Tag Archives: fargo

Co_Rd_17_Fargo_Cow

Dirty Cows Distrupt Traffic

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Fargo, ND – Exhibitionist cows brought traffic to a grinding halt on Co Rd 17 in Fargo earlier this morning.  A pair of bovines were caught “doing the dirty” in the middle of the road the highway patrol stated.

The cows were getting it on so intensely that some perverted passerby was jailed on suspicions of masturbating in public.

One of the bulls didn’t take kindly to the state troopers attempts to interrupt the act so cops had to call in the North Dakota Farm Bureau to coax the animals into custody.

The two bovines are being charged with breach of peace and public indecency.  They were being held on $500 bail.

 

 

Super AIDS of Fargo Moorhead

UPDATE: Super AIDS reign of terror showing no signs of stopping

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Super AIDS of Fargo MoorheadFargo, ND – With its tiny but deadly hands held firmly at the throat of our quiet community, the Super AIDS virus continues its unrelenting reign of terror on the home front. Human bodies are still being violently penetrated by Super AIDS a handful of days after a cleanup week mishap caused a sudden breakout of the virus by way of airborne pathogen. And what a persistently furious and annoying airborne pathogen it has become, violating the psyche and buttholes of many all the while causing an obnoxious chorus of showtunes to be sung by the infected.


Walking outside these days, you would think you’d stumbled upon a crowd of bad karoke singers with bunghole infections participating in a road race of some sort. The infected can be seen singing, scratching and sprinting for their lives while the rest of the immune stand by and laugh. LOL. You see, Super AIDS does not affect the clean of body and spirit. It only attacks especially filthy humans; those possessors of unwashed bodies and tainted souls. That being said, this article is a cry for help as this reporter has been trapped inside his house for roughly 36 hours since the outbreak first started. Anyone with a military-grade flamethrower, please help if you dare. I have an immovable swarm of Super AIDS banging & beating its way inside my patio door and I do not know how much longer the glass will hold….

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Cleanup Week In Fargo-Moorhead Leaves Strange Items On The Curbside

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Fargo, ND – It is Clean Up week around the Fargo-Moorhead area or the Scavengers Super Bowl other people call it.

This week, thousands of people will throw various filthy piles of shit they have been hording in their house out on the curbside.  Fargo street crew workers have their work cut out for them.  Sifting through bed bug ridden, piss stained bed mattresses, dog shit, super aids, and even more super aids, these sorry bastards deserve more pay for the week.

Along with the filth people throw out, there are a number of strange items the Fargo street crews have come across.

One worker came across an actual full-blooded breathing human.  It seems the husband put the wife out on the curb hoping a passing scavenger will pick her up.

Some other items found are:

The Constitution.  Found on the boulevard of a state representative.  “We don’t need this shit” he said.

Expired Breast Implants

Blood-Stained Cauldron

Various children.  Presumably annoying brats.

Super AIDS as mentioned before.  It be everywhere.

Dynamite

Wolf Urine

Illegal Mexican Immigrant

Pathetically Deflated Blow-up Doll

Broken Sex Swing

Lion Cage

Balloon animals in the shape of Kanye West

Small Wedding Chappel

Inflatable Bondage Chair

Clean up crews are asking that you keep your piles of shit to a minimum.  One neighbor is reporting that his dirty filthy neighbor has already consumed 5 neighbors boulevards with his crap.

 

Miracle, A Female Peregrine Falcon Returns To Fargo. Husband Missing.

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Fargo, ND – Since April, many birds have started their seasonal migration back to the Fargo-Moorhead area.  One of the those birds is a peregrine falcon named Miracle.  Since 2008, Miracle and her mate Dakota Ace have been setting up shop outside the 12th floor of the Bank of the West building in downtown Fargo.  The only difference this year, Dakota Ace is nowhere to be seen.  At a ripe age of 15, it is speculated that Dakota Ace did not survive the winter.  It is possible that he simply hasn’t made the trek home yet but with each passing day it is becoming a less likely scenario.

We smelled bullshit on this story right away.  Upon hearing Dakota Ace was missing, we were on a mission to find out what really happened to him.  After extension research, copious amounts of coffee, and dozens of dead ends, we finally found Dakota Ace in the least likely of places, a bar in southern Florida.  We sat down with Dakota Ace to get the story.

“Where in the world have you been Dakota?  The people of Fargo have been worried about you.” I asked.  “Well, where do I begin.  I couldn’t stand that old hag anymore.  She was constantly nagging!  Go hunt some food for me.  Build this nest.  Fix this nest.  Do this.  Do that.  It never ended.  Always asking where I’ve been when everytime it’s because I’m out getting her and I food to survive.  I couldn’t stand it anymore.  She was just a total bitch.  Besides that, she started getting fat.  Who wants to live with that?  When I first started mating with her she was a 10.  After a few years she turned into a 2.  Bleh!  Gross!  Talk about false advertising!  To top it all off, Fargo is cold!  Always windy, always cold, and it snows for half the year.  Screw that!  I’m going to enjoy the hot and humid weather here in Florida.  Please tell that old hag that I died a terrible death.  Please!  I beg of you!”

I bought Mr. Ace another beer and we chatted late into the evening.  I fulfilled Mr. Ace’s request and told Miracle that Dakota had died a terrible death and to move on.  Apparently Miracle believed me as there has been another male possibly spotted in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

We wish Mr. Ace the best and hopes he gets the relaxation he deserves.

runner fargo moorhead

Running, Rollerblading, Biking, Hotties, Causing Car Crashes Across The Fargo-Moorhead Area.

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runner fargo moorheadFargo, ND – You can tell spring is finally here as seen by the boners casually sticking out of men’s shorts or the increase of car crashes across the Fargo-Moorhead area.  Fargo-Moorhead has seen a dramatic increase of car crashes since fresh air and nice weather has graced the region.  Since Monday, there have been a total of 10 automobile accidents and all of them were males behind the wheel.

One crash was report on 25th st and 32nd ave in South Fargo.  We spoke with the man involved in the accident and asked how it all happened.

“Well I was listening to the song Dancing Queen by ABBA and rolling down the street pretty hard.  I looked to my left and saw a huge rack of big ol’ titties bouncing up and down to the beat of the same song I was listening to.  She was just riding her bike all hot and stuff.  Next thing I knew, the front of my car was halfway through the back end of the car in front of me.”

We were on location of another accident on 9th st e and 18th ave e West Fargo.  We asked Peter File how it all went down.

“I was just driving around Cheney Middle School over and over you know?  I was uh, just bored on my day off.  I spilled some pop on my crotch and was wiping it up when something passed the corner of my eye.  I looked over to see a very sexy young lady on roller blades.  The last thing I remember was seeing her sweaty nipples through her white shirt.  It was glorious!  Then I crashed my car into a light pole and that sucked.  I blacked out for 10 minutes but I will always remember the nipple sweat.”

Lastly we spoke with James who veered off the road, went down a ditch, jumped 2ft over a hill and finally landed in a man made lake.

“I was simply minding my own business when I saw two girlfriends in short shorts running down the road.  I was imagining how cool it would be for them to just stop running and start making out.  That’s when I veered off the road like the dukes of hazzard.

This beautiful weather is only going to get nicer so we can only hope we see more barley dressed women hopping around like not a care in the world.  I apologize.  What I meant was, as it’s only the start of spring, this weather is only going to get nicer.  Let’s pay attention to our fellow drivers and keep our eyes on the road.

Cone Monster signals Construction season has arrived in North Dakota

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Fargo, ND – The dawn of spring is upon us in North Dakota. This is a welcome change to the region, but with one humongous downside: ROAD CONSTRUCTION. The ugly orange beast is making his presence felt in a major way this year. Since the snow is completely gone already, the DOT has decided to shut down traffic on every major thruway in the Fargo area starting Wednesday.

This construction season is estimated to be so brutal, experts say the mass of Cone Monsters will be visible from space. The Observer recommends that you wear sunglasses at all times as the reflection off of his scaly, orange skin will be so bright it could cause blindness. Also, please do not look the Cone Monster directly in the eye. This leaves you vulnerable to attack. Just, please, stay as far away as humanly possible from the Cone Monster. They can smell the fear on you…especially if you’re speeding through a construction zone.

The Cone Monster is coming to reap!

North Dakota State University (NDSU) Bison

Cuts are coming to North Dakota State University. Dean Bresciani Faces Tough Decisions.

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Fargo, ND – North Dakota State University Head Mafia Boss President Dean Bresciani is facing very VERY tough decisions these days.  This comes after the State Board Of Higher Education denied a request for a half-percent hike in NDSU’S tuition. ” Waa Waa Waa” was heard from people who actually have a door to enter their office on the NDSU campus.  They were last seen crawling out of their offices, opening the door, and peeing on everyone in a cubicle.

In another example of “We can’t make this up” the President Dean Bresciani said, “there’s nothing left to cut.”  With President Deans ridiculous salary of over 300k, we at the FM Observer know exactly where to cut it.  Instead of cutting heads off mafia style Bresciani, let’s cut your salary.  What do you actually do that warrants 300k a year when your “subordinates” probably do all the work anyways?  Not to mention last year, the top dogs, which included you, were given pay raises approved via North Dakota’s Board of Higher Fuck You In Your Ass.  Even with that kind of money you couldn’t buy a hooker hot enough to give your ugly faces a lap dance.

More common sense from the common folk Bresciani, had this to say, “”We’ll try to shave that bone versus cutting that bone.” “We want to do everything possible to preserve the educational environment here.”  He left out “cutting that bone” to include him and his cronies salary.  That means doing everything necessary to GIVE ME RAISE he meant.  One year ago the board of higher education approved a nearly 9% tuition increase at NDSU but yet earlier that year approved a raise to the d bags who don’t even deserve it.

Good job higher education.  Take all the money you can.  Your bubble will soon BUST and then your left with Karma.  This Karma gal is a complete bitch we heard.

Rush Limbaugh

Rock 102 FM’s news radio makeover causes expected uproar

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Fargo, ND – Was there ever any doubt that residents occupying the broadcast area of the Rock 102 FM radio frequency would voice their discontent over the channel’s new talk radio format changeover? Not in the slightest. Regular people like you and I have made their voices heard to the Observer over what many have labeled a “totally pointless and unjustified” switch-over from Rock 102 to Talk 101.9 FM:

Randy, West Fargo:

– “Four straight hours of Rush every day?! Hell yeah! [singing] FLY BY NIGHT!! Wait…what? Rush LIMBAUGH?? Aw, come on! Buzzkill!!!”

Elise, Fargo:

– “Oh, wow, this is terrific. If I wanted to hear a fat blowhard spew misogynistic hate venom at me for 4 hours every day in crystal clear audio i’d have dinner at my in-laws’ house.”

Bret, Fargo:

– “Q98 plays the same crap lineup of recycled one-hit-wonders from the 90s and early 2000s on a daily basis. Pathetic. One less competing rock station gets me that much closer to boycotting radio altogether.”

Adam, Mapleton:

– “What’s Rock 102 FM?”

Steven, Casselton:

– “I’m pretty sure if you fire Scotch, Tank and Ginger, you’re going to lose 3 talented radio personalities to a competing station. That, or lose 3 radio personalities and gain 3 cart-pushers at Hornbacher’s. Hey-ooo!!!”

This expected turn of events has me wondering: When will it end? Will the city of Fargo keep descending into utter pop culture obscurity until there’s nothing cool around to celebrate, thus turning everything here so pathetically lame that i’m forced to make fun of it until i’m run out of town? Only time will tell.

“March Madness” Defense Fails Miserably In Court

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Fargo, ND – The Observer is surprised to learn that yet another hapless defendant and his bumbling pro bono lawyer went with the “March Madness” defense, only to get laughed at by a veteran judge who has definitely seen this type of idiocy before. The defendant, on trial for vehicular manslaughter, had his lawyer go with this as a last-ditch effort in an attempt to sway the jury’s decision in his favor:

“But, your Honor, you know what it’s like. The frenzy of the tournament and all…I guess my client let all this March Madness get the best of him, heh heh.”

The presiding judge was not the slightest bit amused:

“You are a piece of work, you know that? I’ve sat in this chair for tournament after tournament now for many years. I’ve won some brackets, i’ve lost some brackets but if you think for one second i’m going to listen to that ridiculous closing argument you’re dead wrong. A smart defense attorney would have advised me what team to bet on prior to the tournament, postponed this hearing until after said team won the tournament and THEN come to me with the March Madness defense. You two AMATEURS obviously don’t have your heads screwed on straight.”

The defendant was then held in contempt of court which only added to the humiliation. Sentencing is scheduled for the 2nd week in April, which cannot bode well for the defendant if the judge’s team doesn’t win it all.