Tag Archives: fargo

Hobo President Frank Donovan Kicks Off Re-election Campaign

2241806636_0f670a2c80_bFargo, ND – The Commander-In-Chief of Fargo’s underground homeless community is making a strong push for re-election this November. Frank Donovan, or “Hobo Frank” as he is more affectionately known, is getting an early start on campaigning.

Frank’s primary campaign strategy includes scrawling a crudely-drawn picture of his face on balled-up pieces of paper he finds in streetside trash bins and pasting them to light poles using the remnants of an Elmer’s glue bottle he found in an art school dumpster. That, in addition to creeping up on passed-out alley drunks and stuffing re-purposed business flyers with the words “vote 4 Frank” scribbled all over the front and back into their gaping mouths.

What some of you may not know is that each American city’s hobo community contains a chosen homeless “mayor” if you will, who acts as a social liason between area homeless and functioning society. The hobo President earns his spot via a general election in which a designated trash receptacle acts as a ballot box that participating homeless voters must throw a piece of garbage into containing their:

  • REMEMBERED NAME (if you do not remember your actual name, you may put in your hobo nickname)
  • CHOSEN CANDIDATE (who you are voting for as hobo president)

The candidate with the most discernible hunks of trash with his name on it at the end of the election day (which ends the morning after, right before trash pick-up) wins the spot of President/Mayor. The actual functioning title of this prestigious honor is a mystery, as no one in functioning society has ever asked a homeless mayor his title. I don’t think the homeless know what it is either– purely speculation at this point.

It’s amazing, really, what goes on behind the scenes in the homeless community. Not many people are familiar with the hobo underground as their day-to-day activities are largely ignored by most. I know i’m guilty of this. Anyway, the Observer would like to wish Hobo Frank best of luck in the upcoming President/Mayor/Whatever the Hell It’s Called election. Vote 4 Frank!

ANCHORMAN-Style Brawl Erupts in Motel 6 Parking Lot

Fargo, ND – Taking inspiration from the 3 wise men (Jim, Jack, Jose) and the movie Anchorman (in which news teams do battle with weapons in a back-alley), a handful of drunks at the Motel 6 in Fargo went at it last night in the establishment’s parking lot. These maniacs each sported weapons-of-choice: construction tools and even one was said to have wielded a long gun. The lunatics waged war on each other like fucking Braveheart for a number of minutes until police arrived to break up the melee. Charges have yet to be filed and a number of the men were brought by ambulance to Essentia hospital with injuries.

No word yet on whether or not Paul Ryan’s lie-packed Republican National Convention speech had anything to do with the argument between the men. This reporter would like to blame the guys’ brawl and every other world issue on Honey Boo Boo, but the timing of Ryan’s speech and this story is too perfect to ignore.

Hole In Ground Available For Rent In Fargo

Fargo, ND – A property management company has decided to get innovative and cutting edge with their leasing options. An apartment complex on 9th Avenue Circle in Fargo has completely filled vacancy inside the actual building, and with business booming, decided that it would be stupid to deny eager residents the option to rent at their fantastic homes. So, they did what any savvy company would: they tore a hole in the ground and stuck a sign next to it. “For Rent” the sign reads, and at a steal of a deal: this sod-walled studio apartment is available for only $599/month! Comes equipped with big long orange extension cord for unlimited electricity, curbside garbage pickup, flimsy orange caution fence for privacy, and pets are required as many disgusting wild animals already inhabit this tiny dent in the earth. Call now before it’s gone!

Cops Crash Bachelorette Party Posing As Strippers

Fargo, ND – Local on-duty uniformed police officers were reported to have had a little fun at the expense of a bachelorette party over the weekend. Two Fargo police spotted a party bus parked outside the Old Broadway night club in downtown Fargo and decided to take action. They called in a 10-69 which is cop code for “accost a group of drunk bachelorettes with the magic of sexy dance”. The officers received a hearty 10-4 from the girls, as they were welcomed with open arms, laughs and smiles all while the girls shot questioning glances at one-another trying to figure out who the culprit was that called these hot chunks of man-meat! The women had their fun with the cops; gyrating against bullet-proof vests as the 2 fun-loving protectors of the common good danced provocatively & collected dollar bills inside their utility belts.

The police, after a rousing ovation from the party bus, took some photos and left to spend their hard-earned tip money on coffee as they were set to begin the night shift.

Tomato Plant Bombs Causing Fear of Terrorist Activity

Fargo, ND – The recent string of tomato plant bombs in the downtown Fargo area has certain business patrons and residents on high alert. These tomato plant buckets have been popping up in random locations on sidewalks throughout downtown, much to the dismay of your typical god-fearing terrorist-hating American. What is the purpose of the tomato bucket, you ask? Well it’s just a free-for-all plant care initiative that you or I can participate in. You water the tomato plant if it looks dry & pluck a tomato off the vine to keep as a reward for your efforts. Simple. But, alas, fearmongers are having a difficult time accepting & understanding the unknown. Downtown resident Kenneth Noisewater shared his ridiculous concerns with the Observer:

“These plant bombs only LOOK harmless on the outside. Anybody could put an actual bomb inside the soil. This is NOT acceptable. Surely a deadly terrorist tool disguised as a friendly gimmick by a member of an elite group of war bandits.”

Mr. Noisewater went on to remind the Observer that you “don’t just leave baggage unattended at an airport” and that the same principal applies to the tomato plants. I tried to bring Mr. Noisewater closer to one of the plants to help alleviate his concern, but he backpedaled and accused me of being a “cold-blooded terrorist”. Sigh. Oh well….let’s not let one fearmonger ruin a perfectly good summer idea.

Amanda Smock Having A Hard Time Finding A Job After Recent News Coverage

Fargo, ND – Former North Dakota State University Amanda Smock won the triple jump at the U.S. Olympic Trials last Monday, June 25th.

This great achievement has produced North Dakota State’s first United States Olympic track and field athlete.  However, it hasn’t all been good news.

Since all the recent news coverage last week, Amanda Smock has stated that she has had a very hard time landing a job.  Her recent pictures plastered all over the internet have fooled potential employers into thinking that she may not all be right in the head.  She could possibly have a mental disorder or brain damage and unable to fulfill all required job requirements.

One employer, after seeing Amanda’s job application, searched the internet to creep and get some dirt on her.  What he found were pictures of her running such as the ones below.

amanda smock

“After seeing these I said to myself, there is no way this women can fulfill all the job requirements.  Not with that face.  Nope.  No way.  Something isn’t right there” the employer stated.

Another employer saw her job application as well and did as the previous creepy employer did, searched the internet.  He unfortunately found the picture below.

Amanda Smock Funny Face

Amanda Smock posing for the camera.

Immediately after seeing the picture above he threw her application into the garbage.  “There is no way I can hire a women who looks to be shitting themselves while running.  It just isn’t going to work.  Not gonna happen” the other employer stated.

We wish Amanda Smock the best of luck at the Olympics.  After a win there, hopefully future potential employers will disregard her pictures on the internet and consider hiring her.

 

Aliens Invading Fargo Moorhead

Mothership! Aliens Invading Fargo-Moorhead Workforce!

Aliens Invading Fargo MoorheadWest Fargo, ND – It’s True!!!  Aliens have been spotted around the Fargo-Moorhead area.  However, they are in a place you would least expect.  Working right next to you!

That’s right.  Aliens have been trying to mingle amongst us here on earth for quite sometime and now their act has been compromised.  How long has this been going on?  How long have they been infiltrating our human race?  All good questions that we have no answers to.

These human like aliens have been showing up in the Fargo-Moorhead workforce recently.  Not because of their looks but because of the way they act.

Reports have been coming in of co-workers, managers, and bosses projecting weird and confusing like behavior from these “humans.”

Some reported observed behaviors include:

– micromanaging
– eating very loud crunchy food at their desk
– shitting in the bathroom as loud as possible and not flushing
– somehow getting their pubic hair on the ceiling in the bathroom
– using corporate phrases such as “synergy”
– running to the bathroom out of nowhere because they are probably shitting an alien baby out of their rectum
– eating more food at their desk
– laughing while wheezing uncontrollably
– take 1 hour 30 min lunches and then complain when you take 1 hour and 10 min lunches
– creating unnecessary meetings or stand-up meetings when there are only two people
– talking where the words “bullshit” literally come out of their mouth, all in visible colorful letters
– creating answering machine greetings for their voicemail every morning where they make sure to include today’s date
– making sure they press the hang up button on their phone first before putting the phone down (aliens don’t know that they can just hang the phone up)
– business casual to them means t-shirts, flip flops, and christmas sweaters in march

These are just a few of the obvious signs that this person is NOT HUMAN.

Recent research has suggested that the mothership of these alien “humans” or “workers” is located in Tioga, ND.  It is believed that they convene there to get new instructions uploaded into their alien brains, training, maintenance, and other things.

This is serious business people.  If we don’t act now, what will become of the world?  What will your children have to deal with?  I’ll tell you.  Stinky alien shit.  That is what everyone will have to deal with if they don’t act soon.  You will all be eating stinky alien shit for the rest of your lives, your children’s lives, and your children’s children’s lives.  Now that is something to NOT look forward to.

Local 10-year-old Heard Cussing At Dinner Table Denied Ice Cream

Fargo, ND – An area 4th-grader was recently denied the privilege of dessert after his mother overheard him voice his disapproval of dinner. The boy, said by his mother to have been watching an “inappropriate movie” with his father, is alleged to have called dinner “cold and shitty by the time we all sat down to eat”. The mother, upon hearing the child mutter these profanities under his breath, immediately sent the child to his room which, in turn, revoked his privilege of dessert that the rest of the family was able to indulge in. The Observer caught up with the boy to get his side of the story:

“Liver and onions is fucking shitty and I hate it, so…”

The lesson learned here is simple: avoid liver and onions at all costs, even if it costs you dessert.

Sting Operation At Dog Park Results In Arrest

317411894_64075595f0_o

Public fornication

Fargo, ND – The police K-9 unit in Fargo, acting on an anonymous tip, recently enacted a sting operation resulting in an arrest at the dog park on 45th Street in Fargo.

The tipster, who shall choose to remain anonymous, informed police that he or she witnessed many acts of public lewdness and fornication occurring at the 45th Street doggie harem. Canines were reported by the informant to have been copulating each other in the act of “doggystyle” publicly, in broad daylight. The horror!

Fargo police, acting on this tip, promptly sent in a member of their K-9 drug-sniffing unit dressed as a prostitute to try & nab one of the alleged pervert pups. The K-9 hung it out there, and one of the dogs went for it almost instantly. Police crashed the sex party and arrested the drooling canine on the spot, citing “public indecency” among other charges.

Chalk up a victory for the Fargo Police Department for bringing another sex-crazed pervert to justice.

Fargo Panhandlers Super AIDS

Fargo To Crack Down On Small Businesses

Fargo Panhandlers Super AIDSFargo, ND – Small business owners, and by small business I mean panhandlers, will have to take their business elsewhere.

Panhandlers have been filing business license applications in records numbers lately in the hopes to become their own small business.  The panhandling profession has become very profitable in the Fargo area and citizens are growing concerned.

On Monday, city commissioners voted unanimously to expand a city ordinance that bans panhandling in Fargo.  Recently there have been a growing number of complaints and concerns of these small business owners lurking on street corners and medians all around Fargo asking and begging for money.

I went and spoke with one small business owner who was lurking on 13th ave and 45th ST. and asked him what he thought of the new ordinance.

“I need grocery money man.  I also need video games, leopard print underwear, and cognac.  It’s hard being a business owner and I’m out here just trying to keep the business afloat.  This new ordinance could put hardworking people out of business!” he said.

Another panhandler stated, “What am I going to do if I’m put out of business?!?  I’m going to have to come back out here and ask for even more money!  What is wrong with this country!!”

Meanwhile, you will be seeing signs such as the one below on busy street corners and intersections in an attempt to remind people not to feed the animals….er…….panhandlers.

Please Do Not Feed the Wildlife