Nudist

West Fargo, ND – One small Asian man is causing quite the ruckus in our growing city of West Fargo, North Dakota and people have started to call the police.

The West Fargo Police Department have stated that they are looking for a nude man who has been showing up all over town.  Several people have called the police department in the last couple months about the nudist running through fields, random backyards, and in one instance, going down slides at random city parks.  Ouch.  That has to hurt.

Officers have had absolutely no luck finding him and have no idea who this man is.  He is simply too elusive.  I would like to name him “The Asian Nudist Ninja” if that is ok?

Police will continue to look for this individual but would like to state that since Asians have such small penises, it is very hard to arrest The Asian Nudist Ninja with indecent exposure because he technically isn’t “exposing” anything.

Please keep an eye out.  If you see a nude man running wildly through your back yard, jumping fences like a gazelle, you are asked to please call the West Fargo Police Department.

Fargo Panhandlers Super AIDS

Fargo To Crack Down On Small Businesses

Fargo Panhandlers Super AIDSFargo, ND – Small business owners, and by small business I mean panhandlers, will have to take their business elsewhere.

Panhandlers have been filing business license applications in records numbers lately in the hopes to become their own small business.  The panhandling profession has become very profitable in the Fargo area and citizens are growing concerned.

On Monday, city commissioners voted unanimously to expand a city ordinance that bans panhandling in Fargo.  Recently there have been a growing number of complaints and concerns of these small business owners lurking on street corners and medians all around Fargo asking and begging for money.

I went and spoke with one small business owner who was lurking on 13th ave and 45th ST. and asked him what he thought of the new ordinance.

“I need grocery money man.  I also need video games, leopard print underwear, and cognac.  It’s hard being a business owner and I’m out here just trying to keep the business afloat.  This new ordinance could put hardworking people out of business!” he said.

Another panhandler stated, “What am I going to do if I’m put out of business?!?  I’m going to have to come back out here and ask for even more money!  What is wrong with this country!!”

Meanwhile, you will be seeing signs such as the one below on busy street corners and intersections in an attempt to remind people not to feed the animals….er…….panhandlers.

Please Do Not Feed the Wildlife

 

Pair of lungs or some other organ found on LA sidewalk

Los Angeles, CA – Sunday evening, authorities received a call to investigate what was reported to be a pair of lungs stuck to a south Los Angeles county sidewalk. With a veritable frenzy of visceral criminal activity sweeping the nation these days, the presence of (human?) lungs on a sidewalk does not surprise this reporter one bit. The Observer has no doubt that a backyard organ transplant went awry, causing the “doctor” to toss the ineffective organs out a moving car window. But what became of the body? Was the failed transplant victim’s corpse chopped up & stuffed down the drain? Is human life no longer sacred to us?? Will I become King of America someday?? Will the Cubs ever win the world series??? These are the burning questions.

The organs were turned over to the county coroner for examination. The police could not be sure if they were actually lungs or possibly a discarded placenta. The Observer is anxiously awaiting the coroner’s report.

LeBron James grateful for another shot at losing NBA Finals

Miami, FL – NBA MVP LeBron James has once again, for the 2nd straight year and 3rd time in his career, led his team to the NBA Finals earning yet another shot at despair and failure. King James has been terrific throughout his career at playing well when it doesn’t count and putting up fantastic numbers pretty much always, except during clutch moments. This upcoming finals series will prove no different, as James is poised to make it 3-for-3:

“I’ve been here before. I know what it takes to lose. Instead of being the man in a clutch moment, I plan on deferring to a random teammate. I’m going to push hard for D-Wade to make things happen. Playing the role of decoy is what works for me and guarantees a series loss for my team.”

King went on to predict that his Heat would hang with the Thunder for “maybe 5 or 6” games, but if it went the full 7 he thinks they would definitely get blown out. We wish the best of luck to both teams as the first ever NBA Finals battle between two weather patterns gets underway this Tuesday.

Young Bird West Fargo

Naked Young Bird Found Dazed and Confused


Young Bird West Fargo

West Fargo, ND – Junior, a young bird from West Fargo, was seen this afternoon looking dazed and confused, lost, and completely wrecked.  He was also not wearing any clothes.

I tried to talk to him but it was no use.  He couldn’t understand a damn word I was saying.  He just looked at me with a very confused and puzzled face.

Finally I was able to locate his parents nearby who have been looking for junior since this morning.  I found out he left with some friends last night to go “learn nest building skills” but never returned home.  After taking one look at junior this morning it’s pretty evident that they went out and got totally shit faced.

Junior was last seen stumbling back home guided by his pissed off parents.

Although I would have loved to hear Junior’s crazy stories from last night and why he was found not wearing any clothes, he was at least found which makes for a great ending to a story on a Friday.