Category Archives: National

United States government closing Florida border permanently

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Washington, DC – With the George Zimmerman verdict serving as the straw that broke the camel’s back, the government of our fair nation has decided to (finally) close Florida’s border off from the rest of the country. This crudely-drawn map details the government’s plans to build a big ass wall clear across the FL-GA border and southwards, west of Tallahassee to the Gulf of Mexico:

Surely against their will, Alabama will be granted the excess land. If they so desire, the new section of Alabama can secede and become a territory. Call it “New Alabama”. No one will be allowed ground entry from Florida to Georgia or New Alabama in a brazen attempt to keep the psychotic riff raff comprising the state of Florida (better known as “America’s anus”) sectioned off from civilized humanity.

In a statement, President Obama outlined his plan:

“The Secretary of the Interior is currently extracting budgeted funds to finance the construction of a “Great Wall” that will completely seal the border, letting Florida govern and fend for itself forever. We will station National Guard members at strategically-placed watchtower locations along the Great Wall for protection. It’s time to seal that baby off. In addition to keeping our fellow Americans safe, thousands of jobs will be created to assist in the construction of the Great Wall. This maneuver is good for our economy and the only way to deal with Florida at this point.”

The President went on to say that commercial air travel will continue “at your own risk” for sports teams, vacationers, family visits and things of that nature. His apparent theory is that Florida riff raff don’t have the ways & means to travel by air anyway, thereby negating the need for a ‘no fly zone’. The Coast Guard will also be on high alert for any watercraft attempting to commute from the shores of Florida to American beaches. Water commuters will be treated as pirates and shot dead on sight.

Kudos to Obama for ostracizing the creatures of Florida to protect the rest of the country.

Government Spy Birds Are Watching You

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Osprey1PX1Osprey, FL – New information is being leaked by the Governmental Leak Information Bureau (G.L.I.B.) about federally trained birds that are now being used for domestic surveillance. Ospreys (click on picture) and other large birds are helping Big Brother spy on you.

Gordon Meinkampf heads up the Center for Bird-Held Cameras (C.B.C.). He and his well-paid staff have been training and testing many types of large birds to see which work the best for the purposes of domestic surveillance, spying, and even some predatory attacks.

Mr. Meinkampf says: “I am not allowed to answer any of your questions as to what we secretly do here at the CBC, other than to say that anytime you see an: osprey, eagle, raven, pelican, cormorant, vulture, condor, or red-tailed hawk, chances are pretty darn good that it’s probably one of ours. You might as well smile for the high-definition digital mini-cam with super-zoom lens that’s attached to that nice friendly bird.”

Anyone caught tampering with a bird and/or its camera will be easily identified and brought to justice under the full extent of the law. “Try to act normally and be yourself.” says Gordon. “Just because we’re always able to watch you, doesn’t mean you have to worry that something bad is going to happen…like an IRS audit, for instance.”

Russia Says It’s Not Harboring Any Pale, Colorless Americans

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washington-urges-russia-to-return-edward-snowden-to-usMoscow, Russia—Vladimir Putin and his evil band of KGB cronies vehemently stated earlier today that they are not knowingly in possession of any ghastly-looking American males, especially those named Edward Snowman.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said defiantly in response to the United States’ demand for extradition, “We don’t have your Mr. Snow White. Mother Russia does not know the whereabouts of your Casper Friendly Ghost, and even if Mother Russia did, it would not simply give Frosty Snow Man over to you free of charge.”

Officials representing many countries around the world are not entirely sure of the whereabouts of Colorless Carmen San Diego. Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is said to be in contact with Edward Snowman, saying that the Great White Whistleblower was “only passing through Russia” and may be en route to Ecuador or perhaps Iceland.

Wherever Edward Snowden does happen to land, we hope he’s finally able to get some sun.

New Multi-Bike Is What’s Hot This Summer

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The new must-have Multi-Bike!

The new must-have Multi-Bike!

Riderwood, Maryland – If you’ve been curiously wondering what the hot new trend is going to be for the Summer of 2013, your wait is over. It’s the Multi-Bike! (Click on picture to zoom in.)

Just as the FM Observer recently brought you what’s happening in fashion trends for the summer, the latest in cool gadgets and gizmos is now here for the official start of summer.

The inventor of the Multi-Bike is Mike Rust. Mike explains that his prototype stands almost 10 feet tall. He admits: “Not to honk my own bike horn, but it’s an extraordinarily designed 8-wheel drive bike which is great for looking over fences at the baseball parks and outdoor concert venues. Plus, it certainly helps out meeting women.”

Mike was thinking that since his bike has 8 wheels, the name should have been the OctoBike, but decided on Multi-Bike (start with an M- and ends with -ike, just like Mike).

You can purchase the simple 500-step process to make your own Multi-Bike directly from Mike. He says he’s the only Mike Rust in Riderwood, Maryland so the NSA shouldn’t have a problem tracking him down for you.

So, what are some people saying about Mike’s Multi-Bike?

Get this bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live. ~Mark Twain

This bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine. ~John Howard

Life is like riding this Multi-Bike. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. ~Albert Einstein

Every time I see an adult on a Multi-Bike, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.” ~H.G.Wells

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. ~Charles M. Schultz

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. ~Gloria Steinem

I’d rather ride two unicycles at the same time than one bicycle twice. ~Jarod Kintz

Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong. ~Terry Pratchett

Verizon Wireless Sorry It Let Government See Your Useless Texts

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6461Washington, DC—Amidst reports and allegations regarding Verizon Wireless’s involvement in the much maligned PRISM scandal, the mobile network titan has finally offered a public apology to its cellular subscribers in response to its collaboration with the NSA:

 

Dearly beloved Verizon Customers,

Some of you may have heard about our recent involvement in the National Security Administration’s PRISM initiative. This initiative was truly a bummer to be involved in but hey, when Uncle Sam talks, you listen am I right? Anyway, a number of communication service companies were involved in this with none quite as sorry as we are. We apologize for giving the government access to your phone conversations, as detailed and private as they might have been. We apologize for letting the NSA read your inane and mundane texts, including but not limited to:

ROTFLMAO

WTF

smh

stfu

idk

OMG

😉

🙂

:/

brb

omw

thx

We want you to know that we did not give up your smiley-face emoticons and stupid abbreviations willingly—the NSA had to fight us for them. They had to ask us a number of times to let them see what your weekend plans were and when you thought you might be arriving to dinner, in addition to the multitude of pet names you call your significant other.

We want to remind you that we only submitted your repulsive sexts to Obama in the name of fighting terrorism. We deeply regret this unfortunate occurrence and we hope it never has to happen again.

Sincerest regards,

Verizon Wireless

—-

In an age where electronic data security and privacy rights are at their most vulnerable point, this apology certainly means something.

Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies

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Black Jack is way more fun that math!

Black Jack is way more fun than math!

Bismarck, ND – The North Dakota Education Association (NDEA) has decided to officially drop math from the state’s teaching curriculum. The teaching of boring, traditional math will be replaced by super-fun, instructional classes in the card game Black Jack.

Mr. Tom Collins, who heads up the Curriculum Committee, says that with all the calculators and smart phones present in today’s world, the teaching of math is obsolete and a complete waste of time. “Kids have long hated math class and all the tedious homework that goes with it. But, learning Black Jack is something everyone can get excited about!”

Black Jack will begin replacing math all across North Dakota starting in the Fall of 2013 in grades 6-12. Mr. Collins feels this move is further justified because lots of “hidden math” will still be apart of the new Blackjack studies.

Harley Marks, a long-time math teacher says kids will for sure be able to count to 21. Plus, in the new Black Jack Studies Curriculum, all the advanced trainings will be included, such as: Doubling Down, Card Splitting, Chasing After Lost Money, and Quitting When You’re Ahead. Harley says: “These are all real-life lessons that will benefit these kids for the rest of their lives.”

Some real Black Jack dealers will be brought in for Black Jack “tournaments” as well as having selected upper classmen doing some of the dealing. As a high school student who wanted to become a Black Jack dealer, Justin Minix says he’s very excited about dealing live Black Jack while in high school. “I’m really stoked about this, man” says Justin.

In some of the lower grades, kids will begin learning the basics of “card counting” while also being able to watch a plethora of movies involving gambling and Black Jack, such as: Rain Man, Casino, and 21.

Mr. Tom Collins of the NDEA says he knows certain parents might initially not like dropping math studies and replacing it with Black Jack, but he believes everyone will eventually find this to be a Win-Win scenario…unless you lose.

NSA Sick Of Watching Us Screw Up ‘Your’ and ‘You’re’

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National_Security_Agency.svgWashington, DC—Reports that the National Security Administration is pulling our phone records have been met with serious outcry over whether or not this action infringes on American citizens’ right to privacy.

In response, the NSA is playing damage control by stating that it’s already getting sick of reading all the poor grammar and typographical errors contained in the many thousands of texts, facebook statuses, tweets and blog entries it’s been reading and that it will probably unfollow you guys really soon.

“Jesus Christ, people. It’s YOU’RE, not YOUR. It’s not THEIR, it’s THERE for crying out loud.” White House spokesman Josh Earnest said.

Earnest went on to say that the classified government initiative PRISM never expected to encounter such a tremendous amount of useless information coupled with lackadaisical grammatical proofreading and that going forward, those two factors combined would ultimately render our typed conversations both useless and unreadable.

“On behalf of the NSA and the Obama administration, i’d like to formally demand that you guys figure out who/whom, they’re/their, your/you’re among other irresponsible typos or we are going to unfollow all of you on twitter. I’m being serious.”

 

Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi

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Goat Boat Woman

Goat Boat Woman

Pilottown, LA – Miss Hazel Brown of Pilottown, Louisiana is about to attempt the unattemptable. Miss Brown (Miss is short for Mississippi) has been preparing to navigate all 2,320 miles of the Mississippi River in a simple wooden boat, with only one paddle, and she will be taking her goats along with her for company. Her hometown friends and neighbors have started calling her the “Goat Boat Woman”.

At 88 years young, Miss(issippi) Brown worked as a high school guidance counselor for 50 years where she guided students down the river of life. Her avocation has always been studying maps, as both of her parents were professional cartographers.

When asked how she decided to do this, she said: “T’was always our plan to do this ever since I was younger, but we seem to’ve procrastinated it a bit now, haven’t we? Well, better late than never, as they always say!”

Hazel’s journey will take her and her caprine (goat-like) friends along or through 10 different states and 128 towns. “As a long-time map lover, I know the route very well.”

The Goat Boat will begins its trip at the river’s source which is Lake Itasca, Minnesota, where the elevation is 1,475 feet above the Gulf of Mexico.

As an amateur cartographer, Hazel knows the first town they will pass by in each of the 10 states:

1. Bemidji, Minnesota
2. Prescott, Wisconsin
3. Lansing, Iowa
4. Galena, Illinois
5. Hannibal, Missouri
6. Wickliffe, Kentucky
7. Tiptonville, Tennessee
8. Osceloa, Arkansas
9. Tunica, Mississippi
10. Waterproof, Louisiana

Their big adventure will hopefully culminate with a big celebration at the mouth of the Mississippi, which is her hometown of Pilottown, Louisiana in Plaquemines Parish at elevation zero.

When asked about dams, Hazel said there’s no need to swear. (Apparently, her three sons will coordinate the portaging of Hazel’s Goat Boat around any dangerous dam-type situations.)

When asked what they will eat, Hazel is hoping that local riverside church groups that she has contacted will bring her small cardboard boxes with some “surprises” in them. For the goats, she says they pretty much eat anything, including broad-leafed plants, any parts of trees, and of course, they love cardboard boxes.

President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer

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Don't drool on me!

Don’t drool on me!

Arlington, VA – After addressing the nation during a somber Memorial Day service at Arlington National Cemetery, the ever-popular President Obama was jumped by a crazed, young Tea Party organizer.

Parker Cornell, of Hubert, North Carolina, successfully attempted to attack the president, in spite of a number of Secret Service agents who were surrounding the president at the time.

After jumping onto President Obama’s upper chest, young Parker quickly grabbed and scratched the president’s nose while drooling on his shirt.

Apparently Mr. Cornell (age 4.5 months) was upset about his Tea Party group being audited by the IRS, after the IRS had initially delayed the group’s application to become a tax-exempted 501(c)(4).

Parker’s parents told reporters that their son had been unusually quiet earlier that day and they had no idea of his planned presidential assault.

As a Class D felony, this crime is punishable by five to ten years in a federal prison, along with a maximum fine of $250,000.

When asked about this incident, young Parker held up a sign saying he cannot yet speak English. He also indicated that this would not be the last we hear from this young, right-wing zealot.

Painfully Normal Guy Discovered Living In Los Angeles

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THIS GUY is a Los Angeles resident

THIS GUY lives in L.A.

Los Angeles, CA—SoCal. L.A. Paradise City. The coolest city with the coolest people with the best weather. You gotta be a badass, actor, musician, beautiful person or an otherwise famous celebrity to live there…or so we thought.

The age-old stereotype that only cool people live in Los Angeles has been officially debunked. The Observer has learned that Alan Henley, a lame, has been living in SoCal his entire life.

Alan was born an only child to an accountant and a stay-at-home mother back in 1978. Ever since, he’s been an introverted, non-famous Average Joe. “I think i’m pretty normal,” Alan says. He works as a stockbroker at a brokerage firm in Santa Monica where he grew up. He plays World of Warcraft in his spare time. “I mean, i’m no Brad Pitt obviously, but…so what?”

The Observer suspects that Alan might not be the only rube hilariously coexisting within that sexy hotbed of entertainment and glamour.

A Los Angeles Elite could not be reached for comment.