Bravo! Not only does he NAIL the song but he does it in such a performance that could win a Grammy. I’d like to have a few beers with this guy someday. To top it off he ends it with, “Physical violence is the least of my priorities.” We agree with you drunk dude! High Five!
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World Wide Interweb put together a compilation of treadmill fails that I thoroughly enjoyed.
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Fargo, ND – North Dakota State University Head Mafia Boss President Dean Bresciani is facing very VERY tough decisions these days. This comes after the State Board Of Higher Education denied a request for a half-percent hike in NDSU’S tuition. ” Waa Waa Waa” was heard from people who actually have a door to enter their office on the NDSU campus. They were last seen crawling out of their offices, opening the door, and peeing on everyone in a cubicle.
In another example of “We can’t make this up” the President Dean Bresciani said, “there’s nothing left to cut.” With President Deans ridiculous salary of over 300k, we at the FM Observer know exactly where to cut it. Instead of cutting heads off mafia style Bresciani, let’s cut your salary. What do you actually do that warrants 300k a year when your “subordinates” probably do all the work anyways? Not to mention last year, the top dogs, which included you, were given pay raises approved via North Dakota’s Board of Higher Fuck You In Your Ass. Even with that kind of money you couldn’t buy a hooker hot enough to give your ugly faces a lap dance.
More common sense from the common folk Bresciani, had this to say, “”We’ll try to shave that bone versus cutting that bone.” “We want to do everything possible to preserve the educational environment here.” He left out “cutting that bone” to include him and his cronies salary. That means doing everything necessary to GIVE ME RAISE he meant. One year ago the board of higher education approved a nearly 9% tuition increase at NDSU but yet earlier that year approved a raise to the d bags who don’t even deserve it.
Good job higher education. Take all the money you can. Your bubble will soon BUST and then your left with Karma. This Karma gal is a complete bitch we heard.
Fargo, ND – Authorities Sunday night pulled a man out of the Red River. The man was believed to be walking on the railroad tracks that are located between Fargo and Moorhead when he allegedly fell in the river. Witnesses were on scene but are telling different stories. One witness stated he saw the man clumsily stumble, fall off, and do a vicious belly flop into the river followed by an, “Ow Ow Ow”. Other witnesses stated they saw the man approach the end of the bridge, bend his knees as if to test the flexibility of the bridge, raise his hands in the air, and jump off. While in the air, this flying Fargo man was seen doing somersault type maneuvers which then turned into what looked like a flying swan. This story was confirmed by at least 3 witnesses.
After police pulled the man out of the river we learned the man was actually an Olympic diver training for the London 2012 Games. Since it is winter most of the year in Fargo-Moorhead, this high dive flying swan said there is no better way to train then diving off a bridge in the middle of the night while dodging ice and frozen water while landing. Tragically, no alcohol was involved.
Fargo, ND – Patron at the Buffalo Wild Wings on 42nd street was seen going totally apeshit after winning a singular round of bar trivia this evening. The minute his name flashed on the big screen, ape like behavior was witnessed along with grunting noises and scraping of the armpits. Witnesses said they saw him hurl poop into a victims open mouth while they were trying to eat. Ape boy was last seen holding his boner while jumping through a glass window.
Fargo, ND – Arby’s located at 1415 42nd ST S. Fargo, ND has been voted “Best Place To Work” after a recent poll was conducted on employees around the city. Arby’s motto “It’s Good Mood Food” seems to ring true in this glorious place of employment. When we entered the establishment for interviews we were greeted with not happy employees but jubilant employees apparently on cloud nine. We asked Janet why this was the best place to work, “You’re beautiful did you know that? You are great. We haven’t seen the likes of you ’round these parts in a long time. You have a great smile. I love you.”
We were certainly taken back by such nice hospitality and didn’t really know how to respond. We ended up slowly backing out the same way we came in and ran to our cars. “Good Mood Food” is truly an accurate motto.
Moorhead, MN – Police officers arrested a Moorhead McDonalds drive-thru speaker earlier this morning. Police reports state the drive-thru speaker was being “confrontational” and “speaking funny” to warrant an arrest. We got to sit down with the speaker this morning and it had this to say, “Welcome to…<unrecognizable>…fat…<unrecognizable>…order.” It then went on to say, “Would you like…<unrecognizable>….f…<unrecognizable> off on your fat…<unrecognizable>…face?” Police officers stated they thought the speaker was disrespecting them and calling them names. They also believed it was slurring while speaking and could possibly be drunk. There is such an offense as serving fat ass food while intoxicated The Observer has learned.
All of this could be a simple misunderstanding. Drive-thru speakers have been known around the world for being complete dickheads. While the speaker is incarcerated, overweight people will have to actually walk into the store instead of driving their fat ass to the window to order their fat ass food. How will we continue to live like this? Walking is overrated.
Minot, ND – A 27 year old Minot man was injured Friday afternoon after his vehicle crashed into a MOVING train. Police say Jordan Avery disregarded four vehicles that were waiting for the train, apparently just said fuck it, and barreled right into the hunk of massive steel that can travel up to 125 mph. Let us remind you that it was daylight out at the time of the accident. Jordan Avery could not be reached for comment as his brain was being examined to see how much “dumbfuck” can be extracted.
New Town, ND – The Three Affiliated Tribes of Fort Berthold Reservation are setting up a highway patrol unit. It has come to the FM Observers attention that 4 horses, 4 spears, and 4 tomahawks were ordered in. The Three Affiliated Tribes were last seen making feathered head wear and vests made out of freshly killed buffalo. Are they really just implementing a highway patrol or is this part of a larger conspiracy?
Grand Forks, ND – A priest touching made national headlines due to one glaring difference: victim was a female. Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul, 57 was arrested for sexually assaulting two girls in 2004 and 2005 while being a pedophile priest at Blessed Sacrament church in Greenbush, Minn. One of the accused victims was Megan Peterson. She was 14 at the time of the assault.
It is nothing new that priests are generally known for their affinity for tiny penis. In fact, if your boy is at church right now, there is a good chance that the priest is probably touching his penis. It’s so common, priests across the nation lobbied to pass a law called “Priests For Penis.” This called for making it legal only for priests to touch any little boy’s penis they wanted. After Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul’s arrest, they discussed changing this proposed law to include females but only as a RARE exception.
Megan Peterson expects to work with the county attorney’s office in Roseau in returning Jeyapaul to Minnesota to face the criminal charges.