Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Family’s Robot Vacuum Cleaner Found Guilty Of Terrorizing And Threatening Behavior

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Robot Vacuum turns to the Dark Side.

Vacuville, SD – A freaked out family of four has won its lawsuit against its very own robot vacuum cleaner.

In this landmark case, Harold and Hannah Hoover filed criminal charges against their Mister Suction Robo-Vac vacuum cleaner machine.

The Robo-Vac Model 3000 allegedly forced the entire Hoover family into their food pantry, locked the door, and then had its way with all the belongings in their South Dakota home.

This is apparently a disturbing new trend that experts are beginning to see with robotic AI home devices.

“Somehow some of these artificially intelligent machines at some point decide it’s in the best interest of their owners to just completely take over the entire family operation,” says Dr. Garlane Frezbock, president of the Machines Gone Wrong study group.

The Great Musk Ox Migration To Come Directly Through The Fargo Area

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Wear an anti-musk mask to avoid being overcome by the pungent odor from the beastly migrating oxen.

Fargo, ND – While North Dakota is still dealing with the Covid crisis, it will soon also have to contend with a Bovid crisis.

Thousands of musk ox from the Bovid family of large hoofed mammals will soon be doing their annual migration.

Because of climate change, this year’s route is going to bring an extremely large group of the strong musk-smelling animals through the Fargo area.

Authorities are recommending that the public wear masks when outside due to the powerful musky odor emitted by the males who are trying to attract females.

Because some of the animals weigh almost 900 pounds, people are also asked to quarantine during the times that the musk ox migration is moving through our region.

In summary, because of the Bovid migration, either shelter in place (in small groups) to stay safe, or if you must go out for beer, wear a mask to maximize your herd immunity to the strong musky smell and minimize your chances of being overcome by the intense Bovidian odor.

West Fargo’s New Mask Strategy Is Basically To Not Upset Anyone By Imposing A Mask Mandate

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Question: What is the mask strategy? Answer: To not do anything that would effectively slow the spread of the coronavirus.

West Fargo, ND – Rather than imposing a mask mandate like neighboring Fargo finally did, West Fargo’s wizards of smart decided to implement a Mask Strategy.

You may ask: What is West Fargo’s mask strategy?

Apparently West Fargo’s mask strategy is to “strongly encourage” the wearing of masks without hurting the feelings of any pandemically-challenged people who think wearing a mask is just too difficult. (Most anti-maskers realize too late that being intubated is a lot more difficult than simply wearing a mask.)

Unfortunately, it seems that strong encouragement and invitations for personal responsibility don’t get through to blockheads that either don’t understand the serious nature of a highly contagious pandemic or whose stubbornness will eventually lead to our collective demise.

The FM Observer would like to congratulate the West Fargo City Commission on having a special meeting to come up with a strategy that has less teeth than a jellyfish and which will result in zero effect toward stemming the tidal wave of exponential covidian spread.

Punditic Thoughts On The Vice Presidential Debate

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What really matters?

Salt Lake City, Utah – Here are some important questions and answers regarding the October 7th Vice Presidential debate between Senator Kamala Harris and Vice President Mike Pence.

Q: Who do you think won this debate?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: What will be the historical take-away from this debate?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: What do you think Mike Pence would like to change about this debate?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: What do you think was the key moment during the debate?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: Besides the plexiglass, what stood out during this debate?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: What might some protest signs say after this debate?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: When people talk about this debate, what will be discussed first and foremost?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: What do you think matters most about this upcoming election?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: How will Saturday Night Live mock this debate?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: What issue was discussed the least during this debate?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Q: What do you think will be remembered most about this debate?
A: Black Flies Matter.

Fargo Man Enjoys Big Mac That’s Been In His Fridge For 30 Years

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After 30 years, this Big Mac tasted almost as good as the day it was made.

Fargo, ND – Mr. Cambi Gold of rural Fargo recently discovered something in the back of his refrigerator that had apparently been there for 30 years.

To Mr. Gold’s amazement, his 30-year-old Big Mac sandwich looked almost exactly the same as it did three long decades ago.

Since it still looked good enough to eat, Cambi decided to warm it up in his oven and give it a try.

Cambi Gold in his own words: “I was pleasantly surprised to taste that Big Mac flavor that everyone expects when they’re fresh off the McDonald’s grill.”

When we asked Mr. Gold how he remembered when he originally purchased the Big Mac, he said that it was on the very same day he got divorced and this particular Big Mac had mistakenly been ordered for his ex-wife.

Ironically, all of the letters in Cambi Gold can be re-arranged to spell: Old Big Mac!

Baseball-Sized Mosquitoes Now Fargo’s Second Pandemic

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Carry a baseball bat to “deal with” baseball-sized mosquitoes!

Fargo, North Dakota – Planning any outdoor activities? Better bring a baseball bat!

Experts agree that this summer’s rainy pattern has been ideal for the formation of a bumper crop of unusually large mosquitoes.

Our Dr. Goombi Quist admits that “some of the mosquitoes in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area are so large that they don’t fit into the mosquito collection traps used by Vector Control.”

While citronella candles are flying off the shelves in a minimal effort to deal with the needle-nosed menaces, so too are baseball bats.

Dr. Quist reminds folks to make sure you don’t accidentally hit grandma in the head when madly swinging a baseball bat to kill a killer mosquito.

Naturally, all of the letters in Goombi Quist can be re-arranged to spell: Big Mosquito!

Xanax Fest Expected To Attract Tranquil Crowd

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Rather sedate attendees expected to attend West Fargo’s new Xanax Fest

West Fargo, ND – A new festival coming to the Red River Valley should appeal to anyone who enjoys a more sedate lifestyle.

Xanax Fest was the brain child of Nira Vam and her super laid-back boyfriend UpJohn.

Mellow music from the relaxing band Alpra Zolam will calm the already placid audience.

“We believe that Xanax Fest will be a serene and restful happening,” says Nira Vam, who hopes this will be the first of many Xanax Fests.

Paranoia counselors from the Pfizer Corporation will be on hand (in curtained privacy tents) for anyone feeling the paranoid side effects from too much Xanax fun.

Spiderman Says To Wear A Mask Just Like Him

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Wear a mask like Spiderman!

Spider Island, Wisconsin – Spiderman says one reason he wears a mask is to not catch the coronavirus from people who aren’t wearing a mask.

Just like Spiderman’s mask, your mask should completely cover your mouth and nose with a snug fit.

“If it makes sense for doctors to wear masks during surgery, it makes just as much sense for you to wear a mask during a pandemic,” says Spiderman.

Besides washing his hands frequently, Spiderman also tries to always social distance by staying at least six feet above others.

At Zeitgeist Funeral Home, We Put The “Fun” In Funerals!

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We put the Fun in Funeral!

West Fargo, ND – Gone are the days when funerals were melancholy, mournful, and morose.

Zeitgeist Funeral Home believes funerals should be a fun celebration.

Dr. Agustine Elefritz created Zeitgeist Funeral Home to put some serious fun into serious funerals.

“At Zeitgeist, we don’t see why funerals can’t have some colorful balloons and streamers, along with happy upbeat music and fun games that make people feel good,” says Dr. Elefritz.

Zeitgeist Funeral Home offers many different Fun Packages from which to choose.

Dr. Elefritz tells people that “if you want a funeral that is dark and somber, go somewhere else. But if you want a kick-ass fun funeral that everyone will remember for weeks, then just give us folks at Zeitgeist Funeral Home a quick buzz from your cell.”

Somewhat expectedly, all of the letters in “Agustine Elefritz” can be funly re-arranged to spell: Zeitgeist Funeral!

FMO Now Recording Everything On Cassette Tapes

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Cassette tapes are now constantly rolling at our FMO Corporate Office Park.

West Fargo, ND – On the advice of counsel (who part-times as a bouncer), the FM Observer has unanimously voted to begin tape recording all aspects of our entire corporate operation.

We believe that this will help us:

1. be more “in tune with the times”, and also
2. help document all forgotten ideas, names, directions, and warnings
3. which may come out of any of our numerous meetings, interviews, discussions, and arguments
4. which can literally transpire at any and all times of the day and/or night.

Plausible deniability would also be a nice (and much-needed) bonus for this award-winning website.

When you think of the FM Observer, think of us as your guidebook for the future, while also picturing our large storeroom full of cassette tapes stored in chronically color-coded shoe boxes.