Category Archives: National

Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, photobombs Mars Curiosity photo.

Leave a reply

Bigfoot is a name given to an ape-like creature that people believe inhabits forests in North America.  Scientists discredit the existence of Bigfoot due to lack of physical evidence.

Scientists can discredit no longer.

NASA and Mars Curiosity would like nothing more than to send back breathtaking photos of the alien planet.  Bigfoot will have none of that.  Mars Curiosity recently sent back an image from Mars that clearly shows Bigfoot deliberately photobombing.

CLICK TO VIEW Bigfoot photobombing a Mars Curiosity photo!

We know all too well that Bigfoot loves to photobomb here on earth but nobody knew the extent bigfoot would take to photobomb on another planet!

How they got there we have no idea but we can surely expect to see the believers release more photos of the suspected bigfoot in more photobombs.

Olympic Shame! Live Raping In Front of Large Audience!

Leave a reply

London – The Olympics is a sports tradition that dates back thousands of years.  It’s a great honor to be a part of.  That is, unless you are getting raped in front of a large audience.

That’s exactly what happened during an olympic wrasling match this past weekend.  The audience disgustingly just sat there, watched, and did NOTHING!  Nobody stepped forward to help these poor men.

It all started when the red guy started raping the blue guy as you can see below.  You can see the blue guy disoriented and in pain.  Struggling to free himself from the man on top trying to get into his manhole.

That’s not it however.  The blue guy gets his attacker off of his bum and in a weird and shocking turn of events, starts raping the red guy!  Was it revenge or was he turned on by being raped?  We will never know but he can be seen putting the heat on the red guy hard.

After the match, they were both seen weeping in their locker rooms.  The Olympic Committee will review these events and see if they will press charges.

In the announcers own words, “He was beaten up, battered…”  That he was.  That he was.

Cheney: There Is Nothing I Do Not Hate

Leave a reply

Washington, DC – In a recent interview, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney was asked his opinion about the upcoming presidential election prospects as well as past candidates. He speculated on Mitt Romney’s possible running mate as well as how big a mistake it was that McCain chose Sarah Palin as his VP nominee. He then proceeded to go off on a tangent that the Observer is not shocked to have heard about:

“Not only was the Palin choice a grave mistake, but so was my shooting that old codger in his face. I should have shot him square in the coin purse. And you know what else? Hunting is stupid anyway. So is American politics and as a matter of fact, for the life of me, at this very moment, there is not one SINGLE THING in this world that I do not possess an utter distaste for. Fuck your fat hairdo, fuck this room, fuck this chair i’m sitting on, fuck my out-of-control sodium intake and fuck everything else in the world because–who cares– i’m almost dead.”

The interview was said to have ended abruptly at that point as Cheney, after ferociously making his point, started grumbling and stormed out of the room. The Observer will be reaching out to the former VP for a follow-up on this very interesting character development.


Trucker Breaks Guiness World Record Clogging Toilets In All 50 States

Leave a reply

Richmond, VA – Trucker Randy Burton has made history in one of the grossest ways possible. Mr. Burton has plenty of time to think about life while on the road, and recently, he let his crazy thoughts get away from him while on the john. Early on in the spring he pondered to himself, “I’m about to absolutely destroy this toilet here in Alabama. I could probably demolish a toilet in Arkansas tomorrow. If I really dedicate my ass to this, I could decimate a toilet in every state in America!”

Randy, you could not be more correct. So right on, in fact, that the good folks at Guiness took notice and made Randy’s toilet trek worthwhile by awarding him the world record for slaying “50 Johns, 50 States, in 50 Days”. Congratulations Randy, you big nasty bastard.

Pair of lungs or some other organ found on LA sidewalk

Leave a reply

Los Angeles, CA – Sunday evening, authorities received a call to investigate what was reported to be a pair of lungs stuck to a south Los Angeles county sidewalk. With a veritable frenzy of visceral criminal activity sweeping the nation these days, the presence of (human?) lungs on a sidewalk does not surprise this reporter one bit. The Observer has no doubt that a backyard organ transplant went awry, causing the “doctor” to toss the ineffective organs out a moving car window. But what became of the body? Was the failed transplant victim’s corpse chopped up & stuffed down the drain? Is human life no longer sacred to us?? Will I become King of America someday?? Will the Cubs ever win the world series??? These are the burning questions.

The organs were turned over to the county coroner for examination. The police could not be sure if they were actually lungs or possibly a discarded placenta. The Observer is anxiously awaiting the coroner’s report.

White House Not Returning George W. Bush’s Voicemails

Leave a reply

Washington, DC – Former President of the United States George W. Bush is a good man. He worked hard to benefit our country while in office. He is a man of considerable pride and generosity, and recently found it in his heart to reach out to the US government headquarters that he used to call home. It is a simple, kind gesture, to call an old friend to see how they’re doing. The White House, however, doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge the attempts of the former POTUSA. White House Chief of Staff Jack Lew:

“Dubya calls here about once a week looking to shoot the shit with anyone that’s willing to talk about legos or horses or whatever he finds interesting at the time. I usually end up taking the bullet because Barack leaves his phone status set to ‘in a meeting’ literally all day long. Lately, i’ve been letting the calls go straight to voicemail lol!”

Good ol’ Dubya must not know exactly what to do with himself anymore what with not having a country to run and all. Maybe he and Rick Perry can have a barbecue or a hoedown or something like that?

Dead Morbidly Obese Arsonist Torches Crematorium

Leave a reply

Graz, Austria – A gigantic 440-lb hunk of dead & smoldering fatty tissue was the cause of a fiery inferno at a Graz, Austria crematorium yesterday. The Observer wondered at first why a beached whale would be brought to a human crematorium but as it turns out, the dead animal arsonist was no whale–it was a massive human female.

The blaze raged with such a fury that firefighters had to push water through heating vents to put it out. Firefighters were also forced to wear special equipment to extinguish this mess and were said to have been covered by a “sticky, sooty substance” after the fire was put out. They were coated with human napalm! Oh, the humanity!

The corpse burn community is now calling for updated cremation procedures to better deal with the deceased Morbidly Obese in an effort to prevent future disasters. The temperature inside the cremation chamber reached to upwards of 570 degrees Fahrenheit, causing the entire place to erupt. We here at the Observer would like to congratulate this humongous woman for causing arson from BEYOND THE GRAVE.

flying_baby

I Was Gonna Take My Baby Off The Roof Of My Car……But Then I Got High.

Leave a reply

Phoenix, AZ – Some shocking news this past week.  Catalina Clouser, 19, is facing driving and child abuse charges after her one-month-old baby fell off the roof of her car while driving away, forgetting she had put the little munchkin there.  What’s shocking is this DID NOT happen in Florida.  I know, crazy right?

Once she got home, she finally got inside and thought to herself, “the fuck is my baby?”  Upon realizing that her baby just got the ride of it’s life, she drove back to 45th Avenue and Chollas and was greeted by police who had recovered her child.  We’ve heard about people strapping their grandmothers or mother-in-laws to the roof of their cars but never a little child.  Jesus, what was she thinking!?

One lucky witness was on his way to work when he said he saw a flying baby in a car seat flying through the air.  I mean, how f’in cool would it be to see that?!  That man just won the lottery.

 

In tribute to Catalina Clouser, I have changed some of the lyrics to Afroman’s – Because I Got High song.

 

Catalina Clouser – Because I Got High

It’s Like, I don’t care about nothin man,
roll another blunt, Yea (ohh ohh ohh),

La da da da da da La, Da Daaa,
La da da da, La da da da, La da da daaa

I was gonna take my child off the roof of my car until I got high
I was gonna put him in the back seat but then I got high
my baby flew off the roof my car and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna try to not kill my kid before I got high
I coulda remembered I actually gave birth to a child but I got high
(La da da da da da da da da)
I am taking a couple hours off from parenting and I know why, (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go home with my little child but then I got high
I remembered I lefty my baby on the roof of my car but I got high
now I’m driving around looking for my baby and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go to court before I got high
I was gonna pay to get my child back then I got high
they took my child away and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I messed up my entire life because I got high
I lost my kid because I got high
now I’m sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I’m gonna stop singing this song because I’m high
I’m singing this whole thing wrong because I’m high
and if I dont sell one copy I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]

La da da da da da, La da da da, Shoop shooby doo wop.

Get jiggy wit it, skibbidy bee bop diddy do wahhh

– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]

North Dakota declines offer to secede from America & join Canada

Leave a reply

North Dakota, USA – In what many in the geography community have called a desperate attempt at coolness, Canada, our gracious neighbors to the north, made a pitiful request to the USA to secede North Dakota & add it to the southern region of Manitoba. Canada, being as envious and so totally jealous of our perfectly run country as they are, figured they could alter their reputation by adding a piece of American culture to their vast, snowy landscape:

“We really like America, eh? America is soo coool, eh? Maybe America wouldn’t care if North Dakoota left the country, eh? Come be a part of Canada, eh? We’ll even move the border for you. Okeh?”

Upon finding out about Canada’s bold proposal, the United States government showed no concern over the threat of losing one of its Dakotas. When questioned about the possibility of ND seceding from the union, President Obama had this to say:

“Whatever. We’ll just suck out all the oil, let ’em move and replace ’em with Puerto Rico. No big deal.”

After a few minutes of careful deliberation, the 39th state of our great union made the final decision to stay a part of the US:

“This was a very tempting offer, but we ultimately decided we’re already as close to being Canadian as we’re willing to get.”

The Observer has breathed a collective sigh of relief at this great news. We think we speak for everyone when we say ZERO FLANNEL IS ENOUGH FLANNEL.

BREAKING: Doctors find 9th unborn fetus inside Octomom

Leave a reply

4063689470_7789d77f11_bLos Angeles, CA – During a routine check-up at the local OBGYN, excavators discovered a lifeless unborn fetus stuck inside famously inseminated degenerate Nadya Suleman, also known as Octomom. A visit to the gyno is no picnic for Octomom, as a team of doctors wearing HAZMAT suits and spelunking gear is needed to perform even the most simple and routine Octomaintenance.

Doctors went exploring recently and made a shocking discovery: a 9th baby. It appears that not all the children were harvested from the Octocave! Miss Suleman was, needless to say, shocked and dismayed at the discovery.

We caught up with one of the fearless spelunkers/Doctors to get some insight as to what went on:

“The vaginal walls were very dry. It was rank. The HAZMAT suit I wore was an older one, so some of the stench made its way in almost immediately, but I pressed on. We needed to check the ovaries and such. After about a half hour of exploration, the 3 other doctors and I caught a glimpse of something highly unorthodox in the deepest corner of the uterus. That’s when we knew…”

This has all the makings of a terrifying sequel to the smash hit movie The Abyss. Never before has the Observer heard such a shocking tale of discovery. This has to be an emotional time for Suleman, who is now rumored to be changing her nickname to Nonomom. We wish Nonomom all the best.