Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

How To Say A Useful Phrase In 10 Languages

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OMG! My hovercraft is full of eels!

OMG! My hovercraft is full of eels!

Eel River, Indiana – In the FM Observer’s on-going effort to bring you free, cutting-edge, continuing adult educational trainings, we take you to Eel River, Indiana where we’ve been invited to take a vicarious ride with Bob Scarponi on his air-cushioned hovercraft. There, wasn’t that fun?

Mr. Scarponi, who used to work in the Peace Corps, because he couldn’t find a real job, is fairly fluent in 10 languages and he has agreed to teach us all how to say a common and useful English phrase in all 10 languages.

{Tip: Being able to put on your résumé that you can speak 10 different languages can be a major plus when applying for a job.}

Growing up in Eel River, Bob says that finding fresh-water peacock eels on-board his watercraft has been a perennial problem, especially during the eel mating season when the little devils become much more aggressive.

So, without much more further ado, here are Mr. Bob Scarponi’s personal notes on how to say: “My hovercraft is full of eels!” in 10 different languages:

Cornish: Leun a sylli yw ow skath bargesi!
Dutch: Mijn luchtkussenboot zit vol paling!
German: Mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist voller Aale!
Korean: Nae hoebuhkeurapeuteuneun changuhro kadeuk cha isseyo!
Latin: Mea navis volitans anguillis plena est!
Shona: Hovercraft yangu yakazara nemikunga!
Somali: Huufarkarafkayga waxaa ka buuxa eels!
Swahili: Gari langu linaloangama limejaa na mikunga!
Welsh: Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn llyswennod!
Zulu: Umkhumbi wami ugcwele ngenyoka zemanzini!

Look for more up-coming educational trainings offered to you free-of-charge by the FM Observer. Some possible future topics may include: 1. How to defend yourself in court, 2. Painting rocks to look like candy, and 3. Joining a cult to enrich your personal confidence.

President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer

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Don't drool on me!

Don’t drool on me!

Arlington, VA – After addressing the nation during a somber Memorial Day service at Arlington National Cemetery, the ever-popular President Obama was jumped by a crazed, young Tea Party organizer.

Parker Cornell, of Hubert, North Carolina, successfully attempted to attack the president, in spite of a number of Secret Service agents who were surrounding the president at the time.

After jumping onto President Obama’s upper chest, young Parker quickly grabbed and scratched the president’s nose while drooling on his shirt.

Apparently Mr. Cornell (age 4.5 months) was upset about his Tea Party group being audited by the IRS, after the IRS had initially delayed the group’s application to become a tax-exempted 501(c)(4).

Parker’s parents told reporters that their son had been unusually quiet earlier that day and they had no idea of his planned presidential assault.

As a Class D felony, this crime is punishable by five to ten years in a federal prison, along with a maximum fine of $250,000.

When asked about this incident, young Parker held up a sign saying he cannot yet speak English. He also indicated that this would not be the last we hear from this young, right-wing zealot.

Time Traveler To Speak In Fargo 14 Months Ago

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Who am I?

What year is it?

Fargo, ND – Time traveler Vern Milton will be giving a talk on time travel on Wednesday, November 21, 2012. This informal gathering in the NDSU Student Union lounge will be Vern’s personal thoughts on what it’s like to be a bona fide time traveler. His must-hear lecture will then be followed by an extensive Question & Answer period. Free hot coffee and powdered donuts will be served by the Physics Department.

If you have any questions for Mr. Milton about time travel, please be sure to jot them down and attend this special happening. Vern said that he did the same event, at the same venue, back in 1956 and 1975 where he had good exchanges of thoughts on this subject with some very interested students from the region. He admitted: “The people I spoke with in 1975 were quite a bit more open-minded about time traveling than back in ’56.”

Since he has seen it all before, here are some of the questions Vern answered back during his previous visits to Fargo:

Q: Being a time traveler, do you have any words of wisdom for us?
A: Yes. If you have something you need to get done, don’t wait until tomorrow to do it.

Q: Are you married, and if so, how does your wife feel about all this?
A: Well, I’ve gotten married a number of times…all to the same woman. She always seems happy to see me again.

Q: Do you have any control over your time travel?
A: About as much control as you do over the stock market.

Q: Can you tell us anything about the future?
A: No, not much, because that might alter the future. But I can tell you that North Dakota continues to do very well!

Learn To Count Just Like Indians

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IndianCommandmentsx2Lakota, Dakota – Besides being your ever-reliable source for the latest in serious satirical fake news journalism, the FM Observer can also be a powerful free educational tool for many who seek to continuously expand their brainpower.

Today’s free educational offering combines learning a Native American language, along with some basic numerology. At the end of this exciting lesson, you will be able to fluently speak the numbers 1 through 10 in the original Dakota Sioux native tongue.

Please note: Once you have committed these new terms to memory, it is very important to use them as much as possible in your daily conversations. Feel free to make flashcards and test yourself, or ask a complete stranger to pop quiz you.

So now, without any further ado, the FM Observer proudly presents:

How to speak 1-10 in Dakota Sioux:
 1. Wanzi
2. Nonpa
3. Yamni
4. Topa
5. Zaptan
6. Sakpe
7. Sakowin
8. Sahdogan
9. Napcinwanka
10. Wikcemna

{Look for more free educational trainings from FMO in the near future. Some upcoming hot topics may include:  1. How to make toast perfectly every time,  2. What to look for while cloud gazing,  3. Twenty creative uses for your vacuum cleaner.}

Washington Redskins

Washington Redskins Name Change Contest

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redskinsPX1Washington, DC – Well, it looks like the home of Political Correctness is about to get a dose of its own medicine.

The name Washington Redskins, which goes back to 1937, has now become the latest target of easily-offended language censors. What was just another famous name of a loved professional sports team has now become derogatory and racist, according to some D.C. Council members.

If the name is going to be changed, some fans are advocating keeping the “Red” and changing the “Skins”. Some of the top choices in this group are, the Washington: RedNecks, Red Meats, Red Hots, Red Eyes, Red Peppers, Red Wines, and Red Apples.

For those who would rather see the “Red” changed and keep the “Skins”, the Washington: Pigskins, Sheepskins, Buckskins, Foreskins, Coonskins and Deerskins.

Finally, there is a third group wanting the new name to still begin with “Red” and have the word “Skins”, such as the: Washington Red Skinheads, or Washington Red Potato Skins.

D.C. Council member David Grosso would love to hear from you on this issue. Feel free to call him at 202-724-8105, or you can email him at dgrosso@dccouncil.us

You can also contact either:

Muriel Bowser at 202-724-8052 (mbowser@dccouncil.us) or

Kenyan McDuffie at 202-724-8028 (kmcduffie@dccouncil.us)

who are both totally down with David’s idea of making a name change.

Let any of these fine public servants know which name you would favor as the new politically correct name for the offensive Washington Redskins. If the name you vote for is picked, you may qualify to win season tickets to see the Washington Rednecks, or perhaps the Washington Coonskins!

Many Restaurants Starting To Go Glutton-Free

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gluttonfree1px1Fargo, ND – A trend that may have started down in Mississippi is starting to take root in Fargo, North Dakota. Many eating establishments in the Fargo area are on the verge of going Glutton-Free.

The idea is to help the obese by disallowing them from entering restaurants. This would also make it much more pleasant for all the other patrons who have chosen to go eat out.

Justin David Pepperstone, who is currently president of the Fargo Restaurant Operators Group (FROG) explains that “just as folks don’t want to have to be seated next to an extremely fat person on a four hour airplane flight, neither do they want to watch a glutton excessively gorge themselves at the table next to theirs when out for a quiet romantic dinner”.

Mr. Pepperstone also mentioned a biblical Proverb in defense of FROG’s decision: “Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags.”

How will you be able to identify which restaurants have gone Glutton-Free? Just look for the places that have installed newly designed Glutton-Free narrow doors. If you can fit through the door, you are Glutton-Free.

New Barcode Causing Nausea & Vertigo

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ILLUSION3Barco, NC – The international governing body for barcodes recently unveiled its latest 21st century technology. However, many unprepared shoppers and store workers are already having some serious problems when seeing the new product ID images. Numerous instances of severe dizziness and stomach sickness have been reported to store managers. (Click on the image at the top left of this article, if you dare, to see if you are one of those affected.)

The original barcodes, which were represented by varying widths and spaces of parallel lines, were one-dimensional. Most people don’t know (or care) that the first “bar” codes were inspired by the obsolete Morse Code system used back in the old cowboy telegraph days. Then, two-dimensional product codes came along which appeared like funky geometric patterns.

Barcode-ologist, Neil Brownie of the Pugh Research Center, said that these new 3-D universal product codes were designed for machines, not people. “We are telling people to not look at these barcodes, unless you possibly want to experience a sensation of light-headedness and a feeling of being ‘spaced out’, which many teenagers these days are seeking. We have even seen some older folks lose their balance and fall over while shopping due to the imbalance and unsteadiness caused by looking at these new product codes.”

Dr. Melvin McNoodle has spent his entire life studying the phenomenon of Visual Dizziness. As he sat in his seemingly spinning office during a challenging interview, he explained that “the eyes intermittently send confused impulses to the brain, which then sends out equally confusing orders to the muscle groups in the body, which in turn can cause vertigo, sweating, nausea, vomiting, and slurred speech…much like going out on a first date with the girl of your dreams.”

In the name of technological advancements, shop with caution from now on, lest you should unexpectedly come upon one of these new 3-D barcodes from hell, and possibly end up on your back in some spinning hospital room.

{For more information on this important subject, Google the word: Nystagmus}

Winter Storm Xerxes Anger & Danger

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usaApril14PM1Fargo, ND – When friendly folks in Fargo, North Dakota should be hosting garage sales and planting their gardens, Winter Storm Xerxes will be extending winter…with a vengeance.

While Tiger Woods is being assessed penalty strokes down in Georgia, another 10-14 inches of heavy, wet, back-breaking snow is about to be ushered into Fargo/Moorhead with up to 40 mph wind gusts.

Grocery and liquor stores have seen a tremendous spike in business during the calm before the arrival of Super Storm Xerxes.

Near blizzard conditions are expected to reek major havoc on the area from Sunday through Monday, which unfortunately is the last day to get taxes mailed at the Post Office. Olaf Larson at the Post Office said: “This here ain’t a real good deal with Xerxes arriving on Tax Day, for sure, don’t you know.”

City officials had been cautiously optimistic about the 2013 flood situation up until now, but with megastorm Xerxes about to come a-knocking, the upcoming flood fight could be a-rockin’ with a nightmare scenario of historically bad proportions.

Dr. Sumner Watkins with the National Climatological Institute says that: “April 17, 1881 was the previous record for reaching a temperature in the 50s (or greater), but that long-standing record will be shattered this year.” Dr. Watkins thinks it might not be until May when warmer temperatures arrive. “When they do arrive, the chances become increasingly good that Fargo could suddenly reach the 70-80 degree range and melt all the snow within a few days.”

Life jackets and kayaks could soon be in short supply as a late-season MegaBlizzard could morph into The MegaFlood. In the face of difficulty, Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: “We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear” (and the fear of flood).

Missing Artwork Has Authorities Perplexed

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flake2439607px1Fargo, ND – A very unique piece of art by the famous Andy Warhol which was on display at the Plains Art Museum has somehow gone missing. Twas Andy Warhol who once admitted: “An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.” Well, the Plains Art Museum needs to have it back.

The lost work, which is entitled “Eclectric Snowflake #1”, was on loan from the Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh, PA. Mr. Warhol was most likely referencing his Eclectric Snowflake masterpiece when he said: “I’m afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning.”

It might have lost its meaning after Andy stared at it too long, but it certainly has not lost its value. The going price point for this neon snowflake is estimated to be around $8.5 million.

No one knows exactly what happened to the colorful work, but investigators have reason to believe it may have been kidnapped. On this subject, Andy once thought that: “Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery.” Whether this quote of his applies or not, investigators are looking into it and leaving no stones unturned.

The two museums have set up a joint blue-ribbon task force to actively investigate any and all leads related to the alleged theft. “We have a hunch that the thieves might have been posing as night janitors” explained Ray Sharp, the lead detective on the case, “because of the discarded janitorial clothing left on the floor, in front of where it was stolen.”

The Plains Art Museum, which certainly now has some major egg on its face, has announced a reward for finding the 6′ x 6′ artwork.

Miv Grinks, the Plains Art Museum assistant curator said that if the Eclectric Snowflake came walking down the sidewalk, you couldn’t help but  notice it. Miv is prayerfully pleading  to the holders of the snowflake to please store it at the recommended humidity and temperature levels, which she will explain, if you would call her office during normal working hours.

If you personally have any knowledge as to the where-a-bouts of the Eclectric Snowflake, please contact either of these fine museums for your possible reward. At this time, the reward package is said to be a $25 gift certificate to Happy Joe’s Pizza, two tickets to see the FM Derby Girls in action, plus a free life-time family pass to the Red River Valley Zoo.

Barbara Walters Being Retired To A Stud Farm

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barbaraWaltersPM1

Baba Wawa Go Bye Bye

New York, NY – The beautiful and lovely Barbara Walters has been told she is retiring. ABC executives are leaking the news that she will be comfortably retired to a Stud Farm.

The iconic 83 year old grandmother to us all, has spent 50 years in television journalism and has seen it all. Everyone agrees there aren’t enough adjectives to describe this workaholic. But after suffering from chicken pox and prolonged fever, which possibly led to falling down a flight of stairs and getting a large gash in her forehead, many in the top floor of the ABC headquarters are strongly pushing for her to be gone already.

Is ABC forcing her out and off The View? Apparently she doesn’t really know much about it. However, forces behind the scene are indicating it is most definitely time for her to go to the Stud Farm. An ABC spokesman describes the Stud Farm as a very nice retirement home for aging TV celebrities.

Who might Baba WaWa see when she gets to the Stud Farm? Well, for starters, try megastar Regis Philbin (b. 1931). Also, the former Bozo-the-Clown and Today Show weatherman, Willard Scott (b. 1934). Of course, the always up Hugh Downs (b. 1921) will be there to welcome Barbara Walters (who was born in 1929) to her new home. One final for-sure would be the ever-handsome Tom Brokaw (b. 1940), who is still working with a special speech pathologist to pronounce his “L”s.

Most people think of horses when they hear Stud Farm. There will also be some of those there too. “Ms. Walters will have many people and animals to ‘interview’ after she makes the transition to her new life”, said Ernie Bankwood, who oversees the Stud Farm.

Back in late 2010, while interviewing the youthful Larry King, Barbara said “I know when my time’s coming”. Well, unfortunately for her, that time is now here, whether she knows it and likes it, or not.

When the FM Observer asked her what she thought about all this, she answered: “Oh, I hope that Fabio (Lanzoni) is at the Stud Farm!” Then she asked: “What’s the FM Observer?”