Category Archives: Entertainment

Phone Call Bails Area Man Out Of Face-to-Face Conversation


Picture courtesy of Getty Images and FOX’s new movie, Unfinished Business, in theaters March 6th

The awkward drudgery of interpersonal small talk was brought to an abrupt halt today for one area man. Mike Pancake was nearly out of things to talk about with his rambling co-worker Randy when the gods finally smiled upon him: His phone rang.

Mike could hardly contain his joy as he felt the vibration in his pocket. “Excuse me, Randy, I have to take this,” he explained as Randy’s incessant mutterings trailed off.

“Dude, you freaking saved me. I was about to pull Randy’s face off like Geena Davis did to hers in Beetlejuice,” said Mike to his savior, while a sullen Randy stared off into space.

“I swear if you get within 8 feet of Randy’s desk, you get sucked into a weird conversation every time. He’s like a human black hole.”

United Nations Hires Liam Neeson To Eliminate ISIS


Bye-bye forever, ISIS (or at least until the sequel)

Action movie star Liam Neeson has taken up a special assignment in between filming dominator action films.

At the behest of the United Nations and by special request of President Obama, Liam Neeson will seek out and destroy the terrorist cell known as ISIS.

Liam Neeson’s publicist, in a statement released yesterday:

“He doesn’t know who they are. He doesn’t know what they want. If they are looking for ransom, my client can say he doesn’t have money. But what he does have is a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long acting career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like them. If they quit terrorist activity now, that’ll be the end of it. He will not look for them, he will not pursue them. But if they don’t, he will look for them, he will find them, and he will kill them.”

MV5BMTU2ODI3ODEyOV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMTM3NTQzNDE@._V1__SX1252_SY797_Neeson acknowledges this as the pinnacle ass-kicking of his long, storied career of ass-kickings. “Throughout my time in film, I’ve fearlessly taken out enemies in many different countries on Earth, as well as in space and la-la land and what have you. This assignment will be no different…no different than the assignment of my lead character in my movie, Run All Night. Go see it, won’t you?”

Yes, Mr. Neeson. Yes we will see it—just please don’t hurt us!

Run All Night is available now on DVD/BLU-RAY.

Retro Spective Of Johnnny’s Last 100 Posts

My second one hundred  posts.

My second 100 posts. Now I can build a longer fence.

Since 200 is such a nice round number (and Roman Numeral CC), it was decided to use the occasion of my 200th post to take a trip down memory lane.

South Park celebrated its 200th episode by calling it simply “200”. It took them until Episode 5 of Season 14 to get there. In that episode, Tom Cruise, along with all of the celebrities ever mocked by South Park, filed a class-action law suit against the town.

So, it’s time once again to look back on Johnnny’s last 100 posts on FM Observer.

All posts are listed as hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

100. Johnnny’s First 100 Posts
101. Fargo Facing Severe Clown Shortage
102. Moorhead Haunted House Worth Avoiding
103. New Luxury Apartments Look Like Stairs
104. Wasps That Killed the FMO
105. GM Recall Expands To All Cars Ever Made
106. Replace Insomnia With 15 Possible Side-Effects
107. First Visionary Church Offers Portal To God
108. New Aquatic Nuisance Species Is A Nightmare From Hell
109. FMO Announces Summer Camp For New Observers
110. Assburger Syndrome Awareness
111. Donatella Versace Shares Her Beauty Secrets
112. No-Driver Taxis To Be Tested In Fargo-Moorhead
113. Youngsters Drinking Coffee Is A Disturbing New Trend
114. Critics Argue That Federal Prisons Are Too Comfortable
115. Amish Taking Applications For A New ND Settlement
116. Church Bazaar Selling Some Bizarre Items
117. Many Towns & Cities Are Being Taken Over By Dogs
118. Fargo Landfill To Be Permanently Closed
119. FM Observer Photo Caption Contest
120. Funny Looking Man Finds Bar Of Gold In Red River
121. Beautiful Meadow Is A Killing Field For LandShark
122. Cloned Cloners Create Two-Headed Mule
123. Bean Bag Toss Game (Cornholio) Goes Back To Caveman Days
124. World-Wide Jogger Returns Home To Nobody
125. Star Trek’s USS Enterprise Coming To Fargo Airport
126. Lady Attacked By Grocery Store Lobsters
127. Janitor Charged With Fondling Church Organ
128. Man Who Weds Daughter Fathers His Own Granddaughter Whom He Marries
129. Winning Lottery Ticket Being Sought In Knoxville Landfill
130. Dr. Finance On Making Big Money With Garage Sales
131. Koi Ponds Provide Hungry Families With Unlimited Fish
132. KFGO Required To Broadcast Half In Spanish
133. WE Fest Cancelled Due To Massive Invasion Of Diseased Ticks
134. Sir Paul McCartney Returning To Fargodome For Another Concert
135. North Dakota Gets One Of Eight Newly Added NFL Teams
136. Dr. Willy Nilly Discusses Living With Phlebitis
137. Janet Reno Named New Vikings Special Teams Coach
138. West Fargo Imposes Total Watering Ban Due To Global Drying
139. Fargo Man Often Mistaken For 16th US President
140. New Detroit Mountain Recreation Area Offers Fun For Everyone
141. Bowler Union Plans Multiple Strikes
142. Moorhead Crocodile Charged With Killing Of Defenseless Calf
143. Many Are Concerned About UFO Lights South Of Moorhead
144. Wendy’s Pay-It-Forward Program Offers Free Meals After Midnight
145. FMO Launching FMO TV From New FMO Corporate Headquarters
146. Area Outdoor Pianos Maybe Not Such A Grand Idea
147. Feral Rabbits Being Readied To Secure Southern Border
148. Star Trek Captain Janeway Wearing Prison Orange For Being Romulan Spy
149. Moorhead Family Found Living In A Pumpkin
150. Red River Zoo Soon Adding One Large Triceratops
151. How To Prepare For The Coming Ebola Pandemic
152. Early Fargo Business Man Attacked By Giant Blue Mountain Swallowtail Butterfly
153. Fargo College Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million
154. Many Fargo Homes Choosing To Go Off The Grid
155. Fargo Leaders Considering Allowing Chicken Fighting
156. Bags Of Money Hidden All Over The FM Area
157. Civilian Trumpet Militia Groups Now Forming In Your Area
158. Meditation Tents One Way To Combat Stress From Mosquitos
159. Ghost Convention To Be Held In Fargo North Dakota
160. New Green Shoes Designed To Lessen Carbon Footprints
161. Wear Pink To Show Support For The NFL
162. White House Ebola Response Team Practicing Their Craft
163. Lumberjack Union Working With CDC To Stop Treebola
164. Fargo Debates Issue Of Downtown Vomit
165. Clever Calibration Errors Ensure Democrat Victories In Every Race
166. Fanatical Mathematical Radical Goes On Problematical Sabbatical
167. NASA Reducing Its Goal To Just Being Able To Successfully Launch A Rocket
168. Vote Yes On Ballot Measure 11: Make FMO The Official Website Of ND
169. Consider Giving Komodo Dragons For Christmas
170. Some Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller (2014)
171. Hunting Mishap Almost Put Youngster Behind Bars
172. Sign Up Now For Exciting Parade Of Hoarder Homes
173. Ray Rice Challenges Any Woman To Fight Him In An Elevator
174. Government To Begin Grouping People Into Sick Camps By What Diseases We Have
175. More Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller (2013)
176. Stephen Kink’s New Toxic Santa’s Revenge To Change Christmas Forever
177. How To Keep Your Dog From Pissing On Your Christmas Tree
178. Join FMO On A Whirlwind Trip Around The World
179. Heineken Home Deliveries Being Well Received
180. Wrap Framed Art To Decorate Your Home For Christmas
181. Win A New Robot For The New Year
182. Obama To Send All Republicans Into Outer Space
183. Missing Cat Found Wrapped Up Under Tree
184. FMO To Sponsor Fargo Senior Citizen Soccer Team
185. Young Pigs Express Concern Upon Learning Where Bacon Comes From
186. Million Dollar Painting Found In Garage Rafters
187. Drug Companies To Give Bill Cosby Lifetime Achievement Award
188. Looking Back On Some Of The Top Stories In 2014
189. Local Man Who Dreamed He Was Flying Wakes Up In Tokyo
190. Top Ten Norwegian Proverbs
191. Hundreds Of Misguided Bison Fans Mistakenly Went To San Francisco
192. Art Show To Help Dog Owners Buy More Dog Food For More Dogs
193. How Many Clones Are Running In This Circle?
194. New PolyPax Chance To Turn Your Life Around
195. New Dollar Hotel Perfect For Some Budgets
196. Another FMO Adult Education Class: Computer Maintenance
197. It’s The Year Of The Owl
198. Prejudicial Scapegoating OK Except When It Comes To Goats
199. New Duplicator Machine Can Duplicate Anything!

Win A New Robot For The New Year

caption here

Win me and I will win your heart.

West Fargo, ND – It is time once again for some lucky person or family to have a chance to Win-A-Robot.

This particular robot is programmed to do multiple tasks such as: lift your car, crack an egg, answer the doorbell, call 9-1-1, mix a drink, walk your dogs, and give long massages.

His name is Robert Paulson and his model number is RPX2015.

Robert likes witty conversation, walks along the beach, watching old movies, and meeting new friends.

Listen to some others who’ve Won-A-Robot:

Arden Haug said: “Instead of cleaning up after them, they clean up after you. I love my robot even though it’s quite OCD.”

Vivian Rude admits: “Things were kind of rough at first but then we started seeing eye to eye once we determined who was the boss.”

Lucy Mimster told us: “I can’t believe I was able to survive all those years without my robot, who now has become part of our family especially during the Holidays.”

So, sign up now to Win-A-Robot. Finalists will be researched, studied, and psycho-analyzed by Robert who will ultimately pick the winner of this year’s Win-A-Robot contest.

Wrap Framed Art To Decorate Your Home For Christmas

caption here

Wrap it up!

North Pole – With the Christmas and Festivus holiday season almost here you probably have all your shopping done, trees decorated, stockings hung up, cards sent out and cookies in the oven.

If you want a fun and easy idea to transform your home into major Christmasland, wrap your hanging framed pictures!

Of course, the back sides don’t need to be wrapped like an actual present, but it certainly changes the feel of any room quickly!

The other nice thing is it covers up pictures that might not be on board with the Christmas holiday theme and the paper can be reused to wrap oxymoronical “future presents”.

This is a wonderful tradition we here at the FM Observer have been doing for hundreds of years after the idea was passed down to us from our progenitors and which we now want to pass on to you and yours.

Lisa Donadio tweeted: “That is SO cute! Thanks for the clever idear.”

Carmen Cook said: “Leave it to the FM Observer to have such great creative holiday decorating tips.”

The best thing about this trick is that it’s such a double whammy: you get rid of the art that is not particularly Christmasy AND you get wrapped presents in its place! It’s easy, affordable, and fun too. Just like drinking eggnog, it really does make things festive.

Mary (and Joseph) Christmas from the FM Observer and hava Happy New Year!

Join FMO On A Whirlwind Trip Around The World

Make New Friends While Seeing 100 Cities In 100 Days

Non-stop travel means non-stop fun!

Non-stop travel means non-stop fun!

Fargo, ND – We here at the FM Observer are gearing up for our 1st Annual Trip Around The World.

The plan is to hit one hundred cities in one hundred days of fun-packed adventure while making some new life-long friends.

This whirlwind world tour will include stops in such places as: Milan, Madrid, Melbourne, Mexico City, Minsk, Moscow, Monterey, Montreal, and Mutunopolis. Basically any city that starts with an ‘M’ is fair game.

In some cities we might be there for only a couple of hours especially if we can’t find any decent rooms to rent.

Travelers would need to have a valid passport and would be limited to one carry-on piece of luggage.

The total cost per person is unclear at this time so you’ll have to bring lots of money.

For more details, simply contact Fly-By-Night Travel and ask for Merlin. Tell him you’ll be traveling with the FM Observer group and that you want the “Fun Package”.

Stephen Kink’s New “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” Promises To Change Christmas Forever

Death Santa

I’m toxic and here for revenge.

Toxico, NM – A new book by Stephen Kink which is scheduled to be released before Christmas will permanently alter your holiday mindset.

It’s a dark tale about the “original” Santa who after being poisoned multiple times with toxic cookies and milk decides to get some revenge.

Book reviewer Kade Hygene said: “After I started getting into this book, my whole body was shaking like a hand-held electric massage machine.”

“Some of the book is written in normal prose style with instructive narrative. But whenever it goes into the rhyming poetic style, that’s when it’s time to lock the doors and plug the chimney,” warns Kade.

Look for “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” wherever scary books are sold. It promises to change your attitude toward Christmas forever.

Kate Middleton Deems Dental Hygiene ‘Unpractical’

Kate MiddletonWith curves in the correct places, a beautiful baby and a charming smile, Kate Middleton tops People’s “Top 25 Hot Celeb List,” but her latest input on oral hygiene has left many to ponder upon the British way.

More than a year after giving birth to Prince George of Cambridge (whatever that means), Middleton revealed that she follows the strict British tradition of hardly every brushing her teeth. She claims poor hygienic practices are simply a part of joining the royal family.

“I brush my teeth once every forknight,” Middleton said. “I’m still trying to figure out what a forknight is, but I think its once every three or four nights. William is really the rule-maker around here. If he brushes his teeth, then I’ll join, if not, we go to bed. It’s really very simple and British.”

According to the Royal British Hygienic Code, royal members are only ordained to bath and/or brush every 12 days. The code was established in 1744 by King George III (for reasons yet to be understood by historians) and has been followed (for reasons yet to be understood by anyone) to this day. Royalty remains odorous and questioned by British Parliamentary and citizens alike.

“I love a good queen, I do,” Londoner Tom Blinder said, he did. “But her teef looks like she fell head first into a pile of rubbish.”

Middleton continues to deny the accusations by common folk like Tom Blinder, and seems quite calm regarding her pearly-greys, but the Twitter-verse has certainly taken an interest in the matter. @iMwATCHINGYOU said this:

“Kate is supposed to be the role model for the whole planet. I haven’t brushed my teeth since I saw I selfie of Kate brushing her own, but it’s been nearly 32 years… when can I brush?”

The 32-year-old Duchesses, remaining un-buggered, said only this:

“I’ll admit it, oral hygiene has not been a primary concern of the British people in the last 400 years, and it still isn’t today. So what if our teef are grey and smelly? We invented electricity and baseball. Isn’t that enough?”

Fargo Man Seriously Injured In Giant Jenga Accident

Jenga Jeopardy

Jenga Jeopardy

Fargo, ND – A fun night with friends took a terrifying turn after a Giant Jenga game suddenly collapsed, authorities say.

Fargo firefighters rescued local resident, Pete Saykes from the pile of Giant Jenga pieces around 2 a.m., about an hour after his last turn.

Friends remember that he seemed nervous and unsure about which piece to pull from the Jenga tower. “Pete just looked kind of freaked out,” said witness Jeremy Johnson. “He was walking around the game with this confused expression, almost like he knew something bad was going to happen.”

Another friend recalls Mr. Saykes having “a really hard time pulling his block out.” Seconds later, he was nearly buried alive.

Police say Pete Saykes was fortunate to survive the accident, and remind citizens to read the directions carefully when playing large-scale games.

The FMO was able to contact Giant Jenga’s creator, Uncle Leroy, in his shed behind the site of the accident. When asked about the incident, Uncle Leroy just stared at us for about a minute before walking away. He is presumed to still be in shock.

At press time, Mr. Saykes was reported to be “alive, but questionable”.

Consider Giving Komodo Dragons For Christmas

caption here

Make this the best Christmas ever!

Dragoon, AZ – Are you looking to give your loved ones a Christmas gift to show how much you cherish their existence in your life? Consider giving them a full-grown Komodo Dragon.

Would you like to give your sworn enemies something to scare the shih tzu out of them once and for all? Consider giving them a full-grown Komodo Dragon.

Have you been looking for a solution to the barking little dog problem next door? Consider releasing a full-grown Komodo Dragon into their fenced-in back yard.

If you’re a lizardophile and like things large, the Komodo Dragon is unparalleled in the large lizard category.

With some growing up to ten feet long, just imagine the reaction you’ll get when you chase down Mr. Road Rager who flipped you off at the last intersection and who now gets to meet your 200 pound pet.

For a nice side income, consider breeding the Komodo Dragons and selling their young. The normal life span of these prehistoric creatures is about 30 years so there’s a lot of time to get attached to these fun carnivores who can swallow a goat in about fifteen minutes.