Fargo Civic Center Purchased By Tom Cruise/Scientology

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The Fargo Civic Center will soon become The Fargo Scientology Center

Fargo, ND – While Fargo city leaders were wondering what to do with the aging Fargo Civic Center, Scientology’s Tom Cruise made them an offer too good to pass up.

The Fargo Civic Center will be transitioned into The Fargo Scientology Center and become the living, breathing regional headquarters for hundreds of Scientology cult members to recruit more Scientologists to help recruit more Scientologists.

Tom Cruise believes this is truly a win/win scenario:

Fargo leaders are happy to finally get rid of the old Fargo Civic Center for a healthy price of two hundred million dollars.

The ghost of L. Ron Hubbard is happy because now his cult members can rid Planet Earth of all negativity and psychiatry, especially in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

‘The Fargo Syndrome’ Beginning To Affect Many Fargoans

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Suffering from the Fargo Syndrome can cause suffering from the Fargo Syndrome.

Fargo, ND – Many clinics have begun reporting cases of people suffering from the effects of The Fargo Syndrome.

Doctors say it is comes from a fermenting combination of: the long cold winter, a lack of sun and warm fresh air, a depressing sense that you’re living out in the middle of nowhere, and how terribly the Minnesota Vikings season ended.

If you think you might be starting to feel the toxic effects of The Fargo Syndrome, either turn on all your lights, call a friend, go shopping, book a flight to Cancun, or try taking another Xanax.

Experts do point out that one very positive note is that it could be much worse. You could be living up in Grand Forks!

Very Varying Reviews On First Lady Michelle Obama’s Smithsonian Portrait

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Some don’t see much of a resemblance to Michelle Obama whilst others say: Who cares?!

Painter, Virginia – After the official unveiling of Michelle Obama’s portrait for the Smithsonian Institution, debate immediately began on its likeness to the painting’s subject.

Our painting expert, Amsterdam Douglass, believes a portrait painter has a wide latitude in which to express their creative interpretation of a person or object.

“I personally love the Michelle Obama portrait, painted by Amy Sherald, who certainly has her own style, as do we all. If they wanted an exact likeness of First Lady Michelle Obama, then they should have used a photograph.”

Many others have a much differing opinion which generally goes like this: the painting is great, but should probably look very similar to the person who’s being painted.

One critic of the portrait suggested that just the face in the painting be corrected to look more like the First Lady before it is permanently institutionalized at the Smithsonian.

Many Wondering How Curling Can Be Considered An Olympic Sport?

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Since curling is basically shuffleboard on ice, it is more of a game than a sport.

Game Lodge, SD – Many are seriously questioning how Curling became an Olympic “sport” and why it still remains one?

Compared to anything done on skis or skates, it seems that Curling is more in the category of playing Shuffleboard, Bocce Ball, and Cornholio (aka Bean Bags).

Jack Flushing, president of Poker America, believes that if Curling is considered an Olympic “sport”, then so too should Poker also be an Olympic sport.

How do you feel about Curling as as Olympic “sport”?

Do you think it is on the same level as Cross Country Skiing and Downhill Racing?

Does it make sense to you that some Olympic “athletes” can win medals for madly sweeping ice with a broom?

Would you be willing to carry a sign in an anti-Curling protest march?

Tsunami False Alarm Issued For State Of North Dakota

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The legendary state of North Dakota receives its first ever Tsunami Warning.

Bismarck, ND – Even though it did seem a bit odd at the time, a Tsunami Warning was issued for the entire state of North Dakota.

Without thinking, many folks in North Dakota did have a panicky knee-jerk reaction to the warning, which read: “Tsunami Alert – Listen To Radio: This is not a test!”

Lester Schnopgaard told us that after getting his entire family up onto their roof, he then began to wonder: “Hey, how could a tsunami hit North Dakota, and where the heck would the water be coming from?”

Most people who tuned into the radio only heard some country music or a night-time discussion about how aliens have taken over the White House.

About 28 minutes after the Tsunami Warning was issued, it was then cancelled, which was a huge relief to Lester Schnopgaard and the entire state of North Dakota.

Fargo Boy First To Ride Rocket Bike Into Space

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Expect to see many more Rocket Bikes flying out into deep space.

Fargo, ND – A young Fargo man who shall remain unnamed since he is only age 15, has not only started his own company called Space Exit, but has also designed, built, and successfully flown his own Rocket Bike into space.

Jermaine Vincent Cohen, who just turned 15 on Saturday, wanted to prove that his dream of flying a rocket bike into space was not only achievable, but also marketable.

His Fargo-based company called Space Exit will soon begin mass-producing his amazing Rocket Bike so other thrill-seekers can experience the extreme exhilaration of blasting off and riding a bike out into deep space.

Some industry analysts are saying that young Jermaine Cohen’s Rocket Bike is to travel as the iPhone was to communication.

Top Ten Things To Do Instead Of Watching The Super Bowl

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In case you don’t feel like watching the Super Bowl, there are some great alternatives.

Fargo, ND – If you’re looking for some fun and different options to do whilst everyone else in the world is watching the Super Bowl ads, we have thoughtfully surveyed the greater Fargo-Moorhead area to come up with some great alternatives for you, boiled down into one short convenient list:

10. Host an Anti-Super Bowl party and watch CNN.

9. Paint your interior walls with a wild jungle scene.

8. Volunteer to work as a bouncer at a local soup kitchen.

7. Go pick out your next pet(s) at the Humane Society.

6. Do comparison price shopping at different grocery stores.

5. Organize all your belongings alphabetically into boxes labeled A-Z.

4. Go door-to-door and ask people what they’re doing?

3. Read the Book of Revelation out loud and then meditate.

2. Discuss the Nunes memo with close friends and family.

1. Watch the Puppy Bowl on the Animal Planet channel.

PHI Eagles Fans Kindly Asked To Wear Purple (Instead Of Green) To Super Bowl

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As a sign of friendship, some Minneapolis bars are offering Philadelphia Eagles fans a free beer.

Minneapolis, MN – Vikings fans are kindly asking Philadelphia Eagles fans to wear purple when attending Super Bowl 52 in the Minnesota Viking’s brand new stadium.

Members of the Vikings Fans Safety Committee all agree that to ensure the safety of Philadelphia Eagles fans while entering and exiting the Vikings Stadium, they should not be wearing any green.

The VFSC stated: “To atone for their sin of mistreating Vikings fans while attending the playoff game in Philadelphia, and to show they are sorry for what they did, and that they regret their stupid, misguided actions, we Vikings fans are willing to extend an olive branch in the name of safety, and allow for safe passage of Eagles fans while in Minnesota, as long as they wear Vikings purple instead of Eagles green.”

Area Man Says He Can 3-D Print Your Bitcoin

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Bitcoin. Money, we guess.

Fargo, ND – For a non-nominal fee, an area man will turn your crypto-currency into physical currency for you to spend willfully on the black market or anywhere else they recognize this monopoly money. 

Cryptocurrency, which is somehow tradeable, exists on a metaphysical dataplane known as the blockchain. That might all sound utterly baffling, but not to area man Wrick Zaprudia. He’s got a handle on this cyber hustle and says he can convert that blockchained crypto into actual physical currency. 

Wrick Zaprudia. Bitcoin Knower-Abouter.

When asked how in the blue hell this printer can possibly convert crypto-coin into spendable money, Zaprudia went on a garbled data-tangent none of us here at FM Observer could completely grasp. “Without getting too technical–because your 20th-century brain probably can’t decipher it–it works like this. My 3D printer de-hashes your blockchained crypto-ledger into calculable ones and zeros. These codes, or bits as they are more commonly known, get fed into my printer’s 3-dimensional dot-matrix and converted into bit………..coin. Got it? Or should I start over? That’ll be $781.50.”

Once your bitcoin is produced, you can then make a laughable attempt to spend it at your local gas station or department store but I bet they’ll look at you like you are from the planet Bitcoinia. Your crypto-money is no good here you kook, they’ll say. I can’t change one bitcoin. Dead presidents or get out of my store.

At the time of this publication, one Bitcoin is somehow worth an inconceivable $11154.23.

 

Some Religious Groups Demanding Statue Of David Wear Some Clothes

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Many devoutly religious people are quite offended by Michelangelo’s David being totally buck naked.

Florence, South Dakota – Many religious groups are now demanding that all statues of David be “properly clothed” so as to not offend onlookers.

Leo Gleichman, after seeing David, commented: “Perhaps this would’ve been OK back when times were different, but in today’s society, this is just plain offensive.”

Loli McGeehan, who couldn’t leave the statue of David fast enough, barked: “I haven’t been this offended since the first slow dance at my high school prom!”

Ameen Coghill strongly thinks: “This statue should either be draped with large curtains, or immediately removed and destroyed.”

Alice Engholm, who thought she had seen it all, noted: “The statue of David is very large, but why does he have to be so fracking naked? Someone needs to get that boy some clothes!”

Ironically, the letters in the names of all the people we interviewed can be re-arranged to spell: Michelangelo!