Tag Archives: global warming

Area Marshes Getting Really Bogged Down

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Experts all agree that people in the future will fight over any dry land that still exists.

Wetonka, SD – With the sudden gradual onset of Global Wetting, marshlands in our area are beginning to get really bogged down.

“These low-lying wetlands are becoming so darned waterlogged that some are now being categorized as Level III marshy quagmires,” says Pete Bogg, executive director of The War On Wetlands.

Climatologists believe that with the additional rain expected to fall over the next 100 years, the Dakotas will be very similar to a giant bowl of swampy vegetable soup, with no dry land to drink beer on.

“I don’t want to cause a mass panic, but just imagine having extremely wet socks…for the rest of your life, and then multiply that times infinity,” warns Pete Bogg, as he sips his dry martini while reaching for another Xanax.

Emperor Penguin Elected President Of Antarctica

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President Skipper Kowalski: Antarctica’s first-ever penguin president!

South Pole, Antarctica – History has once again been made as the southern-most continent has elected its first penguin president.

Skipper Kowalski along with his wife Frieda will be moving into the presidential ice palace after his official inaugaration later this year.

President Kowalski has promised jobs for all while maintaining a balanced budget with no unfunded mandates.

Other leaders from around the world have tried contacting Skipper to congratulate him but apparently his smartphone was rather frozen.

Next Olympic Winter Games To Be Held In Fargo, North Dakota

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The new F-M Curling Club was the deciding factor to have the next Winter Olympic Games in Fargo.

Fargo, ND – The city of Fargo has been abuzz ever since the International Olympic Committee announced that Fargo, North Dakota will host the next Winter Games.

When Fargo first bid for the Winter Olympic Games, most people ridiculed the idea as fake news, and laughed until they cried.

It turns out that in Fargo, the I.O.C. found everything it was looking for in a Winter Games host city.

From their official announcement statement: “Fargo, North Dakota is a paragon-perfect poster-child place that can host the next Winter Games cost-effectively, logically, efficiently, and safely. Plus, Fargo has a lot of fine restaurants and places to drink mass quantities of bier.”

One insider leaked that Fargo’s new, state-of-the-art Curling Club was one of the main reasons Fargo was chosen to host the next Winter Olympix, since curling has now become the #1 favorite spectator event of The Winter Games.

During this leak, the leaker also mentioned that the only real thing Fargo will have to do to prepare for The Games is create some good-sized mountains, possibly from all the dirt that will soon be excavated for the Red River Diversion.

Top Ten Questions To Ask Family, In-Laws, and Relatives During Christmas

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To make church signs like this, use the link at the bottom of this post.

West Fargo, ND – During your family getogethers with in-laws, relatives, and other extended family members, it is not only a good time to share handshakes and hugs in order to pass your cold and flu germs on to others, but it is also a perfect opportunity to throw out a few key questions to your Christmas group in order to check the general Zeitgeist of where everyone’s at regarding some of the current issues from the past few months.

Even tho your FM Observers are busy, out doing some last minute shopping at Happy Harry, we’ve taken the time to compile an easy-to-use list of questions to randomly throw out during times when the Christmastime conversations may hit a lull.

Top Ten Questions To Ask During Christmas:

10. What’s the latest on the Russian Collusion?
9. How many My Pillows do you have?
8. Have you ever heard of the FM Observer?
7. Are you for Global Warming or Global Cooling?
6. Whatever happened to Anthony’s Weiner?
5. How do you feel about the Red River Diversion project?
4. Do you think Carson Wentz will marry Cara Mund?
3. Did you hear who’s the latest guy accused of groping?
2. Can I have your pudding?
1. Isn’t President Trump doing a great job?!

Church Sign Generator

Expensive Study Finds That Year 2100 Is Only About 82 Years Away

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Minnesota scientists have calculated that the Year 2100 will occur in about 82 years.

St. Paul, MN – A recently completed study for the state of Minnesota has made an astonishing discovery about the year 2100.

Minnesota scientists, working with NASA, have determined that the year 2100 in Earth Years is only about 82 years ahead of us in our communal future.

The Minnesota study was funded by a GoFundMe account which was created by Doctor Odem Fung who headed up this amazing study.

Dr. Fung in his own words: “Yes, we raised about $687 million via GoFundMe for this impotent study of which I am in charge.”

“We believe the results of the study will help Earthlings prepare for future concerns such as Global Cooling, the National Debt, Zika Virus, Male Gropers, and the Second Coming of Christ.”

Ironically, all the letters in Odem Fung can be re-arranged to spell: Go Fund Me!

Hurricane Limbaugh Set To Wreak Havoc On Liberal Media

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Hurricane Limbaugh has its eye on the mainstream media.

Palm Beach, FL – After Rush Limbaugh suggested that Hurricane Irma is merely a liberal hoax, Hurricane Limbaugh suddenly popped up in its place and is expected to stir things up on the mainland.

Obviously caused by climate change, which is caused by global warming, which is caused by fracking, Hurricane Limbaugh is on track to make landfall in the Palm Beach area, right where the Doctor of Democracy has his home base.

Hurricane Limbaugh is expected to wreak major havoc, just as Rush has been doing with his strong-winded criticisms of liberal ‘Democratics’ for three long decades.

Characteristics of Hurricane Limbaugh include: Very low pressure, an expansively large circulation, a calm and warm center, a strong force going outward in all directions, and many topical disturbances on a daily basis.

Global Warming Causing Ice To Become The New Currency

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“The official melting point of ice just got a little warmer.” –Algore

Meltonville, Iowa – Due to increasingly increasing high and low temperatures throughout the Upper Midwest region, unmelted ice is beginning to become the new currency in this post-Global Warming economy.

Based on his own scientific research, Dr. Gil McIntee strongly believes that people will soon be paying for all their basic survivalistic-type items with unmelted ice.

Dr. Gil McIntee in his own words: “It is entirely feasible that ice will be the new gold just as hot will be the new cold.”

Many are already seeing the ice price begin to shoot up like junkies at a needlepoint class and starting to skyrocket as if being launched from the North Korean peninsula.

Ironically, all of the letters in Gil McIntee can somehow be re-arranged to also spell: Melting Ice!

Delaware Has Broken Off From The United States

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Yes, it’s true. Delaware has broken free from the United States mainland is now floating toward Antarctica.

Dover, Delaware – The entire state of Delaware has somehow broken off from the North American mainland just like an iceberg.

Delaware, along with everyone on it, is now adrift out in the cold Atlantic Ocean.

There are some fears that it could eventually collide (and collude) with a new large Antarctica iceberg which is also the size of Delaware and crawling with hungry polar bears that haven’t eaten for a month.

Possible reasons for Delaware breaking free from the United States include: 1. Climate Change, 2. Global Fracking, 3. Russian Hacking, and/or 4. Political Correctness Pressure to secede from the country before California does.

With Delaware now completely gonzo, the neighboring states of Maryland, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey are way more vulnerable to oceanic erosion and inland shark attacks.

Luckily, the United States still has a nice even number of 50 states because of the recent addition of financially struggling Puerto Rico.

Area Drought Being Blamed On Dry Conditions And ‘Global Drying’

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Experts agree that lack of rain causing drought.

West Fargo, ND – Our new staff droutologist Dr. Rod Guth has just issued his final report on the area drought.

Rod believes that short-term dry conditions coupled with the long-term Global Drying are the two main reasons for the “paucity of moisture” in the upper Midwest region.

Dr. Guth in his own words: “An earthly dearth of water seems to be because of dry conditions brought about by macro-desiccation from Global Drying.”

We asked Dr. Rod Guth: “Just how dry is it?“

It is so dry that fish are carrying canteens!
It is so dry that cows are giving evaporated milk!
It is so dry that watermelon are the size of baseballs!
It is so dry that they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool!

Ironically, all the letters in Rod Guth can be rearranged to spell: Drought!

Amsterdam Douglass Donates Priceless Painting For Global Cooling Fundraiser

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True Blue Sky by famous local artist Amsterdam Douglass (minimum bid is $500,000)

West Fargo, ND – To get things kicked off for our Annual Global Cooling Silent Auction Fundraiser, local artist Amsterdam Douglass has graciously donated his amazing work called True Blue Sky.

Amsterdam Douglass: “Even tho it’s worth a lot more, we’re setting the minimum bid on this painting at an even $500,000 since fighting Global Cooling is such an impotent cause.”

If you would like to donate a work of art for this fundraiser, please contact Comrade Perkins. Kindly include your name, your highest level of education, and your suggested minimum bid.

If you would like to bid on any of these valuable works of art in the name of Global Cooling, bring a lot of cash and enjoy the music from The Sounds Of Silence during this very silent auction.