Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

zombie apocalypse

Must Have Weapon For The Coming Zombie Apocalypse

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Everywhere, USA – Keep your face, keep your skin, we will fill you in on the most practical weapon against zombies.  Zombies have been in the news lately (here and here) which is an obvious sign of a coming zombie apocalypse.

This is great news for a lot of us.  We have been fans of zombies for years.  Compiling zombie fighting weapons, playing zombie video games, and actually dressing up as a zombie and going on zombie bar crawls.  We have been waiting impatiently for the time when we can actually kill waves of zombies in real life.

Now that the time has actually come, you need to be prepared.  The most practical zombie fighting weapon is a SWORD.  Why you ask?  Because swords don’t run out of ammo dummy!

I personally recommend the Katana.  A sharp Katana will have no problem what so ever dismembering waves of zombies.  You could go on forever!  How exciting!

Double Edge Zombie Katana Sword

Now, you can go out and buy any sword (MAKE SURE IT’S SHARP) but you need to be in shape in order to use the sword effectively.  You don’t need a ton of skills either but it wouldn’t hurt to practice sword fighting skills.

If you follow the kid in the video below you will get in shape AND learn critical sword fighting skills.

 

Happy zombie training and fighting!  Go get ’em tiger!!

**Watch for a follow up article on the Top 5 Must Have Zombie Weapons.**

American Crystal Sugar Strike

Crookston Bishop To Host Prayer Service Sunday For American Crystal Workers Dispute

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Crookston, MN – Bishop Michael Hoeppner, head of the Catholic Diocese of Crookston is coming to the rescue.  Bishop Michael has stated that he has seen the destruction and carnage strikes and disputes can cause.

“I’ve seen this before” Bishop Hoeppner stated.  “You have two groups that disagree for so long they end up wanting to kill each other.  I’ve seen it in the movies.”  That’s why it’s important to pray that such conflicts don’t arise out of the dispute between American Crystal Co. and the Bakery Workers union, he said.

It’s been nearly 10 months since union members rejected Crystal management’s proposed five-year contract.  The bishop is hosting a prayer service Sunday in Crookston, MN and will be inviting his own gang members Bishop Larry Wohlrabe of the Northwestern Minnesota Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America and the Rev. Daniel Wolpert of Crookston Presbyterian Church.

He stated that in case things get out of hand, he will at least have more priests on his side to fight the resistance.  “I might have to end up using my mind powers and the power of prayer to fight back if trouble were to arise” he stated.

One thing he did want to make sure everyone is aware of is that there will be donation boxes every 10ft on the way to the church.  “Jesus needs a new car” he said.

 

If you go

What: Prayer service for the resolution of the American Crystal labor dispute

When: 7 p.m. Sunday

Where: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception, 702 Summit Ave. in Crookston

Info: Everyone is welcome (bring your wallets preferably with a lot of money)

 

Super AIDS, living zombies, stupid fucks breeding in record numbers, Alotta Fagina the local prostitute who can’t perform her job in peace and quiet without getting arrested,  are a few other prayer service ideas.

Minnesota Couple Marry In Cemetery

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AUSTIN, Minn – How do you gain the brides deceased parents respect in the non creepiest way possible? Get married by their graves in a cemetery of course!

In an unconventional wedding ceremony, Diane Waller and Randy Kjarland exchanged vows in Austin’s Oakwood Cemetery.  The bride and grooms parents were unable to attend because they are, well, dead.

All of their friends thought that having the wedding in a cemetery was a joke.  I mean…pfff…who wouldn’t!  They also said others cried when they heard of the couples story.  In actuality, they weren’t crying out of joy but were crying because they had to attend a fucking wedding in a cemetery.

“I think it’s great having a wedding in a cemetery” a family friend stated.  “It represents exactly what marriage is about.  Death and decomposer.”

We wish them the best.

Red River of Fargo Moorhead

Red River Now Considered “Less Dickish”

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Red River of Fargo MoorheadWest Fargo, ND – In a weird turn of events, locals have started praising the Red River and now consider it “Less Dickish.”  Last month we reported people to be calling the Red River a dick head and even tried killing it with bad words and physical violence.

A criminal over the weekend jumped into the red river in order to evade police after robbing a man.  The river, not wanting people to throw shit into it again, consumed the criminal and drowned the man hoping to gain the locals respect again.  Since the river has been a baby it has been removing criminals and stupid people from the gene pool for decades.  It has never asked a favor or asked for respect from the people.  However, after the residents of Fargo-Moorhead found out the Red River was apprehending criminals for them, they now consider it “Less Dickish” and respect the magestic river once again.

“I knew that by kicking the river with my deadly karate kicks that it would teach it a lesson to be nice” a local who was seen last month trying to kill the river said.

With the Red River on the locals good side again, they can get back to living with each other peacfully.  So cute.

fargo_moorhead_clean_up_week

Cleanup Week In Fargo-Moorhead Leaves Strange Items On The Curbside

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Fargo, ND – It is Clean Up week around the Fargo-Moorhead area or the Scavengers Super Bowl other people call it.

This week, thousands of people will throw various filthy piles of shit they have been hording in their house out on the curbside.  Fargo street crew workers have their work cut out for them.  Sifting through bed bug ridden, piss stained bed mattresses, dog shit, super aids, and even more super aids, these sorry bastards deserve more pay for the week.

Along with the filth people throw out, there are a number of strange items the Fargo street crews have come across.

One worker came across an actual full-blooded breathing human.  It seems the husband put the wife out on the curb hoping a passing scavenger will pick her up.

Some other items found are:

The Constitution.  Found on the boulevard of a state representative.  “We don’t need this shit” he said.

Expired Breast Implants

Blood-Stained Cauldron

Various children.  Presumably annoying brats.

Super AIDS as mentioned before.  It be everywhere.

Dynamite

Wolf Urine

Illegal Mexican Immigrant

Pathetically Deflated Blow-up Doll

Broken Sex Swing

Lion Cage

Balloon animals in the shape of Kanye West

Small Wedding Chappel

Inflatable Bondage Chair

Clean up crews are asking that you keep your piles of shit to a minimum.  One neighbor is reporting that his dirty filthy neighbor has already consumed 5 neighbors boulevards with his crap.

 

fargo_swat_bust_college

Cops Leave Hostage Situation To Bust NDSU College Party.

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Fargo, ND – At around 12 a.m. Saturday evening, police were called to a home on N Broadway Dr & 20th Ave N with reports of a hostage situation.  Police arrived on scene to find a man holding his girlfriend hostage inside the house.  He had a gun and a steak knife to her throat threatening to kill her and the police.  For a whole 5 minutes, police tried to talk to the man calmly and to let the women go.

10 minutes later and without success, a report came in about a NDSU college party a few blocks away.  Considering the college party was a much more serious threat, police left the hostage situation and surrounded the young partying men and women with guns drawn.

Those arrested face charges including unlawful assembly, disorderly conduct, and inciting a riot, cops said.  One partier was shot dead while trying to enter a taxi cab to leave.

No word on what happened to the man holding his girlfriend hostage but it is being reported that the women has been missing now for a few weeks.  Nobody knows what could have happened to her.  The boyfriend simply says, “I don’t know.”

fergus_falls_lawn_mowing

Jesus Arrested For Disorderly Conduct. Caught Mowing Lawn In Loin Cloth.

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Fergus Falls, MN – Jesus who currently is parading around as a 43 year-old named Matthew Swanson, was arrested for disorderly conductfergus_falls_loin_cloth_Matthew_Swanson Wednesday afternoon while mowing the lawn in a loin cloth.  It is believed that the Jesus part of Jesus got the better of him and he slipped out of disguise for a brief moment which led to the loin cloth mowing incident.

Neighbors reported seeing a man resembling Jesus, mowing his lawn with his balls swinging about in the wind.  Once police arrived, Jesus just casually continued to mow the lawn with balls in full swinging motion yelling obscenities towards the police.  Jesus apparently dislikes the police as much as us humans.  He just wouldn’t stop which led to the arrest.

facebook_organ_transplant

Facebook Releases Organ Harvesting Application.

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Palo Alto, California – Facebook this week has released a new organ harvesting application.  This new facebook application was announced Tuesday by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as a way to harvest users organs and sell them to black markets internationally and here in the United States.

The facebook application allows users to “Register An Organ.”  In doing so, it will match you up with creepy doctors, gangsters, clergymen and surgeons from South Africa and Brazil.  From there, these people will remove your registered organ and sell it to facebook for a small fee.  Facebook will then sell to the highest bidder on the black market.

“I can’t wait to sell my brain,” one facebook user said.

“I like to share everything.  Hopfully I can now share my heart and sell it to someone who needs it,” another facebook user said.

This is a great new feature for facebook and it’s users.  Facebook is looking to implement another useful feature in the future called “Kill Me.”  We will report more on that when facebook is closer to a release date.

horse_buggy_New_salem

Horse Buggy Collides With Car On Interstate. Horse Takes a Dump.

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New Salem, ND- At around 8:30 a.m. this morning, a SUV carrying a family of 4 struck a horse buggy on Co Rd 139.  The family from New York were on vacation and merrily on their way to New Salem, North Dakota to visit ‘Salem Sue’ or ‘The World’s Largest Holstein Cow’.  Salem Sue is the worlds largest fiberglass holstein cow sculpture situated on School Hill between the city of New Salem and I-94 Highway.  The driver stated they were driving down Co Rd 139 when then went around a bend and hit a horse buggy that was in the middle of the road.

“I wasn’t expecting to see a horse buggy,” the driver said.  “I really didn’t think people still used those things.  I mean it’s 2012 for christ’s sake.”

“Grandma just wants to see the largest fiberglass cow sculpture before she dies,” one of the kids said crying.

After the crash, the horse carrying the buggy was seen taking a large dump on the road and running excitedly into the horizon.  Presumably happy to be free from his slave labor.  The driver of the buggy was not injured.