Tag Archives: horse

Pandemic Social Distancing, North Dakota Style

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Do like the Lone Ranger did: Don’t get within gunshot distance of anyone!

Medora, ND – Serious times require serious measures, which is why North Dakotans are being asked to stay as far away from each other as possible.

How far is considered safe?

Well, the definition of a plain is one tree per square mile, and this is a good guide for ideal social distancing in North Dakota during pandemically trying times.

Take a lesson from the Lone Ranger, who never contracted any social diseases during his entire career as the Lone Ranger.

Legend has it that the Lone Ranger never got within a mile of anyone, except when he was going out on a date, when he allowed himself to get within shouting distance of the lady.

This would also explain why the Lone Ranger never had any children.

Burp McGuire Explains The Difference Between A Horse, Donkey, Mule, And Jackass

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Burp McGuire knows four-legged animals like the FM Observer knows real fake news.

West Fargo, ND – Our very own Burp McGuire answers a good question from one of our faithful readers.

Tammy LaConk asks: Dear Burp, what is the difference between a horse, a donkey, a mule, a jackass and a zebra?

Burp: Dear Tammy, thank you for your great question!

The answer is quite simple:

A male horse is called a stallion. A female horse is called a mare. A young donkey is called a foal. A male donkey is a jackass. A female donkey is known as a jennet or jenny. A male donkey is called a jack or an ass. A jackass is also called an ass or a jack. A burro is simply the Spanish word for donkey. A mule is the opposite of a hinny. A mule can either be a male or female. A zorse is the result of a male zebra and a female horse. A mule is the result of a male donkey and a female horse. A zedonk is the result of a male zebra and a female donkey. A hinny is the result of a male horse and a female donkey. A donkey has 62 chromosomes. A horse has 64 chromosomes. A mule has 63 chromosomes which is why they cannot reproduce. A mule is sterile because of its odd number of chromosomes. Some famous jackasses include AssAssin, Jassack, and SmartAss. One famous mule is Ferris Muler.

Kentucky Derby To Be Re-Raced For First Time In Its History

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The muddiest two minutes in sports were then followed by the muddiest 22 minutes in horse racing!

Louisville, KY – For the first time ever in its 145 year history, the Kentucky Derby will be re-run.

This unprecedented re-running of the Race For The Roses is due to a very controversial finish which resulted in the second biggest long shot ever to win the race, and which many consider a total fluke.

Maximum Security got called for interfering with War Of Will which breaks the racing Code Of Honor and which led to a Maximum Security disqualification which resulted in the Game Winner being 65-1 long shot Country House who was the Improbable horse to take home the roses.

But hold your horses! After much post-race day debate, the Kentucky Derby will be run again to see who the real winner is!

A Brief History Of Colorado

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All roads lead to Coopersmith’s!

Fort Collins, CO – One of the first settlers to the Colorado area was Dr. Cooper Smith. In fact, he named the state after his horse whose name was Colorado.

Having been interested in brewing beer since he was a young boy, Dr. Cooper Smith later worked as a bartender at the Zanzi-Bar while working in the Peace Corps. Becoming fluent in Swahili, Cooper learned how to brew beer from some of the local Kenyan experts.

Using this knowledge, Dr. Smith opened his own brew pub after building a fort around the town of Collins. To this day, Coopersmith’s is one of the finest brew pubs in the entire country, making all its own beers, each according to the original recipes written in Swahili. If you want to order a large beer, just ask for a Hickenlooper.

Since Dr. Smith was best friends with the legendary pool player Willie Mosconi, Coopersmith’s brought in the finest pool tables in the world, along with one ping pong table (since he was a cardiologist).

Ironically, all the letters in “Coopersmith’s” can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Smooth Prices! (Happy Hour is Monday-Friday from 3-6).

Q&A: In some of the beer names at Coopersmith’s, what does “Sigda” signify? Great question! Sigda stands for: Special Interest Group Drinking Ale :o)

Link to Coopersmith’s website.

Local Hospitals Reporting Increasing Numbers Of Gogopox Cases

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What should you do if you think you’ve gotten the Gogopox? 1. Don’t panic. 2. Don’t panic! 3. Don’t panic!!

Moorhead, MN – The first of many new 21st century diseases is making its presence known in the Midwest.

Many over-crowded area hospitals are now reporting a sudden spike in the number of serious cases of Gogopox.

This rare pox-type disease is believed to have mutated from the British eating horse meat at certain unnamed fast food McRestaurants in their country.

The Gogopox then quickly spread via the Internet to any locales using an unprotected wifi router whose installer had not changed the default password that was shipped from the manufacturer.

What are the symptoms of Gogopox? This viral infection which is highly contagious has a wide variety of symptoms, so wide that literally ever symptom in the book could be a sign of Gogopox.

Is there a cure to the Gogopox virus? Well, of course, there’s a cure to everything if you have enough money. But for the hoi polloi, the answer is NO.

What to do if you contract Gogopox? Call the toll-free hotline at 1-800-GOGOPOX and ask to speak with someone who speaks your language.

New Downtown Fargo Bar/Restaurant To Provide Horse Stables For Its Cowboy Patrons

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Buck McRoyster here gearing up his horse Trigger in Downtown Fargo’s new Lariat Bar & Horse Hotel.

Fargo, ND – With an increasing number of cowboy customers riding horseback due to Global Warming, Downtown Fargo will soon have a new restaurant/bar which will also provide an old-fashioned stables to hold your horses in comfort while the cowboys hava shot of whiskey and an Old West-style meal while their horses get fed, bathed, and groomed by friendly equinologists from the NDSU extension agency as a way of earning credits towards their degree in Horse Park Management Services.

The owner/manager of the new Lariat Bar & Restaurant & Stables is Buck McRoyster who sees his place filling a much needed niche in today’s green society.

“Yeah, like, if you are riding horse and want to stop by for a good meal and maby a bier or two, there just ain’t a lot of places you can go these daze that can accommodate a horse like my Trigger here,” Buck says.

“The Lariat should be quite popular with all the old time cowboys who still ride with pride, doyanowhatimsayn?”

Cowboy McRoyster also mentioned to us that they may eventually add a nice hotel and Massage Parlor.

An Online Christmas Card You Can Send To A Friend

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Merry Christmas to whomever you are!

As we gather round the Christmas tree,
Which was chopped and flocked for you and me,
We nibble on some scones and sip Chablis,
While outside it’s a dangerous one degree.

All the nicely wrapped presents that we see,
Are a result of that black friday shopping spree.
Why get one when you can afford to buy three,
Of those red candles scented with potpourri?

Christmas is a fun time of family glee,
Enhanced on Facebook with hyperbole.
Rather than giving each person a new CD,
Tis way more awesome to get a real pony!

One might suggest getting some activity,
Perhaps head out and go cross country ski.
But most would likely have to agree,
They’d rather watch football on NBC.

FM Observer Donates Million Dollar Painting To Help Save Fargo’s Horse Park

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“Where The Horses Graze” by Amsterdam Douglass

West Fargo, ND – In a singular Herculean effort to raise money for the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park which has been hounded by special assessment fees and unpaid property taxes, the FM Observer has decided to donate a million dollar painting created by our very own Amsterdam Douglass in order to: 1. Help raise awareness of the financial problems that Fargo’s Horse Park has been having since its inception, and 2. To kick start a Fund Razor which would help raise funds to help kick start another subsequent Official Fund Razor which will be called Just Hold Your Horses.

Naturally, the first Fund Razor will be called The FM Observer To The Rescue To Help Save The Struggling North Dakota Horse Park In Fargo Fund Razor.

Most of the money raised in this initial Fund Razor would go toward: 1. Getting Fund Razor #2 off the ground, and 2. Trying to reach the ultimate goal of getting the financially struggling North Dakota Horse Park in Fargo 1. Out of the doldrums, and 2. Back on track toward providing clean family fun where youngsters of all ages can learn the joy of betting on horse races, in order to prepare themselves for a lifetime of profitable gambling enjoyment.

If you would like to Meet & Greet the soon-to-be-famous Amsterdam Douglass and ask him questions about his million dollar painting, which is being donated to Fund Razor #1, simply show up, down by the Red River, under the Main Avenue bridge (which connects Fargo to Moorhead), about an hour after sunset, on any Friday night.