Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.
Fargo, ND – If Mondays were not bad enough, throw in some cold air and wind and you just stepped into the worst place on earth: Fargo.
Forecasts last week that ranged from ‘God damn it’s cold’ to ‘Why the fuck do I live here’ continued on into this week. We had the pleasure of enjoying a negative temperature of -15 today. Let’s take a look at the coming days to see if it will be getting……….nope. Still going to be cold as fuck.
Even the automobiles of the Fargo-Moorhead area have had enough. Hundreds of automobiles said “FUCK THIS SHIT” this morning as their owners tried to start their car leaving many wondering why they were out of bed or why they even lived here.
Service and tow companies have seen their business nearly double over the past week.
“I was driving down 13th Ave S when I heard my car blurt out, ‘fuck this shit.’ It then just stopped working. I had to call a tow driver.”
“I went out to my car at 6:30 ready for work. Put the key in, tried to start it, and I heard a ‘fuck this shit.’ It still doesn’t start. I don’t know how I’m getting to work tomorrow.”
Jason said he didn’t even get within 10 feet of his car when it blurted out, “Too cold! Go back to fucking bed!”
We could give you some advice such as letting your car warm up but let’s just be honest here. If the temperature is below zero when you wake up, go back to fucking bed and leave your car alone.
Fargo, ND – Storm Gandolf, according to the media, was supposed to be a storm apocalypse. Those two words “storm apocalypse’ are what sprung me into action. I wasn’t going to sit by and watch my fellow Fargoans being forced to blow storm gandolf. That is why on the evening of 01/11/2013, I grabbed a parka and a crowbar and headed out the door to do battle.
Sooner than later there I was, sitting in the middle of a field waiting for Gandolf to show itself. I was five hours in now. Stomach was starting to make noises and my mouth dry, wanting nothing more then a sip of something hot or cold. Since I only had a parka and crowbar I had to improvise. To quench my thirst, I dug a small hole, filled it with snow, then dipped my huge big and hot balls into the snow thereby melting it and making a very nice cup of low-sodium hot water. Looking back at it now, if it wasn’t for that ball water, I don’t think I’d still be here.
Hot water in my stomach and feeling good, the wind started to whisper at me. “Gandolf! Is that you?” I shouted in such a manly voice, I believe a woman living on a distant farm became pregnant at that very moment. “Show yourself!” I screamed.
At that moment a snow wave burst up from the field and made it’s way straight for me, yelling nasty, violent, and obscene obscenities at me. I remember them well and they haunt me to this day. This ‘snow wave’ was a penis. It was a very large, cold, and mean penis made out of snow.
Right as this large penis was about to attack, I shoved my crowbar right into the beasts opening. The penis tip if you will. At that very moment, the storm burst into millions of tiny white snowflakes which started to lightly rain down on me.
I knew it was a success. I saved the people of the Farg0-Moorhead area from Storm Gandolf.
So there you have it. You now know the real reason Storm Gandolf was non-existent for the fargo-moorhead residents.
Jamaal Franklin, a 6-5 guard at San Diego State got a score and an assist from the same dunk. This all happened because ball hog Jamaal passed to himself via bouncing it off the backboard and then proceeds to dunk it. San Diego State went on to beat Fresno State by 65-62.
Some people are talking about dunk of the year. I say ‘No way man!’ Although cool, this man should be awarded the BALL HOG OF THE YEAR award.
I’m not a ball hog. Not one bit. People pass to themselves all the time. Everyone wasn’t paying attention during this play. Actually nobody pays attention during any game and it just happens to be me having the ball at all times. I’m not a ball hog brah. ~ Jamaal Franklin
Fargo, ND – After the NDSU Bison football team slaughtered Sam Houston State University, they made their way back to good ol’ Fargo, North Dakota. Good for them, not so good for the news anchors who had to sit there and fill time on live television.
I understand. I couldn’t sit there with a straight face while only being given video shots of empty parked buses. I’d totally bomb as well as everyone else in the country. After watching this, I’m almost positive they went home, crawled under the kitchen table, and cried themselves to sleep vowing never to get into that situation again. But, with all that said, there is nothing better then seeing news anchors squirm to fill time. The unfortunate news anchors, Audrey Dahlgren and Amy Unrau, deserve some drinks and dinner for the hell they had to endure.
This weeks terrible song lyrics of the week are from Taylor Swifts song I Knew You Were Trouble. It is from her fourth studio album, Red (2012). It was released on October 9, 2012, in the United States by Big Machine Records as the third promotional single from the album.
Which part of the lyrics are terrible you ask? ALL OF THEM and here is why.
After going through her lyrics I was wondering if I should call the police or not. After reading the first part of her lyrics..
Once upon time
A few mistakes ago
I was in your sights
You got me alone
You found me
You found me
You found me
I thought “OH NO! Taylor Swift has been raped before! Or kidnapped! I don’t know which one but it sure sounds like the beginning of a raping or kidnapping!”
Then..
I guess you didn’t care
And I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard
You took a step back
Without me, without me, without me
Sounds like he then hits her. To pull off a successful kidnap or rape you need to hit something and apparently it was Taylor Swift and she liked it.
And he’s long gone
When he’s next to me
And I realize the blame is on me
She says he is long gone now so now I’m suspecting a rape at this point because to kidnap you need to bring the kidnapee with you. I’m still confused but then..
Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
Now i’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
FUCK! Ok now I’m suspecting a kidnapping again because now he is flying her to places she has never been. Solid kidnap move.
No apologies
He’ll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn’t know
That he’s the reason why
You’re drowning, you’re drowning, you’re drowning
Just completely lost at this point. The rest of the lyrics go on.
And I heard you moved on
From whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt
Is all I’ll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see
He was long gone
When he met me
And I realize the joke is on me
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
Now i’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
When your sadest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me or her or anyone or anything
Yeah
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
Now i’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble!
My conclusion is that this is a raping/kidnapping/but not really…kind of thing. If Taylor Swift wouldn’t be such a drama queen she would have just gotten to the point at the beginning of the song and not fucked around.
So this leaves everyone around the world wondering, IS THIS A RAPING OR A KIDNAPPING TAYLOR SWIFT?!?!?!? WHICH IS IT?!?
Late one evening I was sitting on my couch completely nude, besides my long white socks, and enjoying a nice warm cup of tea. I was hours into reviewing quantum mechanics equations (I do this for my own amusement) and wondering when I should tell the world that I built a working time machine.
In between these thoughts I decided to take a small break from solving world problems, one time travel trip at a time, and it was then I turned the channel to KVRR FOX of Fargo-Moorhead to check the weather. Right at that moment I stumbled upon the weatherman mispronouncing the city of “Cut Bank.” Now to my ears it sounds like he is about to say “Cum Bank” but the call is entirely up to you. Seems the weatherman had other things on his mind?
Fargo, ND – On the horizon lays North Dakota State’s attempt at an FCS championship three-peat.
Thousands of Bison fans have flocked to Frisco Texas the past few days via trains, plains, automobiles, boats, snowmobiles, 4 wheelers, bus, and fighter jets. But, there is one thing someone forgot to bring: directions.
All bison fans who have already arrived have been roaming the streets of Frisco, Texas completely lost and confused.
Our reporter on scene stated, “The streets of Frisco are complete madness right now! People covered in Bison gear head-to-toe are wandering and stumbling around the entire town. They appear to be drunk and asking anyone they can where the game is. Some have been seen running with their shirts off yelling that it’s so hot out.”
Apparently nobody remembered to bring directions and they are too drunk by this point to either look them up on their phone or find a computer.
Our reporter reached an NDSU fan for comment, “Ohh oh yeah! Bissson baby! Hey, yeah hey you, you know where, where the game is even at? Because I, I don’t, don’t know. Would you like a beer?” He then continued to stumble around looking for the “stadium.”
Our reporter did indeed give a couple sober fans directions so you can rest assured the stadium will be filled with green and gold tomorrow.
So, when you’re watching the game tomorrow, thank the FM Observer for getting all our fans there.
UFC 155 just wasn’t the same without the great Mike Goldberg commentating alongside Joe Rogan this weekend. Apparently he had to take sometime off and rest at home due to an illness.The UFC is not sure when Mike Goldberg will return so Jon Anik will be filling in for him for the foreseeable future.
Dana White stated..
“Goldie’s out for a while and I don’t know when he’ll be back,”
Hopefully it’s nothing too serious and Mike Goldberg can return as quick as possible.
So, in spirit of Mike Goldberg, I’ll post some funny Mike Goldberg quotes that have been floating around the internet for years now.
Joe Rogan: “Think of leg kicks as like in a video game. The more they take, their power goes right down.”
Goldberg: “I know what you’re thinking, mighty ball mighty ball DEEP DEEP DEEP!”
Joe Rogan: Does best to ignore that and continue talking about the fightMike Goldberg: “He’s got him in some kind of strange choke I’ve never seen before!”
Joe Rogan: “That’s a rear naked choke.”Joe Rogan: “Karo is wide open!”
Mike Goldberg: “Diaz smells the opening.”
Mike Goldberg: “You can hear the corner speaking portuguese!”
Joe Rogan: “Uh, that’s Japanese, brother”
Mike Goldberg: “I should have known that.”
Joe Rogan: “You’re the one married to a Japanese chick.”
Mike Goldberg: “That is correct.”
Frank Shamrock: “Ohhhh huge knee!”
Mike Goldberg: “Big knee!”
Frank Shamrock: “That was a huge knee!”
Mike Goldberg: “That knee was big!”
UFC 68
Goldberg: “Welcome back, Randy Couture. This fight brought to you by…” Sylvia gets knocked down in the first 8 seconds*
Rogan: “Big right hand! Sylvia is down!”
Goldberg: “…Shooter. Starring Mark Wahlberg in theatres next Friday.”
UFC 76 Machida vs. Nakamura
Mike Goldberg: “And here is Nakamura…entering the octagon for the 1st time…touching the fence for the first time.”
Joe Rogan: (laughs)“You running out things to say?”
Mike Goldberg: “Yeah. Kinda(laughs). You? You know, you could help out and chime in once in a while…”
UFC 79 Sokoudjou Vs. Machida
Mike Goldberg: “Because SOAKoudjou is so highly touted, you almost want to sit back and watch and SOAK it in.”
Mike Goldberg: “Don’t forget coming up next it’s Blade the series…plenty of action, violence, vampire sexuality!”
Rogan: “Vampire sexuality, what’s that?”
Goldberg: “I don’t know, it was on a card they put in front of me”
UFC 84 Wanderlei Silva vs Keith Jardine
After Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva knocks Keith Jardine out
Goldberg: “The Iceman is back to his winning ways!”
“The Dean of Mean” Keith Jardine vs Kerry Schall
Goldberg: “If Jardine’s last name were Johnson, the nickname Dean of Mean would make no sense.”
UFC 71 Parisyan vs Burkman
Joe Rogan: “He’s getting instructions in two different languages.”
Mike Goldberg: “He understands them both!”
on Travis Lutter
Mike Goldberg: “He’s like the Michael Jordan of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu!”
Joe Rogan: “No, he’s not”
Mike Goldberg: “Larry Bird?”
Joe Rogan: “Uhm, no.”
Mike Goldberg: “Kobe Bryant?”
Joe Rogan: “…”
UFC 74 Couture vs Gonzaga
Joe Rogan: “Here’s a beautifull left hook by Gonzaga.” Mike Goldberg: “Yup, You can clearly see his nose explode there.” Joe Rogan: “I don’t think that was it actually, the thing that damaged his nose was in a takedown.” Mike Goldberg: “Oh, Gotcha!”
Clip of Randy taking Gonzaga down (not the headbutt one)
Goldberg: “Oh yeah, you’re right, thats it, pardon me.” Rogan: “I don’t think it was there either, i think it was in another takedown.” Goldberg: “Oh.”
Clip of Randy slamming Gonzaga, which caused the broken nose due to a headbutt*
Rogan: “I believe this is what caused it, watch as he takes Gonzaga down, they both collide heads, BAM, thats it, right there.” Goldberg: “Oh, good call, good call.”
on Kenny Florian after taking a groin shot
Goldberg: “… So you want to be an Ultimate Fighter?”
on “Lil’ Evil” Jens Pulver vs. John Lewis
After “Lil’ Evil” Jens Pulver knocked Lewis out*
Goldberg: “”Lil’ Eagle” flies again!”
TUF 7 Finale
(on Diego Sanchez’s conditioning)
Goldberg: “It must take a lot of energy just to keep that mean look on his face”
Random Quotes
Goldberg: “He’s unrelentless!”
Goldberg: “You know Roy Jones Jr. respects the hands of Forrest Griffin.”
Goldberg: “And here we go!”
Goldberg: “And it’s all over!”
Goldberg: “That eye is rocked!”
Goldberg: “Could we be blessed with a 3rd round?”
Goldberg: “Continuing on his meteoric rise!”
Goldberg: “You know Joe, When Matt and his brother Mark Hughes were growing up they would pound each other behind the barn!”
This isn’t the first time I’ve read some song lyrics and it left me completely speechless, confused, and scared at the same time.
This weeks Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week are from the Artist named Flo Rida (because he rides flows?) from the song I Cry (We all do flo. We all do.) The track was first released on September 18, 2012 as the fourth single from his fourth studio album, Wild Ones.
Ok, let’s get started. But, there’s a problem. I don’t know where to start. I’ve read the lyrics from I Cry and it made ME cry because it was so TERRIBLE and CONFUSING. See below.
I know you wanna get behind the wheel Only 1 Rida
Eyes shut still got me swimming like a diver
Can’t let go I got fans in Okinawa
My heart to japan quake losers and surviours
Norway no you didn’t get my flowers
No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward
Face just showers, the minute in a hour
Heard about the news all day went sour
Lil mama got me feeling like a limit here
Put you in the box just the presidents cigarettes
Give em my regards or regardless I get arrested
Ain’t worried about the killers just the young & restless
Get mad coz the quarter million on my necklace
DUI never said I was driving reckless
You & I or jealously was not oppressive
Oh no I can’t stop I was Destined
You know those people who have legit and severe Attention Deficit Disorder? Where a conversation goes like this:
ADD Person: Hey. What’s up? You see Adrian Peterson run over everyone last week? It was awesome.
Me: Yea. He ran like a….
ADD Person: Uh Huh. Yea. Man the government spends too much. Don’t ya think?
Me: Well they certainly….
ADD Person: I have to poop.
Me: You have to what?
ADD Person: Was that a bird or a bat outside? Is it raining? Damn, I have to go grocery shopping today.
Well, that is basically Flo Rida. A terrible singer and songwriter with severe attention deficit disorder.
Can anyone read those lyrics and figure out W….T…..F Mr. Flo Rida is talking about? Because I can’t. He’s all over the board. One sentence he says, “Norway no you didn’t get my flowers” and in the very next he says, “No way to sound better but the killer was a Coward.” I can’t even make fun of it because it makes absolutely zero sense and I’m so confused. After reading those lyrics I’m pretty sure you or your worthless writer just looked in the dictionary, closed your eyes, and randomly pointed at words then put them together to try and form a sentence.
Mr. Flo Rida, your lyrics are definitely terrible.
