Psychic Predicts Large Number Of Fargo Sinkholes To Appear In The Coming Months

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Psymon Soothsayer says: “This is the first of many chasms to come.”

Fargo, ND – A well-known psychic has predicted that Fargo will soon be riddled with many good-sized sinkholes.

Psymon Soothsayer recently went on the record with the FMObserver and prognosticated that “numerous sinkholes will soon be forthcoming in and around Fargo, with the first one to manifest itself just north of the West Acres area.”

Now that it’s happened (at the intersection of 9th Avenue South and 42nd Street), city officials are giving Psymon Soothsayer’s sinkhole prediction much more credibility.

Psome of Psymon’s other recent predictions that have turned out to be correct include:

> The Minnesota Twins would have a dismal year.
> Donald Trump would become the presumptive GOP nominee.
> Prince would unexpectedly expire without a will.
> The Rio Olympics would be moved to Zanzibar due to The Zika.

If you discover a new sinkhole in the Fargo area, please report it to the Fargo Sinkhole Hotline: 1-800-SINKHOLE.

If you end up down inside a sinkhole, it’s probably best to call 9-1-1!

Zombie Jimmy Hoffa Emerges From South Fargo Sinkhole

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Cell phone photograph of Zombie Jimmy Hoffa inside the sinkhole!

Fargo, ND – After many years of wondering, pontificating and scouring its whereabouts, the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body has finally revealed itself. Shortly after a gaping sinkhole opened up on 9th avenue and 42nd Street south, the zombified body of the notedly-vanished former Teamster’s Union President slowly emerged.

Seen via cell phone footage: “No employer really accepts a union,” said Zombie Hoffa from inside what is and has apparently been his grave for over 40 years. “People have a right to a fair day’s wage for a fair day’s work.” 

Hoffa continued to blather on and on about unions and fairness until a conspicuously nearby Speaker Of The House Paul Ryan kicked him back into the hole.

It is believed that this F-M area “sinkhole” has been Hoffa’s government witness protection facility since his disappearance in 1975.

New Pizza Business To Specialize In Deliveries To Jails And Prisons

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Here’s your fracking pizza!

Bismarck, ND – A new pizza delivery company will soon be unlocking its doors in North Dakota.

Prison Pizza Pros will specialize in hot deliveries to those who find themselves behind bars.

All pizzas shall be of the “Deep Dish” variety so as to allow contraband to be secretly smuggled into the inmates who requested the hot delivery.

The idea first came to Prison Pizza Pros owner Frankie Siciliani who thought to himself while doing time, “Man, I could sure go for a hot pizza delivery right now, especially one that has a small metal hacksaw inside of it”.

After asking around, Frankie’s feasibility study revealed that most prisoners would certainly be in favor of ordering a hot pizza that had a small metal hacksaw inside of it.

Some of the more popular choices from Prison Pizza Pros are:

The General Population (Large, All Meat Pizza)
The Solitary Confinement (One Topping Pizza)
The Death Row Pizza (Super Spicy Jailapeno Peppers)

FM Observer Recruits Pizzaologist To Analyze Alleged New Pizza Corner Flavor

Not the new logo.

Not a/the new logo.

Fargo, ND – As you are surely aware, Valley City’s own Pizza Corner pizza has been bought out by a Minnesota company named Bernatello’s. Much hubbub has been tossed about over the “new flavor” reveal. People are talking.

An example: “It smells like corporate influence. Like a suit and tie got caught in the packaging. It tastes shallow and pedantic, like a wealthy conglomerate,” states longtime Pizza Corner customer 2ddie Pophentopp via a Facebook post.

What we’ve gleaned from all this commotion is that there is a high probability of difference between pre-buyout and post-buyout Pizza Corner, although who can be sure?

Caxton Nudewrath, Pizzaologist®

Caxton Nudewrath, Pizzaologist®

That is why the FM Observer has recruited noted Pizzaologist Caxton Nudewrath to settle the debate over whether or not the new entity is doing anything different to the famous ‘za.

Nudewrath’s credentials leave no question as to his qualification. “I come to you with a major in Oven Physics and a minor in Grease Tactics; and a Masters in AmerItalian Cuisine with a PhD in Pizzaology.”

His colleagues agree. Ertson McFluck, noted Pizzaologist with sub-studies in flatbread and pot pie, has traveled the world analyzing pizza with Nudewrath. “Caxton has tried every type of ‘za in every major city in America and even abroad during his 6-month stint in Sicily. He will dissect every delectable dissimilarity–however numerous–between pre-buyout and post-buyout Pizza Corner. You can trust him as far as you can throw him.”

The summation of Nudewrath’s final analysis of Pizza Corner’s esteemed taco flavor variety:

“Initial comparison between pre-buyout and post-buyout Taco Pizza leaves me little to discuss. If you put a gun to my head and asked me to….well, actually, why would you threaten my life over pizza? Are you completely insane?? You’re the kind of person who should fail a background check. Anyway, the difference here is negligible and mostly indiscernible. They are compositionally, olfactarily and flavorously the same. Now if you’ll excuse me, i’m desperately needed at Pizza Palace headquarters in Veltchasm, Kentucky.”

 

Fargo Woman Suing Led Zeppelin For Plagiarizing Her Song ‘Kashmir’

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Mrs. Roberta Plantain performs her song “Kashmir” on the sidewalks of downtown Fargo while wearing her favorite Kashmir scarf.

Fargo, ND – An elderly Fargo woman is planning to sue Led Zeppelin for stealing a song that she claims she wrote back in 1972.

The lady’s name is Mrs. Roberta Plantain and the name of the song that she claims Led Zeppelin plagiarized from her is called “Kashmir”.

She originally wanted to sue Led Zeppelin for $5,000 but her attorney has upped that amount to $50 million.

Mrs. Plantain: “Yeah, they pretty much copied my song note for note, and word for word, after I performed it with my piano on the sidewalks of downtown Fargo back in the early 70s.”

Anyone interested in supporting Roberta in her effort to sue Led Zeppelin is invited to join her downtown sidewalk gatherings where she will repeatedly perform her song “Kashmir” in its full and original version.

Obama First Family To Book A Room At Trump’s Turnberry Golf Resort

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The Donald can golf right-handed or left-handed depending on his audience.

Ayrshire, Scotland – Brockobama, along with his first wife and first daughters, are The First Family to book a room at the newly refurbished Trump Turnberry golf resort, possibly the site of the British Open in the year 2022.

The First Family will be playing around with Donald at Trump’s Scottish golf course, which is of special interest to Brockobama since he will be taking over the retiring Tiger Woods’ place on the professional golf tour, as soon as the president finishes his second term in The Oval Office.

Sir Simon Brodkin, the presumptive executive general manager of Trump Turnberry, reported that the Obama Family were indeed the first guests to officially book a luxury suite at Trump’s new “shy and modest” golf resort, which gently rests in the home country of his mother, Mary MacLeod, from Stornoway Shire, in the Outer Hebrides.

Book a suite for your family or company incentive outing at The Trump Turnberry Golf Resort and play golf where golf was invented, after which you can consume all-you-can-drink adult beverages in the prestigious Royal and Ancient Bar, where adult beverages were invented.

FM Observer To Sponsor Park Wood Cemetery Renovation

Humor in death

Strategic Brand Placement

Fargo, ND – The north wing of Park Wood Cemetery in Fargo has been in dire need of a facelift for quite some time. Tombs are moldy, crypts are dungy and the rats have colonized a functioning village. This has led the city to seek an overhaul of this historic burial site.

Today, via a no-so-generous grant made to the Graveyard Committee, we are proud to announce that many of this graveyard’s deceased will be eternally housed behind a new moniker!

strategic brand placement

Personalized tombstones! Choose from one of our many style types. We’ll come up with a catchy epitaph for your loved ones to chuckle at when they come to visit. “Yeah, that Gacky…life really did kill him to death, ha ha. It sure was nice of FM Observer to sponsor his burial. What a terrific satirical news agency they are, ya you betcha.”

Park Wood Cemetery (in association with the Death Task Force) has partnered with brand pioneers FM Observer® for a sponsored renovation agreement.

In exchange for our donation, Park Wood is allowing strategic brand placement in its north wing. After the renovation, you will see our brand and our slogan obscenely adorning gates and stone engravings because we, like many corporations, love to publish our brand in places where it really doesn’t need to be.

In accordance with this deal, FM Observer is allotted numerous personal Brand Actuality Agreements. You can have the FM Observer logo or slogan engraved onto your tombstone, crypt, headstone or mausoleum. And why stop there! We’d be glad to emboss your coffin with a glossy graphic or etch one of our catch phrases into your urn after cremation.

Email us at fmobserver@gmail.com for posthumous sponsorship arrangements.

Johnnny’s Fourth Retrospective (Posts 300-400)

My second one hundred posts.

My 4th 100 posts. Now I can build an even longer fence!

Since 400 is such a nice round number, twas decided to use the occasion of my 400th post to take a trip back down memory lane.

So, it’s time once again to look back on Johnnny’s last 100 posts on your FM Observer.

All posts are listed as clickable hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

300. Johnnny’s Third 100 Posts
301. Hillary Didn’t Even Hava Computer In Her Office
302. Endangered Sea Monkeys Found In Fargo’s Red River
303. US Military Top Secret Balloon Dog On The Loose
304. World’s Fastest Banjo Player Coming To Fargo To Do Free Banjo Workshops
305. Volunteers Needed As Fargo Seeks To Break Beer Drinking Record
306. For Thanksgiving Win Your Family A Trip To Turkey
307. Edible Cricket Farming Providing Many Fargo Families Extra Income During Sluggish Obama Economy
308. Ancient Romans Ruins Found Just South Of Jamestown North Dakota
309. With Turkey Shortage From Bird Flu Many Opting For Emu On Thanksgiving Table
310. The Ralph Engelstad Arena Being Dismantled Brick By Brick
311. New Family Fun Game For The Holidaze: Add-On Swear Word
312. Fargo’s New Party Barge To Run On Red River Yearound Thanks To Global Warming
313. Google’s New 3D Printer Can Print An Edible Roasted Turkey
314. New Tax On Christmas Trees To Go Directly To Obama Retirement Fund
315. Last Sane People On Earth Now Starting To Lose Their Minds
316. First Annual Plastic Surgery Beauty Pageant To Crown Miss Plastic America
317. Santa’s Deliveries In Jeopardy As Rudolph Has Chronic Wasting Disease
318. Jamestown Man Goes Crazy While Looking At Himself In The Mirror Too Long
319. FMO’s Dr. Willy Nilly Announces He’s Permanently Moving To Brazille
320. Wife Divorcing Husband For Christmas Shopping At A Strip Mall
321. FMO’s Suggested List For Your 2016 New Year’s Resolutions
322. Top 10 Signs 2016 Might Be A Bad Year For You
323. Oprah Wants Everyone To Join Weight Watchers Since She Owns 10% Of The Company
324. California Drought To Be Quickly Replaced By Giant Mudslides
325. Long Island Ice Tea Party Seeking Their Presidential Candidate
326. Gamecocks No Match For NDSU Bison Thundering Herd
327. Cave Exploration Not Unlike Doing A Colonoscopy
328. The New Goal When Playing Tennis Is To Lose
329. Mail Delivery In Some Fargo Neighborhoods Described As Random At Best
330. Barry Manilow’s No Apologies Tour Announces Possible Stop In Fargo
331. Big Demand For Small Hats Due To Zika Virus
332. First Fargo Robin Sighting A Sign Of Spring And Global Warming
333. The Entire Internet Will Be Down For Maintenance This Weekend
334. New ND License Plates Being Recalled Because Fonts Suck
335. Moorhead Imposes Harsh New Penalties For All Non-Recyclers
336. Thin Man Found Living Inside Fargo Family’s Chair
337. Zen Poets Group To Protest That Blank Lines Matter
338. Fargo Band Selected To Perform During Halftime Of Next Super Bowl
339. Sir Elton John Is Buying The Fargo Theater
340. Valuable Valentine’s Day Mobiles Cleverly Hidden Throughout Fargo Moorhead Area
341. Local Bank Surprised When Confused Robber Asks To Open An Account
342. Military Raising The Bar On Combat Readiness Test
343. Proposed New Downtown Fargo Parking Ramp Offers More Style Than Space
344. Cockpit Of New Boeing 797 Not Dissimilar To Giant Organ
345. Dr. Finance Explains Negative Interest
346. Try Outs Now Open For Fargo’s New Table Tennis Team
347. Moorhead Finally Changing Its Name To East Fargo
348. Rachel Maddow Announces She’s Running For Governor Of North Dakota
349. West Fargo’s War On Dogs Now To Include Deportation
350. FMO’s Final Interview With David Bowie
351. Zika Test Now Available
352. Led Zeppelin To Play For Giant Prom Dance At The Fargodome
353. All Climate Change Deniers To Be Rounded Up And Sent To Work Camps
354. Fargo To Host 55th Annual National Taxicology Conference
355. Peyton Manning Announces Formation Of Senior Football League
356. Minnesota’s Turtle Hunting Season Soon To Open
357. Pinochle Banned In The State Of North Dakota
358. Large Quantities Of Hydrogen And Oxygen Found In Fargo’s Water Supply
359. Fargo Boy Holding Helium Balloons Now Somewhere Over Michigan
360. Lime Disease Traced Back To Margarita Happy Hours
361. Top 10 Responses To FMO’s Man On The Street Question: What If The Unthinkable Happens
362. Travel With All Your FMO Friends To Magical Goosey Goosey Island
363. North Fargo’s Ponyland To Become Largest Refugee Resettlement Camp In America
364. Excitement Builds For New Fargo Diversion Theme Park
365. Delegate To Sue Party Convention Because Nobody Would Caucus With Her
366. Obama Pens Exec Order Forcing All States To Raise Min Wage To $30/Hour By 2040
367. Plans For New Clay County Jail Looking Quite Penal
368. Undercover Investigation Uncovers Underground Senior Citizen Fight Club In Fargo
369. North Dakota Unveils Its New State Flag
370. Boy Drives Entire Family Nuts Practicing Trumpet
371. FMObserver Lands Exclusive Interview With Mr. Stephen Hawking
372. Fargo Marathon Decides To Not Have One Set Route
373. Today Is National Haiku Poetry Day
374. Fargo To Vote On Changing To Either A 6-Day Or 8-Day Week
375. Newly Painted Downtown Fargo Buildings To Add Some Much Needed Color
376. Free FMO Adult Ed Classes To Increase Your Vocabulary
377. Fargo Restroom Patrons Can Use Whichever One They Want Based On How They Feel
378. Senate To Debate If Biweekly Means Twice Per Week Or Once Every Two Weeks
379. 35 Foot Snake Possibly On The Loose In Moorhead
380. April 30 Is National Chop Down Your Neighbor’s Tree Day
381. Fargo Hospital Hires First Monkey Doctor
382. Fargo Man Returns Home To Discover Demolition Crew Destroying Wrong House
383. Million Dollar Painting Vanishes During Art Show
384. Hillary Clinton Recruiting Tech Students To Host Her Email Server
385. Obama Names NDSU Bison Our National Football Team
386. Fargo Homeless Man Amasses Fortune From Penny Trays
387. FMO’s Golf Pro Shares Valuable Tips To Greatly Improve Your Game
388. Moorhead Man Lands Record Large Mouth Bass From Long Lake
389. NDSU Changing Its School Song To We Are The Champions
390. President Clinton To Hit Some Fargo Hot Spots
391. UND Having Second Thoughts About Their Name Change Decision
392. Local Restaurant Review By Nick And Johnnny
393. FMObserver Staff Personally Testing All Of The Various Dog Shock Collars
394. 2016 Rio Olympics Being Moved To Zanzibar
395. Fargo City Commission To Re-Define Integration Goals Within Zones Of Proximity
396. Justin Beaver’s Porpoise Concert Floating To Fargo
397. Fargo Summer Games To Culminate With Shin Kicking Contest
398. NDSU Hires Hairy Potter As Professor Of Spells And Incantations
399. 32 Pound Squirrel Attacks Family Picnickers In Moorhead

32 Pound Squirrel Attacks Family Picnickers In Moorhead

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Large squirrels like these float into FM area on inverted plastic garbage can lids.

Moorhead, MN – A nice family out having a normal picnic in a well-known Moorhead park was negatively amazed when a 32-pound squirrel performed a hostile takeover of all their food.

An NDSU squirrelologist says: “Yes, we have been noticing a recent trend for the larger squirrels to float down the river into the Fargo-Moorhead area on inverted plastic garbage can lids. Once here, they seem to set up shop near a popular park, where they occasionally rob family picnics, as if they’re their personal convenience stores.”

Comments from the traumatized family:

Father: “I felt so violated and so utterly helpless while we’all just sat and watched this 32-pound squirrel rob us of all our foodstuffs.”

Mother: “The last time I was this scared was when I somehow got locked in a gas station bathroom in New Jersey!”

Tween: “That was one bad-ass squirrel! Because of this experience, I would someday like to become a squirrelologist.”

Tot: “Waah! Me want my cookies back!” :o(

NDSU Hires Hairy Potter As Professor Of Spells And Incantations

NDSU's Professor Hairy Potter

NDSU’s Professor Hairy Potter

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer has confirmed while drinking from the grapevine that Hairy Potter has been hired by NDSU to be the school’s first-ever Professor of Spells and Incantations.

FMO: How did you decide to take this teaching job at NDSU?

Professor Potter: Well, I’ve always herd such wonderful things about NDSU and all the great people here, and now with my film career behind me, I decided it was time to get a real job.

FMO: Do you think a lot of students will want to learn about Spells and Incantations from you?

Professor Potter: We’ve already gotten a lot of interest expressed for my S&I classes. Once the students get a taste for all that I have to teach them, these classes will be standing room only.