Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

Downtown Fargo In The Winter

List: Top 10 Things To Do At Home In Fargo During Winter

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Fargo, ND – Follow up story to the Top 10 Things To Do In Fargo During Winter.  Here is a list of things you can do in the comfort of your own home during the winter months in Fargo.

 

1. Plan A Kidnapping

When the time comes, you’ll have a solid kidnapping plan in place if you ever need it.

 

2. Practice Your Telekinesis Skills

Once you master it, your fat ass can sit on the couch while you use your newly acquired powers to bring the food to you.

 

3. Hold a 20 Minute Conversation With The Wall

Probably the best conversation you’ll have all week.

 

4. Attempt To Learn Bird Language

Figure out what the birds are really up to.  World domination probably.

 

5. Get Drunk And Start A Fight With Your Stuffed Animals

Your chances of winning are high.  Self-confidence booster.

 

6. Spend The Entire Day With Your Eyes Closed Like A Blind Person

Live like a blind person.  Walking in the middle of the night will be much easier.

 

7. Count The Total Number Of Hairs On Your Arm

This will benefit your math skills.  You’ll finally have an answer for when everyone asks you how many hairs you have on your arm.  Very important statistic to have.

 

8. Create A Facebook Account Of Your Alter Ego

My super hero status just got legit after creating a facebook account of my alter ego.

 

9. Play Dead

Lay at the foot of the stairs and stay there throughout the entire day.  Ask everyone you know to stop by.

 

10. Perform Surgery On Yourself

Play doctor and see if you could make a career out of it on the black market.

West Fargo Police Pumpkin Humper Arrested

Man Caught Having ‘Sexy Time’ With Area Pumpkins

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West Fargo, ND – Pumpkins missing from your front door step?  West Fargo Police finally have an answer for you.

Early this morning, a West Fargo man was arrested for having sexy time with pumpkins all over the West Fargo area.  One neighbor was walking to shut the front light off when he spotted a man in dark clothing erratically humping away at his defenseless smurf carved pumpkin.  Once spotted, the man ran away taking the pumpkin with him.

Another incident 2 hours later, Ted was walking out to his car to lock it when he caught the pumpkin humper with his pants down and a small pumpkin hanging from his genitals.  Again, the man ran away, pumpkin and all.

The last witnessed incident was the pumpkin humpers embarrassing downfall which did him in.  Becky was watching a movie late last night when she heard some rustling on her front door step.  She went down to investigate and opened her front door.  There lay the pumpkin humper sprawled out on her front door step, completely passed out, pants down, pumpkin seeds everwhere.  Scattered around him were five of Becky’s pumpkins, broken and bruised.  Who knows the torture they had to endure.

Police say the pumpkin humper is in their custody and it is once again safe for everyone to put their pumpkins out on their front door step, just in time for Halloween.

The Fargo DMV Is In A Terrible Location

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fargo_dmvFargo, ND – The DMV is the last place one wants to be…..ever.  I’d rather be swimming in pig shit than be waiting in line at the dmv.  If having to enter the gates of hell dmv didn’t make your life miserable enough, Fargo decides to stick the dmv between a bus stop and a temporary employment agency.  I’ll tell you why this is a terrible location and where the dmv should be located.

The DMV is a test to everyone’s patience in that if you don’t feel like murdering at LEAST 10 people by the time you walk out and get to your car, your visit is considered a success.  One of the reasons you may feel like a murdering psychopath after entering the gates of hell dmv is that they require you to pay them in ways 90% of society doesn’t fucking pay people anymore, CASH and CHECK ONLY.  Cash, ok maybe i’ll be a little lenient on this one because cash is cash.  Still, not many people carry cash anymore but checks?  Fucking checks?  That alone is a huge red flag that they are there to torment you into submission.  There are various other reasons the DMV sucks that I don’t have to mention but I think the polls are in and the consensus is….

THE DMV GOES TO THE GREATEST LENGTHS HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO WASTE YOUR DAY.

Now onto the location.  The location of the Fargo DMV is immediately next to a bus depot.  That’s cool, buses are cool, what’s not fucking cool is shady people hanging around staring at you or your car.  So now not only do I have to worry about how bad the DMV will try and rape me I have to worry about possibly getting robbed.  Why not?  Seems like it would be pretty easy to break into my car, steal my Very Best of: David Hasselhoff cd, and hop on the bus to never neverland while I’m waiting inside ripping my eyes out wondering how long my ass will hurt.

Here is my proposal of where the location of the DMV should be.

Welcome to the Fargo DMV

The Fargo DMV should be located smack dab in the middle of a hospital and a shooting range.  This way, after leaving the dmv, you can walk right next door to the friendly hospital where they will repair your raped and mutilated ass for a small fee of 20 thousand dollars.  Next, walk on over the shooting range for some good wholesome target practice.  This will relieve your frustrations and send you home calm while forgetting the torment you just had to endure and the pain you are feeling in your ass.

Man Moves Out Of Womb After 28 Years

Child Moves Out After 28 Years–In the Womb!

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Fargo, ND – In a story that has the scientific community completely baffled, Gary “Gum Gum” Jackson, a full-grown 28 year old man, decided to finally move out of his mothers womb.

It’s been 28 long, relaxing years but Gary has decided it’s time to fly the utero.  Gary has been freeloading it inside his mothers womb for a loooong time.  He has had a relaxing, stress free life.  Living expenses have been virtually nonexistent and he didn’t have to pay for food what with that umbilical cord channeling it directly into him and all. Mom’s giant hoop earrings even beamed a picture-perfect DirecTV satellite feed onto that giant chasm of a uterine wall.  The only inconvenience he had was his dad’s (or thought was his dad’s) penis jabbing at him every now and then.  That is a small price to pay for this kind of lifestyle.

The other day, ol’ Gum Gum decided he’d had enough and slithered out of that mushy crevice and into functioning society. With a shivery cry, Gum Gum was officially born unto the world. Gary doesn’t know what his future holds but said he has moved into his parent’s basement and plans to stay there for quite some time.  When asked what he won’t change now that he’s out, he replied, “Nude.  I’m going to stay completely nude.”

free candy halloween fargo

Fargo Pedophiles Feeling Left Out This Halloween Season

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free candy halloween fargo

Why go here when you can go door-to-door?

It’s a somber, sad, and gloomy month for area pedophiles as Halloween is around the corner. Lately, you can see all their vans parked lonesomely in the shadows.

The beautiful month of October is upon us. Vivid colors of orange, gold, red, and brown leaves fall slowly to the ground.  The crisp cool air is a reminder that winter is near. Pumpkins, witches, and ghosts decorations fill the yards of area homes.

What a great and exciting month October is for us, isn’t for area pedophiles.  The Halloween season has been cutting into pedophiles pedophiling time.  Kids are no longer interested in talking to old creepy men offering free candy as they know at the end of the month, free pillow loads of candy await them.

Some area pedophiles have petitioned to allow their candy giving vans to be considered a house or place of residence on the day of Halloween. This will allow them to park up and down the streets in broad day light with signs such as, “Candy Canes For Wieners.”

Others have sunk so low as to not even offer candy anymore.  One area pedophile has started offering a Halloween costume fitting room.

This privately parked pederast can only gaze longingly as parents keep close guard of their children

We can only hope the pedophile business continues to suffer long after the month of October.  However, it will be interesting to see how they adapt in the future.  Police are urging parents to communicate with their children that Halloween costume fitting rooms are not located in vans and to stay away.

Man Arrested In Moorhead Assault Says His Affliction Shirt Is To Blame

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Moorhead, MN – Earlier this month, a man was arrested for assault and sexual assault for attacking a woman in downtown Moorhead.

Douchebag

Richard Haaland, age 46, was arrested at his home after a video near the crime scene identified Haaland as the suspect of the alleged assault which happened on the morning of September 6th near Main Avenue and 5th Street.

Richard Haaland is claiming that it was not he himself that committed the crime but was his Affliction shirt he was wearing at the time that sexually assaulted the women.

Haaland might actually have a case.  Affliction shirts have been known to be worn by men who are afflicted with a disease called douche-baggary.

Haaland has been admitted to the hospital where he is under going various tests to see if his disease is actually to blame for the crime.  It is being advised that all men refrain from wearing affliction t-shirts to reduce your risk of contacting the douche-baggary disease.

West Fargo To Implement New Bike Lane Law Effective Immediately

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West Fargo, ND – Concerned West Fargo citizens held a town hall meeting last week that created enough concern, the West Fargo Police Department will implement a new bike lane law EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

Tim (The Toxic Ninja) Thompson, the neighborhood superhero, was riding his mountain bike early last week when he spotted an overweight child or “fat kid” riding a small motorized scooter on the bike path.  See picture below.

No Longer Allowed

What he just witnessed made Tim (The Toxic Ninja) Thompson immediately reminisce about his childhood days where he actually had to physically push his scooter with his legs and feet such as the one below.  This involved an almost full body workout which, back in the day, believe it or not, was considered good for you.

A Real Scooter

Angry and concerned, Tim had to fulfill his superhero duties and call in a town hall meeting.  Here, the citizens heard Tim’s plea and all agreed.  No longer are fatkids allowed to ride motorized scooters on all West Fargo City bike paths effective immediately.

The police department would like to advise parents to have their overweight children use any transportation that actually involves physically moving your body to move it.  Like the scooter pictured above.  It also includes the overweight children themselves.  Meaning, have them walk.  No longer should you wheelbarrow them around, roll them from point a to b, or have them ride motorized scooters.